Stan sleeps peacefully as the early morning sun shines into his room. We hear sound of running and then stomping feet going upwards the stairs, with a distant but growing louder and rapidly repeating shout.

"OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!" and then Stan's bedroom door bursts open, "STAN!"

Stan slowly opens his eyes and rolls away from the window. Randy pants heavily with a hand on the door railing.

"No," says Stan.

"Stan! You got you see this!"

"No."

"It's amazing!"

"I'm going back to sleep now."

"Come on, you got to get up! It's on MSLSD News right now! OMG!"

"Daaaaad!" he complains as Randy rips the sheets off and picks him up out of bed to the floor.

"You got to see this!"

"But-" he's stopped mid reply after Randy grabs one of Stan's hands and drags him out the bedroom and down the stairs.

Randy stops at the couch and points to the TV, "There!"

"The Weather Channel?" Stan looks dumbfounded.

"Sharon, what the Hell?"

She replies, "I was checking the weather before I head out."

Randy grabs the remote and changes the channel, "Gawd! Look! Look at that, Stan!"

Stan looks and sees something floating in the water, "What is it and why do I care?"

"That's the Indian Ocean, duh. They think they've found a piece of that Malaysian airliner! OMG!"

"You woke me up half an hour early for this?"

"Son, this is history! You're a part of history as it's happening! Some day you'll have kids and when they ask you where you were when they found possible floating debris of the Malaysian airliner, you'll be able to tell them you were here!"

Stan pauses, dumbfounded again, then replies, "I'm gonna go pee," and walks back upstairs.

Randy stands transfixed on the TV, "He'll thank me one day. Oh, is that a close up? Are we DVR-ing this?"

"Shhh! An expert! OMG!" says Sharon.

…

The four kids wait at the school bus stop.

"Did you guys see 'Game of Thrones' last night? Holy crap!" asks Kyle.

"Ah huh. Wu wu wu u um fu," adds Kenny.

"No," says Stan.

Eric joins in, "Oh my God – that was so awesome, especially when they killed off…" he stops and looks at Stan, "I sense a disturbance in the Force."

"You didn't watch 'Game of Thrones'? Were you grounded? Did the power go out? Did the TV stop working? There must be a logical explanation for this transgression," says Kyle.

"My mom and dad have been monopolizing the television ever since that airplane went missing. They spent all of last night watching these talking heads speculate and give lame theories."

Eric asks, "Wait – were they drunk? Sometimes drunk people will watch pointless ratings-thrillers for no particular reason."

"No," says Stan.

"Were they maybe high on or something?" asks Kyle.

"Kyle, we're talking Stan's family, not Kenny's," says Eric.

"Fwuck yu!" says Kenny.

"No, that's just it. It's like they're possessed by news of no news," says Stan, frustrated.

"Wait – you don't think out parents are possessed by some sort of cable news network watching spirit of the other worldly afterlife, do you?" Kyle speculates.

They all pause for a second.

Eric answers, "God I hope not; that idea would really suck."

"Yeah," say Stan.

"Yeah," says Kyle.

"Wuuh," says Kenny.

They get on the bus which has just pulled up.

…

The four sit in class.

"Okay, class, settle down and open up your text books to page 69," says Mr. Garrison.

"So, what do you guys really think happened to that plane?" asks Kyle.

Stan butts in, "Look, the pilot probably hijacked the plane, underestimated the fuel, if the co-pilot didn't dump some of it, and they crashed into the ocean. No matter what 9/11 Truthers say, you can't hide an airplane full of people forever."

"I heard on CNN that it might have been a really tiny black hole," Eric adds.

"That's fucking retarded," says Kyle.

"Yeah, dude, why the hell are you watching CNN? Re-runs on Comedy Central get more ratings."

"I heard a sound byte," says Eric defensively.

"Oh," says Kyle.

"Kyle! I know you think this is Whooptie-do, Look at Me! time, but I assure you it's information-in/information-out class study, so why don't you and your gay triplets stuff it?" shouts Mr. Garrison.

"Yes, sir," says Kyle.

"Good," he turns around and starts writing on the chalk board, "Now class, as I was saying: with the communist Red Army fast climbing up the mountain side, MacGyver needed a way out, so he began assembling a small aircraft from the crashed satellite…"

"So, what do you guys think?" Kyle starts the conversation back up.

Stan goes first, "I don't know, the ocean's a pretty big place. They're saying the battery in the black box dies after 30 days, stopping the pings, so we may never find it. 50/50 we find nothing or floating wreckage."

"Who cares? Planes crash every year," says Eric.

With a surprised look on his face, Kyle responds, "Loved one of the victims?"

Stan also replies, "Whoever finds the wreckage of the plane will get paid like big-time bucks by some cable news network, fat ass. And most importantly, families will be at peace – I know, a hard concept when you don't have a soul."

"Fuck you, dildo nose. Shows what you know – I got two souls right here!" points to his feet.

"Hey! I thought I told you pig humping woodtards to shut up! What were you talking about?" shouts Mr. Garrison.

Stan speaks up, "I was saying Cartman had no soul."

