AN: I think it's time for some Samcedes angst don't you? This oneshot is loosely based on the song Walk on Water or Drown by Mayday Parade.
You don't have to listen to it to understand but it's one of my favorite songs lol. Hope you guys like it.
xox
- We all fall to pieces. But at least you fell to me.
He tries, sometimes, to hold on to whatever little morality he has left. He doesn't know what to look for: a sign he's going to be okay, a sign things have changed. There's nothing there.
Sam watches Mercedes sleep. It's a night before he falls again, and he watches the softness in Mercedes' features. It's all he can do to stop himself from breaking down right then and there – and then he can't anymore.
"Sam?" Mercedes asks, because she's awake now, and she knows.
"I'm sorry," Sam whispers.
He can't stand knowing that he's going to hurt the one person he cares most about – and it's the only redemption he'd ever had. He watches Mercedes' eyes turn a darker shade, brown and strong and as fierce as an earthquake. As scary as one too, Sam thinks, because it is so full of love that he does not deserve.
"Please don't hurt yourself," Mercedes says, and it's a demand that Sam can't keep up with. He looks at the pills, but he falters, and it isn't because of his failing health, but because of the way Mercedes' eyes seem to cry out to him.
"I'm going for a walk," he says, and his heart clenches.
"Will you come back?"
Silence.
"Please, Sam."
He stops with his hand on the door handle, and for a second Mercedes thinks he's going to burst. Instead, Sam says, "I can't do this," and his voice is shaky and small, and Mercedes wonders what happened to the man whose smile lit up the room.
Mercedes can't take it anymore, then, and she slowly makes her way to her boyfriend. Sam backs into the wall, and once he hits the ground Mercedes crosses the small distance as fast as she can, and when Sam starts to cry she has her arms around him.
"Tell me I can do it," Sam says, and he shakes in Mercedes' arms. "Tell me everything will be fine."
Mercedes' kisses are soft and sweet, and she whispers, "you can, you can," and the worst part is, she believes it.
Sam's tears fall faster.
It's cold outside when they leave, hand in hand. Mercedes says, "You don't have to fight this alone," and Sam looks at the cuts on his wrist, and wonders if that's true.
They go to the pier, to the place they first spoke of their relationship, it seemed so long ago, the river looks frozen over now. "Maybe I should make another wish." Sam's fingers are crushed in between Mercedes', and when Sam looks down at them he can sense Mercedes' fear.
"You're the only one who –"
But he can't say it.
Mercedes' heart melts at the words, and she kisses him again, kisses his cheeks and his lips and his tears, and catches them as they fall. There is a hint of sadness in Sam's smile, because Mercedes has always been this way – has always understood him better than he did himself.
When Mercedes lets him go, Sam sticks his hand in his pocket, and when he pulls it out, he is holding the pills in his palm.
He doesn't look up at Mercedes until after he had thrown them on the ground, stepped on them, and crushed them to powder.
He watches them get wound with wind and dirt, and when they've gone away, his eyes meet dark browns.
Mercedes smiles with all of her features, and her eyes crinkle at the edges. They walk home hand in hand, and Sam's too afraid to speak. He keeps his eyes to the ground and wonders how much time will pass before he finds the next stack.
When they're in bed, and right before Mercedes falls asleep, Sam asks, "How long has it been?"
Mercedes' voice is soft, and she says, "5 months and 28 days."
"That's the longest I've ever been."
Mercedes sits up in bed, and runs her fingers through Sam's hair. Sam's eyes fall shut against her touch, and he thinks Mercedes might almost be able to wipe away the pain. Mercedes watches him, begging for a sign with her eyes, anything at all that could mean they'll be alright.
Sam smiles, but when he opens his eyes there is nothing there but pain and loneliness, and it is as if no time has passed at all since they'd left the hospital three years ago, as if it was only yesterday Sam had cried into her chest and said "I love you," with the most quiet voice Mercedes had known him to have.
Mercedes can't say anything then, but kiss him softly, and swallow away the lump in her throat. She thinks I hope one day you'll come back to me, and doesn't know Sam thinks he never can.