Author's Note: Well, this is the most serious story/one-shot I've ever written. With that said, I know I should be working on "Jump Into the Fire" and I promised myself I wouldn't write this until I was done with that…but I couldn't resist.
I came up with this when I was trying to distract myself from a killer headache the other night. Well, I came up with the beginning…The next night, bored and unable to sleep, I thought about what would happen next in the story from where I left off the night before, and came up with all the depressing stuff you will read. Two of L's mini speeches and Light's realization I came up with that night and had to write down. While I was writing them down, I was listening to the song "All that I'm Living For" by Evanescence, which is an awesome song, and thought it fit. When I was almost done writing down the plot I had come up with, "We are Broken" started playing. I had seen several fanart pieces of the Wammy's House boys w/ this as the title and thought it fit. Another option for the title would be "The Last Night" but thought that that was too Light-centric and wanted it to have meaning for all the characters.
So, now with all that said, my notes are at the bottom, for I don't want to give anything away!
Warning: Physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and self-mutilation are shown. Shit, that's a big spoiler, but what the hell, I had to give that. Also, sexual content is given, though there are no lemons.
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or "We Are Broken" by Paramore.
((Italics are a flashback btw and ~*~ means a jump in time))
We Are Broken
"For the last time, where are we going?" I pestered Mello, who was currently sitting next to me. Matt was in the backseat, giggling lightly to himself at the thought of what I had to do. You see, Mello and Matt, who were—in my opinion—drunk, had forced me into a game of truth or dare. They wouldn't tell me my dare until we arrived at our destination. Oh, and they think they're only "slightly buzzed." Whatever, I was driving, and I was completely sober, no ounce of alcohol in me. I would never drink.
Anyway, we were currently driving through the downtown area of our city, not too far away from my house, but still, it was a long drive if you were the only one with a head on your shoulders. My best—and only—friends were so annoying sometimes. They were constantly at my place because my parents were always gone. During the day, we would goof off and play video games or talk or do something. If it was at night, they were somehow obtain beer, wine, or something else illegal for our age—we're all eighteen—and get "slightly buzzed" and something would go wrong…or they would just go up to my room for some…alone time. I had extra sheets I washed constantly for when they came over. And I would sleep on the mattress I had brought downstairs a while ago for such occasions. So annoying.
Mello snickered along with his boyfriend and said through his laughs, "I'll tell you when we get the—STOP!" I slammed on the breaks in front of a small coffee shop. Giving Mello a "look" he snickered some more and Matt just burst out laughing. I sighed and parked in one of the many empty spaces—it was pretty late at night. They got out and I sighed once more before following their lead.
Matt turned to me, wobbled slightly, and grabbed onto the other for support before smiling and saying, "Your dare…is to go in there…find a guy sitting all by himself and somehow get him to come home with you. End of story. That's it."
"What the hell?!" I yelled at them. They both laughed and entered the coffee shop, walking to a booth and sitting down across from each other and putting their heads together to stare deep into the other's eyes. Weirdoes. I tried to follow but they gave me dirty looks and motioned for me to go away. Sometimes I hated them so much. But without them, I would be a lonely teenage guy without anything to do. I was in-between girlfriends at the moment and it was summer break. I honestly didn't care about college. I got in where I wanted to go, and I would go there in the fall. Right now, I was just bored out of my wits. And so were Matt and Mello.
I looked around the small, dark room innocently. I didn't want to look like I was a crazy person and I didn't want to gather any attention. Luckily, the only people in the place were couples like my friends or two people talking late at night together. Well, there was one man sitting alone. He was just sipping at a latte and eating a brownie. He was sitting all hunched over too. He looked sad. And he would be even sadder because I was about to sit across from him.
I pulled the seat out and smiled sweetly at the dark-haired man, asking, "May I sit here?"
He didn't look too much older than me, but his eyes were dark and filled with wisdom and age…and a bit of hurt it looked like. His voice held an odd monotone as he nodded his head and said, "If you wish." He then went back to his food. Well, he was very interesting.
After a few short moments of silence, I, being human and thus unable to handle the silence, tried to start up a conversation. "So…my name's Light. And you are?"
