The cast of Les Misérables is assembled on a set, looking really, REALLY unhappy.
Valjean: (Indignant) Hey, you're not the one who usually makes us do these stupid things.
Javert: ::crossing his arms over his chest:: Great, now we have a copycat bossing us around.
Me: Just be quiet and get in your costume ::thrusts large puffy dress at Javert::
Javert: (looking at the costume in horror) I am not being the Enchantress!
Me: Don't worry Javvy, it's only for the very first scene. And then you get a much better costume.
Javert: I refuse to-(glares at Valjean who is trying, without luck, to hold in his laugh) wear this!
Me: You have to, otherwise we will just sit here all day waiting for you. Just get it over with!
Javert: (glaring daggers) This is not over. ::He puts the dress over his head, leaving on all his other clothing, even his wonderful hat and coat::
Me: Here's your enchanted rose and your magic wand
Javert scowls at them and throws the wand over his shoulder, replacing it with his nightstick and brandishing it like a weapon, and all the while smiling threateningly. Me: Stop that, you're frightening the children (Gavroche just roles his eyes) Anyway, for the role of the young prince, well, I kind of changed the story a little. ::Eponine emerges in a beautiful gown, looking very pretty::
Cosette notices Marius noticing Eponine, who also notices Marius noticing her and smiles. Eponine then notices Cosette noticing this and elbowing Marius
Me: And here is our young Princess now.
Marius: (who naturally thought he was going to be the young prince who gets the girl in the end) I thought it was supposed to be a handsome Prince, not a beautiful princess ::Cosette again elbows him, he smiles sheepishly at her::
Me: Not in this play.
Music starts, the narrator's voice comes on to start the story.
Narrator: Once upon a time in a faraway land a young prince-
Me: Wait! Change that to princess, remember, Eponine's a girl and the Enchantress is, I guess an Enchanter…
Narrator: …a young princess lived in a shining castle.
::Enter Eponine:: Although she had everything his her heart desired the princess was spoiled, selfish and unkind. But then one winter's night an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him her a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her his haggard appearance the princess sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances for beauty is found within. When she dismissed her him again the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a
Javert is suddenly lifted up on his harness 'flying' as an enchantress should. Or more like hanging wildly and trying to hold onto the strings holding him up.
Javert: (teetering wildly and out of control) What the devil?!
Me: Calm down it's perfectly safe! ::Javert calms down a bit and tries to act out his part, ending up fairly poking Eponine with his 'magic wand'/night stick::
beautiful enchanteress. The princess tried to apologize but it was too late for she had seen that there was no love in his her heart.
Eponine: There is so! I have a heart full of love! ::much groaning::
As punishment she transformed him her into a hideous-
Eponine: Hideous? Oh, this doesn't seem fair!
-beast and placed a powerful spell upon the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his her monstrous form the beast concealed herself inside his her castle with a magic mirror as his her only mirror to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom for many years. If she could learn to love another and earn their love in return by the time the last petal fell then the spell would be broken. If not she would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed she fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?
Me: Okay, come on, next scene! ::curtain opens to a scene of a little town.::
Grantaire: (to the other Amis, all as townspeople) Well, we all know who is going to play the handsome, dashing Gaston. ::laughter::
Enjolras: (From Backstage) NO!!! I will not, I refuse to-
Me: Just get onstage, you're lucky I didn't make you wear the blue dress!
Enjolras is pushed onstage, in a costume similar to his everyday wear, except, sadly, no vest
Enjolras: Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?
Me: Calm down, you're still a man, deal with it.
Grantaire: (barely suppressing laughter) She's-He's, Enjolras is Belle! ::unable to hold back any longer, he burst out laughing, along with the other amis. Enjolras's icy glare only silences them for a moment before they burst out laughing again.::
Me: Sing!
Enjolras:
This is not over yet!!!
Little town,
it's a quiet village
The poor oppressed just like before
Little town full of great injustice
They-
Me: Sing the right lines!!!
Enjolras: But look at them! Every day like the one before? I mean, they are oppressed! :: the Amis are starting to rally:: They just live every day the same, these little people, we must liberate them! ::The students were beginning to shout as well:: We must-
Me: Yes, cut the fat ones down to size, whatever, it's a play, calm down and sing the lines!
Enjolras:
(Irritated, just as he was getting the students rallied…)
Little town,
it's a quiet village
Every day like the one before
Little town full of little people ::Gavroche begins to hum Little People::
Waking up to say…
Bossuet: Bonjour!
Feuilly: Bonjour!
Jehan: Bonjour!
Courfeyrac: Bonjour!
Grantaire: Hello!
Me: Wait! Stop! Cut! Grantaire! You're French! It's Bonjour!
Grantaire: Why is most of the play in English and then they put in a few French words? That isn't fair, it's not my fault!
Me: Okay, fine, just do it over again!
Bossuet: Bonjour!
Feuilly: Bonjour!
Jehan: Bonjour!
Courfeyrac: Bonjour!
Grantaire: ::students hold breath:: Bonjour! ::All breathe sigh of relief::
Enjolras:
There goes the baker with his tray like always
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Same? As in the exact same rolls,
wouldn't they be very stale? The oppression!
Me: Stop being a revolutionary and start being an inventor's daughter ::my turn to receive the icy glare:: I mean son
Enjolras:
There goes the baker with his tray like always
The same old bread and rolls to sell
Every morning just the same
Since the morning that we came
To this poor provincial town
Combeferre (as Baker): Good morning Belle
Enjolras: Wait, is my name really Belle? That's a girl's name!
Me: Well, if we change it, then it won't rhyme
Enjolras: But I am not a girl!!!
Me: Oh believe me I know that, but it must rhyme
Enjolras: Fine, let's just get this over with
Fast Forward
::Cosette shoots a gun into the air and Marius runs around trying to catch the falling bird::
Marius: Wait! If Gaston is a girl, shouldn't LeFou be one as well?
Me: But LeFou is like Gaston's lackey, who would do anything for him…
Marius: Are you implying something Madame? And I know that I don't like the idea of my Cosette lusting after Enjolras!
Enjolras: Oh, grow up Marius! I turn her down ::Cosette looks slightly saddened at this and Marius become huffy::
Marius: Cosette!
