Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the plot.

A.N.: This is just a silly little one shot in response to a challenge given out on one of the Facebook pages. It has not been beta'd. Enjoy.

How the hell do I get myself into these situations.

You slept with a sex god.

Yeah, well. You've seen him.

You started dating him.

Again, you've seen him.

You fell in love with him.

He lets me fly. He supports my crazy ass. And c'mon, you've seen him.

You got pregnant.

Hello! You've seen him. Naked. All mocha latte skin, pulled tight across hard and defined muscles. That night his eyes were the color of smoldering coal. I came just from his perusal of my body alone. I really wasn't surprised when I found myself pregnant 6 weeks later.

Well, now you remember how we've landed in this mess.

I shook my head at myself. I started talking to myself, outloud this time, while trying to find my bearings and figure out where the hell I was being held. "Fucking kidnapped again, and talking to myself. Just another normal day in the life of Stephanie Plum. Never to be Manoso because I am going to castrate him when I get the hell out of here."

I got up off of the bed and looked out the window. I'm still in the 'burg. Shaking my head at the stupidity of my captors, I opened the door and looked cautiously up and down the hall. I heard murmurs coming from downstairs and strained to hear what they were saying. When I couldn't make anything out, I ducked across the hall to where I could see the bathroom. Looking through the drawers I was thrilled to find a small pair a manicure scissors.

I looked longingly at the toilet before glancing at my belly and back again. Sighing, I rubbed my hand over the bean and whispered my apologies. "Sorry, baby bean, but we are both going to be uncomfortable for a little while longer until Mama can get us out of this situation."

Hearing a chair scrape against the floor below us, I darted across the hall and threw myself back down on the bed, hoping I could regulate my breathing before they came upstairs. Keeping my eyes closed, I allowed my other senses to take over. My hearing became sharper as I listened to them bicker, walking up the stairs and into the room they left me.

"Jesus, how much did you give her?! She shouldn't still be asleep!"

"I don't know. I just threw a couple pills into her drink. You never told me how many to give her."

"Fuckin' a, Rachel! She's pregnant!"

"Don't give me shit, Morelli! You wanted her here and away from Carlos. I delivered. Now, I need to go and console my ex. He must be distraught over losing his precious 'Babe'," she sneered.

Stupid bitch. Carlos wants nothing to do with her. He's not distraught. He's probably tearing through the precinct and the 'burg looking for us.

"Your crazy ass isn't going anywhere until she wakes up."

I heard a thump and a strangled cry, but I kept my eyes closed, no matter how much I wanted to see what was happening.

"If she dies or something happens to that baby, I'm calling Ranger and selling your ass out. I'm not going to take the fall for murder."

"Please. She's still breathing, so she obviously isn't going to die."

"Yeah, well, until she opens her eyes, you're ass is staying here. Now, I have to go to work for a couple of hours. Don't even think about leaving this house until I come back."

I heard a grunt before he left, his boots thumping down the stairs, before hearing the front door slam shut behind him.

"Ugly white bitch, still causing problems."

I felt her move closer to where I was pretending to sleep, keeping still as she sat near my side. I felt her breath on my ear as she spoke to me, trying to be menacing.

"He was mine first, Stephanie. He'll be mine again. I actually hope you don't wake up. Grief sex, an accidental pregnancy, and he'll feel the need to marry me again. It's the right thing to do, especially since we have Julie as a shared interest. He won't walk away from us again."

She leaned in closer and I bided my time, waiting for the right moment to strike.

"Can I tell you a secret?" she giggled before continuing. "Julie isn't even his. He wasn't the only man I slept with that weekend. I was an attractive 18 year old girl, tired of the rules my parents set before me. What he doesnt know wont hurt him and you're not going to say anything because after that baby is born, I plan on finishing what Morelli and I started. I want you out of the way and you staying alive, living the life poor wittle Joseph wants for you both, isn't in my plans. Maybe a house fire that will tragically take not only the life of you and Morelli but that little bastard you are carrying as well. I'll be damned if I raise that child as my own."

My heart rate picked up. This bitch was certifiable. I tried telling Ranger that something was off with her, but of course he didn't listen. She is Julie's mother afterall. Well, now that I know Julie isn't his, I'm going to end this bitch before I gut Morelli when he gets home. Then I am going after Ranger.

