A/N: This was written after 4x01 but before 4x02. I got some inspiration from the song Words by Christina Perri.
I hope you like it!
Erin doesn't know exactly how long she stands there, holding Hank. There is a sudden flash of memory, to all the times he held her. When she sobbed uncontrollably after Nadia died, or when she shook with withdrawal all those years ago. He is such a big part of her life. She doubts she can just let go, but Jay is right. She can't go down, not again. The reminder of what happened the last time is still clear in her head, and she doesn't think she will ever get the image of Jay, bruised and beaten and bloody, out of her head. Her spirals have consequences, not just on her, but on the people she loves.
But she promises she's there. Not for whatever he needs, because she can't give him everything, but she cannot completely desert him either. And he understands that. Being the only thing someone has left in the world is a heavy burden to bear. He leaves, and when he does there is silence.
The aftermath of the day is just kicking in, and she suddenly feels so tired, but at the same time sure that if she goes to bed, she won't be able to sleep, or worse, she'll wake because of the nightmares.
She thought silence would do her good after a day of everyone talking to her, but she feels in a dire need of something. Not something. Someone. Thinking of Jay brings back the very fresh memory. His words echo in her head, filling in the empty places, until he is all she can think about. He took her by surprise there, in the break room. She contemplates his words now, thinking of what they mean. But she already knows what they mean. It means he's offering her security, balance. In a time like this, when the only steady person she has had in her life is crumbling down like a building on fire, it feels good to know there are some thing that haven't changed.
She decides to call it a night, and she's just putting away her laptop when she hears the door open. He has the keys, of course he does. They are way past that point in their relationship. She has a key to his place as well, so she can let herself in (which she does, especially to sleep in his bed when he's working). She's glad he's there, and her heart thumps a little with panic as well.
He sets the keys down on the counter and looks at her, drowning in her eyes for a second. He crosses the room to her, murmuring a quiet hello, and she leans into him, seeking the long awaited solace. He does not disappoint. He caresses her cheek gently, tracing the line of her jaw with his fingers. They're rough, calloused on her gentle skin. That's about everything that's gentle in her, he thinks, looking her eyes harden. She is so strong, so much stronger than everyone thinks. The occasions where she lets him in are so rare. But she let him in today, in the break room, when she trusted him.
He doesn't see how they could go back from that, but he is afraid he has scared her off. He knows he needs to say something, he can't just ignore the fact that he asked her to move in with him, nor does he want to. But sometimes, especially when it comes to relationship stuff, Erin scares easily.
"I don't want you to go, either," she murmurs into his shoulder, the fabric muffling the sound, but not enough so he can't hear her. He feels a ping in what he thinks might be his heart, but that's ridiculous, he has given her that a long time ago. The words are there, on the tip of his tongue, but they don't come out. I love you. The words he has said to her in the break room mean the same thing, but he doesn't say it. He wants her to say it first, when or if she feels comfortable enough to do it. But he needs her to understand, that though he isn't saying the words that might scare her, he does love her. He loves her more than anything.
"You don't have to…" He doesn't finish. He means to say she doesn't have to answer it right away. She doesn't have to take a step she's not ready to take, he would never force her to do that.
But she is ready. Because what he said back in the break room, she's right there with him. She doesn't want him to come and go. She wants him to stay, and never leave, because Jay leaving is something she's not sure she can handle. Because having what they have: the love, the respect, the intimacy and the trust; knowing it, knowing they have it, she knows she doesn't want to lose it.
"Yes." There are no shirts muffling her words this time. It's not a soft murmur. It's a word, clear and loud, because she needs him to know how sure she is. She isn't sure about anything else right now, but she is sure about this.
His eyes brighten up as he looks down at her. He stares at her for a second, thinking she never ceases to amaze him, and then his lips slowly spread into a smile.
"Don't go."
"Never," he promises immediately and his hands cup her face, and then he is kissing her, as if it's the first time his lips have touched hers. This kiss is tender, and meant to touch her in places she has never been touched before. She pulls away and swallows.
"What you've said today, in the break room?" She watches him nod to acknowledge that he knows very well what she's talking about, and she suddenly cannot hold back the words anymore. "I love you."
"I know," he grins and she feels relief that he does. Because she knows it took her a while to get here, and she's glad she was able to show it, if she wasn't able to say it.
"I love you, too." And he knows with a certain clarity that he would spend the rest of his life showing her just how much.