Don't Worry, Be Bitter
Ms. Bitters sets up another advise column in the newspaper! Sequel to the first one....hope you like.
Q: Mrs. Bitters, my husband is such a slack-off, at work and at home. How can I get him to be more serious?
A: Never be serious in life. It's not like you're going to get out alive.
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Q: Oh, Mrs. Bitters-in a recent family argument, everyone is now pointing the finger at ME. Whatever am I to do?
A: First of all, stop whining. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
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Q: Mrs. Bitters, what's your outlook on life?
A: The world is nothing short of a terrifying spire of doom. You're doomed.
Doomed.
Doomed....
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Q: Mrs. Bitters, my husband thinks I'm too old for him! Whatever shall I do?
A: That sounds like another comment I received from all of you doomed fools: "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked
me in the cellar."
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Q: How do you want to die, Mrs. Bitters?
A: When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. But then again.....ah, I just want to hear the fact that
I was right.....
The universe will eventually implode on itself, and I will be there when it happens....
.....unlike you.
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Q: Mrs. Bitters, do you recommend any fabric softeners?
A: Sorry. I don't speak English.
Q: What? It sounds like you speak English.
A: Nope. I do not speak a word of English, you little nothing, and, if you do not mind, I am going to sleep now.
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Q: Mrs. Bitters-my husband is ALWAYS playing tricks on me in public! How do I get back at him!
A: What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Now go away, before i send flying monkeys to destroy you all.
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Q: Mrs. B-please help. My daughter is hopeless in school. She never answers when the teacher calls on her! What do I do?!
A: What you call a dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he is NOT gonna come.
And, for your information, that stupid little girl is in my classroom. I should know when I say she's not hopeless in school-she's hopeless EVERYWHERE!
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Q: Hey, Mrs. Bitters. How do i become popular with the "higher crowd?"
A: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? And why do they make you pay for another one after you're done stitching her mouth shut?
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Q: I love you Mrs. B.
A: Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll ignore you.
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Q: I've been kidnapped in my life before, Mrs. Bitters. My family handles it oddly-but what do I do?
A: When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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Q: What's your medical advice, Mrs. Bitters?
A: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Or do. The act of going for medicinal help in this world is pointless.
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Q: What's your idea of a perfect man, Mrs. B?
A: Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. Or don't have one at all.....the world is going to end in fire.
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Q: I'm always being beat in video games, Mrs. Bitters! What do I do?
A: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Q: What's your favorite childhood memory, Mrs. Bitters?
A: Why, learning to ride my two wheeler, of course....through my neighbor's flower bed.
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Q: Do you have any pets, Mrs. B?
A: I don't care that you asked, but I might as well answer-I have thirteen black cats-that, despite being buried, are wonderful companions as my unholy army of the night.
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Q: Mrs. Bitters, I'm a teacher. The students in my classroom are always coming up with crafty lies about their homework! What should I do?
A: Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
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Q: Mrs. Bitters-can you help me? I keep daydreaming in class! How do I stay focused?
A: The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
And, I recommend you come to my....skool. I will gladly aid you by shackling your ankles with electrical contracting as I hang about you in my black garments, and hold a croquet
mallet just so above your head. Perhaps that would assist you somewhat.
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Q: Is it true you're a vegetarian, Mrs. B?
A: I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Now silence.
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Q: When no one listens to me, why even bother talking, Mrs. B?
A: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Now do stop talking.
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Q: My psychologist is soooo mean, Mrs. B!
A: After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
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Q: Mrs. B? I feel I need to fix something in my life, but I don't know what it is. Can you help?
A: As they say in Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Now, farewell, you wretched souls. May Doom go with you.