Show: Glee
Character/s involved: Kurt Hummel, Dave Karofsky
Pairing/s Involved: One-sided Kurtofsky & (establised) Klaine
Title: Only for this moment, only for Kurt
Rating: K+
Genre: Hurt/Comfort & Friendship
Summary: "I want you to be with me. I want to face my new life with you. I want to hold your hand as we walk down the hall. I want to hold you and kiss you and… love you." One-sided Kurtofsky. Also, I wrote this before season 3 aired.
Author's Notes: Not really my first work but it's the first one I finished and published. I wrote this before the third season aired, so just keep that in mind while reading. Also, I'm not really a Kurtofsky fan and I don't know if I did Dave's character justice. Constructive criticisms are always welcomed. Hope you enjoy!
"I want to be with you" Dave breathes between them. The air surrounding them turns heavy, almost suffocating. Dave mentally slaps himself for his impulsiveness; he should really think things through before opening his mouth. He never really learned the essence of good timing. He watches the man before him, his smile drops and his glasz eyes widen, as the words that left Dave's lips sink in. Time seems to stretch on for eternity as they settle in deafening silence. Dave allows himself to be vulnerable, only for this moment, only for Kurt.
He wonders how they got to this point. They're relationship has always been rocky. Dave slamming Kurt onto lockers and Kurt having to switch schools because of him. He regrets it. It shouldn't have gotten to that point. But it's in the past now and he couldn't change the past. Kurt returns though and Dave observes that when Kurt walks down the halls – the halls that used to scare him – he owns it, that Kurt is not the same small fragile boy that used to tremble in his presence. He apologizes and he means it. Kurt understands and Dave is taken aback but grateful. And when Kurt tries to reach out to him, he closes in on himself because he feels that he doesn't deserve it – he doesn't deserve Kurt's empathy. That didn't stop Kurt; Dave doesn't know why he's so determined though. Dave reckons he's just that big of a person. Eventually, Dave gives in; he lets Kurt introduce him to a world of rainbows and acceptance, and as he looks back, it's the best and worst decision of his life. They become acquaintances, no more than friends of some sort.
"Dave – I – I – this –" Kurt stutters, unable to find this right words to express himself. He lets out a deep breath, calming himself. He doesn't want to do this, to break a heart. He doesn't know if he can. He could feel Dave's unusually soft eyes bore right through him. The gaze is hazed with anticipation, worry and fear – the fear of rejection.
Kurt stands before him, uncomfortable, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Kurt avoids his heavy gaze, taking his time to respond. Forming carefully constructed sentences in his mind before he lets the words pass through his lips; a quality Dave envies. Kurt's thoughts and memories flash pass him. Then his brow furrows, confusion evident on his features. "I thought you're not ready to let people know yet. At least, that's what you told me the last time you're sexuality was brought up."
Dave lets out a deep breath, exasperated. He knows that Kurt's stalling. Kurt isn't aware though that beating around the bush makes the pain more unbearable when he finally gives the obvious answer. Prolonging the tension is never a good move but Dave goes with it, only for this moment, only for Kurt.
He knows what Kurt is saying. He's aware that being with him, or a guy in general, would equate to coming out. He'd be a target of ridicule and hate. And that's what he has been avoiding; he cannot cope with that with positivity. That's why he chose the easy way out. He became the one he feared because, in his screwed logic, it's better to be feared than being afraid. Coming out would result to the things that he fears to happen. But somehow, he could endure all the consequences of coming out when Kurt's by his side. When Kurt's hand is in his, keeping him sane and secure, shielding him from all of the world's hate. So he takes both of Kurt's hands in his, taking the strength and security the touch provides. He notices Kurt flinch automatically. They never really initiated physical contact throughout their time together. Dave ignores Kurt's reaction but it saddens him to know that it's Kurt's initial response to his advances. He shakes off the negativity in his thoughts and focuses on the matter at hand.
Dave chooses the honest route and expressed what he has kept pent up for much too long. "I remember. But Kurt –" he closes his eyes momentarily before settling them on the glasz ones of Kurt's, willing (for) him to hear him out. "Kurt, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the consequences. I've seen what I've done to you; I'm not oblivious to it. I've also seen you get up gracefully every time I push you down. And you're just so brave to come back to public school, knowing full well that douchebags roam the halls freely and can attack at any moment. And Kurt, you must know how sincerely sorry I am for all that I've done to you."
Kurt cuts him off "Dave, you know full well that I've forgiven –"
Dave interrupts him "Yeah, I know. It's not that. It's just… what if I can't?" Seeing the confused expression that has appeared on Kurt's face, he added, "What if I can't face the consequences? I'm not as strong as you are."
Kurt's features softened. "Dave, I –"
"Kurt, listen. The time you let me in; the time you allowed me to be your friend. Being with you... you make me feel special, like I'm worth something. No one has ever made me feel that way. You gave me courage, Kurt."