"L," is said simply without looking at me.
That name was a little weird for a guy, don't you think? "Elle?" I questioned, sure he was tricking me.
He looked at me then, saying, "Yes, I know, having a single letter as your name is slightly against the norm, don't you think?" Oh, so his name was L. That still made no sense. Seriously, that was his name? You know what? I didn't question it. This guy was probably a druggie or something. He needed an alias in case I turned him in most likely. He sure looked like one, what with those bags under his eyes, and the fact that they were just so dilated. Great, I really hated this dare.
He went back to his brownie. You'd think that by now, it would be finished, but it wasn't. For one, it was quite large, and…he was eating very small bites of it really slowly. It was creeping me out to see him eating it like that, staring at the confectionary with longing, yet hate.
I tried to start up another conversation, "Uh…um…" without much luck. "What are you doing at this place so late at night?" I decided to ask. Maybe it was the wrong question, but it was better than nothing.
"I'm here with my boyfriend," he stated simply. HOLY SHIT! This man was gay? And I was sitting with him when he had a boyfriend with him? Fucking shit. I was about to apologize and stand when he continued, "Ah…here he's coming out of the restroom right now."
I turned and saw a white-haired guy about my age walking out of the men's room. He came towards our table and seemed to ignore me completely. He stood in front of L with hands on his hips. "L," he said in a warning voice. "I told you I wanted that brownie gone by the time I came back. Why aren't you done with it? Really, the only things you eat are sweets, and now you're not even eating them? I don't like it when you're this skinny. Finish the brownie. Now." That was sorta…interesting. I mean, the albino-like guy was acting as if…L was anorexic. This just keeps getting better and better. First, the guy looks like a druggie—and probably is—then I find out he's gay and has a boyfriend, but doesn't mind sitting with other men, and now he's anorexic. What's next?
L looked at his boyfriend, and then looked at me with his expressive eyes. How could I tell they now held an apology in them when I had barely known him for five minutes? The strange man then stared at his brownie with some sort of scorn before picking it delicately between his thumb and forefinger and stuffing the whole thing in his mouth. I hadn't noticed before, but his latte was almost gone while the brownie was barely half eaten. Yep, definitely anorexic.
Finally, the other noticed my existence and glared at me. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" he asked rudely. While I was just fascinated and slightly disturbed by L, I already hated this guy.
I sneered and said, "My name's Light. You want to know the real reason why I'm here?" He gave me a look that said, Duh, just get on with it. I did. "See those guys over there?" I nodded my head to my friends, who now seemed to be touching each other under the table. Suppressing a shudder, I continued, "They're my friends, Matt and Mello. They dared me to find someone and sit with them, somehow getting them to come home with me. L was the only person in this damn place sitting alone, so I took a chance."
The two looked at each other for a minute before the white-haired one scoffed and shook his head. L was the one who turned back to me and said politely, "I'm sorry about him. Near's just upset because his mother kicked him out of the house again. We met up to go rent a motel room again, for I really do not wish to go home right now. However, now it seems that we may get some free board tonight, if you could please bring him home as well as me? Two for the price of one for your dare?" He smiled sweetly and I couldn't help but smile back…much to Near's annoyance.
"Sure, why not? I'll get them and meet you outside, okay?" Near just huffed and walked towards the exit. L threw out his garbage and followed the other quietly. They didn't seem like a very good couple. I mean, yeah Near was trying to help L, but the way he worded it seemed…so…horrible. It was as if he only cared for himself. He didn't like L being so skinny; he didn't say L wasn't healthy this way or anything like that. And L had to constantly apologize for him. Near didn't even wait for the other before leaving either.
Thinking that this dare was too easy, and wondering why the hell they needed to rent a motel room—"again" as L had said—I made my way to Mello and Matt's table. "Guys, time to go. And guess what?" I asked. Before they had time to answer me with a snide remark, I said, "I got two guys to come with me. Guess I'm just that hot," I joked.
Mello patted me on the back and whispered, "Nah, they just felt too sorry for you." He laughed along with Matt and the three of us walked out to my car.
