Authors note: Little Red Riding Hood 2002. Sure as hell will be the dandiest story you ever read. You may want to: watch Lord of The Rings, The Faculty, Star Wars, Spiderman, Cruel Intentions, and the Nestea commercials; read Lord of the Rings, the Secret Diaries of Lord of the Rings Characters (http://diaries.diagon.org/), and Little Red Riding Hood; and just go along with the Fruit Beer Soda business and various other quotes that are from the personal life of me. Also, some words are, "home-made"... use your imagination! Muah, it's grrreat!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, a coconut fell and hit me on the head. I looked up and noticed a tipsy Nestea Snowman 30 feet high standing on a cherry picker.
DAMN, I've been tweaking out like Casey (K.C. not Kahssee, *aparently*) Conner does with caffeine up his ass in The Faculty with that fukalicious Fruit Beer Soda Yoda gave me.
Note to self: cool it with the Fruit Beer Soda!
Anyways, I was off to my Grandma's house in my red cape with a basket of goodies for Grandma, who was sick. Then, this guy with a long nose and uber-bushy chest hair (whose front teeth were dripping in blood) convinced me to head down one of those dark NYC-like alleyways you see in cheap horror movies. Otherwise known as the valley of the shadow of death, because this guy turned out to be a wolf. Dammit, why don't people tell me these things!?!?! But, being tweaked out, I wasn't exactly sane enough to be aware of all this.
Lucky me, the coconut bounced off me and knocked Mr. Wolf out. But I hallucinated much still from that nasty knocking on my noggin. Then, the visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head with the Nestea Snowman wore off. Damn. Where's Yoda when you need him?
I had to pee, so I left Mr. Wolf there and ran to the park. I headed towards a bush and had unzipped my pants when I saw these four midgets with hairy feet running towards me. At first, I thought nothing of them until the tallest one tried to shove a carrot square up my... nevermind.
Anyways, after about twenty minutes of this, I started to enjoy it. The midget with blond hair was trying trying to do the same thing to the one with the pouty lip and blue eyes, but this other midget named "Sam" said he would kill him (Blondie) if he tried anything (with Blue Eyes). Curious about the name of my midget, I asked.
"Meridoc Brandybuck," he replied.
"What the...!? Randyfuck? Get off me!" I screamed in horror. Damn New Yorker wannabes.
"BRandyBUCK," the "Sam" guy corrected me. I threw a pastry at him and ran away.
Damn little midgets sure as hell can run fast. They caught up to me. "Why the hell are you here?" I asked, slightly annoyed. Grandma was sick, and needed my pastries. I even made her a batch of Fruit Beer Soda: a delectable blend of cheap artificial lemon juice, Walmart-brand Cream Soda, rip-off blueberry juice (from Safeway only) and A&W Root Beer. Gives you the nastiest tweak of your life. Talk about literally bouncing off the walls.
So anyways, Blue Eyes responded to my question. "I'm on a fatalistic journey to throw this ring into a volcano, which will not only destroy it but also destroy it's evil master, an eyeball with serious control-freak/maniac issues, as well. See, we were with this wizard, and he was showing us his patented pointy hat trick, when sparks started shooting from... " The little dude closed his eyes in an expression that clearly showed he had been scarred for life. "Anyways, then we were here. Gandalf, the wizard, he disappeared. So did the others: 2 men, Boromir and Aragorn, who never wash their hair and keep hitting on me; a pretty elf-boy; and a grimy, grumpy dwarf. I'm Frodo. Wanna fuck?"
Did I ever tell you I'm from Surrey? Walley, if you want to be specific. So, naturally, I said yes. We lost the other midgets in Superstore. They couldn't resist munching on the veggies, and got taken in by security. Sure is handy dandy to have security guards.
So then, Blue Eyes and me, we were right in the middle of an... interesting... session... when all of a sudden we heard this huge screeching noise. We looked at the cloudy Vancouver sky above and saw this mutated man on steroids with a cheesy green silicon face mask. As he floated down in front of us on his obviously computer animated gilder-business, he cackled a girly cackle.
"D-d-DANG yOU! S-s-SPIDerMAN!!!" stuttered what I affectionately call the Steroid Boy. Obviously, he was drunk on mouthwash. He reeked horribly of cheap Superstore-brand "mint".
I raised an eyebrow. Steroid Boy had interrupted one of the best moments of my life. I mean, my fling with Blue Eyes was right up there with my Fruit Beer Soda Tweak-Off with Yoda and my carrot incident with the other midgets. I had to say something to this jerk-ass.
"ExCUSE me? Can't you see I'm just a LITTLE busy at the moment?! Blue Eyes here sure can do one hellava pointy hat trick, who needs this "Gandalf" anyways? And who is this Spiderdick?"
