TEH BLING!!!
[script v. 2.0]
~CAST~
Rachel~Rae
Samara~Sa-Something
Becca~Ashley
Noah~Justin
Aidan~Matt
Katie~Katie!
Katie's mom~Tara
That guy in the cabin~Dan
Evil Monkey~That cool monkey in Katie's room
All the other people~Got to keep their names, the lucky bastards...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene one: TEH CHEESEORZ!]
*Movie starts in a happy room with Katie and Ashley watching a random TV show*
Katie: Noises in my stomach make me smile! ^o^
Ashley: SHUT UP, OR I'LL MAKE YOU WATCH THE TAPE!
Katie: But I already watched the tape! AND IT WAS SCARY! But I still like cheese...
Ashley: Then let me eat your cheese!!
Katie: NUUUUU! YOU MUST-
*phone rings*
Katie: OMG, LEIK SOMEONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!
Ashley: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
*Both run around in circles while the phone rings downstairs*
Ashley: Katie! We must overcome our fears and answer the phone!
Katie: OK! Let's get on the battle gear!
*Katie and Ashley emerge from the room with brooms and toilet paper*
Katie: Let's answer that phone!
*Ashley and Katie charge toward phone*
Katie: *picks up phone* LEAVE ME ALONE! *slams it back down*
Ashley: RAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Cardboard box TV: *static or something like that*
Muffled voice coming from static TV: DAMN IT! I CAN'T GET THROUGH! *loud bang is heard* MY HEAD! OW!! *muffled curses are heard*
Katie: *make WTF face*
Ashley: *runs back to room like little coward she is*
Katie: *"turns off" TV, goes back upstairs*
Katie: WHERE IS ASHLEY?
Katie: *opens door to room*
Sa-Something: AUGH! WAIT! I WASN'T READY!
Katie: ???
Sa-Something: OK, wait... hold up...
*Sa-something scurries back into cardboard box TV, then lunges out at Katie in a comedic fashion*
Katie: ...
Sa-Something: You're supposed to be scared and die.
Katie: OOPS! Sorry... *drops dead*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene two: Stupid kid!]
Rae: *says foreign word for shit*
Matt: Oooh, mommy said a bad word!
Rae: Shut up, biznitch, and make me some pie!
Matt: Are you a hermaphidite?
Rae: I SAID MAKE ME PIE!
Matt: *runs away to make pie*
*walkie talkie phones start ringing*
Rae: WHAT THE HECK?! *anwers phone* WHAT?!
Tara: screamMY DAUGHTER DIED! I WANT YOU TO COME HERE AND PITY ME! AND BRING PIE! AND CHICKENSTRIPS!/scream
Rae: Fine! AIDAN, GET YER ASS OVER HERE, WE'RE GOING TO TARA'S HOUSE!
Matt: Nooooooo!! Don't make me!! HAVE MERCY!! MERCY!!
*scene ends with Rae dragging Matt out the door*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 3: No respect for people's personal property!]
Rae: So, how did she die?
Tara: I dunno! I just found her here! *kicks Katie's body* The doctor say her heart stopped.
Rae: It must have been all that McDonalds. Tara, you can sue!
Tara: Well, being a close-minded parent, I am going to assume it is drugs that killed her, and make some stupid support group that condones drug use!
Rae: ...
Tara: ...
Katie: I'm still alive!
Sa-Something: [offscreen] *throws evil monkey at Katie*
Katie: ARGH! I AM DEAD!
Rae: Yep, must have been drugs *walks away*
*scene shift to Katie's room*
Matt: Where is her porn??
Rae: Matt? What are you doing?
Matt: *ignores Rae* Ah-ha! Here! *grabs packet* Uh...
Rae: Get out of her room, you disrespectful brat!
Matt: But...PORN!
Rae: I SAID OUT!
Matt: *grumbles and walks out*
Rae: *looks around, and then searches the drawer* Where are her drugs?
*Rae finds pictures with the faces scribbled on, with Kung Fu Chicken all over it. One picture says "FUNNY FARM"*
Rae: No drugs...
Tara: RAE! I WANT YOU TO FIND OUT WHY KATIE DIED OR ELSE!
