Title: Wanting Harry Potter

Rating: PG-13

Authors: Iris Kravitz and Roslyn Knight

Summary: After Harry has an adventure on Privet Drive and his appearance changes for the better, everyone suddenly wants Harry Potter. What's a boy to do when everyone around him is turning gay? Why, flirt of course.

Authors note: First off, any Slash-phobics can get user friendly with the back button. Not meaning to be ultimately rude, but there is warning in the summary and writing is an individual preference kind of thing, so what we like may not appeal to others. Besides with society heading in such a positive direction towards homosexuals, we just had to take advantage.

Any way, no offence, but we really are busy between school and writing this so, yeah. Besides, it's extremely amusing to manipulate gay characters, especially when there in denial. He he. 

Also, because there's two of us, mistakes are going to, hopefully, be a rare occurrence. If you do happen to come across a mistake, email us and we'll get on to fixing everything. By the by, sorry for killing Snape's wonderful character, but sacrifices had to be made!

Be warned: extreme OOC-ness ahead

On with the story! Oh and R and R! (Just to be unbearably clichéd!)

Harry lay awake listening to his Uncle's snores. He idly pondered if Voldermort had taken up residence in Vernon's throat and used a 'Sonorous' spell ten time over in order to get such a horribly loud noise. This thought was cut short when Vernon heaved particularly loudly and Harry changed the magnification from ten to ten thousand.

The house wasn't as silent as it should have been; Harry suddenly realized when he heard a pan clatter to the floor and a mixture of cursing and laughing. Harry scooped his wand out from under his pillow and snuck out of the room, padding down the hall. He made it to the top of the stairs, looking down into the darkness and trying to catch a glimpse of whatever was making the noises.

"How do you think we're going to warn Po…? Oh screw this," there was a thump as someone dropped onto the couch.

"No Lucius…screw me," a deeper voice was heard and Harry's mouth dropped open in horror.

"Fuck, it should be illegal to be this hot,"

When he didn't hear anything for awhile, he took a few cautious steps down the stairs. Suddenly different, disturbing noises found their way to his ears. Making it to the bottom of the stairs, he was horrified to see a head of blonde peeking over the top of the couch. He heard a seductive moan from under the blonde. Harry let out a horrified squeal and fell backwards onto the stairs. The blonde jumped from the couch and Harry found himself face to face with Lucius Malfoy.

"Potter- I was just…. Uh… well….you see…" Lucius stuttered.

"What- are- you –doing-in-my –living room? Wait, what are you doing to my Uncle's couch!" Harry yelled in distress, his left eye twitching.

Suddenly, Severus Snape was standing behind Lucius, flushed and in his boxers.

"Aaaaarrrgggghhh! My eyes! They sting!" Harry cried. He took off his glasses and blinked. "Hey! I can see without my glasses!"

Lucius and Snape stared at Harry in shock. Lucius turned to Snape, his eyes wide and mouth open. Snape nodded at Lucius' hidden question.

"Potter has become miraculously hot,"

"Yes," Lucius agreed, inspecting Harry from behind "Very tight ass. Can't believe we missed it all these years. I mean… that's what I would think… if I were gay,' He laughed nervously and Harry gave him an incredulous look.

"If you were gay. What do you mean: if you were gay? What do you call what you were doing with Snape on my Uncle's couch just then?" Snape was snickering in the back ground, watching Lucius squirm with apparent lust. Harry shot him a disgusted look.

"I'm just experimenting!" Lucius replied indignantly.

"It doesn't matter. Just…What are you doing here?" Harry glared fiercely, and without his glasses, Severus and Lucius shifted slightly under the intense green.

"Oh, yes. We were just coming to warn you of a Death Eater attack. Nothing big," Severus waved his hand casually.

A bang came from the door and Severus shot a locking charm at the handle.

"That will only hold the Death Eaters for awhile. We'll just make our escape. Don't worry, all you have to do is smile at them and they'll be reduced to drooling puddles of sap," Severus winked and wiggled his fingers "Tootles," Lucius gave a half attempt at glaring at Harry to regain his pride, but gave up after Severus' next comment.

"Now I see why Draco is always going on about Potter. He must have seen him without those dreadful glasses," Severus apparated and then Lucius followed, but not before pinching Harry's ass good bye.

"WHAT!" The Death Eaters on the other side of the door burst through after Harry's yelled exclamation. Five of them ran in, wands flailing. They suddenly froze as they caught side of Harry. Harry started trying to edge to the door when they didn't stop staring for awhile. One of the Death Eaters suddenly snapped out his stupor and leaned his arm against the wall, blocking the exit.