Cosette: What?
Marius: Don't look so upset!
Cosette: I'm not!
Me: Let's get on with this people!
Cosette:
Right from the moment when I met him, saw him
I said he's gorgeous(miffed Marius) and I fell
Here in town there's only he
who's as beautiful as me (a very miffed Marius)
So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle
Enjolras: (under his breath) I HATE that name!!!
Grantaire: Can we have a break? I need something to tide me over and get me through this torture!
Me: We've done one song!
Valjean: (who has yet to come into the scenes) And the narration too!
Me: Fine, five minutes. FIVE, no more!
Two minutes later
Enjolras: Give me the wine, I am not going to be able to get through to this without it ::The amis watch with breathless anticipation, waiting to see if Enjolras would take a large swig right from the bottle as Grantaire always did. Enjolras raises the bottle near his lip but instead of taking a gulp he simply sniffs the wine. His nose wrinkles but he poured himself a small cup of the wine anyhow. The amis groan with disappointment, he had been so close!::
Exactly three minutes after that
Me: (feeling like a slave driver, or worse, Javert) All right, back to work! Okay, now onto No Matter What
Javert: I've never heard of that song
Me: It's only in the musical not the movie, now be quiet.
Enjolras: (looking at script) I do not want to call this man ::points to Valjean:: (speaking in a girlish voice)'papa'. You know how much I dislike my parents, and, since I'm a male, shouldn't I have a mother?
Me: There are a lot more men than women! I guess I could use Fantine…
Cosette: But then I would be trying to have my mother sent to the insane asylum!
Grantaire: Great, give away the plot
Marius: (warning) Grantaire…
Grantaire: Come on Marius, stop playing the husband for once, you are playing LeFou. ::Grantaire smiled slightly at his own joke. Enjolras also caught this and smiled, which caused Grantaire to smile all the more.::
Me: Okay, fine Valjean play Maurice and Enjolras, get over it!
Enjolras: (grumbling) Papa, do you think I'm odd? ::The Amis burst out laughing, Enjolras continues to play his part, though he looks very angry::
Valjean:
Well, I'm not odd nor you
No family could be saner
Except one uncle who-well maybe let that pass
In all you say and do
You couldn't make it plainer
You are your mother's daughter
::Enjolras clears his throat, Amis laughing:: Sorry,
You are your mother's son
Therefore you are class
Fast forward
Enjolras: That was one of the stupidest songs I have ever had the privilege to be forced to sing
Me: It's supposed to be a very touching song about the love of a father and daughter ::Cosette smiles at Valjean::
Enjolras: That's all well and good except for the fact that I am a man
Eponine: (who is watching from backstage) Well, obviously ::Marius looks slightly miffed, but just slightly of course::
Enjolras: (looking a little surprised) Well, as long as we have that clear…
Me: Okay, come on Valjean get on your little wood cutting machine and into the enchanted forest you go.
'Maurice' drives his wood cutting machine to the fair but gets lost and is attacked by wolves. He finds refuge in a dark castle
Valjean: Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here?
Javert: (from backstage) This is beyond ridiculous! Almost as bad as the enchantress! ::Grantaire's laughter can be heard from backstage:: Oh be quiet, your costume is no better than mine!
Me: Come on, it's the perfect character for you. The strict disciplinary who doesn't want to go against the master…
Javert: (Still Backstage) Well, all right ::He peers his head out and then slowly walks out dressed as the clock, Cogsworth. No one can resist at least a little laugh::
Grantaire: ::stumbling out as the Candle, Lumiere:: (with heavy French accent) Here I am! ::The amis cheer him on and he takes a clumsy bow::
Me: Can we get on with this?
Valjean: Hello? Hello? Is anyone in here?
Fast Forward
Valjean has been talked to by the magical candle and clock (who's case he opens, much to Javert chagrin) and is now sitting in the master's chair.
Javert: But the master's chair!
Eponine: (as the beast from offstage) Who is that?!
Grantaire: A traveler, he lost his way
The beast is angry and comes down to yell at Maurice
Enter Eponine dressed as beast
Eponine: What are you doing in my chair?
Me: Wait, stop, cut!!! Eponine, where is your costume?
Eponine: (who is just dressed in her normal street clothes) The costume, well it is made for a man… It didn't fit at all, so I thought, why not just wear my regular clothes?
Me: But you are supposed to be a hideous beast!
Eponine: Well, what do you want me to do?
Me: Oh, I don't know! Fine, for now you can play it as is. Just try to be scary or something.
Eponine: Can do! What are you doing in my house…
The beast gets angry and throws Maurice in a cell. Meanwhile back in the 'small provincial town'…
Gaston goes to Belle's house…
Me: Come on Gaston, let's go
Cosette: Can I change that name? It is rather masculine sounding…
Enjolras: If she changes her name I want a manly name!
Me: But the rhyme scheme!!!
Enjolras: Fine, let's get this over with…
Javert: I've never heard of this song either…
Me: Javert…
Javert: I'm just saying, maybe you should stick with the popular songs
Me: But it's good and funny!
Javert: Fine you're the director…
Cosette:
You've been dreaming
Just one dream
Nearly all your life
Hoping, scheming
Just one theme
Will you be a wife?
Enjolras: Okay, stop, I have never, EVER, wanted to be a wife
Me: But the rhymes, life doesn't rhyme with husband, and then its two syllables, and-
Cosette: And the next line-'he-man's property' I am not a he-man!!!
Marius: (comforting) Of course not honey, you are very ladylike
Me: Maybe I should have thought this out better, changing all the words, and the costumes not fitting…I guess we should just start over with the correct people, Enjolras, you're Gaston and Cosette, you're-
Enjolras: We are not doing this over! And besides, I don't want to be Gaston. He's pompous and arrogant and he uses women-
Grantaire: My ears are burning The amis laugh::
Courfeyrac: He's also supposed to be the handsomest man in town ::now it's Grantaire's turn to look miffed::
Grantaire: You people are so vain!
Eponine: And then I am going to have to be a bimbette, I am not a silly girl who lusts after a guy ::people look at her with doubt:: Well, it's usually not him!