Seeing as my car was one of the only ones parked outside, L and Near were already waiting by it. I was about to ask if they had a car themselves when Near said, "We walked here. I take it these are Mello and Matt?" He raised an eyebrow at my friends and I nodded.
"Dude, you told them about us?! That's against the rules!" Mello yelled…slightly slurred towards the end. Near gave him a dirty look and I unlocked the car and got behind the wheel before a catfight commenced. L slid in next to me and the other three got in back.
The ride was silent for the most part, besides Matt and Mello making out in the backseat, much to Near's discomfort. He was pressed as far as he could against the window, but still, it seemed like it wasn't far enough for him. "Sorry about them," I said with an embarrassed laugh. "Usually when they're like this I try putting one in the front seat with me, like on the way here." L only nodded and Near huffed again. What was with him? At least he wasn't sitting between them!
By the time we got to my house, Mello and Matt were already starting to undress each other. They let themselves in through the garage and went straight to my bedroom. I showed Near and L to the basement, as far away from the others as possible. "I only have the one mattress 'cause usually it's only me down here…you guys can share. I'll sleep on the couch." I then excused myself to go to the bathroom on the ground floor.
After relieving myself, I brought some extra blankets and pillows from the closet and headed back downstairs. And that's where I found Near leaning over a very uncomfortable looking L on the mattress they were going to use as a bed. The one on top was saying, "Come on, you promised we'd go at it tonight. That's why we were going to the motel! Just a little bit before that freak gets back down. You know what? Even if he comes back, I don't care." He was crawling on top of L, hand at the other's crotch.
"I-I don't think it's right to have sex in another person's home, Near. Please, not now. I just wanted to get away from my parents, not sleep with you tonight," L replied. He was trying to creep backwards, but Near was coming after him.
Unable to take it, I launched myself at Near and grabbed him by the collar before flinging him off L. "He said he didn't want any," I defended. Near gave me a dirty look, about to retort, when his phone went off.
He looked at the caller ID and groaned before answering it. There was a pause before he let out, "Fine, I'll be home soon," and hung up. Turning to L, he announced, "My mom is sobering up. She wants me home because she's 'oh-so-worried'. Worried my ass," he growled out.
Trying to be the polite host, I offered him a ride home. He refused, saying he wanted to walk home; it would take longer. I really didn't like him. He was rude to me, arrogant about my friends, and just tried to take advantage of L. He had some serious issues. And he didn't even want to go home? Hell, if my parents were home at all, I'd always want to be with them. Well, not anymore…but when I was younger, I always missed them. If they wanted me home, I would totally get a ride there instead of walking.
As I watched that creep exit my house, a spidery hand fell on my shoulder. I looked down to see L's hand…and his wrist. I hadn't noticed it before, but it was quite scary, just skin and bones. It was almost like a skeleton was gripping my shoulder. A little freaked, I turned completely to face L. Thinking about that wrist, I looked into his face. It was then that I saw how sunken his features were. His eyes were the only thing that really stood out, besides the shadows framing his whole face.
"I'm going to break up with him. I can't take it anymore," the man said without emotion as soon as I was fully facing him. We went back downstairs as he explained his story. It was actually quite interesting. Apparently, everyone is a little fucked up it seems. "We've known each other for most of our lives. Near River used to be a quiet child who was always sitting in a corner playing with a puzzle or an action figure. He was actually pretty smart…" By now, we had seated ourselves on the mattress.
L continued, "I was only a year older, but he looked up to me with so much admiration, I was always afraid to mess up around him. We often played chess, or checkers, or a card game, or had mind races and such…Several years ago—maybe about three by now—when he was fifteen and I sixteen, his father committed suicide. To this day, nobody knows why. It's possible that he was going through depression, but was good at hiding it, or something. Whatever the reason, he was dead by his own hand and Mrs. River couldn't take it. So she took to drinking excessively."
"And still is?" I guessed, understanding a little more of Near's attitude.
