It came.

I don't know. I guess I always had a feeling I was gonna be one of the unlucky ones. Hell, I was born unlucky. But I still managed to be surprised. I turned the card over in my hand. It was smaller than I expected. Just like the government though. To tell you, you owe it, when it's been screwing you over since birth.

How could something so small be so damn heavy?

I ain't a coward, but I ain't ready to die. I still got a whole lot to live for. I just realized that. Curly needs me. Angela needs me. Ma needs me. I ain't a coward, but I don't want to go. It's funny how the threat of death shows you how much you really have.

I went to the fridge and grabbed the 6 pack. I needed something to settle me. The house was quiet so I knew no one else was here. The one time I needed the noise, the distraction, the house was empty. It left me with the perfect opportunity to think, at the worst possible time.

I went to the back porch and drained the first beer. I can remember when ma brought Curly home. Told me his name was Charles. That didn't last long. It didn't even fit him. He was Curly, always would be Curly.

When Ma brought Angel home, I wasn't real happy. I already had one kid trailing me, I didn't want another. But Angela was my sister. Just a girl. A baby. So I accepted her too. I always felt Curly was Ma's favorite. Because he is.

Angela's at that age where she's nobody's favorite.

I wasn't aware of the time. I must have been sitting there for a solid three hours because my Ma came home. She only worked part time. Her dependence on those pills made her sleepy. Or lazy. I never ask. I don't know why I did it, but I hid the card. She came out and gave me a look.

I hadn't seen that look in years. It was the look she used to give me when I was a kid and she would tell me to do good in school. Before she gave up hope. The look she used to give Curly when she would play with him before she took her pills. Before she stopped trying. The look she gave Angela when she used to help her with her hair. Before she didn't care.

"No. No. Not you. You're my baby. My first baby!" I didn't have the decency to look away.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I took another sip. I wouldn't admit it on my deathbed, but I was kinda glad she was worried. She got to be like Curly and Angela the older I got. Always thought I was invincible, could fix anything. But I can't.

That kills me. That I can't fix this. Because if I don't, what's left of the Shepard's will fall apart. Ever since Thomas left my Ma for good, we had been worse off than usual. Money had always been tight, but it was unbearable now. We had to rely on any side jobs I could find. And those side jobs weren't always legal.

"They can't do this. You're a good boy. You only do those things so we can eat. So we can have a roof over our heads. Why can't they see that?" She was being hysterical. And if I weren't me, I might be crying right now. But I am me, and so I didn't cry.

"I'll fix this-"

"How Timothy? We ain't got no money to go bribing nobody! What am I gonna do?" Before I could say anything Curly came home. We shared a look that said we would pick this conversation up later.

Curly merely glanced at us and went to the room we shared. Probably sleeping off a hangover. Little shit, he should have been in school today.

We didn't get a chance to talk until the next day. I know Angela can tell something's up, but until she knows for sure she won't hassle me.

"I got it Timmy." I hate when she calls me that. I beat people up when they call me that.

"Got what?"

"How to keep you safe. You won't have to go to 'Nam."

I looked at her like she was crazy. It's like she said yesterday, we don't have the funds to bribe a corrupt draft officer. I humored her. And anything is better than what I had come up with. Usually I was the problem solver, but I just can't wrap my mind around going to Vietnam. Instead of thinking about how to dodge the draft, I had spent the night staring across the room at Curly and, with resignation, accepting my fate.

"We can get you a deferment." Now I was angry. She was wasting my time.

"I'm fit as Phil. I ain't gay and I'm not in College."

"I'm unfit." She whispered it.

"What?"

"Listen Timothy. I'm an unfit mother." I believed this for years. She brought home the worst men, couldn't keep a job, and never seemed to care where we were or what we did. But for whatever reason it was hard to hear. It ain't like she never tried, and we weren't the most obedient kids to begin with.

"They have my depression on record." She looked at me and hoped I would start to catch on.

"My doctor says I can't work full-time. I make minimum wage and work only 20 hours a week. Curly is 15 and Angela barely 14." I had to admit, I was shocked she knew their ages.