Enjolras: Excuse me, just because I am not Marius doesn't mean that-
Eponine: Be quiet!
Enjolras: Oh, he's not stupid Eponine!
Eponine: Still!!!
Enjolras: Fine, but I don't want you to lust after me anymore than you want to do it!
Grantaire: One would think you would be used to it by now
Enjolras: Grantaire…
Grantaire: Excuse me!
Me: Oh, my head…
Enjolras: Can we get on with this?
Me: Here are some new lines, I wrote them while you argued so they are very bad, but just sing them
Cosette:
You've been dreaming
Just one dream
Since
your life began
Hoping, scheming
Just one theme
Are you a husband?
Enjolras: This is ridiculous
Will you be some she-woman's property? Good news, that she-woman's me
Fast Forward
Cosette:
I can see that we will share
All that love implies
We shall be the perfect pair
Rather like my thighs!
Marius: Cosette!
Cosette: It's in the script Marius!
Enjolras: (exasperated) Marius…
Marius: Don't start with me you home wrecker!
Cosette: Marius, you're being silly
Marius: I am not, I see the way you look at him!
Cosette: Marius!
Marius: Cosette!
Cosette: Marius!
Marius: Cosette!
Cosette: Marius!
Marius: Cos-
Me: Fast forward!!!
Meanwhile Belle has gone into the forest looking for his father. He comes to the castle and finds his father locked up by the hideous (or not so hideous in this case) beast. Belle trades himself for his father. He is now sitting in his room.
Enjolras:
Yes I made the choice
For papa I will stay
But I don't deserve to lose my freedom in this way
Exactly, we must fight for freedom!!! Not just from scary beasts but from opressive tyrants! We-
Me: Enjolras!
Enjolras:
::grumble, grumble::
You monster
Eponine: Pardon moi?
Enjolras:
Sorry, sorry, it's in the song!
And if you think that what you've done is right, well then
You're a fool
Think again...
...Oh but then
As my life has been altered once
It can change again
Build higher walls around me
Change every lock and key
Nothing lasts
Nothing holds
All of me
My hearts far, far away
Home and free
Eponine: (with tears in her eyes, just like everyone else) That was wonderful!
Me: They should have given you more solos in the musical
Enjolras: (never one to take a compliment) Can we just get on with this?
Meanwhile, back in town, Gaston is feeling bad about Belle rejecting her.
Cosette: Wait, I just realized something. I die in the end!!!
Grantaire: Well, now that we know the ending…
Marius: (to Cosette) Don't worry darling, it's not real (to Grantaire) Everyone already knew the ending anyway!
Grantaire: Whatever…
Me: Can we do this? Where is LeFou?
Marius: (reluctantly) I'm right here. Where is this, a bar of some sort?
Me: Yep
Grantaire: Oh darn, and me in a haunted castle, this is unfair!
Marius:
Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Every girl here'd like to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
Fast forward
Cosette: LeFou I'm afraid I've been thinking ::scattered laughter::
Marius: A dangerous pastime ::Even more laughter::
Cosette: I know ::Everyone is now laughing::
What? What is it? Why are you laughing?
Enjolras: (trying to hold it together) What? We're not laughing, (placing hand over heart) we swear. ::This leads to even more laughter::
Marius: Come on now, what is so funny?
Grantaire: nothing, we are all just thinking of a joke, um, Javert told us.
Cosette: Well now I know you're lying!
Javert: Hey! I could make a joke (clears throat) Once there was a woman who had lost her dog, whose name was Tiz. And she couldn't find the dog, so she stood on the corner and tried to call the dog. Well, I saw her and I arrested her for prostitution. And what else was I supposed to do? She was standing on a street corner yelling 'HereTiz, HereTiz (here it is, here it is) ::Though the joke was not particularly funny, just the absurdity of it coming out of Javert's mouth made everyone burst out laughing again::
Cosette: I don't get it
Grantaire: What a surprise…
Marius: Grantaire, I've warned you
Eponine: Lighten up Marius
Enjolras: I know, really! (realizing he had lost his composure for a second) I mean, can we get on with this!
Fast forward
Me: Come on Eponine, let's get to your song. Now I know it's a little deep for you, but just go for it
Eponine:
How long must this go on
This cruel trick of fate
I simply made one careless, wrong decision
And then that witch was gone
And left me in this state
An object of revulsion and derision ::Cosette giggles, Eponine glares at her::
Hated
Is there no one
Who can show me
How to win the world's forgiveness?
Enjolras: That was so sad. I mean, good job Eponine
Eponine: Thanks Enjy
Enjolras: Don't call me that
Eponine: Why not?
Enjolras: That's not my name!
Eponine: But people call me Ponine, can't I shorten your name a bit?
Enjolras: It sounds like a dogs name!
Eponine: No, that would be Benji, Enjy is so much better!!
Enjolras: But-
Eponine: Oh, come on! There is no revolution to be fought, we're doing a musical for goodness sakes! Please, just chill out for a little while?
Enjolras: But-
Eponine: No, it's settled, you are going to stop being so uptight
Enjolras: I am not uptight!
Eponine: Come on Enjy, don't lie!
Enjolras: Well, I'm not VERY uptight!
Eponine: Of course not. And I think being a little uptight is kind of cute…
Enjolras: I have never been in such an asinine conversation!
Eponine: I know, aren't they fun?
Enjolras: Can we get on with this?
Eponine: Fine, Enjy ::she flutters her eyelashes::
Enjolras: Oh my… ::Eponine laughs at him and his lack of comfort::
Me: Sorry to break up the love fest but the next song is a real production, I need everyone in his or her costumes.
Grantaire: Can we have another break?
Me: After the next song!
Meanwhile Belle has left the confines of his room and is exploring the castle, hungry since he refused to eat dinner with the beast. He finds the kitchen and the servants decide to feed him.
Grantaire:
Mon cher Monsieur it is with deepest pride
and greatest pleasure that we
welcome you tonight.
And now we invite you to relax,
let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly
presents - your dinner!
Enjolras: Now that is some buildup.
Grantaire:
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie
Enjolras: Who are you calling 'cherie'?