He nodded and continued, "Usually, when she's drunk, she's horribly mean and for some reason blames Near for his father's death. Sometimes, he gets so depressed, he believes her. That's where I come in. I think my parents have always fought and I just never noticed…See, when Near's family started breaking apart—well the two thirds that were left—I started paying attention to my parents as well. I don't think I ever really noticed their existence, living in my own little world where I was often alone, except for Near being there. But after I look notice of my parents, I realized how much they fought. It was constant bickering and yelling, and often something was broken. The only reason they didn't divorce was because of the money, not even me." He laughed bitterly, his eyes covered by his hair.
Okay, this was getting a little weird. We just met and he's spilling his life story. But maybe he was just repaying me for helping him out earlier, or giving him a place to stay for the night, or maybe he felt that strange connection that I felt earlier too, when I could actually read his—uncovered—eyes.
"Near was—and still is—often kicked out of his house. Usually his mom doesn't want him home and only realizes he's gone then next morning. He used to come to my house and sleep in a sleeping bag in my room. One night, my parents were having an all out fight and I couldn't take it. I grabbed my stuff and tried to sneak out to Near's place…while he was sneaking to mine. We decided to go rent a motel room for nothing better to do. He couldn't go home and I didn't want to go home either. He was so upset that he couldn't think straight. Mrs. River insulted him too much this time and his guard, instead of being stronger, was down. He let slip the feelings he apparently held for me. I didn't know what to think, so I just kept holding him close.
"But he thought that because I was still being so kind to him after he expressed his love for me, I loved him back. I was so upset I didn't realize what was going on until he was already stripping us both of clothes. And I'll admit it; we both lost our virginity to each other. For the next two years, we often escaped our steadily worsening lives and got together to get high off each other. I liked it at first, but soon, Near became too needy. He seemed to only lust for me, having lost all feelings of love that had originally sparked all this. Now, if he's feeling horrible, it doesn't matter where we are, he'll try and fuck me."
The story seemed to end, so I let out the only thing I could think of to say. "Wow." I couldn't think straight. It seemed like other people had lives just as fucked up as mine.
Another bitter laugh sounded from L and I laughed with him. After a while of silence, he asked, "Are you wondering if I'm anorexic? I mean, the brownie thing earlier…and the way you were looking at my hand…"
"Sorry," I said guiltily, bowing my head away from him.
"It's fine. And you're right." I looked up at him. He was staring off into space. I felt another story coming on. "I hated my parents…still do. And I hate it more when they fight. I hate my only friend and boyfriend, and even more what he does to me, when he takes advantage of me. I figure: what's the point? Why am I here? If I don't eat, it means that there's less time for me to suffer like I am. First, I tried only eating sweets and unhealthy things, giving myself too much sugar. It didn't work…so I stopped altogether. It's not as if I want to kill myself. And it's not even painful anymore. I'm numb all over. I don't hold any emotions I used to have. The only thing keeping me alive is the hope that something good will someday happen to me. And lately, even that's wearing thin."
I noticed a tear falling down his cheek. My hand involuntarily reached out and brushed it away, caressing his face afterwards. L looked me straight in the eye and said, "But then again, maybe it was good that I kept that hope. I realized that the first thing I need to do is get rid of at least one of the thorns breaking through my heart—Near." His hand reached up and held mine to his face. I had no idea what was going on or why my heart was beating so irregularly.
Then, completely out of the blue, I yawned. L smiled and let go, letting my hand fall to my side. He lied down on the mattress we were sitting on and got comfortable. I did the same, right next to him, though on the other side, as far away from him as possible. We both tried to sleep it seemed, but I couldn't. There was some sort of energy in the room trying to draw me to the man lying beside me. I couldn't handle it and was about to get up and sleep on the couch like I was originally going to do when I felt L shift.
He moved so he was pressed up right against me, his front to my back. At the contact, blood started pooling towards my groins. I almost wanted to yell at my body, saying I was straight, I had slept with girls, and another man shouldn't make me feel this way. But then his hand fell on my stomach. I gasped. He was trying to seduce me! His hand continued to crawl down my body to my crotch and I was helpless to stop it, because…I was actually enjoying the tingles and shocks sent throughout my body from his touch.
