„Speaking"
„Thoughts"
Song lyrics
„Kyuubi talking"
Disclaimer: I don´t own Naruto nor the Song My demons from Starset.
My demons
Mayday! Mayday!
The ship is slowly sinking
They think I'm crazy
But they don't know the feeling
It was always like this. Put on a bright fake smile, forcing a cheerful laugh out and making an idiot of himself. But that was fine. Naruto was fine with this. If this made the others stop worrying it was worth it.
He sometimes felt guilty for tricking them. Then came Sakura´s fist, the other insults like always and "maybe…" Naruto thought. "It was for the best." After all they don't really seem to care, right? Because if they did, they would have noticed, right?
He would continue this act, no matter how much it hurt. No matter how much he destroyed himself with every fake smile, every intentionally dumb remark he made or every forced laugh that burned his throat.
They're all around me,
Circling like vultures
They wanna break me and wash away my Colors
Wash away my colors!
He sometimes had these moments where he stared into space. Eyes glassed over and expression blank. As if he was far away and not even present. But as soon as someone would speak to him, because how the hell and why would Naruto look like that? And Are you all right? He would snap back to himself with a shake of his head. A sheepish smile and then he would proceed to rub the back of his neck in embarrassment.
Claiming, that he was just thinking or not at all paying attention or that he had seen something and was too focused on it. Apologizing for not paying attention or if he stared too long, he would just say that the stuff they were talking about was too boring, which in most cases involved him getting a punch to the back of the head.
Forcing a smile back on his face, Naruto made sure to get any suspicious glances away from him, while he acted more annoying than usual. Jumping and shouting all of the place, trying to focus attention on himself, even if he just wanted the opposite to happen.
He told the voice that even bothered him in the first place to be quiet and to shut up, because he had no time for getting distracted during mission because of something like that. The chill that the voice left hadn´t gone away even after it stopped speaking.
Take me high and I´ll sing
Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay,
´kay, okay, okay
Naruto liked to say he was fine a lot. He said it so often that by now, people "Friends" were not even believing him anymore, at least not with a lot of convincing. When he was getting beaten up or hit during a mission he just waved them off saying he would heal anyway.
"Sakura-chan, I am fine! Go heal the others!"
It was frustrating him, though no one noticed. Why were they suddenly not believing him? It was like their eyes were judging him or accusing him of lying. He wanted to tell them off, it wasn´t their problem. He wasn´t lying, he was fine. Really.
Because if they were there for him at the end of the day, the small things like pets on the head, ruffling his hair, a friendly teasing, an arm around his shoulder, he would be fine. He knows it. They are after all the only thing that keep him going, next to his dream to become Hokage.
What Naruto didn´t know was that these glances weren´t the least bit judging, they were concerned gazes of his friends. Worry swimming in their eyes after they caught him staring at nothing again. They knew he would be fine after getting physically hit, even if they didn´t like him getting hurt in the first place, but they were more worried for his mental health.
But nobody said anything, because surely, Naruto would tell them if something was bothering him. That´s what friends are for after all. Not to mention they knew he was strong, if not physically then emotionally.
We are one and the same
Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away,
´way, away, away
One fascinating thing was that Naruto always healed up fast, no matter what. Sometimes, there were these rare situations in where he didn´t have any Charka or was low on it, but he still healed up faster than normal.
His wounds weren´t really a problem, not even poising could keep him down for long. Once in a while, they would see him watching intently how one of his cuts would heal up, his lips pressed together to form a thin line on his face. No smile present. Sky Blue eyes darkened with an unknown emotion that was rarely present.
After the cut closed he would give a smile. Not a happy one, more like a bitter, but accepting one. He would mutter a quiet "Thanks." To himself and would wipe the blood off on his clothes. It would take him exactly ten seconds to go back to normal.
He didn´t even notice them watching, or he didn´t care ether way. His darkened Blue eyes would clear and light up, going back to their striking color of sky Blue. The faint lines of grimness on his face would soften and a goofy smile would break out on his lips, brighten up his whole face.