All of a sudden, I saw this long stringy web come shooting down from the sky. I was starting to think that maybe acid rain just a little bit of a problem, but my ignorance returned when I saw a hot tamale in red and blue spandex with a spider on it come swinging down. So this must be Spiderdick. Hot Tamale shot another web from his wrist and... hey...
"Yo, buddy!" I shouted. "If your this "Spiderman" character, some kind of human spider, shouldn't the web come shooting out from your ass?"
Spiderdick...Hot Tamale...er...SPIDERMAN perched on the wall. "Well, I used to do that, but see, I really like refried beans... yeah. And, well... the web wasn't exactly turning out white all the time." He blushed, then continued. "And, you know, I was bursting the seams of too many pants when I was eating lunch in the cafeteria of the newsroom. And with Gorden Campbell's cutbacks, spandex is expensive these days."
I rolled my eyes. This guy SO did not know how to flirt. "Well then," I said. "If you'll excuse me, deal with Steroid Boy over yonder while I go back to my adventure with Blue Eyes."
"Excuse me, I'm Frodo," said Blue Eyes meekly.
"Get down! And shut up!" I got all Cruel Intentions on the poor boy, I must admit. "Prepare for the fuck of a lifetime!" I threatened Blue Eyes. "And you two," I said to Steroid Boy and Spiderdick, "I shall kick your ass all over this joint if thou dare-est eavesdrop-eth on-eth me-eth!"
I reckon that Spiderdick had a long and brutal fight with Steroid Boy that lasted for the greater part of an hour which featured a series of traps and impossible stunts. But as i said, I only reckon so, seeing as I was... er... busy... Yeah.
Anywho, one of Steroid Boy's pumpkin-bombs flew astray and singed Blue Eyes' hair. It also burned my cape to a crisp, but I must say that thing was getting rather old. The little-girl-in-the-red-cape routine only gets you so far. Blue Eyes and me were about ready to carry on, when this bat out of hell came roaring in.
It was the midget named Sam. Just as he swore he'd kill anyone who tried something with Frodo, he killed Steroid Boy. A bit of a maniac, this midget was, as I can hardly see anyone sane believing that throwing a bomb at someone counts as trying to get in their pants... But who knows? Maybe that is normal midget behaviour, and Blue Eyes is just one of the girly, gay types. Hmm.
So then, Spiderdick pledged his forever service to Spam... er, SAM... and everything was just peachy. Then this greasy haired, thinks-hes-a-studmuffin-but-hes-so-not type comes walking up, and tries to get in on my thing with Blue Eyes. Spam come running at our newly-formed threesome with a pick-axe, and I bolted. Spiderdick, having pledged service, joined in on the fight.
Some blood squirted me, and I winced. As I was recoiling in horror, I heard a scream. "Oh my GOD, they killed Kenny!" It was Randyfuck.
We all stared at him with a look of disgust. Well, no. All of us but Blue Eyes did this. Blue Eyes had on his eternal lips-parted-blue-eyeshawdowed-eyes-wide-in-terror look. Randyfuck blushed.
"Er... Aragorn." He coughed and pretending to be very interested in counting pebbles. No one spoke.
Three hours later, my foot was falling asleep and I was feeling very horny and anxious to get back to my shindig with Blue Eyes. I figured I could speed things up. "So... guys..." I said. "So what if Grease Monkey is dead. Spidey here can take his place! Sound like a plan?"
"But there is a problem, ma'am." It was Blue Eyes. Holy hell, I had this guy eating out of the palm of my hand! Ma'am!
"What?" I asked. Some people.
"Well... I think I know how to get back. But going back would mean losing you, and I love you," whimpered Blue Eyes timidly. Aw. The poor bugger was head over heels for me. But wait a tick...
"But you said you didn't know how you got here! You lied to me!" I exploded.
"Er..." Blue Eyes began twiddling his thumbs. "See, while Gandalf was putting on his... display... I, er..."
"What he means to say," interrupted Spam, "is that he put on his Ork-skin condom Elrond gave him. Supposed to have magical powers, it is. That's why we're in 2002, a millennia after our time."
At this point, I started freaking out. Not tweaking, freaking. See, this was crazier than any of my tweak out sessions. I mean, hello! I just had screwed a guy who was old enough to be my Great Grandpa times 20. And the guy didn't come here through a genie lamp, or a flying carpet, or a time machine. Nooo. He came to me through a MAGIC CONDOM! My life whomps sometimes. But what the hell, he was better than anything Whalley had to offer.