"I'm not married neither. If you find a legal job we can claim hardship. I can't raise them alone. That's not a lie."

"Lot's of people are poor." I cut in. All the while secretly hoping this would work.

"But their parents can take care of themselves. I need you. The doctors will support that. They have me on antidepressants. With my status you should be able to stay home. I'll even file as an unfit mother if I have to. Lord knows how many people have told me that."

"It might work."

I can tell she was hurt that I was so willing to go along with her self-proclaimed unfitness, but I'm more concerned about not going to Vietnam right now.

"What do we do first?" I wasn't used to following others, but it seems like she was beating me on that front today.

"We go down to the hospital and get my records. Then we get a statement from the doctor saying why you can't go, and then you take that letter to the selective service board."

She was making it sound so easy. Good thing too because I needed simplicity right now. While we were making plans to carry everything out Angie came outside and asked what was up. I just told her I'd tell her later. Like hell I was. But it made her go back inside. She was 14 and loved to feel important. I remember when I used to feel like that, before I fully understood responsibility.

We had five days to get everything done. The easy part was getting her records from the hospital. We went in, paid the fee, and got out.

Next was her doctor. She had scheduled an appointment with him, and I was glad she had thought of it because I certainly hadn't.

The guys name was Dr. Debane. He was in his mid 60s, and only slightly graying. You could tell he was the grandfatherly type. I was hoping this would work in our favor.

"Mrs. Shepard, and who is this young man?"

"My son. Timothy."

"Ah yes. Hello Timothy." The smile he gave me unnerved me. It was like he see right through me. I grunted my response. He didn't appear to take offence to it. But my mother gave me a sharp look.

"I came here today to finish the conversation we had on the phone." Now I was really lost. She had really thought that far ahead, I guess I shouldn't be so shocked. She was pretty worried about me.

"Of course." He then turned to me.

"You aren't one of those anti-government kids are you?" He meant a flower child. I had to bite back a sarcastic remark. Did I fucking look like a hippie?

"No. I'm not." He wasn't done.

"You afraid to die?" My first reaction was to lie. I was a Greaser, some would say "the" Greaser, but that wouldn't help me right now. This guy valued honesty, you could tell, so I told the truth.

"No. I'm not." My mother interrupted him.

"Tim, what are you saying. Everyone is a little afraid to die." She thought she was helping, and in a way she was. She was the concerned mother. I'm just glad she wasn't pretending. She don't lie real well.

"Let him finish Mrs. Shepard."

"We don't live in the best neighborhood. My friends ain't the safest to be around either. I could be killed at anytime really. I got a lot of enemies you know?" By this time my Ma looked ready to cry.

"If I was afraid to die I would never leave the house. Sure, I don't wanna die, but I'm not afraid of it."

"So why don't you want to go to Vietnam then?"

"Because I can't guarantee the safety of my family if I'm in "Nam. I have a kid brother and sister that look to me for protection. If I don't work, somebody doesn't eat, the lights get cut off, or the water. I've been the breadwinner since I was 10. That's why I don't wanna go to 'Nam. Why I can't go to "Nam."

I was heated by now. All this talking beginning to get to me. It really wasn't fair. Those damn Soc kids got doctors to fake illnesses for them, had parents that paid for them to go to college, and money that bribed draft officers. And what did we get? Sentences that were bigger than our crimes, broken homes, and no opportunity.

"Give me a day and I'll give you an answer tomorrow."

"He only has a few days." I looked over and Ma was crying. Real tears too. I took her arm and nodded towards the doctor. We walked to the door.

"You're a good son Timothy."

That night I was expecting a decent sleep, but Curly had other ideas. He waited until everybody was sleep and he called my name.

"Tim." I turned over and looked at him.

"What?" His eyes were big and round. He looked more like 5 than 15.

"I found your card. Why didn't you say nothin'?" I was fully awake now.

"You weren't supposed to find it." Wow I sound like an idiot.

"I got that. Figured that's why you hid it from me." Curly has always been more emotional than me. On the outside anyway. That's because he was allowed to be. I had to stay calm, take care of things. Stuff like that.

"Me and Ma are taking care of it. We're trying to get me a deferment."

