Hello, my name is Katsuki Yuri, and I have been training with Victor for a while now. I'm bad under pressure but I try to do my best, my biggest support is my coach. I asked Victor to stay until the GPF, but I lost at the end to J.J and Yurio. J.J won gold while Yurio took second place. I was third and I'm not proud of it. I got third because I'm a failure, I can't do things right and this time was no different, even when I knew Yurio was a tough opponent I was overly confident, almost as confident as J.J was of himself, and that made me fail. I knew I had twisted my ankle after a landing that looked perfect but in reality it wasn't, the pressure on my ankle nearly broke it, but the show must go on.
-Oi, katsudon!- Yurio called me while I was trying not to cry, I had let Victor down. I had promised the gold medal after all.
-Yes, Yurio-chan? - He was royally pissed at my use of "chan" but he was younger than me and although I deeply admired him for all he did for his family, his talent skating and for having Victor with him, I couldn't help give him a smile.
-Give Victor to me- My smile stood in place while I said 'no' with my head. Victor was not mine to give away anyway, he was not a thing.
-You are useless, you lost and we said that the better skater was going to get Victor as a coach; I won although I lost to J.J…but things will be different once Victor becomes MY coach. I can do better than you and you know it- His words hurt like hell, but he wasn't wrong.
-I know, but at the end it is Victor's decision what he plans on doing- My ankle was killing me, my fake smile was taking everything of me to just not crumble right there. Not with Victor coming to us.
-Yuri! Yurio!- He really had the worst timing possible, still I smiled a bit more for him, greeted him with a hug and we sat down on a bench near the entrance.
-Victor, you will be my coach, right? - Yurio got straight to the point. I knew he did all this in order to be number one and be the pillar of his home since his grandpa was sick and everything depended on him.
-Of course, I am a man of my word after all- The satisfied smile Yurio gave me, how Victor said 'sorry' time after time and finally leaving with Yurio, and my own mental state crashed once I was alone.
Unlike the past, now I didn't lock myself in the bathroom, I just sent messages saying farewell and saying I would be returning to Japan, to my hometown in Hasetsu the day after tomorrow. I planned to just rest a day and go to the doctor and go home. Injuries could be bad if they weren't treated properly after all.
The injury was worse than I first thought. After taking out my skating shoes, I noticed how red and swollen it was, just standing up hurt like hell. The pain was killing me after putting so much pressure after seeing Victor go.
At the doctor I finally cried. He told me I had to rest a few weeks, a month if necessary. I wasn't getting any young, injuries now took more time to heal and my mental stability was broken. The doctor thought I was crying because of the pain so he gave me some painkillers and that almost made me laugh, because I knew that no amount of painkillers were going to make my heart stop hurting.
I returned home and in a week I started gaining weight, I stopped skating and I stopped doing things I loved. Victor in more times that I can admit tried calling me, he even sent text messages, same Yurio and Phichit. But I couldn't answer them.
I was depressed.
Trying to appear happy for Phichit on Messenger or even trying to sound cheerful was bad enough and that was the reason I deleted everything I had, all my social networks and I even cancelled my phone number. I knew my family was getting worried since I became a hikkikomori, but I couldn't care less.
I left my home without telling anybody. I was scared, alone and didn't know what to do. Everybody around me was what I called "a genius" since they could do things I couldn't. A week had passed since I cut off communication with everybody, a week that made me realize nobody was going to come running asking me what was wrong with me.
I was alone.
I cried.
-I wonder, if I disappear, will they notice? - It was just a murmur, but I was seriously considering disappearing from their lives. I was a coward so I couldn't commit suicide but damn, the idea keep going around my head.
-I can try- the first cut didn't hurt, it was refreshing. But one wasn't enough, soon a second, a third, a fourth, and more followed. The red pool of blood at my sides was the only evidence I needed.
-I can do it- The cuts were going deeper as I was thinking the cuts didn't hurt. That was until Minami came and hugged me from behind, screaming things like "you bastard, you never came to my birthday party, I was waiting for you" and how he missed me and how it was impossible for him to call me or contact me since all my social networks were dead and my phone number cancelled.
He finally noticed the blood and he screamed bloody murder.
-You are going to leave me deaf- I told him in what I thought to be a joking manner.
-I don't care… the cuts are deep…- he said trying to stop the blood.
-It would have been best if you didn't find me…How did you find me anyway? - His face was dark, angry, but his eyes were so sad, that they didn't match the joyful Minami my mind remembered him.
-Don't say more- he tried to make me quiet but I was already in silence, talking became difficult, I felt weak and everything keep moving around me, he was younger than me, he looked terrified and tried to help me not to lose more blood.
-Sorry- I lost consciousness. I remember Minami shouting things, hitting my head so hard on a rock causing more blood to leave my body, although this time it was in an accident, and I remember how scared he looked, it made me think that someone did care. Even if he was a junior to me.
