CHAPTER 1: Claire.
Would
the pain ever cease?
The Doctor knew the answer to that question,
but still didn't move. He was sat, silently, in a field of green
grass, back against the blue of the TARDIS. The scent of apples rose
from the blades of grass, and in the distance was a metallic city
glinting. Also was a huge hospital, once white and gleaming. Now it
was dirty, in disrepair, the moon symbol smashed and dark. Slowly,
the Doctor's eyes slid shut and his head slipped sideways onto his
shoulder, and he flopped into the grass, asleep.
The warm sun beat on his head as he walked, running with Rose through the same apple grass as he was sat upon now. They sat on his coat, wind whipping their hair about. He remembered her voice as she complained about the wind blowing her hair out of style. Such a human thing to worry about. Such a Rose thing, oh how he had loved her…
The dream changed. Watching as the cat nuns were taken away. It speeded up, images rushing by. The werewolf, Madame de Pompadour, The cyber men advancing on them, speeding up until it was a rushing blur. And then-
"Dalek
Thay!"
"Dalek Sec!"
And then once more, clinging onto the levers, the pull on him so strong, he watched wide-eyed as Rose was pulled away from him. "ROSE!" He yelled in his dream, watching her, and instead of Pete appearing, she went into the void, into hell. "NO!" He yelled, as a hand touched his shoulder.
Deep brown eyes snapped open, and the Doctor realised he was panting, Gasping for breath. He made to sit up, and found himself looking into pale blue eyes. As his breathing calmed, he swallowed, and forced a smile. "Hi" He leant back against the TARDIS as his hearts slowed into their normal painful beating. The blue eyes belonged to a sixteen-year-old girl, with long brown hair that hung to her shoulders, streaked with sun-dyed blond highlights. She had a light dusting of freckles and, he noticed, rather pointed ears.
"Are you okay?" The girl asked in soft tones, like honey and cream pouring together. The Doctor nodded, slowly. Then he noticed the long, black panther-style tail wrapping around her ankles and took another look at her. When she blinked, so did a pair of inner eyelids, and she had two whiskers each side of her nose.
"I'm the Doctor" The Doctor introduced himself, gripping the TARDIS to pull himself upright. He noted the girl was shorter than him by about a head. "Claire" She introduced herself. The Doctor eyed her tail with slight apprehension. Noting him do this, she grinned, displaying rather pointed teeth. "Don't worry, I'm not like those Sister of plentitude people. I'm a Pathrotis." The Doctor nodded slowly, his eyes twinkling for a moment as he remembered them.
"The part-panthers. Oh yes, I've never had much trouble with you lot" He gave a cheeky grin. She rolled her eyes. "I take it that was a secret insult I don't understand. Listen, are you okay? I heard you yelling, that's why I woke you up"
The
Doctor froze. What had she heard?
"What did I yell?" He asked
,trying to keep his tone casual. He was trying to force himself not
to cry, because he couldn't cry in front of her… he didn't know
why, he just couldn't. That nightmare was so painful, he'd had it
again and again. He hardly used to sleep, but now he had been falling
asleep all over the place. No one to talk to, have fun with. No Rose.
At the thought of her name he almost sobbed, catching it just in time and making it sound like a sneeze so he could wipe the tears away at the same time. "Bless you" Noted Louise. "You yelled Rose. Is that your mother or something?" The doctor's Jaw opened very slightly. Whatever he had expected, it wasn't that. His throat had become very dry, and he swallowed hastily. He felt hollow now, pain redoubling in his chest.
Could she have thought of a worse thing to say?
He hadn't thought about his family for a long time. All the pain of loosing Rose had been hard enough, and now with this added. Woodenly, he moved his head side to side. His voice was hoarse when he spoke. "No" He whispered. "She was so very different. I don't want to talk about this anyway" HE turned his head away, and realised he was shivering. What was going on with himself?
I've lost too much…this is what happens when I love… Family or … any love…it'll always ends in me loosing whoever I've loved…
"What's wrong?" Claire asked softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. He snarled "Don't touch me!" And threw her hand away, slamming against the TARDIS doors. His expression of anger changed into one of shock, his eyes widening as he looked at himself. "What's happened to me?" He murmured, and as he looked back at her, making eye contact, Claire saw pain, so much pain in those eyes. Pain and fear, and loss.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" Breathed the Doctor, turning and entering the TARDIS. He left the door open and Claire watched, watched as he entered and lent against the console, sobs heaving his body. Tears splashed onto the floor and Claire felt her heart wrench in sympathy. Who was this Doctor? That was the question picking at her mind, but silently, she entered. This man had clearly been through so much, there was so much pain in his eyes… She entered, hardly startled that it was bigger on the inside, she could think of that later.
