"Woosh! Woosh! Azula reporting for duty." She stopped stealthily at the corner of the hall, peeking cautiously around the wall. "All clear, move out." She whispered to herself. She dropped into a summersault and fell into the center of the room.
"Good lord, what are you doing?" Zuko asked.
Azula shrieked and jumped back. "Zone not clear, I repeat zone not clear! Retreat, retreat!" She dashed back down the hallway.
She had to find somewhere to hide before she found herself held captive. She threw herself under the dining room table.
"Much success very succeed." She smiled to herself. Zack the dragon hunter and his evil master, Fire Lard Ozai would never find her here.
"Seriously Azula, you okay?"
She peered out from under the table, Zack was standing in the middle of the room rubbing at his scar. "You'll never catch me Zack!" She declared, army crawling out from under the table. She picked up a chair and threw it at Zuko.
"Zack? Who the hell is Zack?!" Zuko shouted.
Azula shot him a look as if to suggest that he was the one who wasn't making any sense. "You. You are Zack, nimrod."
"I'm a nimrod now…" he muttered to himself. He looked up to see Azula vanish down a different hall. He had to put a stop to this before he hurt herself or did something particularly embarrassing…not that she already hadn't.
She'd already tripped—mostly stumbling over her own feet—about seven times within the hour.
"I need a disguise." Azula murmured to herself. Her eyes lit up, "I know, camouflage!" She yanked her top off and threw it clear across the room, hitting Zuko directly in the face. Unfortunately he removed it from his sight just in time to catch the sight of Azula's bare bum as she made a sprit out the backdoor and into the outside world.
"You've got to be kidding me." Zuko slapped his hand to his forehead. So much for keeping her contained. Now Ursa would certainly find out that the two of them had violated her 'no cactus juice' rule. "Dammit Azula! Get back inside right now."
Azula came to an abrupt stop, causing herself to topple to the ground an eighth time. She quickly recovered, stood up, turned around, flipped him the bird, and continued her mad dash—still holding her finger sky high.
A group of guards rounded the corner. "Oh no. No, go back inside!" He screamed at them. They weren't paying attention. So instead he was forced to make a crazy dash of his own; he took off full speed and rammed into Azula, pushing them both into the bush.
Azula gasped. "Are you running away from the Fire Lard too?"
"You mean the Fire Lord?"
Azula gave a snorting laugh. "What are you, stupid? I meaned it exactly how I said it…Lire Fard. I mean Fire Lard."
"Be quiet." Zuko hissed.
"Oh right, good idea, we'll hide in this bush. The Fire Lard will never find us here."
"We're hiding in this bush until—" he paused. He had a better idea, a much better idea. "Okay, okay. Azula, new mission."
She leaned in closer.
He pushed her back. "New mission: get to the palace without being seen by anyone. Got it?"
"Way ahead of you."
He looked up to see her, literally, way ahead of him. She scuttling across the lawn. It was a surprisingly really fast scuttle at that. The only problem was that she was going the wrong way.
"No Azula, this way. We have to get into the palace."
She pointed at the door, all the way across the yard and rolled her eyes, "dum-dum."
"This one's closer!" He pointed to the other door.
"Pshhh, that's no fun!"
Zuko scowled, and ran for that door. Once inside he grabbed her clothing and ran back to her side. "Azula put your pants on."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Zu-Zu, we're tryingnottobe seen remember? It's your mission. And unlike you Mr. Exposed, I'm camouflaged." Azula slurred
"You are not camouflaged, you're naked. Literally everyone can see you and your ass right now."
Azula blinked up at him in confusion. "But this is how the snakelizzards doing…do it. This is how the snakelizzards do it."
"Are you a snakelizzard?" Zuko asked.
"Alright this is gonna sound crazy." She stood up and again invaded Zuko's personal space. "Bu-bu-but I think I was a snakelizzard in a past life. Like I'm a snakelizzard. I am a snakelizzard right now. Like I'm not even a human bean."
Zuko hit his head against the nearest tree. "Azula! Pants. Now!" He thrust the clothing articles at her.
"Never."
"Azula." He hissed again upon noticing the very puzzled servant standing in the doorframe holding a towel. The poor woman looked slightly terrified. "Put your clothes on."
"Azula put your clothes on." She mocked before sprinting the rest of the way across the yard and diving into the pond.
Zuko's level of concern skyrocketed. Azula wasn't a very strong swimmer without the influence of cactus juice. "Lord Agni!"
To his amazement she made it across the pond in record time, not even slowed by the army of pissed off turtleducks pecking at her.