And we provide the rest
Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve
Try the gray stuff
Gavroche: (From backstage) NO! I will not, I refuse to! I have a reputation to uphold! ::he is pushed onstage anyway, as a teacup::
(reluctantly and without enthusiasm) It's delicious I wanted to be the beast!!! ::kicks his foot at something imaginary::
Grantaire:
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes
They can sing
They can dance
After all, Sir, this is France
Fantine: Did I miss something? Because I know that when I was in France, and still living, I never saw a dish-
And a dinner here is never second best
Go on, unfold your menu
Take a glance and then you'll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest
Grantaire
and Les Amis:Beef ragout
Cheese soufflé
Pie and pudding 'en flambé'
Combeferre I was just thinking about how completely mortifying t is to be dressed up as a cheese grater
Bossuet: I was thinking the same thing! Except, you know, as salt.
Joly: At least you're not-ahchoo-pepper!
Grantaire
and Les Amis:Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Get your worries off your chest
Let us say for your entree
We've an array; may we suggest:
Try the bread! Try the soup!
When the croutons loop de loop
It's a treat for any diner
Don't believe me? Ask the china
Singing pork! Dancing veal!
Enjolras: Now that is just disturbing!
Grantaire and Les Amis: What an entertaining meal!
How could anyone be gloomy and depressed? He could be!
We'll make you shout 'encore!'
And send us out for more
So, be our guest!
Grantaire: Be our guest!
Les Amis: Be our guest!
Les Amis:
Be our guest
While the candlelight's still
glowing
Be our guest
Our command is your request
It's been years since we've had anybody here
And we're obsessed
With your meal
With your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
Let us help you
We'll keep going
Course by course
One by one
'Til you shout, 'Enough! I'm done!'
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!
Enjolras: Well that was entertaining…
Eponine: Come on Enjy, you promised!
Enjolras: I promised no such thing, and please, can't you call me Enjolras?
Eponine: But it's so much more fun to call you Enjy!
Enjolras: Well let's get on with this…
Me: Well, Enjolras, now you go exploring, but you go into the West Wing, where the enchanted rose is kept-
Enjolras: But I would never spy where I am not wanted ::shoots withering glance at Javert::
Javert: I thought we were over that little spat!
Enjolras: Fine, as you were saying…
Me: Okay, and the beast finds you and roars and yells and scares you and you run out of the castle.
Enjolras: But that would mean breaking a promise. And I don't think Eponine could really scare me all that much ::Eponine comes up behind him and gives him a quick kiss. Enjolras is stunned::
Me: Perfect! That look of astonishment and fear is exactly what I want! Okay, now Eponine is very sad that she scared Enjy away
Enjolras: Now don't you start!
Eponine:
And in my twisted face
Hopeless No
beauty could move me
Long ago I should have seen
No pain could be deeper
There's not the slightest trace
Of anything that even hints of kindness
And from my tortured shape
No comfort, no escape
I see, but deep within is utter blindness
As my dream dies
As the time flies
Love a lost illusion
Helpless
Unforgiven
Cold and driven
To this sad conclusion
No goodness improve me
No power on earth, if I can't love him
No passion could reach me
No lesson could teach me
How I could have loved him and made him love me too
If I can't love him, then who?
All the things I could have been
Careless and unthinking, I moved onward
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore, if I can't love him
No spirit could win me
No hope left within me
How I could have loved him and that he'd set me free
But it's not to be
If I can't love him
Let the world be done with me.
Enjolras: Once again Eponine, a stellar performance, simply amazing
Eponine: (smiling) Thank you, but all of the songs are so sad…
Enjolras: Don't worry ::He smiles at her and she swoons a teeny bit::
Me: Okay People, 15-minute break!
Grantaire: Huzzah!
Enjolras and Eponine: Finally!
Javert: You're like the Olsen twins
Enjolras: What?
Javert: Nothing…
Grantaire: I need a drink
Enjolras: When don't you? ::Grantaire's only answer is to take a gulp of wine::
Valjean: I can't believe we are only halfway through with this thing
Javert: You can say that again
Marius: I can't believe we are only halfway through this thing ::Javert just scowls::
Now Grantaire, I would appreciate it if you would stop mocking my wife
Grantaire: Is that a threat?
Marius: Well, of course not. I would just appreciate it is all.
Grantaire: Whatever you say…
Me: Okay, now we're in the forest, where are my wolves?
Courfeyrac: First a townsperson, then a plate, now a wolf, what has the world come to?
Me: I know, I know, now can you just attack our beautiful belle here?
Jehan: I don't know if we can do that…
Me: I know he's your leader and everything, but it's just acting, okay?
Enjolras: Just keep your hostilities to yourself.
Me: Okay, cue dramatic music… ::Dramatic music starts::
Belle is lost in the forest, trying to get back to town, but he is attacked by wolves ::Enter Eponine:: Eponine defends Belle. Enjolras can hardly suppress a laugh.
Eponine: What? What's so funny?
Enjolras: I'm sorry Ponine, I just can't see you as a big tough beast fighting off wolves for me.
Eponine: Oh yeah? ::She swings at him, but he dodges her fist and she instead hits Grantaire who is sneaking by to get a drink. He falls to the floor unconscious::
Enjolras: (looking at the unconscious Grantaire) I stand corrected…
Eponine: I could defend you anytime Enjy
Enjolras: Why must you call me that?!?!
Eponine: 'Cause I like to?
Enjolras: Oh,…..okay…. ::looks at Grantaire again::
You didn't have to try and hit me…
Eponine: I assumed that you would duck
Enjolras: And if I didn't?
Eponine: Well then I'd just have to nurse you and make you feel all better.
Enjolras: (puzzled) oh…
Me: People! ::The 'wolves' pick up Grantaire and drag him off::
Okay, next scene!
Enjolras, you decide that since Eponine saved you, you have to save her, since the wolves wounded her, and you bring her back to the castle. Next song people!
Belle brings the Beast back to the castle where he cares for her. He finds out that maybe she isn't as mean or scary as he thought.
Enjolras: There's something sweet
And almost kind
But she was mean and she was coarse and unrefined
But now she's dear, and so unsure
I wonder why I didn't see it there before
Okay, now I know that I sound like a girl
Me: Oh, hush
Mme Thenardier:: (as Mme. De La Grande Bouche, a dresser cabinet)
(Speaking) Come along dearie.
