Exhausted and tired Thomas fell into his bed next to Brenda. Lately they often slept in a bed together, holding each other. Most of the time it kept the nightmares away, knowing that she was right next to him. Just this night, it didn't help at all…
Thomas stood in front of a metal table in a huge conference room. It was another memory, not a nightmare. This time he was 11. Maybe 12. His expression was cold and calculating. He didn't know this expression from himself and seeing it on his young face let cold shivers run down his back.
His eyes wandered through the room. He didn't know most of the faces but all of them were wearing the same clothes. Green laboratory smock. Then he crossed eyes with people he did know. Teresa, Aris, Rachel, chancellor Paige and… Brenda! His heart sank. He knew she worked for WICKED but somehow he always assumed she got there after he went into the maze. But he was wrong all this time. Brenda had been with the organisation for years! They knew each other. He could tell alone from how they looked at each other. The conversation on the table didn't really matter to him at this moment. The thought of Brenda knowing him before hurt too much. Brenda knew him. She knew who he was and what he did but she never said a word. All this time she was lying to him, acting like they were friends. His dreaming self wanted nothing more than to wake up. Wake up and get as far away from that scene as he could. Far away from Brenda.
He had to look away and concentrate on something else before the pain would choke him.
What was this meeting about?
His dreaming self went over to the table. Different documents were all over it. Taking a closer look Thomas noticed it were documents about the Gladers. Minho, Newt, Frypan, Ben, Alby, Gally, Chuck. This meeting was definitely about his group. Group A. He recognized other faces but couldn't recall their names. The only thing he did know was that they were all dead. Dead because of him. Dead because he helped WICKED design that stupid maze.
„We need another variable. Who's gonna save your life?" It was chancellor Paige who asked him that question. „A sacrifice will cause a very interesting stimulation.", said Teresa confirming. Her voice was calm. He hadn't heard her in so long. Thomas could still hear her suffocating voice every night and once again the pain about her loss rushed through him.
Brenda took some of the documents and handed them over to him. „I think these are great candidates for the variable." She sounded different than usually. More sceptical, like she really didn't want to be here and be doing that. The young version of Thomas nodded thoughtfully. His eyes laid on the documents. He took a close look at every one of them, studying them, sorting them out until there was only one document left. „Him.", he said with a cold voice. He had never heard himself speak that way before. His dreaming self didn't want to know whose picture was on that document. He didn't want to see it because he already knew. The guilt weight heavier than ever on his shoulders. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be true. The young Thomas put the last document down and his bad feeling was confirmed. Chuck. Looking at his picture finally took Thomas breath away but not in a good way. It hurt more like everything else he had ever expierenced.
„I want him to die. He's the right one.", said the young version of Thomas. It was a last order. Nothing that could be discussed. It was his decision and no one would question it. Though Thomas really wished someone would do it. Knock him out. Kill him. Anything. But no one moved. They all just nodded and whispered to each other what a good idea it was. Only the other Gladers didn't look so happy. Neither did Brenda but what were they gonna do? They knew Thomas didn't have a choice. He had to choose one. They would've made him choose one if he said no so he just made a decision.
„Good choice.. he wouldn't survive the maze anyway.", said Teresa. Her face said something else though. She looked at him in a comforting way. Telling him it was okay. Telling him he didn't have a choice but to choose one and either way, one would've died. „Let's hope he survives as long as we need him.", added Brenda with the same look on her face. The young Thomas was still wearing his cold face. No comfort in the world wold make him feel good about this. There was no apology. He sentenced his friend, his brother, to death for an experiment…
Gasping and dripping in sweat Thomas woke up from his memory. He got up and moved away from Brenda, who was still sleeping next to him. His entiry body was shaking. No dream had been this bad before. Chuck's death was his fault. It was his order and Brenda handed his documents over to him. Anger, grieve and disappointment surrounded him and wouldn't let him breathe.
Slowley he left the room. He didn't want to wake Brenda up. He didn't want to talk to her. Not now and he couldn't tell if he'd ever be able to talk to her again. Not even Teresas's betrayal had hurt that much.
Thomas tripped down the stairs and went into the small kitchen. He didn't know where else to go. At this point he didn't know anything anymore. The shock was numbing him. He sat down at the wall, put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. He felt like crying but no tear came. He wanted to scream until his lungs hurt but no sound would leave his throat. The guilt was drowning him, tearing him up inside. At this point he wished WICKED would've killed him a long time ago. He started to believe that he deserved all of it.
The pictures of Chuck, telling him with tears he wanted to go home, his smiling face when he told him something Thomas didn't know and his scared face when Chuck was dying in his arms flashed through his mind over and over again. Thomas pushed the heels of his hands against his eyeballs as hard as he could as if it would make the memories go away. Block them out. Make him forget what he just saw. His heart hurt so much he thought it would stop any minute.