**Author's note: I'm not really sure about the time frame and all. Let's just say it's the December before Haise ever visited :RE. So, I wrote this under the impression that Touka had a one-sided love for Kaneki. Try to keep her feelings in mind while reading this! It was really difficult to write this and keep Nishiki in character. I think I was successful in that, at least I hope I was. And if you didn't know, a kotatsu is like a heated table. Thank you! Enjoy! ^-^**
"Kaneki!" she cried, running toward him. She couldn't believe that he was there, before her very eyes. She had so much she wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him that she missed him, that she was glad to see that he was even alive. She wanted to apologize for the way she left things. Her arms reached for him as far as they could possibly stretch, but when he was finally within her reach, the dark haired boy that she felt so fondly of disappeared from her very eyes. The Kaneki she adored was no longer before her, only a dangerous SS-rated ghoul, Centipede. He was frightening and ominous, spewing gibberish and consumed by an insatiable hunger. He grinned menacingly and crept closer toward Touka. His intentions were evident: he wanted to consume her. Although his malicious intentions were definite, Touka couldn't force herself to move. This person was still Kaneki. She was afraid –no terrified- but she couldn't force herself turn away from him. He ran toward her with full force and malevolence. Touka closed her eyes and accepted her fate.
"Beep. Beep. Beep."
Touka dejectedly woke from her slumber and shut her alarm off immediately. She lied in bed, with the covers gracefully concealing her messy locks. Her room was engulfed in darkness, as the curtains averted any light from penetrating her chamber of solitude. The air was frigid, and her room empty. It was December, but not just any day of the month. It was December 20th. That was the first time that she had dreamt of him in months. She was wondered what that dream meant.
Lately, she had been doing well keeping him out of her thoughts, but today was his birthday. There was no helping it. It just wasn't something that she could block out or force herself to forget about.
So much had happened since the Anteiku raid. She and Yomo opened :RE. Hinami joined Aogiri. She got herself a new apartment. She mostly spent her days working as the manager. Working days were always busy; there was never really any time for her to think about him.
Today was different. Yomo gave her the day off, though, she wanted to work today most of all; working would help her keep her mind off of him. With nothing to do, she would be compelled to deal with her thoughts.
She forced herself to get up, and she made herself a glass of coffee. The dark and warm delicacy made Touka's stomach rejoice. She hadn't eaten in a few weeks since she had been so busy with work. She pondered what she would do with her day off.
She decided that she would go supplies shopping for :RE.
….
It was cold outside. Touka was dressed in a black long-sleeved shirt, with a long maroon pea coat over it. She wore black jeans and heels, and accessorized with a light grey knitted scarf. She was warm and dressed appropriately for the weather. Touka had to change her wardrobe after the Anteiku raid, leaving every bit of her previous life behind. Her new self was a fashionable, confident woman, who also managed her own coffee shop. Sometimes dressing more fashionably could be a pain, but Touka became really fond of her new attire. She marched in to :RE to see what they needed.
"What are you doing here? It's your day off." Nishiki nagged playfully.
"I am the manager. I'm allowed to be here, even if it is my day off." She shot back sassily with a smirk. She proceeded to the back to find out what roasts she needed to get. To her disappointment, she found that everything was stocked up.
"I stocked up last night." Yomo, who had Loser on resting on his shoulder, called out of nowhere.
"I see. Thanks." Touka replied with a sigh. She dragged herself out to the front of the store and took a seat. "Oi! Shitty Nishiki," she teasingly called to him.
Nishiki knew that she wanted a cup of coffee. He mumbled something under his breath and brought her a cup. "Why don't you go out like a normal person on their day off instead of sitting in the store like a weirdo, Shitty Touka?" he teased.
"What do you suppose I do?" She shot back.
"I don't know. Go back to bed or something." He answered. Touka sullenly drank her coffee and glanced at the books on the back shelf. Nishiki saw the despondency in her eyes; he saw how much she wanted to be busy –how much she wanted anything but being alone today. Nishiki snaked his way to the kitchen and found the cakes that were for their human customers and threw them away. He made his way back to the front of the store and started sweeping by Touka's table. "Well," he coughed, "If you really must do something today, why don't you go buy some more cakes. We're all out. Gotta take care of our human customers too. Shitty Touka."