We were both silent except for my heavy breathing as L's hand reached my member. He snickered slightly as he felt the growing hard on I was getting. I really had no idea what was going on. He hadn't even broken up with Near, a guy who was constantly after sex from him, and he was trying to bang me now? Things were making no sense. And then I felt the arousal he was getting against my lower back.
His hand squeezed me through my pants and I let out—accidentally, for I was not expecting it—a long moan. L chuckled behind me and let his hand slip underneath my shirt. I wasn't thinking clearly. If I were, I would have stopped him before his tickling fingers reached higher up. Instead, I squirmed under his touch and moaned once more as he hit all my sensitive spots.
Suddenly, his fingers froze from moving upwards and ran across the same part of my skin. It was a scar, one of many. His hand found several more scars across my stomach and chest. I felt the question coming up. I knew it was waiting in his throat, about to be asked. Instead, his other skeletal hand lifted the sleeves on my shirt and felt my wrists for the scars chris-crossing there. Finally, he let out, "Why?"
***
We were all laughing, having a great time. I had completely forgotten my parents had once again left for another country, far away from me…and my sister, Sayu. Matt and Mello had come over as they often did with several six-packs of beer. I was so shit-faced I didn't even care that Sayu was drinking with the three of us. So she was fifteen and I was only seventeen; it's not like we were going to get caught.
Mello had finally seduced Matt enough that they couldn't take it anymore and moved themselves to my room. I looked at my sister, smiling and laughing, something I'd never seen in so long. Her eyes were still framed in the dark makeup, and her hair was now cropped much shorter and died with red and pink. It wasn't as if our parents noticed. I could barely make out the new piercing she had—making it thirteen in all.
See, Sayu was falling downhill really quickly. She used to come to me for help in math, her worst subject. Now she was failing every subject and refused help from anyone. Her teachers were worried, her old friends were worried, hell, and I was in hysterics half the time! And to top all off, she had made new, older friends. Ones that were only into drugs. Even if she was drinking herself stupid tonight, I was just glad she was home with me instead of with them.
And the only reason all this was happening was because Mom and Dad were never home. They put me in charge of a girl just two years younger than me that had a whole mind of her own. She grew up with only me, no parents, and now she just couldn't take it anymore. I was coping all right, but now they were rarely home, as if they wanted to stay away from us. And her mindset was, "If they didn't want any children, why'd they have a second child?" It broke my heart just to look at her.
But not tonight. Tonight, I was having a great time with my friends and sister. Well, now just Sayu, but still. I got up and wobbled off to the bathroom to piss, telling Sayu I'd be right back. When I was done, barely able to walk, I walked in on Sayu somehow managing to get her coat on, despite her drunkenness.
"I'm goin' over to Misa's house," she slurred as a honk sounded outside.
I knew this was a new friend of hers, one of the druggies, but I really didn't remember that at the time. I barely understood she was going out. I watched from the door and called out, "Have fun!" as she heaved herself to the car. She tripped on air and fell flat on her face. I helped her up and into the waiting car, and then waved her off.
After I got back inside, I ran straight back to the bathroom to puke. I think I passed out after that, for the next thing I knew, I was being slapped across the face by an angry—and naked—Mello. He handed me a phone once I seemed awake. "Hello?" I asked sleepily.
"Uh…is this Light?" a girl's voice asked. She seemed a little jittery.
"Yeah…" I replied. What was going on?
The girl started stuttering, "Well, Light…you see…uh…Sayu…um…Sayu's…"
***
"Dead."
"Hmm?" L asked, unsure what I had just said.
A tear streamed down my cheek, followed by several more, as I explained to horrid truth, "My sister's dead because of me. I was too drunk to stop her from drinking, then going to a drug party. The alcohol reacted with the drugs and her body couldn't take it and shut down." I was mumbling into my pillow, but he still heard me.
I was breaking down, curling into a little ball, right next to L. I was sobbing, unable to hold back; my nails were cutting into my palms as I balled my fists tightly. I had broken down once or twice in front of my girlfriends when they asked me about the scars, but then I was kicked out of their houses or they left mine. This was the first time I felt another body press against my own, wrap around me and try to comfort me.
