Hi, prin here. Okay, so I haven't updated in forever, and I promised someone I would and then I still didn't and I'm really sorry about that. But I have really good excuses. My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital, and no one will tell me what's wrong making me think that it's really serious and no one wants to worry me. I also had a series of breakdowns, which were really not a lot of fun. And now I'm just settling and getting my creative groove back. So while I work on my stories I have a bunch of one-shots that keep coming to me. And I'll try to get my stories working again soon, just so hard to start after so long.
Disclaimer: I do not own Andromeda
Supposed to be Beka and flash, but can maybe be seen as Rhade and alcohol in certain parts.
And now the end of me blabbering.
AdDiCtIONsAddict. Such a fun word. I mean, where does it even come from? And rehab. Who makes this crap? And don't even get me started on interventions. Everyone sits around and says how much they love you and want you back. Hah! What a load of crap. If they loved you so much why didn't they notice something was wrong sooner? And, and what if this is me? What if I am a weak person with weak habits who needs something to get me by? Coping mechanism. Ok, so mine's a little less then healthy, but it's mine. And I want it. I wont let you take it away from me. I'll die first.
I need it. Can't you see that?
And it's not even really about me. Oh no, don't let all their faces that are filled with hurt and love fool you when they all sit you down and say "you have a problem, we love you, we're here for you, and we want to help." Oh no, it's not about you at all. It's them. It's all them. Divine forbid they have a friend who has problems. So you better either get better real fast or pretend to cause no one wants a friend who's fucked up.
"No one wants to be around sad people". I hate that. What, am I supposed to be happy all the time? Well, then give it back to me. Let me have it. It fills my time, gets me by.
But I'm not addicted. I could always stop. But why would I? What reason do I have to stop? What is left for me? You all obviously don't care. You didn't even notice!
And why do I even want you to?
Where were you when this all started? Not here, that's for sure. You never even noticed me as I slipped. Slipped? Hah! Crashed and burned is more like it. No, you all just walked right on my wreckage. Stomped my flaming pieces into the ground.
And I tried to tell you. I did! But you never noticed. Too wrapped in your own lives, your own problems, and your own selves to nice your "friend" falling deeper and deeper into a dark crevice.
So I keep on going. Becoming less and less everyday.
And you don't notice.
You don't care. Hell, you've seen me do it. Trust when I say I know what I'm doing. I'm safe.
And I am safe.
As long as I don't get me.
As long as I put the dreams at bay.
Hide from myself.
I'm safe.
It'll protect me now. Keep me warm at night.
I hold the bottle close. My friend. Who will never leave me, never judge me, and never try stopping me from slowly killing myself.
It will keep me sane.
And I don't have a problem. As long as I have it, everything will be fine. Just fine.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
But you can't see that can you?
No, course not. You don't understand. Finally realize I've been lying. That I won't stop. It's so easy for those strangers you brought in to "help" to see it. But you all "love" me. I wish they didn't see through my lies. I want you to see through my soul. If I even still have a soul. If I ever really did. And who needs one? I sure as hell don't!
I don't need you!
Any of you! Who wants ya! Fuck, leave me alone. Just leave me alone!
Can't you see I need it? See what you've done to me? I'm begging. I'll get on my knees if I have to. I only have a little left. You'll never find where I hid it. But I need more. I'm out. And what will I do then? When the nightmares start and I can't avoid sleep any longer.
Come to you? Hah.
Last time when I came to you, stayed up lying bullshit through my teeth about how it hurt and I wanted to stop so bad. After you fell asleep I found some of my bottles that you took away hidden. I doubt you'll be so stupid as to let the same thing happen twice.
Stop trying to help me.
I'm not lost, or broken, I don't need to be saved, or your "friendship, or your "love".
I don't want your rehab or reasons. You're trying to hurt me.
Fuck, why can't you see I need it! It's not hurting me! You are! You are! You! You! You!
Just give me a little, I only need a little. Please!
It's all I need, and then I can breathe.
I can't breathe.
Somebody help me I can't breathe.
I cant' breathe.
I cant…
I can't...
I…
I just...
I...
Help...
Somebody help me please...