"Sooo, who might you be, hot stuff?" Harry shuddered at the lust in all the Death Eaters eyes and pressed his eyes tightly closed as the Death Eater leaned in, anticipating some kind of spell. Instead a wet tongue slithered its way into his mouth and began exploring it. Harry's eyes snapped wide in shock and he was surprised to discover that he enjoyed the sensation. Suddenly a scream interrupted the two and Harry brought his hand up and slapped the Death Eater.

"You bitch!" the Death Eater blinked in surprise and then his expression softened.

"Don't be mad,' the Death Eater swept Harry's hair lovingly out of his eyes. Suddenly, his eyes widened comically.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… shit," the Death Eater cursed "shit, shit, and shit. The Dark Lord is going to throw a fucking hissy fit."

"And why would that be?" Harry said, crossing his arms and tapping his foot.

"The dark lord has a rather…er…..unhealthy obsession with you."

"HE HAS A CRUSH ON ME!"

"Oh, more than a crush, Potter, much more than a crush."

Harry shuddered in disgust. Suddenly, the Death Eater threw Harry over his shoulder, carrying him to the door. Harry began kicking and screaming in protest. He managed to see his uncle frothing at the mouth, his aunt's eyes were rolling madly, as large as saucers, and Dudley passed out on the floor. They had obviously seen the kiss; the Dursleys were extremely homophobic.

Suddenly the door burst open again, and Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Molly Weasley, Charlie Weasley, and Fleur Delacour rushed into the living room. Duels broke out all over the room, and Charlie and Fleur rushed to Harry's aid. The Death Eater spotted them coming and began rushing to the exit, Harry still kicking and screaming.

"Let go of my 'Arry, you ass'ole!" Fleur yelled. Charlie suddenly stopped running and grabbed Fleur's arm.

"What do you mean, your Harry? He's mine!"

"Yours! Vat are you talking about? 'E is mine!"

"You French are so slutty!" (1)

"You racist bastard!" Fleur and Charlie started casting spells on each other. Suddenly Molly swooped in and cast a stunning spell on the Death Eater who was still holding Harry. Harry fell to the floor with the Death Eater on top of him.

Harry heard Charlie whining.

"Mum! I was supposed to save Harry!"

"Oh, and a great job you were doing of it, too! Fighting with your own side!"

The Death Eater's body was gently lifted off Harry, and he was lifted into a hug.

"Oh, Harry I was so worried!"

"So was I," Charlie chimed in, pushing his mother out of the way and hugging Harry while his hands slipped down Harry's back, squeezing his ass.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Harry cried, slapping Charlie's hands away.

"Oh for heavens sake, Charlie! Stop molesting the poor boy! He was just attacked; he doesn't need you doing it too!"

"Yez, Charlie!" Fleur purred smugly, hugging Harry, before sticking her hands up his shirt and stroking his chest. Harry screamed and fell back onto the couch, then screamed again and jumped off when he remembered what had been happening on it previously.

Everyone shot him curious looks, before Remus stepped forward.

"We're going to take you to another location in the remote countryside. You will be safe there and there will be suitable… supervision," Harry got the impression that Remus seemed to think the word supervision was not appropriate to the occasion.

"But why can't I just stay with the Dursleys?" Harry asked curiously. Not that he actually wanted to.

"Have you seen them lately," Tonks asked incredulously, pointing to the corner. Dudley was lying on the floor, taking huge laborious breathing eyes, wide and unseeing. He looked like he was on the urge of a heart attack. Aunt Petunia was staring at a fleck of drool on the floor with a horrified expression and Uncle Vernon was still frothing at the mouth.

"Oh." Harry replied upon seeing the Dursleys. Remus handed Harry a glue stick out of his pocket. Harry gave Remus a confused look as he accepted it.

"Portkey." Remus explained simply. Remus laid a finger on the glue stick and began to count down:

"Three… two…one."

The last thing Harry saw were Charlie, Fleur, Tonks, and Mrs. Weasley waving.

Remus and Harry appeared outside a huge mansion. Harry looked around the grounds in curiosity. There were lush rolling hills surrounding him and he almost forgot about the sheer chaos of his day, so amerced was he in the peacefulness. Until they made it to the front door.

The doors burst open and Harry came face to face with his deceased Godfather.

Heh heh!

(1) No offence if you're French, it's all in favor of the story. One of our friends speaks French and lived there for awhile. Besides, Fleur gives as good as she gets.