Author's Note: What, exactly, was the grand, thrilling plan that was planned in the episode Shindig? This is my take on what could have happened, if Mal and Inara hadn't come straight back to Serenity after the duel.
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"Doc is the distraction." Jayne whispered, pouring tea as an excuse to bend down near to Zoe. "We're ready to move on your signal."
Zoe simply nodded in a little in acknowledgment and took the tea from Jayne, who wandered over-casually towards Simon- and incidentally, Badger.
"Jayne, you leave the doctor alone, now." Zoe ordered loudly, emphasizing the word 'alone'. "We still need him in one piece."
Simon whirled around dramatically, bristling like a doused cat. Badger looked on with interest as Jayne sneered and poked Simon in the chest.
"I don't care how much Mal says we need a medic, you ain't a part of this crew." Jayne snapped and poked Simon again.
"I'm not entirely sure that I want to be." Simon retorted, stepping away from Jayne with a look of deepest distaste. Coincidentally, he ended up standing nearly next to Badger, who was smiling in a superior way as though watching two dogs tear each other apart.
"And what's that s'posed to mean, huh?" Jayne crowded Simon again, and again Simon gave ground.
"Jayne-" Kaylee stood and moved forward; she found herself looking down the barrel of a gun again when Badger motioned to one of his crew.
"No, go on, let 'em fight. Some entertainment would be nice." Badger backed away to allow more room and waved his hat in an imperious gesture to begin. Zoe slipped away, unnoticed, as all of Badger's crew were watching the fight.
Simon and Jayne eyed each other warily. "You expect me to fight him?" Simon asked with appalled hauteur. "I live by my wits, not by my fists."
"Hell, I'll do all the fightin' for both of us." Jayne offered gleefully. "I'll even keep one hand behind my back." He tucked the fingers of his left hand under his belt and turned around so Simon could see. Zoe handed one of the hypos she had taken from the infirmary to Book and the two began ranging around inconspicuously, doping Badger's posse.
Simon didn't even respond to Jayne's display and turned his back on him to walk away. That seemed to decide the mercenary- with a roar he charged and slammed his shoulder into Simon's back. The doctor went flying and landed with a thud on the deck plating. He climbed quickly back to his feet and started for Jayne, looking fairly murderous.
"Well, now, looks like you can get riled up! I was startin' to wonder." Jayne taunted unimaginatively. Simon ignored his words but kept a close eye on his movements. The second the mercenary was off balance, Simon struck with a punch to his chest.
Jayne hardly even noticed. "Is that all you got, doc? I was all ready for a fight, too." He muttered, sounding oddly disappointed.
Simon sighed, shut his eyes, and hit Jayne as hard as he could instead of pulling the punch like he had before. Jayne grunted and stumbled back a few steps, his eyes going wide. Badger grinned and laughed at the spectacle. "That's the way, kid, you show 'im!"
Jayne charged again and Simon stepped aside like a matador fighting a bull. Badger's eyes widened and he tried to scramble out of the way, but Jayne was too quick and the little crook was mowed down and trampled.
"We outsmarted you good and proper, you puddle of piss, so you just sit tight and keep quiet and we'll figure out what to do next." Jayne addressed Badger, who was looking fairly unhealthy. Anyone who had Jayne trample on them would probably feel the same way. Badger whimpered and looked around, only to see his crew all flopped on the floor and Book and Zoe holding the hypos.
"The hell'd you hit me for, doc?" Jayne whined, rubbing his chest and planting his boot on Badger's.
"You weren't in the right position and wouldn't move." Simon sighed. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."
Jayne looked offended and stood up straighter. He also stopped rubbing his chest. "I didn't even feel it, wimpy punch like that."
Simon rolled his eyes and began checking that Badger's people were throughly unconscious but in no danger of respiratory collapse. Jayne relieved Badger of his gun and stuck it into his own pocket before digging some rope out of a nearby storage locker and tying him up.
"So now we need to find the Captain and-" Book started, but was interrupted by another voice.
"Did y'all throw a party of your own while I was out? I don't much mind but you get to clean up the mess." Mal grinned at his crew, even though he was leaning heavily on Inara as they walked up the slight incline into the cargo bay.
"You're hurt?" Simon asked, leaving off his inspection of the riffraff that had been drugged and walking towards Mal.
"Yeah, but I already got patched up. I stopped on the way- our new business partner insisted."
"Business partner?" Wash piped up.
"Business partner." Mal confirmed. "So when I said clean up, I meant sooner rather than later, dong ma?"
Simon and Jayne shot identical resentful glances at the captain and each seized one of the doped men by the ankles. Wash laughed- they finally did agree on something!- and grabbed one too, as did Zoe.
"Nice to see you again, Badger. Jayne, when you have a moment will you be so good as to escort Mr. Badger off my ship?" Mal politely (and slightly) bowed in Badger's general direction. The crook was in no position to answer, though, as he'd been well bound and gagged.
"Sure, Mal, I'd be glad to." Jayne wore a crooked smile that promised he would enjoy the escort duty, even if Badger didn't. Simon snorted and tossed the man he'd been dragging overboard.
The next time Serenity stopped, he'd have to stock up on the depleted drug supply. If situations like the one he'd had so far were the norm for this ship, he could never have too many tranquilizers.