"We all have scars, Light," L whispered in my ear, "be them physical, mental, or emotional. But some find another who can be the skin, thoughts, or love that is needed to not heal, but replace, fill those scars. Time may heal wounds, but does nothing for scars. That's what others are for." By the end of his short speech, I had uncurled my body and was leaning against him, my hands relaxing with the rest of my muscles. Never before had someone said anything like that to me. Matt and Mello noticed my scars at first, the cuts I gave myself, but after a while, they just let it go, unable to help me, and I wore long sleeved shirts all the time just to make sure.
When Sayu died, I blamed myself. Anyone in their right mind would…including my parents. They might've abandoned us and were the reason for Sayu's falling, but I was the reason she hit the ground. I could've saved her, but I didn't. Trying to get rid of the constant pain I held, I cut my wrists, making myself bleed. It wasn't enough—and there wasn't enough skin there—so I started slicing open the skin on other parts of my body, my upper legs, my chest, my stomach. Now I was covered in scars and constantly covered in a long-sleeved shirt.
L kept holding me for a while and finally whispered in my ear once more, "I won't be your crutch, Light. I won't be the thing that gets you high, makes you forget all your troubles. But I will be your ladder, and help you climb out of the hole you and fate have dug for yourself." I gasped when he finished. That was possibly the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me, beating out his earlier words.
I gasped once more when he pulled me closer to him. He rolled me over onto my back and sat up to look into my face. "Th-thanks," I stammered. Fresh tears had fallen from my eyes and were streaking down my cheeks into my hair. He smiled down at me as I smiled weakly up.
Without warning, both of us reached for the other—completely involuntary on my part, but I don't know about him—and starting to kiss. I held him close and sucked in the essence of the only man who ever made me feel okay in the past year…or ever. He quickly slipped his tongue into my waiting mouth and tasted me, fighting with my own tongue. My hand tangled in his raven locks—that seemed extremely unkempt—while my other arm wrapped around his neck to pull him closer to me. L's arms were around my waist, his hands resting on my upper back. Finally, he pulled at my shirt and lifted it over my head, letting his hands roam over my chest, paying close attention to the scars that adorned me. I don't know why, but for some reason, I like him doing that.
When air became a necessity, we broke apart, breathing heavily. And then I realized something.
I've had sex. I've fooled around with girls, banged them, and fucked them. I've might have had intercourse with one or two I liked a little more than others. But with L, this strange man I've only known for a few short hours at most, with him leaning over me, I feel like I will make love for the very first time.
~*~
We didn't actually make love. After my realization, we stared into each other's eyes, much in the way Matt and Mello had earlier that night, back at the coffee shop. But somehow, we were more serious, more in depth, in so deep we could've suffocated and not cared. Soon, L closed his eyes and collapsed on top of me. I thought he had fainted—from fatigue or starvation—but then a smile shown on his face and he sighed into my bare chest. We fell asleep like that.
The next morning, we were still sleeping together when Mello and Matt came downstairs to see if Near and L really had stayed the night. You can imagine the shock they both had when the witnessed L sprawled on top of me, my shirt off for the first time in almost a year (they saw a lot more scars than they thought I had, which must've freaked them out a lot as well), and Near nowhere in sight. I wish I could've seen their faces, but they left me and L alone to sleep, coming up with their own theories as to what happened.
Soon after that, L and I woke up together. With a peck to my lips, he got up and handed me my shirt to put on. My scars looked…so much worse in daylight. Last night, L could barely see; he mostly felt them. This morning—was it still morning?—he could easily see them in all their glory. It made me so self-conscious. I quickly put on my shirt, but L noticed my hesitation.
"Light, what I said last night was from my heart. I don't care that you're covered in scars you gave yourself. I'll be there for you so you stop. Isn't that enough?" He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I couldn't disagree, so I just held onto him.
We let go after a minute and he grabbed my hand, not letting go. I let him lead me up the stairs and brought him to the kitchen. Waiting for us were my friends, ready for an explanation.
I smiled sheepishly and tried to shorten everything, "Near's evil; L's breaking up with him; we talked about our feelings last night; I'm—hopefully—L's new boyfriend; and everyone's life is fucked up. Happy?" They just stared back at me incredulously. Over the breakfast I made—and forced L to eat, telling him how unhealthy he was and the like (he didn't protest, but it was still hard for him to eat)—the two of us explained better. They were still as confused as I was, but what the hell.
