INTRODUCTION
Two teams. Reliable Excavation and Demolition (RED) and Builders League United (BLU). Both at war with each other. All had access to their own mercenaries, identical in abilities, different in color. If one of them was killed in battle, they would simply be brought back to their starting point. Each team consisted of a scout, soldier, pyro, demoman, heavy, engineer, medic, sniper, and spy.
MEET THE SCOUT
The RED team was preparing for battle. The one up front was a scout known as Lars. He was armed with a scattergun, pistol, and an aluminum baseball bat. He ran out into the field at speeds beyond that of his teammates, avoiding the enemy's coming gunfire. He fired at the enemy's with his scattergun, making it into the base, evading a coming train, and making it to the objective.
In another room, Lars was being interviewed.
Lars: Um. I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talking to?
At the objective, a heavy was guarding it while eating a sandwich. Lars tapped him in the head with his aluminum bat.
Lars: Yo, what's up?
In the interview room...
Lars: Do you have any idea? Any idea who I am?
At the objective...
The heavy started swinging punches that Lars was ducking and avoiding.
In the interview room...
Lars: Basically...kind of a big deal.
At the objective, Lars was holding the heavy in a neck lock with his bat.
In the interview room...
Lars was looking at his muscles.
Lars: Oh man that's beautiful.
At the objective, the heavy was holding Lars in a full body grasp.
In the interview room...
Lars: Are you listening? Ok. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and, brother, I hurt people.
At the objective, Lars hit the heavy in the stomach with his bat.
Lars: Boink!
In the interview...
Lars: I'm a force of nature.
At the objective, Lars hit the heavy upside the head with his bat.
Lars: Boink!
In the interview...
Lars: If you were from, where I was from, you'd be f***ing dead!
At the objective, Lars jumped through the air, and slammed his bat into the head of the heavy.
Lars: Whoo!
Later, Lars was eating the heavy's sandwich on top of the heavy's body.
MEET THE SOLDIER
The Soldier of the RED team, named Steven Universe, was drilling a group of soldiers in BLU helmets.
Steven: If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that. And I say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! Then he perfected it, so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor!
In the battle, Steven was armed with a rocket launcher, shotgun, and a foldable shovel. He ran out into the battle, blasting the BLU team with a shotgun shot, and then sticking with his rocket launcher to fire on the enemies.
At the drill area...
Steven: Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth. Then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one!
In the battle Steven used a rocket to propel himself up onto a pipe, jumping over to fire a rocket at two BLU team members. He landed on the ground, and brought out a foldable shovel to smack the waiting enemy behind him.
In the drill area...
Steven: And from that day forward, anytime a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a zoo!
The soldiers turned out to be the disembodied heads of the BLU team. One of the heads fell over and Steven leaned down near it.
Steven: Unless it's a farm!
MEET THE PYRO
A man was walking across a charred landscape, decked out in RED flame proof armor, and armed with a fire axe.
In an interview room, the RED Heavy, RED Lars, and the RED Spy were being interviewed.
Heavy: I don't fear any man. But that...thing. It scares me.
On the landscape, BLU team members were scrambling for cover from the RED team member, named Onion.
In the interview room...
Lars: No, I ain't talking about that freak, alright? Wait, he's not here is he? How do I get this thing off?!
He tried to pull of his clip-on mic, knocking over the camera.
On the charred battlefield, Onion kicked the door down, holding a flamethrower out.
Interview room...
Spy: One shudders at what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask. What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty.
On the battlefield, Onion used his flamethrower to set fire to the surrounding enemies and buildings. Behind his fire proof mask, he didn't see this. He saw himself in a drug-induced fantasy land, where everything he did was happy and good. His flamethrower shot rainbows, and his bubble blower was a pistol in the real world, and a giant lollipop to him was a fire axe in the real world. When he finished, everything was charred, burned, and destroyed.
MEET THE DEMOMAN
The explosives expert, the Demoman, named Kofi, was being interviewed about what makes him a good demoman. He had an eyepatch over his right eye.
Kofi: What makes me a good demoman? If I were a bad demoman, I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing it with you, now would I?!
In the battlefield Kofi was running out with the rest of his team, with a grenade launcher.
Kofi: Let's do it!
He outran a number of explosions.
Kofi: Not one of you is going to survive this!
In the interview room...
Kofi: One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chloride, one errant twitch! And kablooey!
On the battlefield, Kofi was using his grenades to destroy turrets, and enemy mercs.
In the interview room Kofi had finsihed chugging a bottle of beer.