Let's get you out of those wet things.
Enjolras: Somehow that doesn't comfort me at all
Eponine: He glanced this way
I thought I saw
And when we touched he didn't shudder at my paw
Hey, I don't have a paw!
Me: Well if you wore the costume you would have
Eponine: No it can't be, I'll just ignore But then he's never looked at me that way before
Eponine: Belle, I have something to show you. But first, you have to close your eyes. It's a surprise!
Enjolras: I don't trust you
Eponine: Come on Enjy!
Enjolras: (reluctantly, putting hands over eyes) fine
Beast leads Belle to the library of the castle
Enjolras: May I open them?
Eponine: Alright, alright. Now!
Enjolras: I can't believe it! I've never seen so many books in my whole life! Wait, now what kind of books are we talking about? Like Robespierre or-
Me: It doesn't matter!
Eponine: You like it?
Enjolras: It's wonderful!
Eponine: It's yours!
Enjolras: New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?
True that she's no Princess Charming
Princess Charming? This part was never meant to be played by a man…
But there's something in her that I simply didn't see
Enjolras: Oh, this is one of my favorites! It's "King Arthur." Have you ever read it?
Eponine: No.
Enjolras: You don't know what you're missing. I'd love to read this again. Wait...you can read this first.
Eponine: No, that's alright.
Enjolras: No, really, you read it
Eponine: Oh, No, you...
Enjolras: No, you
Eponine: No! I can't...
Enjolras: You never learned to read?
Eponine: Only a little, and long ago
Enjolras: Well, it just so happens that this is the perfect book to read aloud. Come here, sit by me
Eponine: Love to, Enjy
Enjolras: That isn't what you're supposed to say!
Eponine: But it's the truth
Enjolras: Remember how you love Marius and all?
Eponine: yea…
Enjolras: Just checking…
Grantaire: Well, who'd have thought? Enjolras with a girl?
Enjolras: Grantaire…
Fantine: Well, bless my soul (I have passed on you know)
Javert: Well, who'd have known? I would have, a spy knows everything!
Fantine: Well, who indeed?
Grantaire: And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own? He doesn't look all that uncomfortable with her
Enjolras: Grantaire…
Fantine: It's so peculiar. Wait and see
Grantaire and Javert: We'll wait and see
All three: A few days more There may be something there that wasn't there before
Javert: Perhaps there's something there That wasn't there before
Gavroche: What? This kid doesn't know anything!
Fantine: There may be something there that wasn't there before
Gavroche: What's there, Mama?
Mme. Thenardier: Shut up boy
Gavroche: I wasn't talking to you
Fantine: Ssh. I'll tell you when you're older. Come along now. Let's give them some privacy...
Gavroche: Mama?
Fantine: Yes, Chip
Gavroche: Will I ever get to be a boy again? He sounds like Pinocchio
Fantine: I hope so
Gavroche: When will I know?
Fantine: Soon. If it's to be. It will be very soon now. Come along, son.
Enjolras: Knowing not, that this was indeed the legendary sword called "Excalibur," Arthur tried to pull it from the stone. He tried once to no avail. He tried a second time, but still, he could not pull it out. Then, for the third time, Arthur drew forth the sword...
Eponine: So that must mean he's the king!
Enjolras: Wait and see
Eponine: I never knew books could do that
Enjolras: Do what?
Eponine: Take me away from this place, make me forget for a little while
Enjolras: Forget?
Eponine: Who I...What I am...
Enjolras: We have something in common, you know
Eponine: What is that?
Enjolras: In the town where I come from, the people think I'm odd
Javert: Odd? You're a radical that's what you are
Enjolras: Javert, you are ruining this whole musical you know
Javert: Me? I'm not the one flirting with the beast
Enjolras: Me? Flirt? Are you insane?
Javert: I'm just calling it as I see it…
Enjolras: Take that back
Javert: I will not, it's the truth, you have a thing for Eponine
Enjolras: Take that back
Javert: I'm not afraid of you, I don't see a carbine anywhere
Enjolras: Take That Back!
Javert: What are you, a broken record?
Enjolras: Javert, I am warning you…
Javert: Bring it on boy!
Enjolras: Boy? Oh that is it old man!
Bahorel: What?
Javert: ::rolling up sleeves:: I've been waiting a long time for this
Eponine: Stop it! ::Javert and Enjolras don't back down::
Me: People please! Be civilized!
Javert: This isn't over boy
Enjolras: We'll see Javert, we'll see…
In the town where I come from, the people think I'm odd
Eponine: You?
Enjolras: So, I know how it feels to be...different. And I know how
lonely that can be.
For the third time, Arthur drew forth the sword, and there
arose from the people a great shout. Arthur is king.
Eponine: I told you so...
Grantaire: Ha ha, qui, my friends. The day we have waited for may be at hand! Enjolras and a girl!
Fantine: Oh, only if that were true, Lumiere! As long as it's not my daughter. The last thing she needs is a radical
Grantaire: Aaah...human again
Enjolras: I never knew you were
Fantine: Human again
Grantaire: Yes, think of what that means!
Grantaire: I'll be cooking again
Be good-looking again ::The amis laugh::
With a mademoiselle on each arm
When I'm human again
Only human again
Poised and polished and gleaming with charm... ::More laughter::
I'll be courting again
Chic and sporting again
Fantine: Which should cause sev'ral husbands alarm!
Gavroche: I'll hop down off the shelf Oh, this character has no life
Grantaire: And toute suite be myself
Gavroche: I can't wait to be human again
Enjolras: When Guenevere heard that Arthur was slain, she went away
to a convent, and no one could make her smile again.
The end.
Eponine: What a beautiful story
Enjolras: Oh, I knew you would like it! I would like to ask you for something
Eponine: What's that?
Enjolras: A second chance. Would you have dinner with me tonight?
Eponine: Huh? Me? You? Well, that would be, I mean -- Oh, yes!! I can't wait Enjy
Enjolras: Ep, come on
Eponine: (smiling) sorry
All: When When we're human again
Only human again
When the boy fin'lly sets us all free
Enjolras: Boy?