Rae: O_o OK...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 4: To the Funny Farm, where life is beautiful all the time!]
Rae: YO!
Dan: Hey! Pick a card, or no service!
Rae: *grabs a card and throws it back at him*
Dan: *pulls out wrong card* Is this your card?
Rae: No. Have you seen a girl named Katie?
Dan: They were in Cabin 12 1/2. Katie and her friends didn't pay! CHEAPSTAKES! You see, kids today, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage, with their hippin' and their hoppin' and their pimpin' and the bobbin'! They don't know what the jazz is all about!
Rae: *sees unmarked tape on counter* ... Can I borrow that?
Dan: ...No. Is THIS your-
Rae: *knocks Dan out and grabs the tape*
*scene shift to Katie's basement, in front of TV*
Rae: OK, let's see this ugly mo-fo... *pops tape in*
*Cursed tape plays and let me tell you, it's not pretty. It has Brutney Spears. 'Nuff said*
*phone rings*
Rae: WHOO!! ROOM SERVICE! *answers*
Sa-Something: PIE!! ME LIKE PIE! ... I mean, 168 hours! Er, no wait... 7 days! Why don't I just say a week? Doesn't that make more sense? What do you think, seven days or a-
*Rae hangs up*
Rae: Stupid prank phone calls...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 5: Here comes Victim #2]
Justin: Rae! I'm here!
Rae: I ALREADY PAID YOU BACK! ALL TWENTY-TWO AND A HALF DOLLARS!
Justin: No, my psychic powers tell me that there is a cursed tape here that I must watch and fufill needed plot requirements!
Rae: That thing? *points to tape on table*
Justin: Yep.
Rae: Go ahead and watch it, I don't care...
Justin: Don't you know that if you watch it, you die in seven days? Which I will because I'm the poor fool that suffers for your actions?
Rae: In that case, please, by all means, watch it! I'll even make you a copy to take home!
*Rae magically makes a copy and shows it to Justin, who does not leik the tape*
Justin: That was boring.
Rae: Yeah, I know.
*phone rings*
Justin: I'll get it, seeing as it is for me! *answers phone* 'Allo?
Sa-Something: One week... or does seven days sound scarier? I just cannot decide, ya know...
Justin: *hangs up* What's up with all the prank phone calls?
Rae: I dunno... I think she's actually a telemarketer.
Justin: *shivers* That IS scary...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 6: A visit to Ashley in the Mental Ward!]
Rae: I wonder why Ashley was in the mental ward... well, something is telling me to go there. So going there I shall!
Matt: What about me?
Rae: You can look after yourself. Now, make me pie before I get back OR ELSE NO DINNER FOR YOU TONIGHT!
Matt: You are a horrible mother.
Rae: I know.
*scene shift to basement*
Rae: Hello Ashley!
*Ashley walks in, sees the TV*
Ashley: O_O!!!
Rae: Uh...
Ashley: EEEEVVVVVILLLL!! *points to TV and dives behind table* IT'S EEEEEVVVVIIIILLLL!! THE GIRL WHO DEMANDS PIE IS COMING!! OH GAWD, HELP!!!
Rae: Who?
Ashley: WHEN YOU WATCH THE TAPE!! PIE... PIE... PIE... MONKEY!
Rae: -_-"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 7: OMFG LIEK TAHT'S TEH SCARY!!111!!ONE!!]
DREAM
Rae: So, like, I'm taking a trip to this island to see my cousin, and seeing that you're kidless, I'm letting you borrow my kid, Tara.
Tara: Can I keep him?
Rae: No.
*Rae starts coughing*
Tara: OH NO!! RAE GOT SARS!!!
Rae: *pulls out... A STRING WITH A PAPER-PIE ATTACHED TO THE END!!* WTF??
Phone: *dies*
Rae: That sucks.
*Rae heads down to check up on Matt, but his room is empty, with Sa-Something sitting in the middle*
Rae: MATT!! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STAYING UP LATE??
*Rae goes to drag Matt to bed, but when she reaches for Sa-Something, Sa-Something grabs a marker and draws the word PIE on her arm*
Rae: AUGH!! I'VE BEEN MAKRED!