"So you ain't going then?" Of course he ignored the trying part. He tried to sound casual but he couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice. I don't make a habit to lie to Curly. To anybody really, except the Fuzz and parole officers. So I did what any good brother would do, and gave a noncommittal answer.

"Probably not." But probably so.

He was about to say something but he just turned his back and said he was tired.

I honestly thought he was gonna ask to share my bed like when we were kids. And that's where I draw the line.

"Night Chucky."

He threw a pillow at me and gave me a real laugh. Ever since he was 6 and found out people named Charles were nicknamed Chucky he hated it. So naturally I used to tease him about it a lot.

I waited until his breath was even until I went to sleep myself.

The next morning, Curly cornered me and Ma and asked to come with us. I had to drag him to the car and drop him off at school.

I felt bad for pushing him away but I couldn't take the uneasy looks and stunted conversation. I usually couldn't make him shut up. I half expected Ma to break down and let him come with us, but she stayed strong and told him no.

We went back to the office were Dr. Debane was waiting for us.

He handed me the letter and smiled.

"I like to think I'm a good judge of character. So don't make me regret this. I want you to take this letter to the service board. If it's not enough, tell them to call me. My number is listed there."

I shook his hand. There was no small talk. We parted ways. He to his office, and us to the car. Ma could barely contain herself.

"Tim it's gotta work. Nothing else has worked for us in this life. This has to be it. This has to be the one thing." It was times like these that I remembered how she used to be a good mom. Back when there was no pills and beer. I agreed with her. We never got any breaks. I felt we deserved this one.

I wanted to wait another day before we went to the service board. I needed to tell Angela my number was called, if Curly hadn't already. He's never been one to keep a secret from Angela. But Ma was adamant that we do it now. She didn't want to break our good luck streak. I just rolled my eyes and drove to the building.

I noticed there were a lot of young guys here. Some only enlisting because they had nowhere else to go. Made me think of Dallas.

My concentration was broke when my ma unnecessarily announced we were here.

No, I just stopped the car! I knew I was in a mood, but the reality of the situation was just now hitting me. Nothing ever worked out the way we wanted it to. Why would it this time? I convinced myself that they were gonna say no before I even walked through the doors. Ma stayed in the car. I'm not a kid and I don't need her to cause a scene.

I walked to the end of the line and waited. There was three guys in front of me. One was at the front desk and I couldn't hear what he was saying. One enlisted and the other was a draftee. They both looked at each other with unveiled disgust. I wasn't bothered. I couldn't care less if they both went off and died. I'm here for me.

The kid who enlisted got to the front of the line and the recruiter smiled. Told him he was brave. Blah blah blah. Sounded scripted to me, but the kid couldn't tell. Guess no one ever cared enough to tell him any of that stuff. And these are the kids they preyed on.

The guy before me said he was answering a summons, and the recruiter looked disappointed. Like he should have been another volunteer. Well, I guess he's just going to have to be disappointed because I'm a dodger. Or I hope to be. After 5 minutes I was getting antsy. The recruiter was giving the guy in front of me a hard time.

I'm not patient at the best of times. I wanted to mouth off, but I didn't need somebody on the inside against me already. My eye caught something on the desk. It was a large poster against draft-dodgers.

Lousy fuckers. They put it there to discourage people from avoiding 'Nam. I briefly wondered how many people it worked on.

I was finally next.

"How can I help you young man?" Say you made a mistake and got the wrong Tim?

"I got my card. Came to get a deferment." I wasn't sure how to phrase this in any other way. I'd never been in this situation before. I hated it. I like to know what I'm getting into. Have a plan, and a backup plan too. I need to be in control.

"Deferment? You mean you want to dodge? Do you know how many good American boys have died so you can be free?" I think the guy actually believed his own crap.

"You mean the ones who never wanted to be there and had no choice? Probably a lot." I couldn't help myself. The guy acted like I should want to go get shot at. I must not have been the first person to tell him like it is, because he merely told me to go to room 2B.

I walked down the hallway and found room 2B. It was empty. I looked around until I made eye contact with a rep. He told me to go on in and wait.