"Oh. Well, of course not; fat people don't have souls. Now, MacGyver climbed into the glider as the Red Army fired on him and-"

"Attention, faculty, please turn on the TV's for breaking news about the Malaysian airliner, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey's voice comes over the intercom system.

"Goddamnit! Can't we learn algebra or something?" yells Stan.

Mr. Garrison wheels out the television cart with the TV on top and turns it on.

"Breaking news on the floating debris that is believed to be from Malaysian flight MH370, which disappeared over a week ago. For information on this latest news alert, we go to a vegetable in a wheelchair with a talking computer. Harry, can you tell our audience what the super important breaking karate monkey death news update alert is?"

"He-llo, Tom. I am co-ming at you live from a green scree-n with a bea-ch pro-jec-ted on it. Ca-ble news is re-por-ting that a car-go ship is due soon to where the floa-ting de-bris is. Ba-ck to y-ou."

"Excellent! Keep us up-to-date on the fidings there, Harry! And enjoy that beautiful simulated beach weather, ha ha ha. Now, with possible theories on what we may find floating in the water, we go to special guest commentator, comedian Gilbert Gottfried. Gilbert?"

Mr. Garrison shuts it off, "Well, there you have it, class."

Stan bellows aloud to everybody in the classroom, "So, let me get this straight: the news is there's no new news?"

"No, Stan, you heard the sexless Stephen Hawking wannabe – a cargo ship is on its way to the debris," says Mr. Garrison.

"That's not breaking news, that's a bottom-screen scrolling news text update. One keeps you updated, the other wastes your time."

"Stan, that aerial floating debris shot is very important."

"It's filler!"

There's a moment of awkward silence. Eric humorously claps real quietly a few times.

Mr. Garrison yells, "News denying Nazi!"

"What?" says a shocked Stan.

"That's what you are: a Malaysian airplane news update denier Nazi!"

"Yeah, you're a Nazi, is what you are!" Butters points toward Stan.

"Jesus Christ!" Stan says, absolutely taken aback.

"What's a Nazi?" asks Butters, raising a hand.

"Eric," Kyle points to Eric.

"Kyle, will you ever just get over that? I only tried to exterminate all the Jews in the world once. I didn't even succeed."

"Oh, no you don't – don't you dare hide behind the son of God! Especially after what he went through in 'The Passion of the Christ', Stan!" shouts Mr. Garrison.

Stan sits there, wide-eyed with his mouth agape, speechless.

…

Later that school day. The four are at their lockers.

"I sure hope this fucking plane thing is over soon so they can move on to the next human disaster to milk for a month and maybe then we'll get some sanity around here," says Stan.

"Until they find some part of that plane, they'll probably be talking about it until Christmas," says Kyle.

"Oh, hey there, fellas," says Butters as he stops at the group.

"Hey, Butters," says Stan.

Playing with a cellphone, Butters speaks, "I'm trying out this new app I just downloaded; the Malaysian Updater App."

"What's it say?" asks Kenny.

"Ahhh… it says: Breaking News Alert: The History Channel is reporting aliens might be involved. Oh, that sounds kind of cool."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" says Stan.

A beep sounds from Butters cellphone, "Oh, George R.R. Martin has sent me a new text. Let's see here… yeah, it's another big floppy wiener. Kind of figured so."

"Who fucking cares?" comments Eric.

"If only there was some way of finding the plane faster, then maybe we could get back to a normal life. Relatively speaking," says Stan.

"Who cares…" says Eric while switching books at his locker.

"You don't think they'll delay, post-pone, or even just skip altogether the 'Terrance and Phillip' season finale, do you?" asks Kyle.

"Oh, another text – I didn't know I was so popular. Let's see… from Anthony Weiner. Okay. Oh. Another flaccid wiener."

Eric says again, "Who c—WHAT?!"

"Another flaccid wiener, see?" Butters holds his phone screen up to Eric's face.

"Did you say 'post-pone'?" asks Eric.

Stan looks at him, "Think about it: by the time that Norwegian ship gets to the floating debris, It'll be prime-time – right when 'Terrance and Phillip' are on; of course they'll cut away."

"Son of a fucking … bitch ass!" Eric rips his hat off and throws it on the ground.

"Well, that's a new one," comments Stan.

"They will not fucking do this to me again. First they delayed the new season in 2009 because of Fort Hood, then they never even showed two May Sweeps episodes after the Boston Bombing. I have had enough!"

Stan says sarcastically, "That's what I like about you: your selfless compassion for human life."

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" asks Kyle.

"I am going to find that Malaysian airliner!"

After a few seconds of just staring at him, Stan says, "Uh huh," in uncaring disbelief.

Kyle closes his locker, "Let's go by the cafeteria and see what they're serving today. Come on, guys," heads off with Kenny and Stan in tow.

Butters fiddles with his phone after it beeps, "Oh, hey – another text message. Hey, Eric – who's Mark Foley?"

Angrily with palpable agitation, Eric grunts, "I don't know!" and puts his hat back on.

"I wonder what it is – oh, another floppy wiener. I was kind of hoping somebody would say 'Hi' for once."

"Come on, Butters!"

"Where to?"

"We're gonna find out once and for all where the hell that Malaysian airplane is!"