"Who was she?" Claire said, after a while. The Doctor had slowly stopped crying, but his chest was still heaving and his face was tearstained, eyes bloodshot and red. He turned his gaze on her and she realised how beautiful his eyes were, bloodshot and all. Deep brown depths that you could get lost in, with all the pain and loss and joy. Pulling herself back to reality, she looked at him. He was pale, naturally, with brown hair that hung just into his eyes and he was unnaturally skinny, and had a wrung-out look, like he wasn't eating.
"Doctor?"
She whispered, looking at him.
"Rose" He whispered back. "She
was… so special… I-"His voice choked as he admitted it, at
last, to the open air. "I loved her" His words were hoarse again
and he took deep, rasping breaths, trying to not start crying again.
Claire cautiously placed a hand on his shoulder again, and this time
he didn't throw it off.
Inside, he felt so empty. Not just empty because he'd stopped eating, empty in himself. He had nothing now. He knew she would have wanted him to keep on going, keep on fighting for the universe, but what was the point? He couldn't see one, he didn't know one. He felt he had no purpose, and all he ever felt was pain. His eyes always stung from lack of rest, his hearts were always burning painfully, like they had been torn apart. He couldn't think straight. All was pain.
"Doctor, I…" Claire trailed off, not knowing what to say that wouldn't sound hollow and just mean nothing. "It's okay" He murmured back to her. "You didn't know her" He shook his head slowly, side to side, eyes opening and closing slowly. She could see he was weak. What had happened to do this to him, she wondered?
"What
happened to her?" Claire asked cautiously, scared he might snap at
her. She didn't want to offend him. The Doctor was stung to here
the fear in her voice. "She… I… she- I just- it's…" The
Doctor trailed off.
"It would help if you could speak in full
sentences" She smiled a small smile. The doctor gave her a smile, a
tiny one, but it seemed to hurt him.
Oh, god. Why was this pain so bad?
Rose… I need you so badly…
"I
can't say it" He whispered at last. "It's too hard."
Memories
flashed through his head, like in slow-mo. She was being pulled
towards that void, and the flash as pete appeared and got her, saved
her.
Why couldn't my lever had gone? Why hers? Why, oh why, did it have to be hers?
The Doctor swayed unsteadily, slight dizziness and nausea messing up his already confused thoughts. He was hungry, he knew it, and he needed to eat. What was the point of living any more if he didn't have Rose? He didn't drink either…
Claire felt him sway and put another hand on his other shoulder, gripping him steady. "Don't faint on me!" She warned, and the Doctor smiled at the order in her voice. Claire looked around and saw the TARDIS seats, leading him to them. "I don't wanna" He said thickly, and she felt her heart wrench in pity again as she made him sit. Seeing him close-up, she saw the deep rings around his sunken eyes, the unnaturally pale, waxy tone to his skin. She made him lay on his side across the chairs.
Chapter 2: The Bracelet.
She stroked his head soothingly, and the Doctor dozed off to sleep, his last sight was of her tail hanging low to the floor and he sunk into dreamless slumber. Shutting the door, Claire sat with her back against it, watching the Doctor's chest rise and fall slowly. Rose. She knew what it was like to lose someone special. She had lost her parents. But the Doctor, she knew, had lost so much more. She saw the way he went rigid when she had mentioned his mother, and wished she hadn't.
She herself must have dozed off. When she awoke, she stood, stretched and peeked out the doors. Night time now. She turned her eyes back to the Doctor, who was laying where she had left him, eye's half open as he blinked slowly, looking at her. She walked over to him.
The Doctor watched Claire. What had happened to him? He had let her just walk in and start caring for him. Caring… Rose would've done this for him if he had got sick, too.
"Rose"
He was an older man, hair short on his head, fuzzy black hair and a
deeper, north-london accent, with a leather jacket. His ninth body.