Touka's eyes glistened. She gulped her coffee and went on her merry way, after thanking Nishiki. Their relationship had become less abrasive over the years. They teased one another consistently, but one could say they considered themselves to be precious nakama. They were similar, in their past and in their desires. They both knew the pain and suffering of loss and knowing the joys of being human, foolishly desiring to continue living their double lives among them.
The streets were packed. She thought that there would be less people since it was a workday, but she thought wrong. The streets were crowded and festive. Touka grinned; shopping like this and being around all of the festivity made her feel human. She wished that she knew what cake tasted like. Humans made it look so delicious. Cake was a delicacy that she would never be able to enjoy.
She continued walking around and wondered into a bakery. It was quite and peaceful compared to the chaos surrounding it. Her eyes glistened at the glass exhibition of meticulously decorated cakes. Some adorned with edible pearls and flowers made of icing. Others were made only of chocolate and more chocolate. Touka usually had Nishiki and Yomo order angel cakes, but she was feeling adventurous and generous today. She decided she would ask an employee for advice on what cake goes well with coffee.
Touka left to find an employee that might be able to help, but a familiar scent stopped her immediately. She stood there frozen. Her heart was racing. She knew this scent. It was unmistakably him. She tried to calm herself down. She debated on whether she should talk to him or not, or if she did, she questioned what she would even say. She played scenarios in her mind over and over.
"Excuse me, are you alright?" An employee questioned in a concerned voice.
"Oh! Yes. Sorry for making you worry." Touka replied, bowing slightly, "I was wondering what cakes would go well with coffee?"
"Ah!" The employee excitedly responded, "What kind of coffee?"
"Well, I am the manager of a coffee shop. Usually, my other employees buy angel cakes, but I wanted to see for myself what people like."
"I see. People at this bakery love chocolate cakes. So, brownies, chocolate cakes, chocolate dipped fruit even. Milk chocolate goes well with any coffee. I also recommend biscotti for espresso drinks and other pastries. I'm not sure what you are wanting though. We serve some coffee here and that's what pastries the customers buy with it."
"Hm." Touka hummed, "Do you have a deal that could place some of these in an assortment package? You know, like an assortment that would be enough for a few days and if they do well, then we will buy more?"
The employee cheerfully made the assortment and rang up the price. It was cheaper than Touka expected; the pastries looked like they would be more expensive. She hoped that her human customers would like them.
"Will you be able to carry all that by yourself?" He asked.
"Ah. Thank you for asking, but it doesn't bother me at all." She smiled. For a ghoul, a few boxes of pastries were as light as a feather. Touka had something else on weighing her down, the heavy thoughts in her mind. She wanted to leave, to walk toward the exit, but that scent tantalized her. She wanted to see him, see if her nose was betraying her.
Nonetheless, she ultimately chose not to dwell in the store and search for him. She figured that if it really were him, he would come to her whenever he was ready. She marched out of the store with her cakes and pastries. Through the glass windows, she could see a man with black and white hair wearing a black button up with a white tie and pinstriped pants. His strange black and white haired head was buried in a book. Beside him was a CCG jacket and a briefcase. She could still smell his faint, sweet scent.
Touka was right. He was alive. She wasn't sure how to feel, how to react. She knew that she felt relieved to some extent. Seeing him alive made her want to shed tears of happiness. She always believed that he was, but somehow there was always the tiniest sliver of doubt in her heart. Now, her heart could take a break from constantly being put on edge; her heart could rest for a while.
She returned to :RE with all of the pastries and placed them in the glass display. Though she was relieved, her thoughts were still wandering. Meanwhile, Nishiki was serving coffee to regular ghoul customers.
"What is all that?" Nishiki asked, grimacing at the pastries.
"It's an assortment of pastries for our customers. I wasn't exactly sure what to buy."
"Tsk. I should have gone. We always buy the angel cakes. Now you've complicated everything."