All the tension would leave them. Their friend, their family, no their home was okay. Because Naruto couldn´t be something other than that. He was always the one they could count on, that comforted them, reassured them, pulled them through. Relieved breaths would come out, their bodies more relaxed now.
Though they tried to act like everything was normal, they would wait patiently for Naruto, because he never really pushed them and they wouldn´t ether, they couldn´t help being worried.
After all, usually it took Naruto just five seconds instead of ten.
Save me if I become
My demons
It was strange, how they called him their savior. Not that he wasn´t glad. Of course, he was! He was finally, finally accepted. After saving them from Pain, he was almost getting worshipped. He just shot them smiles, thanking them, blushing at the compliments, because he never really got any. Shaking his head, saying he didn´t do much.
But they insisted. Even when he spoke up saying he shouldn´t be called a savior. He got weird looks in return, saying he shouldn´t act so humble, that they would call him that anyway.
"How disgusting. Now, they are calling you that? Pathetic, how they just changed their opinion now, after everything you did before that."
But he just questioned himself.
"How can I be called a savior if I can´t even save myself?"
The question wouldn´t leave him alone.
I cannot stop this
Sickness taking over
It takes control and drags me into nowhere
It was a red haze every time he used its power. He would find himself ether in the sewer getting dragged down into the cold heavy water. So deep, he couldn´t even see the surface anymore.
Or in this kind of Red vision that had taken over, driving by ugly feelings. Feelings he wished he wasn't cable of feeling.
Trying to fight it was almost useless once he was dragged down. He simple couldn't win. He wasn´t strong enough, not that that stopped him from trying anyway. He never gave up, no matter how much he wanted to. He had a feeling like he would disappoint his friends and there was no way he would do that.
Even so, it made him sick. Now, that he thought about it…it was comparable to getting sick. Not that he had experienced it, he never got sick. But from what he heard it was almost the same. This was just like a hidden sickness, slowly spreading without the hope of a cure.
Slowly destroying him from the inside.
It was making him dizzy, left him feeling weak. Black spots sometimes danced in his vision, then everything was black, like an endless abyss and when he woke up. If he woke up…
He had no memory of what happened, well just tiny bits and he could only assume the worst. His chest would be heavy with dread, hoping that he didn´t attack somebody. Sometimes he could still move after it happened, but there were times where even breathing hurt and he could only lay on the ground, thinking about the worst possible outcome, while promising to himself he would try to never let it happen again.
If there was one thing he was glad about when it ended. It was that it was quiet after that. The only thing he would sometimes hear was deep grumbling that he recognized as laughing deep within his mind.
I need your help,
I can't fight this forever!
I know you're watching,
I can feel you out there
"Please! Please help me!"
That plea would be on the tip of his tongue, quietly the thoughts, these words leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He wanted to call out beg them to help him, he was getting tried, even he could admit that he needed help. This wasn´t a desperate call for attention, he really needed it.
…but….
He never said those words. He often yelled them in his mind, when he saw his friends standing near him, wanting to tell them. It wasn´t his pride that held him back, no he wasn´t so childish… it was more like fear.
"What if they don't believe me?"
"I don´t want to burden them. I don't want to be a bother, not again."
"They have their own problems…"
But deep down, the question that terrified him the most was…
"Afraid that they simply won't care? That they would ignore you like they did before?"
It was cruel that he couldn´t hide his insecurities from the one thing, that he wanted to hide the most. He needed to be strong to win against something like that, but it already knew his weaknesses and it just wasn´t fair that he had no privacy from his own personal nightmare. The flinch he gave every time, which he always played of as he was just a bit cold, wasn´t it chilly out here? Seemed to amuse it even more. The cruel half truths and half lies, making him confused and question a few things, he was already unsure to begin with.
So, instead to of telling them, he simply let the words die on his lips, because he didn´t want to show his vulnerable side. Not to them, for them, he would be strong, as strong as he could be.