/DREAM
Rae: O_O! What a weird dream... Hey! I hear a TV! Matt IS up!
*Rae storms to the Living room and sees Matt, who just finished watching the tape*
Rae: *slow-motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Matt: No porn... ;_;
Rae: MATT?! WHY?? NOW ALL THE TELEMARKETERS WILL BE PHONING US!!!
*phone starts ringing*
Rae: O_O Matt, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Matt: I...I thought it was porn!!
Rae: *grabs phone* I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU ARE SELLING!
Justin: So you don't want to buy my chickenstrip rifle?
Rae: NO! NEXT TIME YOU CALL, I'M CALLING THE COPS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 8: Damn, the days go by fast!]
Rae: Vacations are great... Hey!
*Rae sees an old man...type thing working in the fields.
Rae: YAY! AN OLD MAN! *takes out shotgun* ASSAULTING THE ELDERLY IS FUN!!
*Rae goes into the yard and sees [Richard] working on yard*
[Richard]: Every day be a happy day!
Rae: HIIIIIII!!!
[Richard]: OH DEAR GAWD!! DEMON!! BACK, EVIL DEMON CHILD, BACK!
Rae: ... It's just me. I'm a happy reporter!
[Richard]: WORSE!! IT'S THE MEDIA!! AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! [Richard runs into house and locks the door]
Rae: That was very weird.
[Doctor]: Indeed it was!
Rae: AHHHH!! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM??
[Doctor]: I had to give [Richard] Moron his meds. Poor man... been like that since his wife and little Sahjfkhgjfdkt died...
Rae: Who was his wife and Saheejfuh... Saheefuhkah... Sa-Something!
[Doctor]: Well, [Richard] and [Anna] Moron were happily married, all that good junk, had a barn and everything. But they couldn't have a kid because [Richard] said children were brats and they were a waste of time. But, actually, [Richard] has this interesting condition called...
Rae: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz...
[Doctor]: -_-" I mean, [Anna] adopted some kid named Sahjfkhgjfdkt. Everyone made fun of poor Sahjfkhgjfdkt because she had such a crappy name. But really, Sahjfkhgjfdkt truly was crazy. Running all over the place, running her mouth off, throwing that evil monkey at other people... [Richard] was right. Kids are a waste of time. We sent her to the Funny Farm and she never came back, thank god!
Rae: You can say that again...
[Doctor]: I mean, [Anna] adopted some kid named-
Rae: NOT LITERALLY!
Rae: *storms off*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 9: To the Funny Farm, with trees and flowers...]
[setting: car, place that leads to Katie's basement]
Rae: *on phone* Justin! I need you to go to the Funny Farm!
Justin: With the trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes?
Rae: Yeah. I need you to look up info on Sahee... Saheejuhfu... Sa-Something Moron.
Justin: Why me?
Rae: Because when you break into the record room and get caught, you'll get arrested, not me.
Justin: I hate you... BUT THE PLOT SAYS I MUST!
Rae: Yeah, sure, plot...
*scene switch to Justin breaking in the record room*
Justin: WH00T! I GOT IN!! I R TEH 1337!!
*Justin scribbles all over chalkboard in 1337: OMG, JU5+1/V W45
T3I-I #3123!!!*
Justin: Now, onto my mission!
*Justin searches a random folder and finds out that Sa-Something Moron's records were taken away*
Justin: I risk 20 years in prison for nothing?! *phones Rae* Rae, uh, Sa-Something Moron's files aren't here. Someone took them. It says... canc... is that an e... lled... by... fayers.... wait, that's not a word! THIS HANDWRITING SUCKS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 10: The horses kept her up at night, so she shot them]
Rae: Well, Justin, you failed me. Now you have to help me break and enter [Richard's] house.
Justin: I didn't FAIL you, someone already took the files.
Rae: Yes you did. I asked you to find her files and you could not find them. No wonder I broke up with you...
Justin: But we were never together...
Rae: You still need to pay child support. I'm sueing you.
Justin: But Matt isn't even my kid! He isn't even your kid! You adopted him!!