Kofi: I got a manky eye. I'm an African cyclops! They got more f**************s then they got the likes of me. So! T'all you fine dandies so proud! So cock sure! Prancing about with your head full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on you with a whiff of the old brimstone! I'm a grim bloody fairy tale, with an unhappy bloody end!
On the battlefield, Kofi was being chased by a number of BLU team members. He made it to a large opening, pulling out his secondary weapon, a sticky bomb launcher, that he used to set a trap for the BLU team. When they crossed it, they detonated, spreading their body parts around. Kofi leaned in on one of them.
Kofi: Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together. In hell!
MEET THE HEAVY
Greg Universe was the Heavy. He was being interviewed about his job as the heavy. He picked up and placed a large minigun on the table, and sat behind it.
Greg: Hey. I'm the heavy weapons guy. This is my weapon. She fires 200$ custom tool cartridges at 10,000 rounds per minute. It costs 400,000$ to fire this weapon, for 12 seconds. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What? Oh my God. Who touched Rose? Alright. Who touched my gun?! Heh. Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe. Maybe. But let me ask you this. Have you met anyone who can outsmart a bullet?
Greg was on the battle, shredding at the BLU team with his Rose minigun.
Greg: Wah! Wah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Cry some more!
MEET THE ENGINEER
The Engineer of the team, Buck Dewey, was sitting in front of a truck, playing a guitar.
Buck Dewey: Look, buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems.
A bullet hit the truck behind him, missing him.
Buck Dewey: Not problems like, "What is Beauty?", because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy.
Two more bullets almost hit him, hitting the truck.
Buck Dewey: I solve practical problems.
The sound of gunfire was heard, then a man screaming. A small counter next to Buck turned from 209 to 210.
Buck Dewey: For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?
A tripod mounted turret turned to fire on a coming Sniper.
Buck Dewey: The answer...
A dual Gatling gun turret fired on a BLU team member.
Buck Dewey: Is a gun. And if that don't work...
A rocket launcher turret fired into the distance.
Buck Dewey: Use more guns.
The rockets exploded as the BLU team Lars screamed.
BLU Lars: My arm!
His hand dropped next to Buck.
Buck Dewey: Like this heavy caliber tripod mounted little ole number designed by me. Built be me. And you'd best hope...not pointed at you.
All the turrets started opening fire on the coming BLU enemies.
MEET THE MEDIC
Lars and Kofi were heavily injured and on the run from the BLU team. Lars was all bandaged up with a broken arm. Kofi was in a cast and had a bandage over his head. He was in a wheelchair.
Lars: Let's go! Let's go! Almost there! Move it cyclops! Move!
Lars got hit with a rocket and knocked over. He struggled to pick himself up. He saw multiple bombs flying in on him.
Lars: Woah! Who the fuuuuuuuuu-
The bombs blasted him into a building, crashing into a window.
Lars: Medic!
Inside the building, the medic of the team, Pearl, was amidst giving Greg a heart transplant. His body was opened up, and he was kept alive with a healing beam. Pearl had his heart in her hand.
Pearl: Wait! It gets better! When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!
The two of them laughed it up.
Pearl: Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license.
She grabbed a device marked, Ubercharge. She jabbed it into Greg's heart.
Pearl: Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage. But I'm very certain you're heart..
As she put it in the healing beam, the heart exploded.
Greg: What was that noise?
Pearl: The sound of progress.
She grabbed a sample of Steven's spit and a larger heart. She plugged his spit into her healing beam, plugged the Ubercharge into the heart, and fired the healing beam on the mega heart. It started glowing brighter, and brighter, until it was metallic looking, with a red glow.
Pearl: Well, that looks good.
She dropped it into Greg's stomach.
Greg: Uh, should I be awake for this?
Pearl: No. But as long as you're awake, can you hold you're ribcage open a bit?
Greg held his ribs open, and Pearl slammed his heart into his chest, breaking a rib off his ribcage.
Pearl: Don't worry. Ribs grow back.
She turned away.
Pearl: No they don't.
She fired up the healing beam as the hole in Greg's chest sealed up along with his body armor.
Greg: Now what?
Pearl: Now. Let's go practice medicine.
She unhooked the healing gun from its stand. She and the heavy ran out into the battle, where Kofi and Lars had just barely made it to them.
Kofi: Medic!
Pearl started using the healing beam to revive the knocked out Scout and Demoman. The BLU army was closing in.
Greg: Pearl! Are you sure this will work?!
Pearl: I have no idea.
Pearl turned on a switch that caused her medigun to turn electrical. She shot it at Greg as he ran into the line of fire.