"This is slightly incredible." His voice was barely above a whisper. Maybe the clothes really were holding her back, maybe…wait a minute! That's preposterous! Maybe the armor would have weighed her down, but cloth? No, that was just ridiculous.
No less the princess had made it out of the pond and into the palace, the trail of water left in her wake completely destroying the point of the mission.
Zuko stomped into the palace. "Okay you are going to put your clothes on and you are going to like it!"
What she did next he should have seen coming. She began charging her lightning, very sloppily at that—to a point where he wondered how she could even generate lightning at all. Luckily for him she was so drunk, she could only muster up the voltage of a hand buzzer.
But the shock of the lightning itself was nothing in comparison to the sting that came finding out she had generated the lightning with only one finger.
A very particular finger.
A finger she seemed to be very fond of today.
Azula had in fact zapped him in the most obscene way possible. Zuko was all kinds of offended at the moment. Offended and flabbergasted. So much so, that he almost let her run off again.
Azula chuckled to herself. "I really showed him lightning didn't I Kiyang?"
The unfortunate guard nodded in agreement. He did not want to find himself at the end other end of her middle finger. He looked over at Zuko with pleading eyes.
Azula slapped him, "are you staring at my boobs!?"
Mind clouded by fear the man blundered over his words."No! I'm starring at Zuko's boobs!"
"What are you trying to say Kiyang?" Zuko asked.
"Nothing! Nothing! I meant that I was staring at you, not at your boobs…your lack of boobs."
"You're staring at my boobs aren't you." Azula muttered again.
Zuko seized the opportunity. "Put your clothes on."
Azula squinted at her shirt. "I don't like that one."
"You liked it before you drank the cactus juice." Zuko frowned.
"Can I go now?" The guard squeaked. He didn't wait for an answer, he tip toed away.
Azula's eyes went wide for a moment. She put her hands on her chest and sighed with relief. "Oh thank Agni, I thought they were gone for a second."
Zuko could best compare his current expression to that of when he walked in on Sokka chewing on a rose. "Well helloooo" the memory invaded his mind sending a shiver crawling down his spine. "Yeah, you're going to bed now."
"It's still sun outside." Azula pointed at the daytime moon.
"Azula that's not even the sun."
"You're not even the sun. You're the daughter, I'm the son."
"Wrong sun, Azula."
"Kissmyass." She slurred again.
"There are about a million other things I'd rather do." Zuko replied, taking her hand. "Now let's get you dressed and in bed."
"I can get there myself. I'm. I am. I'm a strong independent Dr-dr-dragon Goddess of Fire, I don need yer help!" She crawled atop one of the dragon sculptures that lined the hall. "I am dragon."
"I thought you were a snakelizzard."
"I'm a dragon and a snakelizzard. I can feel it ya know. Like I have wings but I you just can't see them. And also I can do this." She tried her very hardest to climb up the wall, but just ended up face up on the floor. She continued making arm and leg motions, as if crawling on the ceiling. Zuko pressed his forehead to the wall. He'd definitely have a bruise to show for it in the morning.
"Do I want to know?" Mai muttered.
"Cactus juice." Zuko answered.
Mai snickered. She actually snickered. "Oh man. This. This is priceless. If only I had something to capture this moment forever." She glanced at Azula who still continued to 'crawl around on the ceiling'. "Come on Azula, let's go upstairs."
The woman merely glanced at Mai.
"There's a small nation waiting to be conquered up there." Mai added somewhat sing-songy.
Azula sprung up. "Where? Which room?"
Mai listed off the directions to Azula's bedroom.
"Woooooooshhhhhh, Azula reporting for duty. Mission, conquer small palace nation." The firebender darted enthusiastically up the stairs and into her bedroom, where she finally collapsed. Apparently the mighty stairs were too much for the princess.
Mai picked her up, draped her robe around her, and tucked her in.
She turned to Zuko, whose jaw was practically on the floor. "H-h-how did you do that?" He sputtered.
Mai rolled her eyes. "Oh my Agni, you've been living with her for how long now?"
"I've never seen her on cactus juice before."
"So what you're telling me is that you can take on a psychotic, somewhat lucid Azula in an agni kai. But you can't catch a drunk, clumsy, completely out of it Azula?"
"Two totally different playing fields, Mai. I'm used to dealing with her firebending."
"You always have some excuse don't you Zuko? She completely slaughtered you in her drunk fantasy world."
"Be quiet." Zuko grumbled. "And whatever you do, don't mention this to Ursa or she'll kill both me and Azula!"
Mai smirked. "And that's a bad thing?"