~*~
Several months later, I was at college. So were L, Mello, and Matt. My best friends went to the same college—obviously—but luckily, they didn't share the same dorm room. L and I came back to my house every weekend to hang and do whatever we wanted. It wasn't like my parents were ever home. It was like owning my own vacation home!
I don't cut myself anymore. At the beginning, I thought about it almost as often as before, but I know how L would respond, so I don't…the hurt in his eyes would be enough to cut open my lungs and let me asphyxiate and die. L's eating normally…still too many sweets, but apparently, he was always like that. He tells me that every time he tries to refuse to eat, he thinks of my face and the hurt in my eyes if I ever saw him like that. Of course, now he has to work out a lot, for he's getting a bit of a stomach.
"Come here, my little blubber belly!" I cooed as I pulled L by the waist into my lap. We were at my house one weekend, in my room. Personally, I liked him a little chubby. It is so much better than him so super skeletal skinny. The first time I had sex with him, I was freaking out for two reasons: 1) it was my first time with another guy—my first time as uke too—and 2) I felt that any wrong move I made would cause him to break; he seemed so fragile. He didn't hold back with me though. No, he forced me to be the bottom and was extremely aggressive. Apparently, by the end of his and Near's relationship, Near didn't even care about L's needs. I was sore for a week.
L made a pouting face. "If you keep calling me fat, I might go anorexic again," he said, but remained in my lap. We had an intriguing relationship. See, we both wanted dominance over the other and I knew that would never change. L would never let me be seme, though…still, we loved the constant competition. We also often had this conversation.
"You sound like a girl when you talk like that!" I chided.
"At least I don't spend an hour on my hair every morning," L responded, running his fingers—that were still skeletal, no matter the rest of his body—through my golden hair. It was true.
I laughed and said, "Well, at least I actually spend time on my hair. When was the last time you washed it? Or at least brushed it?" Okay, so he actually did wash his hair, but it was still always matted. Towards the beginning of our relationship, I forced him into a home spa day. For him, it was actually quite relaxing. For me? My arms were aching for the next few days…his hair was just that unruly.
He pouted again. "Before I came to see you, Light." I sighed, knowing the argument was over. I still liked him with a little fat. Don't ask me why. I squeezed L a little and he made a squeak before grabbing my face and pushing his lips to mine. He moved to straddle my waist, but I stopped him and flipped us around so he was lying on my bed, with me over him. I moved back and smirked at him. He growled.
And that's when his phone rang. L quickly sat up to and shoved his hand into his jeans pocket, trying to get to his cell in the shortest amount of time as possible. It's always like this. See, L never had and still doesn't have that many friends, besides Matt, Mello, and me. And of course, Near…sort of. After L called the guy to tell him they were through, he ran away. L hasn't heard from him since. Sometimes Mrs. River gets worried, but she's gotten in too deep with the alcohol and will probably die soon, seeing as she was put in the hospital a few weeks ago. Apparently, the Rivers had some very nice neighbors.
Now every time L gets a call, he's hoping it's his ex. I understand and am not jealous. They were all each other had for so long, so now that one's gone, the other's bound to be worried. It doesn't matter that Near was abusive and demanding; L just wants him to be safe…far away from him, but safe all the same.
My boyfriend groaned. "Who is it?" I asked.
He sneered at the phone and answered, "I told you I joined a study group to help freshmen, right?" I nodded in response. "Well, one of the kids—"
"Hey, I'm a freshman, too, you know!" I interrupted. Sometimes, L forgot about our age difference. It was just one year, but sometimes it was too much. Which reminds me, I bet you guys are wondering how the hell people took it when I came out. The thing is, I never did. I don't have any friends besides Mello and Matt and nobody at college is worth my time. I'm trying to focus on my studies again, which isn't that hard anymore. I'm still the straight-A student genius I used to be before…well…yeah. And my parents were a little disappointed, but it's not like they really care.