I walked in and took a seat on the tiny chair. The room was freezing. I was used to this. It was like being questioned down at the station. They did everything they could to make you uncomfortable so you would cave. I liked this. I knew what to do in this situation. I had a little more control now. I almost relaxed.

A huge man came in. Intimidation. They play dirty, but I had fought guys just as big. You can't let them know you're nervous. I looked him straight in the eye. The corner of his mouth turned up slightly.

"And who do we have here?" He had the damn clipboard in his hand with all my info on it. He knew who I was.

"Timothy Shepard."

"So you want a deferment?" The clipboard showed that too.

"I need one."

"Explain your situation and we'll see." I decided not to waste time. Ma was probably in the car fit to be tied.

"Hardship." He seemed let down. Like he expected a better answer.

"A lot of people are poor." This was routine to him. I wasn't a real person to him, just another potential soldier. I wasn't a real living body that he could send to his grave, just a prospective weapon.

"Yeah well I got people depending on me to live."

"You have dependents?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what exactly?" He was enjoying this too much. I was of a mind to leave.

"My Ma legally can't support them so she relies on me."

"Can you support that. We don't go off of mere word here." Clearly asshole.

I handed him the letter. Which I only now realized I hadn't read. He kept glancing at me and back down again. He stood up and told me to wait here. Another guy walked into the room.

So I was right, the big guy was just for intimidation. If the posters in the lobby didn't work, then they brought out the muscle. I passed the first two parts, but I couldn't afford to get cocky.

"Hmm." He hadn't looked at me yet. Just kept going hmm. He was waiting for me to break. Since I didn't have all day I bit the bullet.

"What is it?"

"Dr. Debane thinks real highly of you. You know that?" I didn't answer. I wasn't supposed to. I knew this game too. Break the other guy down. Never let him see your cards before he's revealed his. I was really wishing I had of read that letter now.

"Says you're the only help your family's got. Have two minor siblings and a mother who can't medically take care of herself or them without you. Also says you've been picking up the slack for some years now." He finally looked at me. I was supposed to answer now.

"That's all true."

"Well, I would hope it was. We don't take kindly to forged letters."

"He wrote down his number. Call him."

"Oh we will. We take every case seriously. We'll have our men contact this doctor and give you word in 3 to 5 business days."

"Do I still have to do the physical preliminary test until then?"

"No. You can put it off until we get this cleared up."

"Is that all?"

"For now? Yes."

I walked back to the car. I was hoping for an answer today, but at least I didn't get a flat out no. Things could have been worse.

"How did it go? They're taking you aren't they? I knew it. We never-

"Calm down. They gave me an extension until they sort stuff out with Debane. Check to see if our story is real."

"Ok. Then there's still hope." Only she phrased it like a question. I made the long drive home where Angela was sitting on the porch with a smoke. I knew by the look on her face that Curly told her.

"So I'm the last to know huh? Thought you said you'd tell me?"

"I'm here now. Get inside and find Curly. I ain't doing this twice." She looked ready to argue. "Just do it Angel." She huffed but went and got Curly.

"They said no." It wasn't a question.

"No. They said to give it a few days until they could verify our situation. We might have people come by to see how we're living. Just act normal."

"So there's still hope then?" This came from Angela. She sounded just like mom.

"Yeah. Look I'm real tired I'm about to get some sleep."

I knew I was being selfish. These could be their last days with me, and here I was avoiding them. But why shouldn't I? I never got to be selfish. I always have to put them first. I nearly believed my bull. If only I could get their frightened looks out my mind. They don't hide their fear as well as me.

I rolled out of bed and sat down on the sofa. They looked genuinely surprised to see me.

"Wasn't as tired as I thought." I don't apologize. I just snatched the remote from Curly and turned to the game. This was the best I could do. Spend time with them. Curly would normally fight me for it, but not tonight.

We sat in silence until Angela started crying. Then Curly kept sniffing. Trying to hide his tears. I don't do the best comforting, but I do alright.

"Angel I'm not gone. I'm sitting right here." I did my best to sound exasperated.

"Yeah! But it might be your last time sitting there."

