The Awesome Tour of Awesomeness (Hogwarts)

A/N: I'm using the film/game 5-6 Hogwarts. Deal with it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Part One
Entering to Great Hall

Fred: Hi there! I'm Fred Weasley!

George: I'm George Weasley!

Fred: We know this castle better than anyone –

George: Except for our little sister's boyfriend, Harry Potter –

Fred: His godfather, Sirius Black –

George: His dad, James Potter –

Fred: The best Defense against the Dark Arts teacher we ever had, Remus Lupin –

George: And the last three's little sidekick and traitor, Peter Pettigrew.

Gred and Forge: We will be leading this tour of Hogwarts!

Gates:

Fred: These are the Hogwarts gates.

George: They lead directly into the grounds and into the castle. Shall we continue, George?

Fred: I'd be delighted, Fred.

Hagrid's Hut:

George: This is the gamekeeper's hut.

Fred: Our gamekeeper is a man named Rubeus Hagrid.

George: He's nice enough –

Fred: But you don't want to get on his wrong side –

George: Which includes insulting Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster.

Fred: Yeah, you should see what he did to Igor Karkaroff for spitting at Dumbledore's face.

Stone Circle:

Muggle: Hey, how did Stonehenge get here?

Fred: What's Stonehenge?

Muggle: …

Gred and Forge: …

Muggle: … nevermind.

Fred: This is the Stone Circle!

George: If we keep going on this path, we'll get to the Owlery –

Muggle: Did he just say Owlery?

Squib: Yes, we have pet owls and we use them for mail. Kind of like pigeon post.

Muggle: …

Fred: But we're going into the castle.

Covered Bridge:

George: This is a nice little bridge we have.

Fred: It connects the grounds with the castle.

George: If anyone tries to invade the castle, we'll blow it up.

Fred: Then they'd have to go through the Quidditch Cave –

George: Which is not very convenient with the tower at the end –

Fred: Which goes into the Training Grounds.

Clock Tower Courtyard:

George: This courtyard is where everyone gathers before Hogsmeade trips –

Fred: When our caretaker, Argus Filch, lets everyone out.

Clock Tower:

Muggle: *faints of shock*

Muggle's Muggle Wife: Help! My husband fainted!

George: *laughs, points wand at Muggle* Flipendo! (A/N Yay for non-canon spells!)

Muggle: *is knocked over, wakes up* Th-th-th-th-th-the p-p-p-p-p-portrait m-m-m-m-m-moved!

Fred: Y-y-y-y-y-yes, i-i-i-i-i-it d-d-d-d-d-did.

George: Dashing Cadogan!

Damara Dodderidge: Isn't Sir Cadogan dashing? *opens up*

Muggle's Muggle Wife: …the bloody hell?

Fred: This is a secret passage to the Grand Staircase!

George: But I think we'll get there the normal way.

Hospital Wing Corridor:

Fred: That was our Clock Tower.

George: It shows us the time and rings when it's time for classes.

Fred: Last year, Harry Potter and Dean Thomas sabotaged it so Dolores Umbridge couldn't get to classes.

Old Muggle: The nerve of young people these days…

Hospital Wing Tower:

George: The first spiral staircase we come across!

Fred: I assure you that there are plenty more!

Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife: …

Fourth Floor Corridor:

George: Over here we have a nice little balcony overlooking the Black Lake!

Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife's Wizard Great-Times-Thirteen-Grandfather: The Lake of Sea Demons! Look ye not at it, for 'tis a lake of misfortune! This stone monster hath frighted my friend into the lake! *glares at gargoyle on balcony*

Fred: What?

Old Muggle's Even Older Muggle Wife: Don't mind him, he was born in 1488.

George: Figures.

Grand Staircase:

Fred: This is the Grand Staircase!

George: To get to any adjacent landing –

Fred: Simply stand at the side facing that landing and the right staircase will come!

Entrance Hall:

Fred: *points at statue* This is the Architect of Hogwarts!

George: To the left is the Viaduct Courtyard.

Fred: And to the right is the Great Hall!

Great Hall:

Everyone: *stuffs their faces*

A/N: How was that? Next chapter: Classes!