L ignored me and answered his cell phone. "Hello, this is L…yes…no…Sorry, I'm never at my dorm over the weekend…My boyfriend's house, several hours away by train…*groan* Ask one of the other leaders…yes, alright, goodbye." He turned to me with a dead look in his eyes. Suddenly, a glint appeared to replace the dead look and his cell was thrown to the floor before he tackled me onto my back. We made out passionately for a while.
~*~
And thus is the story of my life so far. In conclusion, everyone's life is fucked up to some degree. Mine, L's, and Near's just a lot more than most people. Matt and Mello are perfectly fine, so I don't really know what to say about them. But seeing as they're still friends with me, their pretty fucked up too.
I used to be broken. I used to morn Sayu's death all time, thinking it was completely my fault. Now I know that, even if it was my fault, there's no way to change what happened, and I just need to live on, for both of us. Now L's here to help me, hold me when I need it, and love me unconditionally.
L used to be broken as well. His parents tore him apart and he felt, like Sayu and I, that his parents held no need, nor love for him. He tried to starve himself to death, thinking: what's the point of eating? Now there's someone to love him and show him that there is a reason to keep on living: me. Both of us were pieced together by the other, and are happily showing off our cracks and glue to the world.
Near is still broken. He tried using the glue that wasn't meant for him, and abused it, making it work even less. Because of that, the glue finally gave up. L and I are still worried about him, but it doesn't look like he wants to look back on his trail of his broken pieces. I hope he finds someone who can find those missing pieces and put him together once more.
We're all broken. And we just want to be whole.
Author's Note: YIPPEE! I'M DONE! And yes, those last lines are pretty much quoting "We Are Broken."
Now, there're several notes on the story. Please remember: no flames. And to make sure on several things:
1. I have no idea how an anorexic feels. I know what they look like, and man do they freak me out! So obviously, I thought it should make sense that Light's freaked out by L's skinniness. He's like, the face is all…, and the arms…and the stomach…So to anyone reading this, do not become anorexic, for I will be freaked out. And that is not a pretty sight…and neither are you if you're anorexic.
2. I have no idea what it is like to be drunk like Light was in the flashback. Do not question his oddness. Or Matt and Mello's.
3. I do not support Near/L. I support Mello/Matt and L/Light ((seme first)). End of story.
4. The end little blurb Light says is mainly to tie up the story. I wanted that last line and I thought why not conclude Light's story?
5. I was listening to "Get Stoned" by Hinder a lot while writing this…It might explain some things.
6. L's scar speech was originally supposed to be said when he was touching Light's scars. The other ladder speech was where it was supposed to be. And Light's sex speech was also the only other thing I had pre-written.
7. What I had come up with the first night I came up with this story was this: Light was dared by Mello and Matt to drive to a coffee place and try to get a guy to come home w/ him. He finds L and it turns out Near was just in the bathroom and his bf, so he brings them both home, much to Near's discomfort because he had to sit next to Matt and Mello while they're making out. Then, after the two guys go upstairs, Light brings L and Near to the basement, goes to the bathroom, and comes back to find Near and L making out and starting to go a little…farther. For some reason, Near had to go home, so then somehow, L and Light wind up on the mattress together. L tries to seduce Light. That's as far as I got the first night. I came up w/ pretty much EVERYTHING else the next night. End of story.
8. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys. I've written from Light's POV before, but after his death (("First Day of the Rest of Your Life")). So I don't think that really counts as a normal guy's POV because anyone who reads/watches Death Note knows how Light thinks. I've written from a guy's POV one other time: "To Befriend…" That's the only other time. And in that, for some reason, I could understand the guy better. In this, it's a guy's POV that I am not used to. If I messed up some part of him and how he thought as a teenage boy, shut up and no flames.
9. Ah, yes…I used "interesting" way too many times. No flames about that either. Don't mention it at all in your reviews. I was having slight writer's block, okay?
With all that said, I hope you've liked this story and if you have any questions, feel free to REVIEW and ask. I luv replying to reviews ((and of course just getting them)) so I'll reply as soon as I receive the review! I loved writing this story and now I will get back to "Jump into the Fire."