Title: The Drawer
Summary: While clearing out his old desk, newly promoted General Jack O'Neill considers resigning
Genre: Romance, Angst
Pairing: Sam/Jack, Sam/Pete
Season: Beginning of season 8
Rating: G
Content Warning: None
Spoilers: In the Line of Duty, Fair Game, Divide and Conquer, Window of Opportunity, Entity, Chimera, Lost City part 2, New Order part 2

Author's Note: I started this as a one shot, but came up with another chapter that will continue the story for at least three chapters.

Chapter One: The Drawer

Jack O'Neill sat at his desk surrounded by boxes. Contrary to what he told his second-in-command—former–second-in-command—Samantha Carter, he did know that he had a desk, and an office. His desk was often full of unfinished paperwork which he usually avoided doing until the last minute. Now with his promotion to brigadier general and subsequently becoming "the man," the commander of the base, he would be getting a bigger desk to accommodate the bigger piles of paperwork. Of course being in charge of Stargate Command also meant he would have to buckle down and do his paperwork as it appeared there.

So, he was packing up his old office for the move into his new office, which had belonged to the former commander of the base, now–Lieutenant General George Hammond. Jack had diligently read and signed every last bit of paperwork on his old desk, figuring it would not be a good idea to clutter his new one before he even had a chance to sit at it clean. He had emptied every drawer in his desk, but the very bottom drawer.

This drawer had a lock on it. Producing the key, Jack opened it. The first thing that caught his attention was a picture frame lying face down inside. Picking it up almost reverently, Jack turned it over. It was a picture of Sam—she was not Captain, Major, or Lieutenant Colonel Carter in this picture—just Sam. She was smiling brilliantly at the person taking the picture. It was a smile that always touched a deep place in Jack's heart—a smile she bestowed on him alone. He took that picture at a team barbecue at his house. He couldn't remember exactly what it was he had said to her, but she had flashed that beautiful smile at him and he had caught it on film.

He stumbled across the photo when looking through the pictures he had developed and couldn't take his eyes off it. So, he had it framed and, one day when he was feeling particularly down, he brought it with him to the base. Knowing that it would not due for him to have a picture of his lovely second-in-command on his desk, he hid it away in the locked drawer where no one but him could find it.

He was distracted from his study of the photo by the only other object in his drawer. Putting the picture into the nearest box, he picked up the lone piece of paper lying in the bottom. It was a letter of resignation. Jack had written it while Sam was recovering in the infirmary after Jolinar—the Tok'ra that had possessed her—died, almost taking Sam with it. He had almost lost her and that was the first time he thought about resigning so that he could pursue a romantic relationship with her. He had finished the letter, but could not bring himself to sign it. He started to think about the fight against the Goa'uld, how he couldn't give up on it and SG-1, how he wasn't even sure if Sam felt the same way…

So, he had stuffed it into his drawer and it stayed there until the Zatarc incident. Having been accused of being brainwashed assassins, Jack and Sam had been forced to confess their feelings for each other.

"Sir…None of this has to leave this room."

"We're okay with that?"

"Yes, sir."

Jack hadn't wanted to leave it in that room, but he respected her wishes, knowing it was probably for the best. His resignation letter had come out then and he spent a few hours again debating whether or not to sign it. It came out quite a few times in the course of the week following the time loop he had been stuck in. He had even signed it during the loop.

"You're resigning? What for?"

"So I can do…this."

Jack smiled at the thought of that mind-blowing kiss he had shared with Sam. The memory, as always, was bittersweet because she could never remember it. Jack had been haunted by that kiss and it kept bringing him back to his resignation letter.

It stayed in his drawer for almost a year, until Sam was possessed by the entity. He had been forced to shoot Sam twice with a Zat, killing her. A shudder ran up and down his spine as he remembered the pain of watching her fall, knowing that he had killed her and that she was gone. She had come back though. They found her consciousness in the computer the entity had built for itself. That had been the hardest decision of his life—to fire that second shot—the second being the decision not to sign his resignation. He agonized for three long weeks; always convincing himself to leave it blank right before his pen hit the paper.

Jack could remember a couple more times he almost signed it, including right before and right after accepting this new job. It was crinkled and torn from the amount of times he sat in his office and fingered that piece of paper. His sense of duty—and his fear of being hurt again—always outweighed his desire for a life with Sam. He wouldn't admit it out loud or even to himself, but he was afraid of being rejected by her. He was afraid of getting close to her and then losing her. He didn't know if he would ever be able to sign his resignation letter. If he did, he hoped he wouldn't regret it. He hoped that Sam wouldn't regret it.

Jack read it over. His right hand moving of its own accord to a pen on his desk. He didn't really want this position. He had grave doubts that he would be able to command this facility. He could resign, declare his undying love for Sam, and they could live happily ever after…

Jack knew it wouldn't happen like that. Sam probably didn't return his feelings. After all, he was just some dumb, old, cynical, smart aleck, Air Force general and she was…

He could not even begin to describe Samantha Carter; soldier, scientist, natural resource if not national treasure—He certainly considered her a treasure. Blue eyes, blonde hair, 5'9", with a brain that was probably twice the size of his; it was ten times as intelligent. She made his world go round.

Then there was Pete Shanahan. Jack didn't even want to begin thinking about the cop from Denver who was stealing his colonel affections. Maybe Jack had never even had them.

Jack sighed, his groping hand closing into a fist just short of his pen. Even if Shanahan was out of the picture and Jack was assured of Sam's feelings, Jack could not abandon the SGC. He could not turn his back on his team—they would always be his team, even if he was not officially one of them anymore. He crumpled the letter up and tossed it into the wastebasket beside his desk. He would not need it anymore. He closed up the box he had been packing and piled it with the other boxes.

That was it. His office was empty. He had never been particularly fond of his office, but looking at it now he felt a deep ache in his heart. Jack realized it had nothing to do with the office. It was because, once again, he had given up a chance at happiness. Once again, he had left his resignation letter unsigned. He only hoped that someday Earth would be grateful for his sacrifice.

Jack straightened his shoulders and called to the young sergeant waiting to help him move into his new office, turning his back on the letter.

Author's Note: Next chapter, what happens when Sam finds Jack's resignation letter? Please read and review.