All: When Cheeks a-bloomin' again
We're assumin' again
We'll resume our long lost joie de vie
We'll be playin' again
Holiday' again
And we're prayin' it's A-S-A-P
When we cast off this pall
We'll stand straight, we'll walk tall
When we're all that we were
Thanks to him, thanks to her
Coming closer and closer
And closer and...
We'll be dancing again!
We'll be twirling again!
We'll be whirling around with such ease
Grantaire: I think I'm going to be sick
All: When we're human again
Only human again
We'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes
We'll be floating again!
We'll be gliding again!
Stepping, striding as fine as you please
Like a real human does
I'll be all that I was
On that glorious morn
When we're fin'lly reborn
And we're all of us human again!
Javert: Well, that was fun…
Enjolras: Must you always be so sarcastic?
Javert: Yes I guess I must
Me: Let's not act like children, next scene!
Back to the town where Gaston is angry about not being married to Belle and is thinking of a plan
Cosette: When a girl like me is thwarted
And denied her honeymoon
Marius: Cosette!
Cosette: I'm sorry Marius…
Marius: When the pretty thing she's courted
Refuses to swoon
Enjolras: Pretty? Could we replace that? I would like to keep a little dignity…
Marius: When the handsome thing she's courted
Refuses to swoon
Is that better?
Enjolras: Yes, thank you
Cosette: Then the time has come for a murky plan
Marius: For which he turns to a murky man
All Three: To find that fiend where better than
At the Maison des Lunes?
Cosette: You'll be strapping up an inmate
Marius: Very tightly
Cosette: Very soon
But we won't bring him in late
Marius: Your check-in time's noon
Bahorel (as D'Arque): How sad Maurice is not too well
Cosette: Prepare a five-star padded cell! I'm sorry father
All Three: And book him in for a long, long spell
At the Maison des Lunes
Cosette: Do I make myself entirely clear?
Marius: It's the simplest deal of your whole foul career
Cosette: Put Maurice away and he'll be here in moments
Marius: In a dreadful state
Cosette: He'll capitulate to me
Bahorel: Oh! Oh! Oh, I love incarceration I could lock up a platoon
Cosette: We'll apply your inclination
To a mad old buffon I'm sorry again father
Cosette:/Marius: Then wave one bachelorette goodbye
Cosette: I'll be his bride
Stop looking at me like that Marius!
Marius: He'd rather die
Than have his daddy ossify
Bahorel: The time's opportune
All Three: So book the church, raise glasses high
To the Maison des Lunes!
Marius: I still think the proper casting would have been Cosette as Belle, Enjolras as Gaston, and me as the Beast
Eponine: You would think that. (surprised) Oh my! I can't believe I just said that! I guess I just don't want to be typecast as one of the three silly girls. And then of course that would mean that Enjy would be killed!
Cosette: As it is I die!
Eponine: I can live with that
Marius: Eponine!
Eponine: Sorry, but I mean, this way I get to be the heroine, get the guy, and live happily after. Otherwise I would just lose the guy I lust over, 'cause he'd be dead.
Enjolras: Makes perfect sense to me. I guess I would rather play the part of a girl rather than die, but just barely.
Eponine: But Enjy, you're the hero! Just like in real life…
Enjolras: Well, thanks Eponine.
Grantaire: (mocking) Well, thanks Eponine. You want to go back to my place and-
Enjolras: Grantaire!!!
Eponine: Calm down Enjolras. Don't pay attention to him
Grantaire: (mocking again) Calm down Enjy baby, he's just a big bad man, let's go back to your place and-
Eponine: Oh, now you're gonna get it, have you forgotten how I hit you before? Well be prepared for another one!
Enjolras: Eponine, come on, you already punched him once. Why don't we just change into our costumes and do the next scene?
Grantaire: (mocking once again, apparently he had a bit of liquor in him) Let's change in the same room after we- ::This time Enjolras could not stop Eponine, she punched Grantaire right in the face::
Enjolras: Oh, that did seem to work
Eponine: (smiling) I think I'll change into my costume now ::They walk backstage:: How do you put up with him?
Enjolras: Oh, he's usually not so bad, but sometimes…I guess it is just amazing for him because I am not repulsed by you
Eponine: Oh, well, thanks, I guess, that is a good thing, right?
Enjolras: Of course, it's just, I was always so busy with the revolution…
Eponine: Oh yeah, I know, now that we are in this weird reality of Beauty and the Beast there is a lot more time for other things. I guess I should get over Marius, he is married now and all, and I think he's too moral to cheat on Cosette…
Enjolras: I'll have to agree with that, besides, you want someone who can appreciate you
Eponine: (smiling) Well, yeah, that does sound nice…
Enjolras: (realizing that what he was saying could be misconstrued as flirting) Oh, look, we're at the dressing rooms, good bye!
Eponine: (staring after him at his door) He's so handsome, but shy…
(Oh my, when did this become a love story between Eponine and Enjolras?)
Enjolras and Eponine have changed into their costumes. The next scene is where they are having dinner
Fantine: Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly.
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast.
Enjolras: Dance with me?
Eponine: Oh, I don't-
Grantaire and Javert: Dance with him!!!
They begin to dance
Enjolras: You dance very well
Eponine: You're not so bad yourself
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast.
Fantine: Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love.
Now Beauty and the Beast are sitting in the garden.
Cosette: Look father, their garden looks a lot like ours!
Valjean: Well that it does
Me: You try making two different gardens on a stage and see how easy it is
Cosette: It was just a comment
Me: I know, sorry. It's just working with these people…
Javert: (seemingly thinking that I am referring to him) Hey, that is uncalled for
Me: Calm down Javvy
Eponine: Are you happy here?
Enjolras: Well, yes, it's just I wish I could see my father again
Eponine: There might be a way ::takes out enchanted mirror::
We see Maurice lost in the forest, Belle is disturbed
Enjolras: Oh, my father!
Eponine: Go to him
Enjolras: But the promise…
Eponine: You are not bound by the promise, go I'll go with you
Marius: That isn't your line!