"Shut up Angela. He don't need to hear that. Don't you think he knows that?" Curly left the room, but we all heard his voice crack.

I slid closer to her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I just let her cry. No words were needed.

"Sorry Tim. Curly's right. You got enough worries."

"Yeah, and I don't need y'all worrying about me. That's my job. Me and Ma will handle it. And if this don't work, I'll go to 'Nam and come back in a year."

"I'm not a kid anymore Tim. I know it ain't that simple. The boys who go over there. They don't come back the same. They're all messed up."

"I'm already messed up."

"Stop joking Tim. I'm serious."

"What should I be doing? Moping? That won't change anything. I don't like what they're trying to make me do, but if I have to go I will come back."

"You can't promise that Tim." It was a while before I answered.

"I know. Do you want me to say I won't then?"

"No. Just don't go. You can go to Canada."

"And who will take care of y'all?"

"Dammit Tim you can't go. They got plenty of other boys to choose from. Why is it always us?" I had been wondering that since I got the card. We don't have anything else to give because we're so poor. Nothing else to give except our lives. Apparently they weren't worth as much as others.

"I don't know Angie, but it'll work out this time." She didn't ask me how and I was grateful. She just said I needed to check on Curly. She was right.

I pushed open the door and he was face down on the bed sobbing.

"Get out Tim." He was embarrassed I caught him crying, even though everyone knew that he left to do just that. I rolled my eyes at his logic.

"It's already not my room no more?" I shouldn't have joked like that but I was starting to get annoyed. I was the one who might have to leave, shouldn't they be comforting me?

"Stop that." He was angry now. Good. Angry Curly I could handle. Sad Curly was more complicated.

"Look I'm not dead. I'm standing right here."

"Tim it's not a joke. You could.. you could-

"I could be killed." He grimaced. "But I could also make it. Not everybody dies." He was crying again.

"I might never see you again. I can't take care of us. We need you. I'm not the Shepard we need. I'm just Tim's kid brother."

"You're not just my kid brother. You're Curly. You can hold your own, and will if you have to."

"Tim. I don't want you to die." He was full on sobbing now. I couldn't hold him like I did Angela, so I settled for putting my hand on his shoulder.

"I know Curly. And I don't want to. I just need you to calm down until we know what's going to happen." Curly might not always do what I tell him, but he always listens. He hangs onto my every word. It scares me sometimes. But I only have myself to blame. I drilled it into him to only trust me, and now he does.

"Ok. I can calm down, but if this don't work we're going to Canada." What is with everybody and Canada? I smirked.

"So you'd run with me?"

"Of course. This war might last 3 more years." Damn. I hadn't really thought about that. If this war didn't end soon we'd have to worry about Curly too.

"You ain't gonna get drafted." This settled his nerves some. Not much. Like I said he always listens to me.

"You did. Nothing stopping them from getting me too. I get drafted and I'm outta here. I ain't no coward, but I ain't got no business in The Jungle."

"Well we don't have to worry about this for another three years. So calm down and get some sleep."

The house was unnaturally quiet that night. I doubt anybody was actually sleeping.

The next three days were hell. I split my time between the gang and at home. We had an unsaid rule. Everytime the phone would ring I would answer it.

Today the phone rang when we were all basically sitting down and staring at each other. I walked over and answered it.

"This Mr. Timothy Shepard?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"This is a representative of the deferment committee of the selective service."

I waited for him to continue.

"I'm calling to inform you that we have reviewed your file, and find you unable to be active in duty. You request for a deferment has been granted….."

I stopped listening. It worked. I was so sure that it wouldn't.

"Mr. Shepard?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you get that?"

"Yeah. Do I gotta come sign something?"

"No, you will receive your deferment status through the mail within the following weeks. Do you have any other questions?"

"No."

"Well you have a good day sir."

I hung up the phone and turned around.

They were all waiting with pensive stares.

"It worked." I still couldn't quite believe it. Something finally worked to our advantage.

Ma and Angela were crying. Curly just had a dumb grin on his face. I probably had one on mines too.

A weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I dodged The Jungle.

I love reading about Tim, but I don't do so well writing him. Feel free to leave pointers.