Oh, I won't hurt him too bad. I do love him of course. Plus he is the father of our little bean, but that doesn't mean I won't hurt him where it counts. I almost cackled in glee, thinking of the plans I had for my very sexy boyfriend, but caught myself when I remembered where I was. I was shocked back to reality when Rachel put her hand on my throat. God, I hope crazy isn't contagious.

Before the pressure got to be too much, I swung my hand up, catching her off guard when it connected with her temple. She stumbled away from me, crawling for the door, but not making it before I threw myself after her, stepping down on her ankle with my full weight. I smirked in deranged glee at her scream of pain when the bone snapped. When she sat up and reached for her injured foot, I brought my knee up at the same time, catching her nose and breaking it.

Her screams were gurgled when the blood started to trickle down her throat. I grabbed her by her hair and dragged her out into the hallway to the top of the stairs. Rubbing my belly with my free hand, I made the decision that would be best for my child. Instead of trying to carry her down to the living room, and hurting myself or the bean in the process, or throwing her down the stairs and risking her breaking her neck and dieing before I got to have any more fun with her, I made the choice to drag her along behind me. A few more bruises are better than certain death. With that in mind, I tightened her hair in my hand, pulling it even tighter as she thrashed around and began my decent downstairs.

She screamed and hissed out in pain at every bump.

"Geesh. Stop being a baby. It's only a few steps." I shook my head as I reached the bottom and looked down at her sobbing and bloody face.

"I don't know what Ranger ever saw in you. Probably just an easy lay." I mused out loud. I released her hair and walked into the living room, taking a seat on the couch and putting my feet up.

What? That was a lot of work. I'm tired.

You just going to let her attempt to escape?

Please. She isn't going anywhere.

Oh really? Is that why the front door just clicked open?

Do you always have to be a know it all bitch and ruin my fun?

We're the same person! Crazy bitch.

Sighing I hauled myself up and made my way to the front hall, again. I smiled at her struggles to pull herself up before kicking the door shut, crushing her supporting hand with it. She screamed again and it was beginning to grate on my nerves.

I grabbed her under the arm and dragged her into the living room settling her, oh alright, throwing her into the lazy boy directly across from the sofa. Taking my seat once again, I waited for her to calm down. I might have dozed off.

Jesus Christ! WAKE UP!

I'm up, I'm up. No need to yell.

I looked across from me and was happy to hear that her loud sobbing had turned into quiet whimpering.

"Rachel, Rachel, Rachel," I tsked. "What am I going to do with you?"

"You're fucking crazy! Carlos is going to kill you for what you've done to the mother of his child."

"Oh Rachel, we both know that isn't true. Especially since I'm still ok and your Julie isn't his."

I think I saw shock cross her face, but it was hard to tell what with all the blood and snot covering it.

She recovered quicker than I thought she would. "He is too her father."

I sighed. "We both know he's not. You were a whore as a teenager. You admitted as much to me upstairs when you thought I was asleep."

She was smarter this time and kept her mouth shut. "Now I need to decide what I am going to do with you. Do I kill you myself or let Carlos have that honor? Do I call the police and let them take your crazy ass away and leave your children and husband with the stigma of having an incarcerated spouse and mother?" I quirked an eyebrow. "Decisions, decisions."

"You won't touch me. We both know this."

"You obviously don't know me very well."

"I know you well enough. You are a privileged white girl from a close knit community. You have a loving family, no matter how crazy they are. Most of your friends are on the police force. You're too straight laced to commit murder, especially if it was unprovoked. You don't have a scratch on you to prove that I deserved to die."

Oh shit.

This is going to be fun.

I let my inner beast shine through after she finished her little speech. My cold stare only got harder as hers got more afraid and wider as I stalked towards her.

"Watch the show," I whispered in her ear before walking into the kitchen to grab the cordless phone and taking it back into the living room while dialing 911. I made sure to keep my empty eyes on my audience as the dispatcher picked up.

"911. What's your emergency?"

In my best scared voice, I even squeezed some tears out, I answered.

"Hell..hello? Um..my..my name is S...st..Stephanie Plum."

"Ms. Plum. Can you please tell me what is happening?"

"Ye..yes. I've," I cleared my throat, "I've been kidnapped."

"Miss. Do you know where you are?"

"No. No. I...I don't. Please. Please," I sobbed, "Please send someone. I...I'm pregnant."

"Okay, Ms. Plum. I have the address where you are calling from. Can you hold one moment while I dispatch the nearest patrol car?"

"Plea...please hurr...hurry. Oh god,"

"M'am?"