Take me high and I´ll sing
Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay
´kay, okay, okay
"It´s okay Sakura-chan! Don't be sad! We will definitely get Sasuke back next time! Everything will be okay! I promise." Naruto tried to reassure her and was pleased to see her smile. It was small and barely there, but seeing it alone gave Naruto some hope.
"Like you promised the first time around? Face it. The Uchiha is gone and you can´t do anything about it. You can´t even save yourself how can you even think you could save your Friend."
"I..I will make it okay. I will just watch everyone." Naruto thought firmly. His thought was strong, determination and hope in it, but the slight waver at the beginning still made him feel uneasy. He balled his hands into fists, tight enough to draw blood, which he hid inside his pockets. He felt exhausted from this encounter with his dear old friend, totally spend, but put everything into making his prisoner shut up.
He succeed…
With a sigh of relief he slumped down next to the others who looked at him in surprise. He just waved them off and told them he was a bit tired.
…but for how long?
We are one and the same
Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away,
´Way, away, away
It was an accident. It really was. He hadn´t meant to cut himself. He was just cooking dinner for once to fill the heavy silence in his apartment. He simply made a mistake and cut himself into his hand. He winced and laid the knife back down. He opened his hand to inspect the cut, ignoring the crimson liquid that ran down his arm and dropped onto the floor.
"Crimson like its eyes and chakra."
It already began to close up. Ugly emotion began to course through him as he kept watching. Blue eyes narrowed, lips pulled into a frown.
Oh, how he disliked it. When it healed him, he was a fast healer natural so why couldn´t it just stop? Why did it have to take the pain away? Not that he liked pain or anything, but it made him feel like he was ungrateful.
How laughable. The thing that brought him pain also healed him. It was like a never-ending circle he just couldn´t escape from. Something like his own personal cycle of hatred, he talked with Pervy-Sage about.
It had been with him from the start. He indirectly was never alone, it was always there healing his cuts, or bruises or injuries. Not because it was nice, of course not, but it had done it. It was like being haunted by a ghost. It was always there never leaving him alone, no matter what. Making him miserable, but sometimes helping him.
So, even though he still disliked it. "He wouldn´t hate it…he wasn´t like the villagers." A bitter part of his mind whispered. Not to mention hate made him tired and he would easier snap. The headache wasn´t worth it. He was trying to break the cycle of hatred, damn it!
He would thank it, for being there from the start, for healing him even if it made up for that with pain.
He thanked it because he had no fear of getting injured, knowing he would get healed even if he did get hurt, so he could protect his friends easier.
Save me if I become
My demons
There was this one time. Where he declared, he would save Sasuke and his friends and the village and everyone who needed it and his friends had looked at him with sadness, frustration and …fear. At first his heart had sunken because
"…no! No!NO!NO! They can't-! Not them-!Please don't!-"
But then he noticed it. They weren´t scared of him, they were scared for him. Frowns on their faces, almost hesitant to speak to him. Worry clear as a day in their eyes.
"If you save everyone… who saves you?" It was Hinata who spoke, without stuttering for once! Her lavender eyes bore into his Blue ones. She seemed to wait for him patiently, like she wanted to hear him say something. He felt the gazes of his friends on him and panic was starting to spread through him, but in an instant as the questioned registered in his mind, he felt a strange hollow feeling.
They were seriously asking him that?
Naruto just grinned at them. His sunny grin wasn´t what it used to be, more empty and a few of them flinched. It was so wrong. His eyes shut, so he didn´t have to face them, his posture relaxed.
"Who said I needed to be saved?" He asked cheerfully, as he opened his eyes to gaze at the sky, which was a pale grey, matching the mood. He turned his back on them and walked away, feeling their gazes on his back.
"Naruto-kun…"
"Sorry Hinata, but I-I just can't say it…" Naruto thought grimly. There was his chance, but he wouldn´t drag them down with him. He wouldn´t corrupt his light with his darkness.