"That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me!" I exclaimed. "...Your love confession, not the condom thing," I added, after seeing the expressions of what-the-hell-is-she-on coming from the crowd that had formed.
So yeah, fairytale ending. We you-knowed, right there in the street, took Grandma her pastries, traveled back through time with the magic condom and lived happily ever after. The End. Sniff, sniff.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, a coconut fell and hit me on the head. I looked up and noticed a tipsy Nestea Snowman 30 feet high standing on a cherry picker.
DAMN, I've been tweaking out like Casey (K.C. not Kahssee, *aparently*) Conner does with caffeine up his ass in The Faculty with that fukalicious Fruit Beer Soda Yoda gave me.
Note to self: cool it with the Fruit Beer Soda!
Anyways, I was off to my Grandma's house in my red cape with a basket of goodies for Grandma, who was sick. Then, this guy with a long nose and uber-bushy chest hair (whose front teeth were dripping in blood) convinced me to head down one of those dark NYC-like alleyways you see in cheap horror movies. Otherwise known as the valley of the shadow of death, because this guy turned out to be a wolf. Dammit, why don't people tell me these things!?!?! But, being tweaked out, I wasn't exactly sane enough to be aware of all this.
Lucky me, the coconut bounced off me and knocked Mr. Wolf out. But I hallucinated much still from that nasty knocking on my noggin. Then, the visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head with the Nestea Snowman wore off. Damn. Where's Yoda when you need him?
I had to pee, so I left Mr. Wolf there and ran to the park. I headed towards a bush and had unzipped my pants when I saw these four midgets with hairy feet running towards me. At first, I thought nothing of them until the tallest one tried to shove a carrot square up my... nevermind.
Anyways, after about twenty minutes of this, I started to enjoy it. The midget with blond hair was trying trying to do the same thing to the one with the pouty lip and blue eyes, but this other midget named "Sam" said he would kill him (Blondie) if he tried anything (with Blue Eyes). Curious about the name of my midget, I asked.
"Meridoc Brandybuck," he replied.
"What the...!? Randyfuck? Get off me!" I screamed in horror. Damn New Yorker wannabes.
"BRandyBUCK," the "Sam" guy corrected me. I threw a pastry at him and ran away.
Damn little midgets sure as hell can run fast. They caught up to me. "Why the hell are you here?" I asked, slightly annoyed. Grandma was sick, and needed my pastries. I even made her a batch of Fruit Beer Soda: a delectable blend of cheap artificial lemon juice, Walmart-brand Cream Soda, rip-off blueberry juice (from Safeway only) and A&W Root Beer. Gives you the nastiest tweak of your life. Talk about literally bouncing off the walls.
So anyways, Blue Eyes responded to my question. "I'm on a fatalistic journey to throw this ring into a volcano, which will not only destroy it but also destroy it's evil master, an eyeball with serious control-freak/maniac issues, as well. See, we were with this wizard, and he was showing us his patented pointy hat trick, when sparks started shooting from... " The little dude closed his eyes in an expression that clearly showed he had been scarred for life. "Anyways, then we were here. Gandalf, the wizard, he disappeared. So did the others: 2 men, Boromir and Aragorn, who never wash their hair and keep hitting on me; a pretty elf-boy; and a grimy, grumpy dwarf. I'm Frodo. Wanna fuck?"
Did I ever tell you I'm from Surrey? Walley, if you want to be specific. So, naturally, I said yes. We lost the other midgets in Superstore. They couldn't resist munching on the veggies, and got taken in by security. Sure is handy dandy to have security guards.
So then, Blue Eyes and me, we were right in the middle of an... interesting... session... when all of a sudden we heard this huge screeching noise. We looked at the cloudy Vancouver sky above and saw this mutated man on steroids with a cheesy green silicon face mask. As he floated down in front of us on his obviously computer animated gilder-business, he cackled a girly cackle.
"D-d-DANG yOU! S-s-SPIDerMAN!!!" stuttered what I affectionately call the Steroid Boy. Obviously, he was drunk on mouthwash. He reeked horribly of cheap Superstore-brand "mint".
I raised an eyebrow. Steroid Boy had interrupted one of the best moments of my life. I mean, my fling with Blue Eyes was right up there with my Fruit Beer Soda Tweak-Off with Yoda and my carrot incident with the other midgets. I had to say something to this jerk-ass.
"ExCUSE me? Can't you see I'm just a LITTLE busy at the moment?! Blue Eyes here sure can do one hellava pointy hat trick, who needs this "Gandalf" anyways? And who is this Spiderdick?"
All of a sudden, I saw this long stringy web come shooting down from the sky. I was starting to think that maybe acid rain just a little bit of a problem, but my ignorance returned when I saw a hot tamale in red and blue spandex with a spider on it come swinging down. So this must be Spiderdick. Hot Tamale shot another web from his wrist and... hey...