Greg: Yaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Greg's heart started beating faster. It caused his body to turn metallic, and indestructible. The two of them pushed forward, shredding through the soldiers, who couldn't penetrate the Ubercharge.
Greg: Ha ha ha! I am bulletproof!
They finished off the BLU army, and were victorious.
Later, everyone was being given an Ubercharge heart. Lars had just gotten his heart charged.
Lars: Hey thanks, Pearl. Oh, man! You wouldn't believe, how much this hurts!
MEET THE SNIPER
Garnet was driving a van, and she took her hand, and flicked a bobble head doll. She was the sniper.
Garnet: Boom. Headshot.
She was being interviewed from the van.
Garnet: Sniping is a pretty good job. Challenging work. Outdoors. You won't go hungry. Because at the end of the day, as long as two people are left on this planet, someone will want someone dead.
On the battle, Garnet sniped the BLU Greg through the head and hit the BLU Kofi's bottle, causing him to drop it into his eye. He fired his grenade launcher everywhere, and ended up falling into them, exploding.
Garnet was on the phone with her dad elsewhere.
Garnet: Dad, I'm a. Not a crazed gunman, dad. I'm an assassin. Well the difference being that one is a job and the other is mental sickness.
In the van...
Garnet: I'll be honest. My parents, don't care for it.
In battle, Garnet had climbed a tower to help by sniping. At the top, she was eyeing BLU enemies.
Garnet: I think he saw me.
A bullet hit the railing under her.
Garnet: Yes! Yes he did!
Garnet later impaled the BLU spy with a blade.
In the van...
Garnet: Feelings? You know who has feelings? Blokes that bludgeon their wives to death, with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. And have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
On the battle Garnet was sniping everyome on the BLU team in quick succesion, with efficiency and control.
MEET THE SPY
The BLU Steven was looking over the computer, when it gave off an alert.
Computer: Intruder alert! RED Spy is in the base!
BLU Steven: The RED spy is in the base?
BLU Steven grabbed a shotgun and ran to the briefcase room.
Computer: Protect the briefcase!
BLU Steven: We need to protect the briefcase!
BLU Steven saw BLU Lars trying to get into the briefcase room.
BLU Lars: Yo! A little help here?
BLU Steven: Alright hang on. I got it.
He entered the code, but the door wouldn't open. BLU Greg started running in with his minigun.
BLU Greg: Incoming!
They crashed through the door and made it to the room, ready to fire on anything.
BLU Lars: Hey! It's still here.
BLU Greg: Alright then.
The BLU Spy, Amethyst, walked in with BLU Garnet on her back.
BLU Amethyst: Boys? I see the briefcase is safe. Now tell me. Did anyone kill the RED spy on their way here? No? Then we still have a problem.
She threw BLU Garnet over on the table, and revealed a butterfly knife in the back.
BLU Steven: And a knife.
BLU Lars: Oooooh! Big problem.
He picked up the knife and started twirling it.
BLU Lars: I've killed plenty of spies. They're dime-a-dozen, backstabbing, scumbags. Like you! Ow.
He accidentally cut himself with the knife.
BLU Lars: No offense.
BLU Amethyst picked up the knife and started rapidly twirling it to close it.
BLU Amethyst: If you've managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me. And nothing like the man loose in this building. So listen up.
She gave him the knife.
BLU Amethyst: She's already breached our defenses.
Earlier, RED Amethyst had thrown an electric device on the ground to destroy the BLU Buck Dewey's turret, and then shot BLU Buck Dewey in the head with her revolver.
BLU Amethyst: You've seen what she's done to our colleagues.
RED Amethyst had beaten BLU Garnet in a knife duel and stabbed her in the back.
BLU Amethyst: Worst of all. She could be any one of us.
BLU Pearl was in another fight with RED Amethyst. She grabbed BLU Pearl's spear and morphed to look like BLU Pearl, and karate chopped her neck to kill her.
BLU Amethyst: He could be in this room. It could be you. It could be me! It could even be...
BLU Steven shot her in the head.
BLU Lars: Woah woah woah!
BLU Steven: What? It was obvious. She was the RED spy. Watch. She'll turn RED any second. Any second.
BLU Amethyst didn't turn.
BLU Greg: So, we still have a problem. Who's ready to go find this spy?
RED Amethyst: Right behind you.
RED Amethyst had been disguised as the BLU Lars, with her knife ready. She back stabbed both BLU Steven and Greg, then retrieved the Briefcase.
TEAM STEVEN UNIVERSE 2
THE END