Rae: Well, we all make mistakes. OK, Let's bust in this joint!
*Rae knocks on the door and it opens*
Rae: WH00T! LOOK AT THOSE SKEELZ!! YOU *CANNOT* MATCH THOSE SKEELZ!!
Justin: *rolls eyes*
*Rae and Justin enter and due to Justin's psychic powers, he can seek out the missing files*
Justin: Beat THOSE skeelz!
Rae: *rolls eyes*
Justin: *reads random papers while Rae watches Sa-Something's tape*
***TAPE***
[Doctor]: OK, Sa-Something, we're starting.
Sa-Something: AUGH!! CAMERA!! *hides behind chair*
[Doctor]: Uh... Sa-Something...?
Sa-Something: THE CAMERA WILL SUCK OUT MY SOUL!!!
[Doctor]: Sa-Something, we need the camera. It will not suck out your soul.
Sa-Something: Yes it will!! GIVE ME PIE AND I WILL SUBMIT TO YOUR FOOLISH TAPE!
[Doctor]: ... OK, give her pie.
Sa-Something: *jumps in chair* OK, what do you need? LUE catchphrases? Fanfiction requests? FF advice?
[Doctor]: Actually, we just want to know why you put disturbing images in people's minds.
Sa-Something: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT!! GREAT BANANA WILL KEEL YOU!
[Doctor]: ???
Sa-Something: *grabs paper hat and a banana* LOOK AT MY HAT! LOOK AT MAH LOVELY HAT!! It is a fine hat! WHO ARE YOU?! I.. am a banana!
[Doctor]: Sa-Something? Calm down...
Sa-Something: HATS! FOR CLOWNS! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAAAA! *repeats*
CATS! FOUR POUNDS! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LAAAAAAAA!!
*repeats*
[Doctor]: That's it, get this idiot out of my office!
Sa-Something: NUUUUUUU!! *gets dragged away*
***/TAPE***
Justin: She reminds me of someone I knew...what was her name... Mary?
Rae: What crap are you talking about?
[Richard]: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
Rae and Justin: Crap.
[Richard]: Damn noisy media peoples! *Richard grabs tape* People never leave me alone... oh god, I'm going on another pointless rant! I hate this, just rambling along on about random stuff so I might as well complain about the media who seems to hate me so much. I hate kids. Kids suck.
Rae and Justin: Wait! Where is Sa-Something? She'll kill us!
[Richard]: Naw. She was never good at her job. It'll be the evil monkey that kills you!
*[Richard] magically dies*
Rae: What a crappy way to go. I give him a -2 for no explosions.
Justin: And he just died. That was it. -5. This guy sucks. Well, what are we gonna do now?
Matt: The horses keep her up at night, so she shoots them.
Rae: MATT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE! BACK TO YOUR ROOM!
Matt: Wait! *gives Rae pie*
Rae: Why thank you. NOW GO AWAY!
Matt: *scurries off screen*
Justin: We should that room over there that looks like Katie's room, but is actually Sa-Something's room and it was just reused because we are low on funds!
Rae: ...
*Both walk into the room*
Rae: Wow, so he locked her up here...
Justin: Ha ha! Stupid kid! Served her right to stay here all alone...
Rae: Not alone... *points to GameBoy Advance and Pokemon Sapphire*
Justin: Ah. Darn. Spoiled brat. _ _... *swipe*
Rae: LOOK! IT'S A PRETTY PICTURE!
*Picture shows Kung Fu Chicken knocking out another dude*
Justin: Wow, she was pretty violent.
Rae: I DID THAT TO THE DUDE IN THE HAPPY HOME! LET'S GO!
Justin: ... Ok?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 11: the box]
Justin: Yay! We're back! Hmmm, this room looks familiar...
Rae: Well, it's too late for me. I hope you die a more horrible death then me, Justin.
Justin: NO! WE'LL LIVE! THE PLOT SAYS YOU MUST LIVE!!
Rae: GET IT THROUGH YOUR FRIGGIN HEAD! THERE IS NO PLOT!
Justin: Yes there is! TIME TO GO TO HOMICIDAL RAGE MODE!!