Minami contacted everyone and in a few moments everyone knew that Yuri had started cutting himself, how he became a hikkikomori and how he was now at the hospital. All the skaters that knew him, even if they weren't friends, decided to visit him.
The first person Yuri saw was a very angry Yurio.
-Oi pig, you are finally awake, about time- I tried to remember his name or even why he was so hostile with me but nothing came to my mind.
-Yeah…Good morning…Who might you be?- My question caused him to glare more and answering me instead with 'you should know' and a 'stop joking, it isn't funny' but I wasn't joking.
-I am not joking. Why are you so hostile with me? Were you… not my friend? Why else would you come to see me if not? Or maybe you think all I do is to piss you off?- I was getting angry with every second until a second person entered. He was so handsome.
-Yurio, don't make Yuri angry, he is in a hospital after all- A small 'che' was heard and the second person laughed. He seemed a few years younger than me.
-Thank you… What's your name? - And his smile disappeared. Was it something I said?
-Phichit- He looked about to cry, but Yurio took him outside and called a doctor. Minami arrived with my parents, I couldn't remember them. Not even them.
-Let's begin the introductions! My name is Katsuki Yuri, according to the doctor anyways, nice to meet you! - I tried to sound cheerful but in reality I was nervous.
-I'm Phichit, we were friends…- he shook my hand and kissed my cheek. The action made Yurio and Minami blush; the kiss took me by surprise too.
-All of us are skaters like you, ice skaters- said Minami as if that explained everything.
-And I'm your rival- The blond one said. The one Phichit had called Yurio.
And lastly a man out of breath arrived panting so hard that I thought he was about to faint or have an attack.
-Yurio! Here you are! And Yuri! What happened to you? - He said while checking out my injuries.
-I don't know what happened or who are you but please don't touch me- The silver haired looked hurt but his touch hurt me too. My memory might be lost but my body remembered.
-What…? - And the little ones explained the situation to him and my parents. They had cried so hard that I felt bad about that, even if I knew it wasn't my fault.
My ankle got better in two weeks, same two weeks I stayed at the hospital trying to remember who everybody was, but I could hardly remember how everybody was called. The silver haired guy was Victor, the cute boy that found me was Minami and the one that called himself my best friend was Pichit. There were others, from different nationalities too; I was honestly surprised by that.
Phichit took me home and decided to stay with me, he told me everything about my ice skating and how was the GPF, the one I couldn't win gold, although he congratulated me for winning bronze. Everybody took care of me, since Minami told them about my cutting habits, of course I couldn't remember even that. Why would I want to cut myself? What was so bad that I needed that?
It was Seung Gil the one to tell me why. It shocked me since I believed he would never speak to me, he was always serious, looking like he was mad or something.
-So…Yurio "won" Victor as a coach? Why would that make me feel bad? You did mention that since the beginning both, Yurio and I, knew about Victor being coach of only one of us- I said trying to make sense, but couldn't. How can a man have such power over me? Why was he so important to me?
-…- I probably made Seung-oppa mad with all my questions. He wasn't saying anything.
-It's not like…I loved Victor or something- I said trying to joke, but Seung's face told me everything.
-Oh gosh, I did love him, right? - He didn't answer vocally; he just nodded while touching my hand.
-The two of you, were like the perfect couple, although as far as I know you weren't official. He kissed you on the ice ring, but when you lost to Yurio he simply told you good bye- his words hurt a lot. Did I mean so little to someone who was willingly kissing me?
-Maybe we weren't the perfect couple. Because even then I wouldn't hurt the one I love- he nodded in understanding. So I was right, he had hurt me and didn't even care.
-You… lost your memories, you can start again, you know? - He showed a very sincere desire to help me, so I hugged him, a little flashback came back to me and I laughed a little.
-Are you going crazy on me? - His eyebrow was raised.
-I think I remembered something. Have I hug you before? Because I kind of feel like I did and you were stiff as a board- I said trying not to laugh but his face was priceless.
-Ah… That time you went hugging everyone. Yurio even ran away before you could come near him- Poor guy, it looked as if I had traumatized him.
-Everyone? Did I won or something? - He told me and my heart broke, it was always about him, about Victor.
-It was because you passed to the GPF- he explained. Still, it didn't look like it was a nice memory for him, so I didn't push it.
-Thank you for telling me, Phichit would never tell me something like that and Minami always stutters when he speaks to me- he finally laughed.
-The poor guy likes you a lot, can you blame him? - He said laughing a little, and I couldn't stop my own laughter.
-No, I guess I can't- Seung-oppa caught my attention; he spoke only the necessary but always with the truth.
-I guess I should let you rest… Do you want to return to ice skating? - He sounded doubtful, almost scared of my answer.
-Sure, but you need to teach me how to skate- he agreed, we shook hands and everything seemed so normal that I wasn't worried.
I wasn't worried but Yurio and Victor were outside listening to everything. Victor had his hands in fist, he looked mad and Yurio was trying to calm him.
-You lost him, Victor Nikiforov. He is going to be mine. Stay away- was all Seung Gil murmured before disappearing at night.
