Years before she left her room on the Ark, Octavia Blake possessed that rare type of naïve optimism held only by the young and innocent, those who have not yet experienced the cruelty that dwells in this world. The kind that foolishly thinks bad things only happen to other people and good isn't a question of if but when. She knew, although she was told time and time again that it wasn't true, that she would leave the room someday and she wanted to know how to live once she did. How to be happy in a world with more people than her mother and brother. Because of this, she would occasionally ask questions about outside life. Even if they were busy, even if sometimes, in the darkest corners of their minds her family cursed the way her presence in their household complicated their lives, Octavia's family loved her very much, and they always answered her questions truthfully, regardless of the fact that she would never be able to apply them. In her darkest hour, she remembered her mother's answer to this one.
"Mom, what do I do if someone hurts my feelings?" she asked, when she was twelve, thinking of the extreme ways that those in the myths her brother read to her reacted to the tiniest slight to their character or morals.
Her mother barely looked up from her sewing, exhausted from a long day of work.
"Go ask your brother," she said.
Octavia frowned in confusion. In a household that revolved around keeping her safe, she wasn't used to not being the center of attention. And she did not like it. She moved herself so that while Aurora looked down at her work, she also had to look down at her daughter.
"I already did," she pouted. "He said I should forgive and forget and then he had to go."
Aurora's head shot up at that, her work dropping into her lap, forgotten. She looked into Octavia's eyes with an intensity that almost frightened the girl.
"No." she said in the back of her throat, closer to growling than speaking.
Now Octavia was really confused. Mom and Bellamy never disagreed on anything, at least not in front of her. They were a united front, a wall blocking her from the world outside of her room and keeping her from the view of the prying eyes which attempted to peer in from the Ark
"What?"
"No. Maybe forgive but never, ever forget." She sighed, trying to put her sentiments into words. She had made the mistake of forgetting once. Of closing her eyes to the pain a man had caused her and falling into the arms of another. She knew that forgiving and forgetting was the best way to get hurt. And she was reminded of that lesson every time she looked at Octavia's face.
"When you look into people's eyes, remember everything they've done to you. The first thing you remember, the biggest thing, think of that. If it's good, stay close to them. If it's bad, stay far away. And, even if it's someone different, never get hurt the same way twice. There's an old expression. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Remember that when someone hurts your feelings Octavia. And protect your heart. Keep your feelings precious."
Octavia cocked her head to the side, processing the information. She wasn't sure if it was a good answer, even though it sounded very smart. For now, she nodded quickly and scampered to the door as her brother knocked to be let in, preparing a sneak attack so he'll bring her on a journey through the world on his back and thinking about asking him about the answer her mother had given her to the question. The answer that was so different from her beloved brother's.
A year after her arrest, at seventeen years old, as she walks from an execution into a cave, she no longer holds any of the youthful optimism that was once her only treasure. For she had another treasure and he was ripped from her. When he was, the veil that blinded her to the world's cruelty was ripped away as well, exposing the cesspool of death and destruction and evil which her love had blinded her to. Now to her bad things are not a question of if but when, and beauty and good is only a moment before pain.
In that cave, which is for her an escape, a prisoner sits on a rock. This prisoner, who she once allowed to hold her whole heart in his hands, who she cannot imagine hating more. And as she looks into his eyes, her brother's eyes, all she can see is another pair of eyes, just the same as always yet completely unfamiliar, lying in a pool of dirt and water and blood. All she can hear is a gunshot, the sound of a bullet as it passes through her beloved's brain. All she feels is numbness and anger, anger at the killer, at her brother who helped him, at Death itself. This is the death which, unlike every one before it, surpasses every good thing her brother has done for her. A death which makes her hate with her whole heart someone who was once the only person she loved. Bellamy's betrayal has broken her. It is his fault. And as her fists fly at him, she doesn't care about the devastation on her brother's face. All she can think about is another man, and about herself. Her true love. The wrenching pain and numbness that fills the hole in her heart where he once was.And his name. The name of the man she once thought she would spend the rest of her life with. She cries as she finally lets in sink in that Lincoln is never coming back to her. That instead of being trapped in her home, now she doesn't have one.