A/N: Hi everyone! This is my very first fic, and I'm not quite sure how long it will be or in exactly what direction I'm going to take it. I do have a few ideas so we'll see how it plays out! I, of course, welcome any and all reviews. I am looking for a beta so if anyone's interested, PM me and I'll give you my email! Also, I obviously do not own any of these characters. They belong solely to J.K. Rowling, her attorneys and any other official parties-I'm just playing with them for a bit :) Any similarities to other writers' fics, published works by any author, etc. is strictly unintentional and let me know if you guys notice anything iffy. Italics are flashbacks-so this chapter goes present-past-present. I did utilize Severus's death scene from DH as a basis for this story, but that scenario also belongs solely to The Queen Rowling. This fic is protected under the Fair Use of the almighty copyright act; it is solely for entertainment purposes and is not for profit or monetary gain. The title of this story and chapter allude to The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot. Enjoy!
Chapter 1: A Hollow Man
Severus Snape stood, stiff and grimly, on the roof of Hogwarts' Astronomy tower. In lieu of Aurora Sinistra's untimely death in the Battle of Hogwarts, its doors had since remained unlocked. The Astronomy tower was the tallest of the three, and provided a panoramic view of the land surrounding Hogwarts, from the nearby Quidditch pitch to far into the Forbidden Forest. Severus could even see the outskirts of Hogsmeade in the distance.
One thing that escaped his gaze was the infamous Shrieking Shack, home to a plethora of shame and terror, most notably where he so nearly met his death. He could, however, see very well the ground below him, craggy with rock and sparse shrubbery.
Severus turned his head to the night sky, and noticed with a wry grin that Mars was (yet again) bright that evening. Thinking of the almost intolerably wise centaurs populating the Forest, he wondered if they had prophesied Nagini's attack. If they had foreseen how he would receive it, how his reaction would play out, when his true death would occur. If, Severus wondered with a thought of "Most definitely not,", he would greet Death as an old friend.
His death. He was so close, yearned for it. For months, then, he had silently begged for the end of his double life. It had become too much to handle-the endless atonement for sins long since past, the constant threat of shaming and torture. Either way, whether it be the side of the Dark or of the Light, Severus was still hated. Seen as a snake, a coward. And so, as Nagini slithered toward him, the repulsive animal she was,
"Kill me. Come on, just do it." Severus welcomed the attack with open arms, a coward to the last moment. Rather than ride out his tribulations and try and make the world recognize him without bias and ostracization, he made a split-second decision. To go down without a fight, to simply allow Nagini to end it all. Because, since boyhood, Severus had hated himself. He must have done something to deserve his father's hatred, James Potter's constant humiliation, Albus's perpetual scorn. It was a fact he had tried to deny, but it was nevertheless true. Over the years, Severus had come to realize that "There must be something wrong with me."
In that moment of impending death, Severus figured that the world would always come to find something wrong with him. He couldn't fix it, had never been able to fix it, so he decided to self-indulge. To go to an unknown place where he could start new. He could forge a new identity if the afterlife allowed, could live a death free from the prejudice he had always known.
"All right, Nagini. What are you waiting for? You've begged your master for a taste of my flesh since the night I took the Mark. Come to me."
So, Nagini chose to satisfy Severus's fervent wish. The bites were of the worst pain; they were a series of searing and blinding jabs in his body, the most terrible invasions that Severus had ever felt. Worse, even, than the Cruciatus. The experience was made even more intolerable by the fact that it was born of his own cowardice. For what seemed like hours with the blasted Golden Trio hovering over his limp form as a witness to his weakness, he convulsed in pain, in longing for what would come after.
Then, it seemed, fate threw a wrench in his journey to the peace of eternal sleep. Severus looked into the Potter boy's face and saw that of Potter's father, James. He was consumed with an inherent need for a final revenge of sorts. He needed for Potter to comprehend the nature of Severus himself and the extent of the taunting nature of the unfairly idolized James he knew. Severus gave his own memories to the boy, dangerous memories encapsulating all of James's cruelty, Lily's blatant ignoring of it, and the awful, most difficult sacrifice Harry would have to make in order to 'save the world' and make Severus's suffering worth it all.
But in Potter's eyes, Severus also saw the memory of Lily still dear to his heart. The part that would tell him that he was enduring Nagini's pain for all the wrong reasons. He had spent his entire life resenting being perceived as a coward, a despicable person, yet his final actions were making it so. At that moment, the agony became thousands of times more intense, and Severus knew that he could not handle death nor life. He couldn't make the choice on his own, so he handed it over to those who had always held his life in their hands.
"Lily, Albus...I am on the brink of death. Help me cross the bridge or send me back to its beginning."
Now, a year later, things had changed. Things had happened. Severus didn't know which side of the bridge he had truly wanted the dead to choose for him. He didn't know what they wanted him to accomplish in his continuation of life. He felt pointless, lacking purpose. Numbly, devoid of feeling, he walked to the precipice of the Astronomy tower. He breathed in the crisp night air and gathered his entire essence into a tight knot in his solar plexus. On his exhale, he released it from him in a wash of magic that rolled away from him over the hills of Hogwarts, and every person present felt it.
Oh his exhale, Severus Snape jumped.