Disclaimer: I don't own Death note, Matt or Mello (believe it or not)

Killing time

I remember that night as if it was yesterday, although more than three years have passed since. Yet the resentment and disappointment that were left behind still felt so alive in my memories and in my heart. I could still remember how cold the window glass was when I leaned my forehead on it while watching him go away. I could still feel the touch of rough fabric of the drapes that I clung on to when collapsing in tears after he was out of my sight. I could still taste the same bitterness after realizing he was forever gone… Whether my whole life could have been different if I hadn't stayed silent back then, is something I will never be able to find out. But still, I can't help but to wonder "What if?". Leading a life based on a single regret is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

When shifting my eyes over to where Matt was sitting, I noticed how calm he seemed, holding his PSP and playing yet another one of those games whose name I didn't know. The last game I have played was probably the Wild Gunman. Those were the times! I sucked at it, always failing to kill my enemy. The little 2- dimensional guy with mustaches was always quicker than me so I decided to stay away from any kind of games, in fear of getting humiliated by a man with a sombrero. That was a real blow to my ego.

Although he was deeply concentrated on his game, Matt sensed I was staring at him and, his eyes still focused on that little LCD screen, and he started talking to me.

"So, you have called the airport to confirm the flight, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have, I told you that already…", I responded in a sort of irritated fashion.

"No need to get angry, Lola, I just felt like asking something to break this tension between us.", he smiled, still killing off virtual enemies.

"What tension? There is no tension…where do you come up with stuff like that?"

"Well, you're awfully quiet today. You're just sitting in that sofa of yours and staring at the walls, as if something's troubling you. At first I thought that it might be because of something I did, but as far as I can remember, I did nothing wrong…", Matt paused his game and turned his head to where I was sitting, waiting for an answer.

"It has nothing to do with you.", I said angrily. I guess I could have been less cruel in giving an explanation, but at that moment, Matt's observations were just far too annoying.

"Oh, I see…", he said quietly, reaching to his pocket for a cigarette.

"Those things are going to kill you one day…", I hated the fact he was such a nicotine addict, but I also knew that me saying how dangerous those things were is not going to magically reform him into a non-smoker. All I got back was a smug smile, as always.

"People like us don't get killed by lung cancer.", he said, while lighting up the cigarette.

"You don't have to be old to get sick, Matt!", his recklessness was so damn frustrating from time to time, that I just had to raise my voice a bit.

"Well if you're so keen to lead a healthy life, maybe you should start reforming your own lifestyle by…um…I don't know- actually sleeping from time to time!", he said mockingly, through smoke.

"Insomnia is not something I have chosen, it just happened!", I snapped at him. How could he just say such a thing, when he knew how much I suffered from sleep deprivation? I couldn't help but to wonder if he was starting to question my reliability as his partner. To be honest with myself, I wouldn't want my life to depend on someone who slept the total of barely two hours each night and whose every action could potentially be affected by the inability of concentration. Especially now, with our big mission only few days ahead of us and the factor of jet lag that could possibly worsen my situation, I had to admit Matt had every right to question me. But still, he said nothing further.

"Matty...",I said with a patronizing undertone.

"Stop using that nickname for me. I'm not a kid anymore.", he hissed back at me, with that awful cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

"I know. It's just that…" I stopped in the middle of my sentence and finished it in my thoughts "…but for me, you'll always be the kid I need to protect."