I just wanted to write something that has been bugging me since i posted this on here. I am not writing this story to display self harm in a positive manner and if you have previously self harmed then this isn't for you because it will probably trigger you or if you have been thinking about harming yourself then please don't, It will most likely turn into an addiction. I cannot stress enough that if you are feeling depressed or suicidal then talk to someone you can trust because there are people out there that can stop you feeling like you do.
The blood dripped down my defined arm in three straight lines until it stopped at the end of my fingers making a small puddle on the bathroom tile. I grasped the blade between my thumb and forefinger while twisting it around, playing with it like it was a harmless object that couldn't cause pain and guilt.
Kurt didn't know, nobody did. It was my secret to keep and if anybody found out, they would call me; Stupid, reckless, disgusting and I am all of those but it would hurt me even more to be reminded by people who I thought loved me that I was worthless. I couldn't deal with keeping this from Kurt any longer, he means the world to me, he is my world, the only person stopping me from ending it all but there was no way to unload this secret so I kept it to myself.
A knock on the door brought me back to my senses and I quickly grabbed a bunch of tissue, wiped my crimson-marked arm and swiped my sleeve down which covered all that I needed to. Unlocking the door, Kurt stared at me and I thought for a moment that he had discovered what I had been doing in there.
"Blaine.. What were you doing in there? You look flustered!" Kurt spat at me while looking at me up and down.
"I-I- Um-Was.." I stuttered incoherent sentences that nobody would ever understand and looked away from the dazzling blue orbs which made my heart crash against my ribcage.
"Never mind, lets go to bed" he whispered and grabbed my hand, pulling me into his room and down onto his bed where we lay side by side, silent and so still that we could be mistaken for being dead. I linked our fingers together and turned on my side to stare at the person who gave me a reason to live but what I wasn't expecting was for Kurt to be staring at me with his eyebrows knitted together and mouth shaped into a frown.
"What?" I said more harshly than I had expected and stared him directly in the eyes, waiting for his reply.
"You are hiding something and I don't like it!" he shouted at me, turning on his side and unlinking our fingers, leaving me feeling more lonely than I had ever felt, I stayed next to him on the bed and waited for his breathing to deepen and little snores escape him.
Getting up quietly from next to him, I shuffled into the bathroom towards the cupboard where I knew Kurt kept his blades to shave, I picked one up and stared at it for a moment before pulling my sleeve up and swiping it across my tanned forearm, the blood bubbled to the surface and stayed put. This wasn't deep enough. I pressed the blade harder into my arm and cut a deeper line, over and over down my arm until I felt light-headed and darkness was beginning to take over my sight.
I couldn't let the darkness take me, Kurt would find out if he woke up and I wasn't replying to his shouts through the bathroom door. I quietly put the lid of the toilet down and sat on it while taking deep breaths to try and clear my vision. It wasn't working so I let my tired mind rest by putting my forehead onto the sink and grasping onto it with my shaking hands. My eyes slid shut. Just a few minutes sleep...