Eponine: Well I don't see why I can't just go with him
Marius: Because if people saw you they would be scared and try to hunt you down
Eponine: oh…
Belle leaves and brings her father back to their house, taking the magic mirror with him. The beast is left alone.
Eponine: No pain could be deeper
No life could be cheaper
No point anymore if she can't love me
No hope she would do so
No dream to pursue, so
I looked to myself, despise all the things I see
For I know that he
Cannot set me free
Let the world be done with me.
Oh, so the beast realizes that it's in love with Belle?
Cosette: Yep
Eponine: (contemplating) Oh, that's nice…
Now that Belle has returned Gaston wants to put her plan into action and tries to get Maurice put in the loony bin. Belle insists that Maurice is not crazy, but Maurice, when asked, begins to describe the beast. Belle feels that he has only one option.
Enjolras: Show me the Beast!
(looking in the mirror) Wow, this is great special effects
Crowd: {Scream}
Valjean: That's her! That's her!
Courfeyrac: Is it dangerous?
Enjolras: Oh, no. No, she'd never hurt anyone. I know she looks
frightful, but she's really very gentle and kind.
She's my friend.
Cosette: If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster.
Grantaire: And if we didn't know better we would think you had feelings for Eponine.
Enjolras: Grantaire, don't start with this again…
Grantaire: Start what, I'm not starting anything
Enjolras: She's no monster, Gaston. You are!
Marius: Hey, that's my wife you are speaking to!
Enjolras: It's in the script! And I am not speaking to your wife that way, I am speaking to Gaston, a fictional character that way!
Marius: Well, I guess it's better than having you lust after her…
Cosette: He's as crazy as the old man. He says this creature
is his friend. Well, I've hunted wild beasts I haven't actually and I've seen
what they can do. The Beast will make off with your children. Do they really?
Marius: No dear, they don't
Crowd: {gasp}
Cosette: She'll come after them in the night.
Eponine: I resent that!
Enjolras: She would never!
Cosette: Forget the old man, I say we kill the Beast!
Mob: Kill her!
Combeferre We're not safe until she's dead
Bossuet: She'll come stalking us at night
Jehan: Set to sacrifice our children to her monstrous appetite
Eponine: I resent that as well!
Feuilly: She'll wreak havoc on our village if we let her wander free
Cosette: So it's time to take some action, boys
It's time to follow me
Through the mist
Through the woods
Through the darkness and the shadows
It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride
Say a prayer
Then we're there
At the drawbridge of a castle
And there's something truly terrible inside
It's a beast
She's got fangs
Razor sharp ones
Massive paws
Killer claws for the feast
Hear her roar
See her foam
But we're not coming home
'Til she's dead
Good and dead!
Kill the Beast!
Eponine: Well this song is just plain mean! I'm surprised with Disney
Enjolras: No! I won't let you do this!
Cosette: Try and stop us!
Enjolras: Papa, this is all my fault. I have to go back and warn him.
Valjean: I'm coming with you
Enjolras: No!
Valjean: I lost you once, I won't lose you again!
Enjolras: Then we'd better hurry.
Cosette: We'll rid the village of this Beast. Who's with me?
Mob: I am! I am! I am!
Mob: Light your torch Mount your horse!
Cosette: Screw your courage to the sticking place!
Mob: We're counting on Gaston to lead the way!
Cosette: Me? I don't know if I can do it, maybe you had better get someone else
Marius: I believe in you darling, now go, and kill that beast!
Eponine: Hey!!
Women: Through a mist
Through a wood
Where within a haunted castle
Something's lurking that you don't see ev'ry day!
Crowd: It's a beast
One as tall as a mountain
Eponine: Really? I think I'm just average height
We won't rest
We don't like
'Til she's good and deceased
Sally forth!
Tally ho!
Grab your sword!
Grab your bow!
Praise the Lord and here we go!
What we don't understand
In fact it scares us
And this monster is mysterious at least
Bring your guns!
Bring your knives!
Eponine: Oh dear, I'm glad this isn't real
Save your children and your wives
We'll save our village and our lives
We'll kill the Beast!
Cosette: Cut down a tree, and make it a big one! Take whatever booty you can find. But remember, the Beast is MINE!
Grantaire: When hero-worship goes too far…
Castleware: Hearts ablaze
Banners high
We go marching into battle
Unafraid although the danger just increased
Mob: Raise the flag!
Sing the song!
Here we come, we're fifty strong
And fifty Frenchmen can't be wrong
Let's kill the Beast!
Kill the Beast!
Kill the Beast
Kill the Beast!
Eponine: (unimpressed) Oh, I'm shaking…
The villagers storm the castle but are comically beaten up by the castle objects. Fighting maneuvers include Grantaire burning behinds, Javert using a pendulum to hit LeFou (my poor Marius!) etc.
Gaston finds the beast and begins to fight with her
Grantaire: Now this is what I call a catfight! Meow!
Marius: Hey, that's my wife
Grantaire: Haven't you realized that I don't care yet?
Marius: Grantaire…
Grantaire: To think you could have had this catfight for real, lucky boy
The beast let's Gaston beat her up, so distraught is she after the loss of Belle
Eponine: Oh, unfair!
Cosette: Um, I've never beaten anybody up before…
Eponine: Here let me show you ::pulls fist back::
Enjolras and Marius: Eponine!
Eponine: ::lowering fist:: sorry ::Cosette proceeds to poke and prod Eponine::
Cosette: Is this right?
Marius: That's fine darling
But then the beast gets angry and hits Gaston and prepares to throw her off the top of the castle
Eponine: Now we're getting somewhere ::Picking Cosette up::
Cosette: Um, Marius!
Enjolras: Wow, she's quite strong
Marius: Well Cosette does not weigh all that much
Cosette: Thank you darling
Me: People, we are losing the dramatic mood here
Marius: sorry
Enjolras: No!