Seung Gil did as he told me and tried to teach me how to skate without my glasses.
-Sorry, without my glasses I'm almost blind, I move from memory since I can memorize the ice ring- I told him after the third time my glasses fell of skating and I was getting frustrated. But he shook his head.
-Take my hand, follow my steps- and I did as he requested. It was easy to follow him that way, Minami even cheered for us and told me I should be the best skater he knew since I was always skating without my glasses, and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I probably was skating using contacts.
But now I could skate without glasses. I could do it. And it was all thanks to Phichit, Seung Gil and Minami. Yurio and Victor still came to visit us but after watching us interact they returned to Russia.
Still I had some questions in my mind, sometimes I had flashbacks and I wasn't very fond of them. They made me dizzy, and in some cases they made me mad at myself for not remembering. Recently I remembered how Victor cheered for me, kissed me and hugged me before a presentation.
If he did love me so much, why wasn't he here right now? I knew he cared for Yurio and I even recognized Yurio as a very good skater, but still if you love someone you don't leave them alone. Why did he leave me? Was I not good enough?
-I… don't want to remember- I finally confessed to Phichit.
-Why? I thought you were interested in knowing more about Victor- he sounded truly confused.
-Yes, but the more I remember, the more it hurts. And right now I'm happy with Seung-oppa, you and Minami, you all have been very nice to me. And I… think I'm starting to fall in love with Seung-oppa…He doesn't say much but is always by my side, answers my questions and is very supportive of me- I was ranting, playing with my fingers and Phichit noted that.
-Well, he may not be a playboy like J.J, and not very vocal as Minami, but he is charming. He is a dear friend and I support you two- Phichit hugged me and I cried.
-Did Victor leave me because I was such a failure? I have read about how I was skating, what an utter disaster I am, how I was damaging Victor since nobody recognized my efforts… In reality, he grew tired of me because I was useless, right? I mean, Yurio is great, so young too and he even makes better presentations than I- Phichit hit me on the cheek, not very hard but not very soft either.
.NOT. - His tone of voice sounded mad, I didn't dare to question if he was mad at me or at Victor. He was holding me so much that I was glad I wouldn't break easily.
-Yet, my coach left me for a younger one when he was sure he loved me- My sarcastic response didn't make Phichit happy but a little sigh escaped his mouth.
-Victor is an idiot. No wonder you eliminated all your contact information. If he is as bad as I imagine, then you did great- he told me how sometimes Victor called everyone to keep updated since he got word of my cutting habit and depression.
-Still… I like how he skates, probably that won't change ever- My little laugh made Phichit happy, because at least I didn't want to quit skating. And quite honestly with Seung-oppa I loved skating, however I knew it couldn't be forever, not even Victor stood with me forever.
The next morning I did my usual routine and went to skate, Seung-oppa was already waiting quietly for me, Yuko tried talking to him but failed since he not even once looked at her or told her anything.
-Thank you for being with me… I'm sure you want to return to Corea- I said thanking him for everything. Maybe he took it the wrong way or something because next thing I knew he had me in his arms, his hold very strong.
-I won't leave. I won't be like him- We both knew who he was referring to.
-Really? - I hated the hopeful tone of voice I unconsciously let out, but I so wanted to believe in him.
-Really- And he kissed me.
We both didn't know it but Yurio, Victor and Yuko saw the kiss.
-Yuuuuri- Yurio shouted from where he was. Seung and I got separated with big blushes and in my case a big smile.
-Yurio- I greeted him and Victor, still every time I was with him I was so weak. This time was different. The moment Victor hugged me I lost consciousness. I began to remember while distant voices called my name.
I woke up while being held by Seung-oppa over a bench. Everyone that saw me collapse was near me.
-Uhm… sorry? - I said while Seung Gil played with my hair, not saying anything, but it wasn't necessary, his eyes told me everything. He truly believed I was going to choose victor.
Victor hugged me trying to separate Seung and I, but I didn't let him, I even went closer to Seung Gil, to the surprise of the later.
-Oi katsudon, don't scare us like that- Yurio seemed like someone ready to call 911.
-Sorry, I just… remembered everything, I guess? - I tried to explain while Victor was very happy and tried to be closer to me but he didn't manage to be so he excused himself.
-Want to rest? - Seung was being nicer than ever.
-Probably? - I was so unsure that he laughed and let me rest while calling everyone. Phichit came from my home to the ice castle in less than 5 minutes. Everyone was happy except me, since I now remembered why I was depressed. I had lost the GPF and that implied that the rings Victor and I used as engagement rings, were invalid, he even left me to train Yurio after how bad I messed up my presentation. Since he knew I lost, he took off the ring, all the promises and happy times and only I was left wearing a ring. Only I was naïve enough to believe he would come back after a day.
I was brave enough to smile.
-I'm really ok. And yes Phichit, I remember all you did in the past so no more blackmailing me! - He laughed and declared me sane enough to hold a conversation.