Silence. Silence. Silence. 1. 2. 3. Do. Re. Mi.

"M'am? Can you hear me?"

I whimper as I walk to the front door, opening it and slamming it shut. "Oh god," I whisper, "I think they are back. Please hurry!"

"M'am! I need you to stay-"

I hang up the phone tossing it against the furthest wall, making sure it smashes into pieces before standing in front of my 'captor'.

"You were saying?" When she didn't answer I grabbed her hand and dragged her nails down my face, making sure to press hard enough to leave marks. I did the same to her face before pulling out some of her hair.

She screamed and it seemed to snap her out of her stupor. "What are you doing?!"

"Just making it look like you attacked me and I killed you in self defense." I shrugged before throwing myself back first into the wall near the steps. I walked around the room, overturning furniture and smashing pictures, making it look like a struggle took place. I went into the dining room and reached under the table, looking for the 9mm that Joe keeps there for emergencies.

Before I went back to finish this, grabbed a piece of the broken glass off the floor and made a shallow cut on my forehead. I knocked my head a couple of times on the wall, making sure to hit it hard enough to bruise before turning back to my captor. Pulling her up when I heard the sirens and screeching tires outside, I rested her arms on my shoulders and faced us with her back towards the front door.

When she realized what I was doing, she tried to struggle and get away from me, but with her broken ankle and busted hand, it wasn't going so well. When the door was kicked in, I pushed the barrel of the gun into her chest and pulled the trigger.

"Burn in hell," I whispered as I allowed us to fall to the floor. The next second I started screaming.

"HELP! In here! Please," I sobbed, "help me!"

The next few minutes passed in a blur. Rachel's body was rolled off of mine. Rangeman and Ranger showed up, rolling onto the scene like a thick fog. Silent and deadly. Once he reached me, I allowed him to comfort me. While his arms were wrapped around me, I wiggled one of my hands between us, pretending to soothe our little bean, before moving my hand lower and grabbing his dick, squeezing it like it was in a vice grip. His grunt of pain was the only sign of pain he showed. Keeping my head buried into his neck I afforded him a small explanation.

"You're crazy ex-wife and my crazy ex-boyfriend kidnapped me. I told you there was something wrong with that bitch and you ignored my warning. I am nearing my ninth month of pregnancy and had to take care of your past. The next time I give you a warning about someone, you better take it for what it is." I squeezed a little harder. "Do you understand me?"

At his slight nod, I released him and straightened myself out of his hold. "Good. Now I have to find Morelli and give him his dues."

"Already handled, Babe."

"Excuse me?"

"We'll talk about it at home. Give your statement so we can leave."

"I did that before you got here. Well, Gazzara told me to come down to the precinct tomorrow to give him the blow by blow. I told him I wanted to be checked out."

At his shocked look, which let's be honest, is just a slight widening of his eyes, I pointed to my stomach. With a curt nod, he herded me out to his porsche with the Merry Men following suit.

Once he was sure I was buckled and safely next to him, he took off.

"So you handled Morelli?"

"Yes."

"Is he still alive?"

"Barely."

"Is he going to make it through the night?"

"Unfortunately."

"You're handing him over to the police, aren't you?"

When he didn't answer, I growled. "Ranger!"

"Babe."

"Fuckin' A. You are handing him over to the police. Why?"

"Babe. You were found in his house. He can't come up missing right now."

"Right now?"

"Let it go, Steph. He won't make it to jail. I promise you that."

"Alright. I'm letting it go."

I watched out the window, realizing we weren't heading to Rangeman. "Where are we going?"

"The beach house."

"There better be doughnuts. And cake. And hot sauce."

He shuddered but nodded.

The rest of the ride was silent and I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew, it was morning. I woke up to the newspaper lying on my chest. Looking at the clock on the table next to the bed, I wasn't shocked to see it was early afternoon of the following day.

Lazy ass.

Excuse me! I was kidnapped.

Psh. You slept that long because of the wild and sweaty sex you had last night.

Well that too.

I grabbed the paper from my chest as I sat against the headboard. Unfolding it, I giggled at the front page. "Detective Morelli turned himself in for the kidnapping of one Stephanie Plum. Unfortunately, he was in an automobile accident on his way in this morning. Officer Morelli's car was T-boned at the intersection of Pine and Calhoune by a local bakery delivery van. The driver of the van is in stable condition, but Mr. Morelli died at the scene."

Well, he got his just desserts.