Kurt's heart aches for Dave. He can't believe that he has placed himself in this position. What has he gotten himself into?
Courage
The word stays with him. He remembers marble floors and high ceilings. He remembers blazers and coffee. He remembers hazel eyes filled with genuine concern, trust and honesty. He remembers the man who gave him courage; the man he loves and who loves him in return. He keeps the word in mind, reminding him who his heart belongs to.
Tears stream from his eyes as he continues to listen to Dave. "You understand me and you've made me understand my situation and myself. Because of you, I've accepted that this is who I am. And when I'm out, I want you to be with me. I want to face my new life with you. I want to hold your hand as we walk down the hall. I want to hold you and kiss you and… love you."
Dave didn't realize that he has been crying until he has tasted the salty liquid when it passes his lips. He looks down, breaking eye contact. He doesn't want Kurt to see him in such a broken state. He doesn't make the effort to wipe it though; there's no use. So he lets the tears fall freely down his cheeks, only for this moment, only for Kurt.
Kurt's equally broken though. He couldn't do this.
Courage
"Dave" he says softly. Dave's head tilts upwards just a tiny bit. His eyes remain downcast, choosing to focus on the gray tiles beneath their feet. Kurt gently squeezes his hands, willing to get his attention.
"David, look at me." Dave's eyes slowly travel upward to meet Kurt's earnest gaze. Dave's eyes are dark and weary. They seem tired and abused. Kurt sees the intensity of emotion ghosting behind the boy's dark orbs. Suddenly, his task becomes a hundred times more difficult than it already is. He retains the eye contact.
Courage
"You are an amazing person, Dave. Okay? You should know that." Dave lets out an unsteady breath. He knows where this is going and he doesn't know if he wants to hear it. "You have as much courage as I have. Remember the time you apologized to me?" Dave's tears are steadily running down his cheeks, leaving behind a wet trail. He nods. "That took a lot of courage, don't you think? Owning up to your mistakes."
"But I got that courage from you. You gave me that courage." Dave counters.
Kurt shakes his head. "No. I believe you only saw me be courageous. I didn't actually give it to you. One cannot give a person courage. I only encourage you to be courageous. You're the one who found the courage that I've always known is inside of you."
"I couldn't do this by myself. I know I can't" Dave sounds lost and scared. Alone.
"Who says you have to?" Dave searches Kurt face, willing for him to elaborate, as confusion takes over his features. Hope is evident in his eyes. "David, I'll still be here. I can't be everything you envision me to be – everything you want me to be. But I can assure you that I'll still be your friend."
Dave's eyes return to the tiled floor. He's shadowing his face, hiding his despondent expression in vain. He releases his grasp on Kurt's hands. "I know it's because of Blaine." The silence returns between them. Dave scolds himself for blurting that out. Among all the things he could've said, his mind has chosen that. But he keeps his shadowed expression neutral.
Finally, Kurt's voice can be heard above the silence, calm and steady "David, right now, you don't need a boyfriend. You need a friend. Someone who understands and accepts you. Someone who is honest and trustworthy. Someone who you can talk to without fear of judgment. All of these, without the added commitment. David, I'd be happy to be that someone for you."
"You don't have to do this." Dave starts. Honestly, he doesn't know if he could still be around Kurt after this.
But before he could completely ponder on it, Kurt gently responds, "I know. I want to." Dave couldn't think as Kurt steps forward to capture him in a hug. It is the first time Kurt initiated physical contact and Dave could feel the tears come back at full force. The world around him slips away and the only thing he could feel is Kurt against him. Dave holds on, afraid that if he lets go, he'll wake up and realize that it's all too good to be his reality, and Kurt would be gone. He sobs and soaks Kurt's sleeve in the process. But Kurt doesn't mind because right now, he's more important than his new coat from Marc Jacob's new fall collection.
"I'm sorry." Dave hears Kurt's earnest voice next to his ear. His breath tickles his earlobe causing it to redden, if it isn't already. Deep inside him, he knows that Kurt couldn't be what he wants him to be. He could just be a friend and nothing more.
"It's alright. I just want you to know." They let go of each other. Dave feels lighter, like he's floating on air. A heavy weight has been lifted from his chest. He smiles at Kurt, a small smile but a smile, nonetheless. Kurt smiles back.
Dave continues in a playful tone, assuring him that he'll be alright but he puts in a serious undertone to let him know that he's being earnest, "But if he ever breaks your heart, always know that I'm here, whenever you need me."
"Thank you." Kurt responds sincerely. His mind drifts off to Blaine and he adds before he can stop himself, "But I don't think you need to worry about that."
And somehow, Dave feels a slight pang in his chest when he heard those words. But then he sees the small smile playing on Kurt's lips as he thinks about Blaine and Dave knows he's happy. Kurt is happy and safe in Blaine's care and that's all he wanted. Dave smiles in spite of himself, only for this moment, only for Kurt.