*Justin grabs the chalkboard and attempts to bash it to the ground in homicidal rage, but he just moves it aside and reveals a box*
Rae: It's a box!! Let's use our "imagination" *Make rainbow with hands* and use it!
Justin: I dunno... The plot says-
Rae: IF YOU MENTION THE FREAKING PLOT ONE MORE TIME, I'LL-
Cardboard Box TV: *charges at Rae and makes her fall into box*
Justin: That was totally random...
Cardboard Box TV: Hey, it's my job.
(switch to inside box)
Rae: This stupid box is cramped...
Sa-Something: [off-screen]Hey! What are you doing in my box!
*Sa-Something peeks into the box and Rae climbs out*
Rae: I fell.
Sa-Something: Well, since you are here, I will tell you my story, and you have to listen, because it is vital to the plot.
Rae: You mean Justin was right and THERE IS a plot?
Sa-Something: Duh...
~~~FLASHBACK~~~
*switch to backyard*
Sa-Something: Hats... for clowns! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaaa! Hats... for clowns... Hey! PIE!!!
*Sa-Something charges at Pie, but she trips and falls into a box*
Sa-Something: MY SPLEEN!
[Richard]: What is this doing here? Hmmm... *puts box by a mailbox*
Sa-Something: Hey! I'm still in here! ...Hello...?
~~~/FLASHBACK~~~
Rae: O_o *runs*
Sa-Something: *climbs in* !!! PIE!! SHE LEFT ME PIE!! ...No one ever left me pie before... ;_;
Justin: Rae! You live! Well, the plot requires you to live...
Rae: Jeez, I hope I didn't break the curse...
Justin: Why not? Then me and Matt will live!
Rae: Exactly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[scene 12: Sa-Something returns... IN TECHICOLOR!]
Justin: D00t d00t... just reading up on Hyperspace...
Cardboard Box TV: *makes static noises*
Justin: Stupid TV! *kicks it*
Cardboard Box TV: OW!
Justin: Did it just talk?
Cardboard Box TV: ...No.
Justin: Yes you did!
Cardboard Box TV: No, I didn't...
Justin: Yes you did! Liar!
Sa-Something: ARGH! *bursts out of Cardboard Box TV, but ends up getting stuck* Knew I shoulda tried Weight Watchers... let me do it again!
*Sa-Something goes back into box, but this time she and the TV fall down*
Sa-Something: WAIT! AGAIN!
*Sa-Something goes into box again and tries again, but she trips when she tries to get up*
Sa-Something: Ow...
Justin: This is stupid. Stop wasting my time!
Sa-Something: Ah, screw it! *throws evil monkey at Justin*
Justin: AUGH!! MY HEAD!! OH GOD!! I'M IN PAIN!! *overdramatic death sequence here*
Sa-Something: *holds up a 9.5*
Rae: *barges in with Matt* JUSTIN, I LEFT MY... Whoo! He died! I didn't break the curse!
Sa-Something: Yep...
Rae: Why didn't I die then? It's because I made a copy right? Like The Ring?
Sa-Something: No... you left me pie...
Rae: ...Oh.
Sa-Something: I know it's a few days early, but I need to kill him too.
Rae: Matt? Sure...
Matt: WHAT? NOOOO!! DON'T LET THE HERMAPHIDITE KILL ME!!
Sa-Something: HOW DID YOU KNOW?? I'LL KILL YOU!
*Sa-Something strangles Matt and then shoves him in a box*
Justin: Still... ALIVE!
Rae and Sa-Something: *kicks*
Justin: MY PANCREAS!!
THE END...?!
EPILOGUE
-Rae and Sa-Something soon became best friends and Sa-Something retired soon after, wanting to take up other hobbies like programming and anime.
-Matt and Justin, it turned out, weren't dead. That was solved when Sa-Something brought her friends Samara and Sadako over to deal with them.
-Ashley never made it out of the mental hospital and has been arrested for breaking into several electronics stores and destroying all the TVs.
-The guy in the Happy Home never woke up
-All the cast and crew members in this movie died a horrible death seven days later.
-You can't have your 10 minutes of your life back.