The beast let's Gaston go
Eponine: Oh darn, and this was just getting fun ::reluctantly puts Cosette down::
The beast goes towards Belle, ecstatic that he came back
Eponine: Long time no see
But when the Beast's back is turned Gaston gets up and stabs her
Cosette: Wow, what a mean character! ::She holds knife awkwardly::
Marius: Don't worry sweeting, the blade retracts, it couldn't hurt anybody
Cosette: Oh good ::she tests the blade on her finger and seeing that it is indeed retractable she plunges it into Eponine's back::
Enjolras: I'm glad that isn't real
Eponine: You can say that again
Marius: I'm glad that isn't real
Javert: You are worse than flirty boy, but at least you're married, this one here is cavorting around with a street girl-
Enjolras: (now quite angry) That's it
Grantaire: Oh, defending the lady's honor, that's a new one
Enjolras: Grantaire, you do not want to make me mad
Grantaire: Oh, but you're so much more fun like this!
Enjolras: Why must EVERYONE antagonize me?
Javert: Come on boy, I always wondered who would win in hand-to-hand combat.
Enjolras: Well then we must find out ::both roll up sleeves::
Grantaire: First a catfight and now, I guess we could call this a dogfight
Eponine: Make them stop!
Grantaire: Sorry darling, can't do. He's defending your honor, you should be impressed
Eponine: I don't care about honor, I just don't want to see him get hurt
Grantaire: Oh, you don't have to worry about him, he's pretty strong under that vest
Eponine: But Javert is more experienced!
Grantaire: And Enjolras is younger and quicker and smarter.
Gavroche: I'm taking bets
Grantaire: Twenty francs on Enjolras!
Valjean: I'd like to see Javert beat up as much as the next con, but this is childish and immature
Eponine: Exactly my point
Thenardier:: (who until now had stayed pretty silent) We should have a duel ::produces two swords from behind his back::
Enjolras: Fine by me ::Takes one of the swords and throws Javert the other::
Eponine: Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::The entire room fell silent::
Enjolras: (who realizes how foolish he's been acting) Oh my, what has gotten into me?
Javert: I thought we had already been over this. You have a thing for the street harlot and-
Eponine: (seeing Enjolras becoming angry again) Now listen here Javert. If I want to go cavorting around with Enjolras then I can. He's handsome and strong and a gentleman and that's more than I can say for you. So if I want to be with him then that is my business and not yours, so why don't you just get a life and leave us alone!
Enjolras: Well said Ponine!
Eponine: Well, thank you
Javert: I'm sorry my dear, um, lady, but as an enforcer of the law I don't think it prudent to allow this base, immoral affair to go any longer. Why, think how your parents would feel if they knew what you were doing with this, this ruffian
Mme Thenardier:: What? Is she doing something wrong? I told you not to get caught!
Enjolras: Ruffian? ::Begins counting backwards to calm himself down:: dix, neuf, huit, sept, six, cinq, quatre, trois, deaux, une….ah, much better
Javert: I'm just saying that-
Me: Stop! People, we are so close to the end, and I know how much you want to get out of here. Now either we can just watch you two bicker or we can finish this thing.
Eponine: Please, lets just get on with this, I do have a knife sticking out of my back you know!
Enjolras: Oh, I had forgotten, I'm sorry. We really should finish this dreadful thing.
Me: I'm sure Disney would appreciate that comment
The beast has a knife in her back, she goes to kill Gaston but then thinks better of it because of Belle. In the end, through no fault of the beast, Gaston plunges to her death.
Cosette: Plunge?
Me: Just fall, there's a mattress
Cosette: Only one?
Marius: Don't worry Cosette, I'll catch you
Grantaire: This I have to see
Cosette: (teetering off castle) I hope you're ready ::she drops::
Marius: Oh boy ::He catches her, barely::
Cosette: Oh my hero! ::the two begin to kiss shamelessly, and in front of her mother and father? Tsk, tsk::
Me: Anyway, Belle pulls the beast back into the castle where she lays dying in his arms
Eponine: This sounds familiar…
Me: Places people!
Eponine: You came back
Enjolras: If only I'd come here sooner
Eponine: Maybe it's better this way
Enjolras: No! Don't talk like that. We're together now. Everything will be fine
Eponine: At least I get to see you one last time.
Enjolras: We are home
We are where we shall be forever
Trust in me
For you know I won't run away
From today
This is all that I need
And all that I need to say is...
Don't you know how you've changed me
Strange how I fin'lly see
I found home
You're my home
Stay with me
Eponine: You know, Monsieur Enjolras, I think I was a little bit in love with you ::she dies::
Marius: (in whisper) That is not what she was supposed to say!
Grantaire: Ah, but it is better with it…
Enjolras: No! No, please! Don't leave me! I love you.
Grantaire: ::elbowing Marius:: Look, it's not in Bold
Marius: But that means-
The words Belle spoke have broken the curse. The beast transforms
Eponine:Belle, look into my eyes!
Belle, don't you recognize
The beast within the girl
Who's here before you?
Enjolras: It is you!
Enjolras and Eponine: Two lives have begun now
Two hearts become one now
One passion, one dream
One thing forever true
I love you!
All: Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast.
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast.
Enjolras: Wait, who has been tampering with the bolds?
Eponine: Oh, whoever did will pay
Me: Umm, the magical tape thing that records the words you say, it knows if you're acting or not
Eponine: Yeah, I wasn't born yesterday!
Me: No, it's true, I swear.
Enjolras: Swear on Javert's watery grave
Javert: Hey!
Me: (stumbling, fumbling and everything in between ) I, um, that wouldn't be right, he is alive and all…
Grantaire: They're in denial
Marius: That's a river in Egypt ::much groaning::
Javert: That's it, forget the blonde. You are going down Pontmercy
Marius: Uh oh…::Javert begins to chase Marius in a very comical manner::
Cosette: Stop it, leave him alone! Daddy, do something!
Valjean: I've already been chased by Javert enough for one lifetime, thank you very much
Enjolras: Well that was fun
Eponine: Very
Enjolras: Would you, um, like to get dinner?
Eponine: I'd love to
They walk out, arm in arm, to the sunset or whatever, Javert continues to chase Marius
Grantaire: (singing and very drunk)
Tale as old as time ::hiccup::
I had lots of wine
They're going out to dine
Ponine no must pine
Cosette: For the man who's mine
Grantaire:
I can't think of line
I need word to rhyme
Grime, line, mime, nine, vine!
GRIME, LINE, MIME, NINE, VINE!
The End