Rose looked up at him. They were drifting through space, having a day
off. Rose glanced up from the text-message she was sending, seeing
the Doctor holding a bracelet. She stood and walked to him, looking
at it. He handed it to her. "It's beautiful" She gasped,
looking at it. "It's a Sertano bracelet. But it's special" It
was shaped like a snake, with diamond scales, in rainbow coloured
gems. Each eye was green but with a single spot of glowing molten red
in the centre of the eye, where a pupil should be. "The eyes have a
special substance in them. In ten years, it'll mature and then, if
we get separated, you'll e brought back to the Tardis." Rose…
you said we'd never ever be split up. I told you to never say never
ever. "Rose!"
"I can't…" The
Doctor murmured, feeling pain scorching his neck and stomach. "Oh
jeez, I think I'm… gonna… faint…" and so saying, the
Doctor's eyes shut and he slid into unconsciousness. "DOCTOR!"
Shouted Claire, shaking him. "Damn! Not good" She put a hand on
his chest, and felt two heartbeats. "That's weird" She
murmured. Then she checked his pulse, which was normal. She wandered
around the outside corridors until she found a kitchen.
Re-entering the console room with a pitcher of water in one hand and some soup in the other, Claire looked at the Doctor. She didn't know why she was doing this for him, she hardly knew him. She carefully placed the pitcher on the floor, pouring some into a paper cup she had brought in earlier. She lifted the Doctor's head up, propping him with her arm, and carefully, slowly, slowly, poured some water in his mouth. He coughed it up, then swallowed a couple of times, still unconscious. She sat this way for about half an hour, until he'd drank all the water. She did the same with the now-lukewarm soup.
"Come on, doctor" She murmured, placing the empty paper cup on the floor, and stroking the Doctor's thick brown hair. "Wake up. Please wake up."
The burning had gone, or at least faded slightly. The Doctor was only faintly aware of the taste of water on his parched lips, his throat being soothed, and then a warm and delicious liquid he recognised as soup as well. But he had not stirred, he was too weak to, and he remained unconscious.
Wake up. Please wake up…
The words were not from him. They were outside his subconscious, breaking in from outside. He was half-conscious, but not fully. He felt his head change angle and more of the soup in his throat.
Claire felt relieved as the Doctor began to react and drink the soup properly from the cup. "You're okay" She whispered happily as he sopemed his eyes half way, and gave her a slight smile. He attempted to sit up but lay back against her arms with a moan.
"It's okay, relax" Murmured Claire, softly stroking his hair again. "You're okay now. Relax." And the Doctor felt himself relax. It was almost like being with Rose, he knew he could trust her somehow. Oh, why did he have to think about Rose? That memory was fresh in his mind. The bracelet. He had given her that bracelet. Eight years until he could see her… if she'd even remember. Had she been wearing it? She wanted to keep it special, she hardly ever wore it…
The Doctor sat bolt upright and then groaned in pain, but still swung his legs over the side and got up. "Doctor, what are you doing? You shouldn't get up!" Claire said in shock, watching him. The Doctor felt the world tilt alarmingly, as if to illustrate this point. "I have to check… I must… if she has it…" He muttered senselessly, and was aware of Louise taking his arm. "I have to…" He murmured. She looked into his deep brown eyes. His skin had lost some of the waxy look. "You need to what, Doctor? Tell me, I can help!"
"Need to see if she took the bracelet. Have to" He muttered.
She gripped his arm tightly. "Okay, lean on me. Just direct us" He did so. He had always vowed never to show himself weakly, never be weak, always be strong. But he was not being strong here, he wasn't in control, He could barely stand. He woozily directed Claire, leaning on her, relying on her strength.
He was lighter than she had expected. Probably lighter than he normally was anyway, but still, it was unnatural. They entered a room decorated like a girls room, it was a pretty room. The walls were wood-panelled with a deep, shiny mahogany look. The bed sheets were powder pink, decorated with a single white rose in the centre of the duvet and the pillow. She felt the Doctor shiver as he saw these things, and the little toy puppy on the bedside table. "She…" He trailed off, and she heard him inhale sharply, felt his body shaken once more with sobs. "I got her that toy… she called It fido…she…" He began to cry again, inhaling sharply, the sobs muzzled slightly. "Don't cry" Whispered Claire. "You're weak enough as it is" She shot him a glance, but he continued to sob, and she let him cling to the pole of the mahogany four-poster ."What are you looking for?" she asked him softly.