"I guess so." She responded feebly. She didn't feel like arguing back and playfully insulting Nishiki right now. He stared at her and thought to himself that something was off.
"Well, thanks for getting the cakes. You can go home now."
Touka ignored his plea and manned the pastry display. She leaned over the glass and looked at how delicious they all looked. But no matter how delicious they looked, she remembered that they would never taste that way for her. She frowned and sighed,
"Oi Nishiki," She called weakly. She contemplated telling him about Kaneki being alive.
"What is it? I'm trying to work here. I have to be here unlike someone." He answered.
"I'll have another cup of coffee and I'll take my leave." She replied. He's right. He's working right now. It isn't the time to tell him.
It was late and Touka had finally returned home. She didn't go home as soon as she left :RE. She went to the zoo, hoping that she would get lucky and catch a glimpse of Yoriko and her new life; however, her efforts failed her. As a result, she just spent the day alone walking around the zoo. She even went to the petting zoo area where she silently adored all of the rabbits. There was one rabbit that was alone; she gave that rabbit the most of her attention, for she feared that it would die of loneliness –as Hide once said. That rabbit reminded her of herself a little.
Seeing him today made her feel emotionally unstable. She was usually fine; she never had to think about how she felt. That's how she dealt with things: by pushing them to the side until there was no more room for her to think about them. She would just suppress it and bury herself into something else.
He was a reminder of the past, the past that she cared deeply about. She hated feeling like this. The past wasn't something she could try to fight. It already happened. It's better to accept it and dismiss it rather than struggle with it.
She did miss Kaneki, but she also missed her life and how easy Yorshimora had made it. She missed Yoriko and eating her disgusting human food. She missed being in school and learning so many new things. She missed Hinami and Ayato. She missed Yoshimora and her father. So many things, everything she loved has always been taken away from her.
Touka could feel it, the rising pressure in her chest. She was on the verge of having a breakdown. She began having difficulties even swallowing her own saliva, as her throat tightened and constricted. She felt the stinging in her eyes. She didn't have any family. Her home was taken from her, and she was forced to re-establish a new one. Though she was extremely thankful and grateful to Yomo and Nishiki for their help, she felt isolated, desolate even whenever she was alone. She's never had anyone to talk to about these things. Consequently, she did what she normally would do.
She turned on her music player and put in her headphones. She blasted "Moment A Rhythm" by 禀としてし時雨 and crawled under her kotatsu to keep warm because she couldn't even make it to her bedroom. There she was, crying pathetically alone in her living room underneath a kotatsu. She shut her eyes as tears escaped. She recalled pastimes of the Anteiku days. Making a bento for Yoriko with Hinami and Kaneki, taking Hinami to the library, and her thoughts went on to remember teasing Ayato when they were younger, how her father taught her to be strong.
One by one, those happy memories were just that: memories. Were they really memories if she had no one to share them with? Did the tree really fall if no one is around to hear it?
She created :RE for Kaneki and to also carry out Yoshimora's dream, but what about her own dreams, dreams of going to school and studying biology to learn more about the differences between humans and ghouls, dreams of becoming a teacher one day. She had abandoned her selfishness behind her to carry out this dream, this safe haven for ghouls. Touka's soft weeping had progressed into full out whaling as the song and her thoughts continued on; her shirtsleeve was soaked from collecting her tears. She opened her eyes and to her astonishment saw that her door was open. She glanced up and found Nishiki standing above her with a pained look. Her headphones were still blasting the same song and all she could see was Nishiki's mouth moving without sound. She was surprised to see him, and as a result, hid her face and tried to stop crying. She was embarrassed to be seen like this during a moment of weakness.
He crouched down in front of her and placed a can of black coffee in front of her. Then, he sat against her wall silently.
"What are you doing here?" Touka asked, taking out her headphones and wiping her face.
"Yomo asked me to check on you and bring you this." He answered, pulling out a package: food. He slid it across the floor in her direction. Nishiki was lying. He knew that something was going on with her. He wasn't sure why, but he felt obligated to try to cheer her up. Touka sat up and held the package close to her. They sat in silence for a few more moments before Nishiki stood up and started for the door, "Stop crying over the past. It's pathetic. The only things you can do are to make the best of the present and not interfere with the lives of others. "
"What do you know? You don't know what's going on with me, so stop acting like you do." She protested coldly.