Take me over
The walls bellow
Fly forever, don't let me go
I need a savior
To heal my pain…
When I become my worst enemy
The enemy
Some people in the village would gaze at him with sadness when they heard that a Sasuke mission went wrong again. Failed. They would give him a smile when he looked up, but their thoughts were clear to him.
"His first and dearest Friend…became his worst enemy." Their eyes seemed say, pitying him a bit, but he just startled them with a bright grin. The whole thing seemed so silly to him. He would sigh and tell them he was fine. It was okay.
They didn´t believe him, but he just brushed them off as he walked towards the Hokage mountain, to meditate in peace, it was his favorite place. Their accusations were wrong anyway.
The wind rushed past him as he jumped from roof to roof, the cold wind ruffling his sunny locks.
"He´s not my worst enemy." He had wanted to tell them that, but he knew they would only be confused, because who else could it be?!
He couldn´t just shake his head at them or roll his eyes, before giving them a smile and saying.
"Myself."
Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay,
We are one and the same
You take all of the pain away
Panting, breath uneven and rushed in short gasps escaped him. His shaking limps spread across his bed and the sheets that were soaked in cold sweat. His eyes wide open in fright, pupils blown.
It was silent in the room, expect the noises he made. He tried to calm his racing heart, slowly sitting up. He held his head in his hands, a humorless laugh escaping him. He didn´t care about that, not that the neighbors could hear him and report insane laughter from his apartment in the middle of the night.
The flashes of his nightmare still fresh in his mind. The screaming, the blood, the lifeless bodies of his precious friends lying dead at his feet, how they drowned on their own blood, red eyes lit up with hatred-
"Okay, don´t go there, happy thoughts, happy thoughts!" Naruto breathed slowly in and out, trying not to choke on sobs. It wasn´t unusual that he had nightmares. He pinched himself a few times, trying not to let his thoughts go back to that.
"It wasn´t real!" He tried to convince himself.
It was times like these where he wished that he had someone, anybody to comfort him after such things. The silence in his apartment only made him more upset. He wanted to rush out to check up on them, but that would bother them. He could wait.
"It will be soon reality for you, Brat."
Naruto froze at the voice gripping his hair, pressing his eyes shut as he tried to physically shut the voice out.
"Shut up. I will go get the kunai." That made it go silent. Naruto threatened it with harming himself to the point it would be exhausted from healing him and it usually made him shut up. He only had done it twice, he normally only went through with it if he was desperate for silence. When he hadn´t got the strength to snarl back at it. "Over his dead body!" Like now.
He didn´t like to use this method, because how would he explain the blood? When he was younger it was easier. The Anbu just waited outside his house and there weren´t any Inuzuka who could smell it. But now, Kakashi-sensei could just drop by or someone else. It was too risky.
His eyes prickled and they were heavy. His blood was still pounding in his ears and his lip trembled, but he would manage. He always did.
The next day he would be more jumpy and flinch at anything with the color red, but they didn´t comment on it.
Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay
'Kay, Okay, Okay
We are one and the same
Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away
'Way, away, away
Save me if I become
My demons
-
"Oi Naruto. Focus." It´s, no Kurama´s voice was stern and gruff but no longer filled with malice. Naruto blinked a few times, looking around the battlefield, where all of them were fighting for the sake of the world.
Naruto felt a warmth spread through him. He had come a long way, hadn´t he? From the ignored messed up in the head fool with an impossible dream, to a savior and friend. His inner demon, now his partner and maybe, his situation wasn´t bad at all, not even from the beginning.
He wouldn´t change his life for anything, he wouldn´t give away his partner, his friend, his demon. It was this hardship that made him who he was today.
So, with a "Sorry!" and a small communication without words, he leapt into the battle, fully intent that they would get through this.
-
Take me high and I'll sing
Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay
'Kay, Okay, Okay
We are one and the same
Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away
'Way, away, away
Save me if I become
My demons