"Yo, buddy!" I shouted. "If your this "Spiderman" character, some kind of human spider, shouldn't the web come shooting out from your ass?"
Spiderdick...Hot Tamale...er...SPIDERMAN perched on the wall. "Well, I used to do that, but see, I really like refried beans... yeah. And, well... the web wasn't exactly turning out white all the time." He blushed, then continued. "And, you know, I was bursting the seams of too many pants when I was eating lunch in the cafeteria of the newsroom. And with Gorden Campbell's cutbacks, spandex is expensive these days."
I rolled my eyes. This guy SO did not know how to flirt. "Well then," I said. "If you'll excuse me, deal with Steroid Boy over yonder while I go back to my adventure with Blue Eyes."
"Excuse me, I'm Frodo," said Blue Eyes meekly.
"Get down! And shut up!" I got all Cruel Intentions on the poor boy, I must admit. "Prepare for the fuck of a lifetime!" I threatened Blue Eyes. "And you two," I said to Steroid Boy and Spiderdick, "I shall kick your ass all over this joint if thou dare-est eavesdrop-eth on-eth me-eth!"
I reckon that Spiderdick had a long and brutal fight with Steroid Boy that lasted for the greater part of an hour which featured a series of traps and impossible stunts. But as i said, I only reckon so, seeing as I was... er... busy... Yeah.
Anywho, one of Steroid Boy's pumpkin-bombs flew astray and singed Blue Eyes' hair. It also burned my cape to a crisp, but I must say that thing was getting rather old. The little-girl-in-the-red-cape routine only gets you so far. Blue Eyes and me were about ready to carry on, when this bat out of hell came roaring in.
It was the midget named Sam. Just as he swore he'd kill anyone who tried something with Frodo, he killed Steroid Boy. A bit of a maniac, this midget was, as I can hardly see anyone sane believing that throwing a bomb at someone counts as trying to get in their pants... But who knows? Maybe that is normal midget behaviour, and Blue Eyes is just one of the girly, gay types. Hmm.
So then, Spiderdick pledged his forever service to Spam... er, SAM... and everything was just peachy. Then this greasy haired, thinks-hes-a-studmuffin-but-hes-so-not type comes walking up, and tries to get in on my thing with Blue Eyes. Spam come running at our newly-formed threesome with a pick-axe, and I bolted. Spiderdick, having pledged service, joined in on the fight.
Some blood squirted me, and I winced. As I was recoiling in horror, I heard a scream. "Oh my GOD, they killed Kenny!" It was Randyfuck.
We all stared at him with a look of disgust. Well, no. All of us but Blue Eyes did this. Blue Eyes had on his eternal lips-parted-blue-eyeshawdowed-eyes-wide-in-terror look. Randyfuck blushed.
"Er... Aragorn." He coughed and pretending to be very interested in counting pebbles. No one spoke.
Three hours later, my foot was falling asleep and I was feeling very horny and anxious to get back to my shindig with Blue Eyes. I figured I could speed things up. "So... guys..." I said. "So what if Grease Monkey is dead. Spidey here can take his place! Sound like a plan?"
"But there is a problem, ma'am." It was Blue Eyes. Holy hell, I had this guy eating out of the palm of my hand! Ma'am!
"What?" I asked. Some people.
"Well... I think I know how to get back. But going back would mean losing you, and I love you," whimpered Blue Eyes timidly. Aw. The poor bugger was head over heels for me. But wait a tick...
"But you said you didn't know how you got here! You lied to me!" I exploded.
"Er..." Blue Eyes began twiddling his thumbs. "See, while Gandalf was putting on his... display... I, er..."
"What he means to say," interrupted Spam, "is that he put on his Ork-skin condom Elrond gave him. Supposed to have magical powers, it is. That's why we're in 2002, a millennia after our time."
At this point, I started freaking out. Not tweaking, freaking. See, this was crazier than any of my tweak out sessions. I mean, hello! I just had screwed a guy who was old enough to be my Great Grandpa times 20. And the guy didn't come here through a genie lamp, or a flying carpet, or a time machine. Nooo. He came to me through a MAGIC CONDOM! My life whomps sometimes. But what the hell, he was better than anything Whalley had to offer.
"That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me!" I exclaimed. "...Your love confession, not the condom thing," I added, after seeing the expressions of what-the-hell-is-she-on coming from the crowd that had formed.
So yeah, fairytale ending. We you-knowed, right there in the street, took Grandma her pastries, traveled back through time with the magic condom and lived happily ever after. The End. Sniff, sniff.