"I may not know for sure what's going on, but I can tell when something's bothering the manager. It's his birthday. Right?" he retorted. Touka was silent for a few minutes. She thought that she might as well tell Nishiki the news from earlier.
"I…. I saw him today." She whispered, hugging her knees to her chest.
He stopped and turned to look at her. She was leaning against her kotatsu and hugging her knees close. Nishiki shut the door and sat down in front of her.
"He survived?" He asked quietly.
"It seems so," She continued, "I knew today would be difficult since he was on my mind, but I didn't expect to see him. I wasn't prepared. All this time I've been wanting to see him, wishing everyday to see his face to know for sure if he survived, and finally, finally when I have come to terms with myself, when I finally convinced myself to just give it time, that guy shows up out of nowhere. Him and his stupid hair and stupid books and stupid CCG coat." Her voice was uneasy and wavered; she started punching the floor, "Why? Why now. Why!"
"So what?" He muttered nonchalantly, as he lied on the ground with his arms behind his head.
"What do you mean?" she asked, perplexed by the very question.
"What about it? So what if you saw him. What's the big deal?"
"I have so many questions. What happened that night? Why is he working for the CCG? Does he remember us? I –I'm so relieved to see that he's alive, but I have so many things I want to tell him, things I want to apologize for…" She answered softly, gripping her phone and rabbit key chain close.
"What are you going to do then?"
"There's nothing I can do." She retorted sassily, "If he joined because he had no choice, then approaching him would only put him in danger. Even if he joined voluntarily, he joined for a reason. I can't risk his life for something so selfish. He's probably happier this way, living amongst humans… If he came back on his own, I'm here for him, but otherwise, it's not my place to interfere. …Like you said, the only things I can do are to make the best of the present and not interfere with the lives of others. It just really sucks, that's all."
"You … you really have changed. Are you even the same person?" He chuckled, flashing a grin her direction.
"Shut up. I've done a lot of growing up. Misfortune can do that sometimes." She mumbled, her face turning a slight shade of red.
"The old you would've went to talk to him and been like 'Oi! You idiot don't ignore me!' or maybe you would've tried to beat him up like an idiot." Nishiki continued. He was genuinely smiling and reminiscing about the dumb things Touka would have done in the past. She also laughed with him because it was the truth. She would've have done something reckless. A change in circumstance can really broaden someone's horizons.
"Thank you." She murmured with a faint smile. It had been awhile since she could laugh from the bottom of her heart again.
"For what? I only came because Yomo asked me too." He objected, trying to maintain his pride and cool guy image.
"Yeah, but you stayed with me and even cheered me up. I'm sure Yomo didn't ask you to do that… It's nice to reminisce with someone. It helps remind me that my memories really did happen and that they weren't some delusion."
"Of course they really happened. Stop trying to be philosophical and what not. Being lonely to the point of doubting your own memories doesn't sound healthy. You need to stop keeping everything in. I'll listen whenever you wanna talk. We can't have a mentally unstable manager, you know."
Touka smiled and chuckled, "You've changed a lot too, Nishiki."
"Like you said, misfortune can really change you…" he murmured, sitting up with a weak smile. Nishiki's eyes became desolate, and he clenched his fist. Although he didn't say, Touka understood that this was probably about Kimi. He had to leave her the night of the raid. She was curious about Kimi's situation, but from Nishiki's expression, she could tell that it probably wasn't good. Touka deserted her kotatsu and sat behind Nishiki, resting her back against his. She figured he wouldn't want to talk if he had to face her.
"I'll listen whenever you want to talk. From the look of your expression, it looks like you've been holding things in as well."
"Kimi… she went looking for me after I left her. That girl really loved me. She kept throwing herself into harm's way, into ghoul territory, looking for me." He muttered, his voice trembled and grew more unsettling. Touka was taken aback; she didn't expect Nishiki to actually open up to her; regardless, she was ready to listen and support him.