"A bracelet. Like... like a snake. Covered in jewels." She nodded, and looked around, spotting a jewellery box. Lifting the black velvet-coated box, she opened it. A little blue fairy spun on a plinth, with a tinkling dance tune. The Doctor's sobs redoubled. Why was he putting himself through this, Claire wondered, as she searched. She pulled out the beautiful snake bracelet, the centrepiece of the jewellery box. It was breathtaking, but at the sight of it, the Doctor breathed out one word.
"No…"
Claire
looked at him. "NO! NONONO! NOO!" He screamed, eyes wild. She
jumped, looking at him. "What is it?" She gasped, wondering why
this bracelet was causing him this pain. He swallowed with an effort,
she saw his adams apple bobbing up and down at high speed. The tears
flowed freely down his face. "I can never get her back. Don't you
understand, Claire? She's gone. That was the one thing that could
have brought us back together. And she wasn't wearing it. We… we
can never… I'll never see her again"
His chest was heaving
with emotions. Leaving the snake, Claire went to him, and rubbed his
shoulder. He placed his head on her shoulder and sobbed. "I'm
alone again, Claire." He whispered to her, as she led him, still
heaving with sobs, up to where his bedroom was. She led him in. It
was simple, decorated like roses but with pale blue sheets, and no
possessions in sight. He lay on his bed, and his eyes blinked slower
and slower, repeating himself at every blink, until he slept.
"I never even told her I love her"
Several hours later she sat at the end of his bed, watching him, a plate of cold sandwiches and a cup of cold tea on the bed side table. The Doctor mumbled in his sleep, faint words, and rolled over. He had gained some colour in his face and Claire felt more reassured. But ever so often he would cry out and awaken, panting, wide-eyed, not even noticing her before slipping into sleep again. He was laying on top of the covers, still dressed, still how she'd left him, but she'd noticed a small silver device had slipped onto the bed from his pocket. She picked it up, looking at it. She pressed the button, and the tip glowed blue, emitting a faint buzz.
The teacup exploded.
Chapter three: Under Fire.
The Doctor stirred, turning and his eyes opening. Seeing the shellshocked Claire, he rolled onto his back and groaned. Placing a hand on his head, the Doctor took a deep breath and rolled to his feet. He felt dizzy, but not too bad. Looking at Claire, his eyes went from the smashed teacup to the sonic screwdriver in her hands. Leaning across, he plucked it from her grip and leant back. "Oh, god" He gasped, leaning against the bedpost, one hand on his head.
"Doctor?" Claire said quietly, looking at him in concern. The Doctor shook his head and then groaned. "urgh…" he noted. Then there was crash and Claire toppled to the floor. The doctor kept gripping the bedpost, sliding to the floor in a soft heap. "What was that?" Claire asked, looking at the Doctor. She noticed he was shivering again and lay him back on the bed, laying the blue covers over him. "The TARDIS took off. I have to-" He made to move but Claire pushed him back down effortlessly. The room juddered, but she held on, stroking the Doctor's hair, and sighed softly.
"Doctor…"
"She
would have cared for me. Rose. I love you, Rose" He murmured,
gripping her hand. "Sleep, doctor. Sleep" She whispered as his
eyes drooped, and she felt another wrench at her heart.
The TARDIS juddered again, and she fell over this time. Moving to the scanner, cat-tail flicking as she surveyed the deep space and saw a large ship, shaped rather like a cockroach, fired at them, the classical sci-fi laser bolts. The TARDIS shook, and she clung to the console, eyes wide.
She dashed to the Doctor's room. Feeling his head, she found he was roasting hot and doused in sweat. She felt bad doing this, but if they were to survive, he had to pilot the ship. "DOCTOR!" She yelled, shaking him violently. His eyes flickered open.
Then shut again as he leant forward, coughing furiously. The ship juddered again and she looked at him urgently. "Doctor, we're under attack!" She cried. He pulled himself out of bed, leaning on her shoulder slightly as he looked into her blue eyes, and nodded. "Get me to the console" He spoke with a hoarse voice and she could feel how hot he was from his touch.
At the console he dashed around, but not with his usual enthusiasm, a lot slower, and directed Claire a lot. "The Retro-scanner!" He said, doing something energetic with a pump and watching a dial spin. Clair whacked down on the button marked RS and flicked a switch upwards. With a whooshing sound, the TARDIS spun off through space, away from the ship. Then the Doctor staggered, and Claire grabbed him and he looked into her eyes.
Then he slid into her arms, unconscious.
Losing it.