Dougie
chaper 1
I just came out of there, deep breaths. Think about your breathing! Sit up, go to meetings. Believe in yourself, you can do it. It just takes time. More than I want. Does it even ever end? You know the feeling of … of nothing, emptiness. Hollow? The faces, the masks. I can't be the only one, the only one with a mask. Or am I just that weird, I mean I know I'm not your normal guy but still.
"doug!" I turned around at the sound, it was tom I know but he wasn't supposed to be here. He was out with Gi, I thought. "yes?" in a fluent movement I put my plate on the table, and looked in his eyes.
"Sorry were back this early, Gi wasn't feeling well" Gi walked past the kitchen waving at me. I waved back and proceeded to take the cutlery, "she'll be alright, just an upset stomach" he continued. I smiled and answer "well, she did produce Buzz here, so an upset stomach won't kill her" tom smiled back. "that my friend is very true" Gi yelled from the family room.
As I ate my spaghetti tom came and sit next to me, "bad thoughts?" he asked, I nodded. I tried to keep quiet, not only the voices but also how I really felt, " will you tell me?" he continued "I want to Tom, I just don't know how." I replied, I stopped eating at this point, my hunger was over, not because of the conversation but because of, I don't know of what. Seemed to happen a lot with these new medication.
"I understand Doug, you know that" "if I want to talk" I continued, I know the drill, I've heard it many times before. I know they all mean well, especially Tom, and I know that it might have sounded rude but, this all makes me feel like a puppet. "sorry" I said getting up and placing my plate full of spaghetti on the counter. Tom gave me an nod and walked to the living room.
I looked outside trough the foggy window, this house feels so small again. "I'm going for a walk" I yelled, making my way to the door. " okay Doug" tom yelled back, " put on a scarf, its cold out" Gi continued. I thanked her for the suggestion, waved good bye and left. Gi was right, it is very cold out here. I could see my own breath. I like that tough, makes me think I'm smoking again.