"He must really have a lot weighing on his mind." She thought silently.
"Well, she found me and we met up once, on the outskirts of town. This continued for a few weeks, except one day, she didn't come back. Now, this was very unlike Kimi. She didn't call or anything. So, I went to investigate myself. I went to her place and asked questions, but no one had seen her since she the last night she left to see me. I began to worry. I started asking other ghouls if they had seen her around; I was desperate to find her. Then, I started hearing about a ghoul that had a thing for girls with scars… Long story short, that ghoul was a cab driver. Kimi… she… just had to take his cab."
Nishiki's voice was shaking and Touka could feel his body trembling through her back. She could hear it; his fight to battle the flood of tears that were dying to escape his eyes. This story had been kept only to himself for who knew how long, at least a year.
"If I would have never interfered, like I had planned, then she…" He interjected, his voice breaking from choking back cries. Touka had no idea that he was going through such a heartrending loss. How would she? She had been absorbed in herself and in her enthrallment with Kaneki. She felt guilt-ridden for telling Nishiki that he didn't know what was going on with her. He knew exactly how she was feeling, probably even worse.
She knew loss, and she detested it. She didn't wish it, losing a loved one, on anyone. She, even with that bastard CCG investigator, felt guilty after killing him once she saw that he had a family. Touka sympathized with Nishiki all too well. The pain he was feeling was all too familiar.
She turned around, facing his back, and embraced him tightly in her arms. This way, she still didn't have to see his tearful, weeping face. She didn't know what else to do. She wished someone had embraced her like this whenever she was coping over her father's death. He was crying like someone who hadn't cried in years. She could feel his chest convulsing as he gasped for air while he was trying to catch his breath. Touka's heart was aching, seeing Nishiki this hysterical was unreal. She continued to embrace him until his sobs gradually diminished. Touka got up and made two fresh cups of coffee while he composed himself.
"Here," She said, placing the cup into his hands. She continued to sit behind him, returning to her initial pose: back-to-back. "Did you track him down?"
"I'm still working on it. I'll get that bastard eventually."
"We can ask Uta to make you a mask. You can track him down more effectively if no one knows your face."
"What happened to 'I've done a lot of growing up'?" He mocked quiety.
"I've still got a little more growing up to do when it comes to revenge." She replied with a smirk.
They both sat in silence, back-to-back, while soft sips and slurps filled the room. Because of this night, their bond was closer than ever. They had become closer to each other than they had been with anyone for a long time.
"What were you listening to earlier when you were having your freak out?"
"I would appreciate it if you didn't call it a freak out. I was listening to 'Moment A Rhythm' by 凛として時雨."
"Never heard of that band."
"Prepare yourself! You are about to listen to them." Touka demanded, searching for her music player and headphones. She sat with her legs underneath her kotatsu again because she was getting cold and motioned for Nishiki to sit next to her.
"Can't you just play it without headphones?"
"Nope. My music player is a little old and outdated, so it doesn't have built in speakers. You have to use headphones to listen." She answered, scrolling through her playlist. Nishiki sighed and took a seat next to her. She handed him one ear bud, while she kept the other. He went to put it in his ear, but it yanked the other from Touka's ear.
"You're headphones are too short." He nagged.
"No. You're sitting to far away. Get closer." She suggested. Touka was a little nervous, even though it was only Nishiki, she couldn't control the fluttery feeling in her stomach.
"Fine," He groaned. He felt peculiar, being this comfortable around Touka. It was almost as if he forgot it was really her at times.
Touka played the same song that she listened to earlier. Nishiki listened intently, and he wasn't exactly sure why, but he enjoyed the song. The singer's voice was so soothing, and the background music was sedative. He enjoyed it for its melancholy and tranquility. Together, they just relaxed, not thinking about the past or the future. They worried not of the past or future, they only enjoyed this enigmatically blissful moment.
He and Touka sat together, silently listening to the same song on repeat under the kotatsu. Both asleep, their heads rested on one another's. The two were still bound by their unrequited love for those in their past; however, they no longer had the same feelings for each other. One might say that they had become much more than friends but still less than lovers.