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Fate
I've often wondered what would what would have happened if I had made it onto that elevator. If I hadn't fallen down the stairs and into that strange, dark world. If I hadn't left my body in the human world and given Cherubimon my mind. Would I have finally had the courage to talk to Kouji? Would I have just stayed behind with all the others who didn't go to the Digital World? Would Duskmon never have existed if I had been faster when I ran after my twin? I've often wondered if Duskmon could have been prevented, or if, perhaps, it was just fate.
I was giddy, as I usually was when I stalked him, high off the idea that I would finally meet him. Today was the day. A street corner was no place to bring up such things as a broken family, nor was a flower shop, nor any of the other places. It was obvious I couldn't do it with his other family around. What would I say to them any way? 'Hello, it's your long lost son! I was just wondering if I could talk to Kouji for a bit.' Never mind that it's flat out not in my nature to say something like that. Besides, one step at a time, I needed to talk to Kouji first; after all, he was my twin.
So, here I was, on a train, not quite sure where I was going, my hands clasped above my head, my hat securely on my head, staring at my brother out of the corner of my eye. Every now and then, I'd catch a glimpse of another boy across from Kouji, sitting down and panting. The two pulled out their cell phones, a luxury I couldn't afford, and I say the boy stand up and yell something. He made me want to smile, that boy, but I was too focused on the message Kouji had just received to pay much attention. Vaguely, I wondered if they had gotten the same message, if maybe they were friends, but Kouji wasn't reacting half as much as the other boy, so I dismissed the thought.
The train began to slow and I scampered to the door, falling all over the place and muttering half formed apologies to people who didn't seem to care. As the doors slid open, I caught a glimpse of the other boy staring at Kouji in confusion. Suddenly, people were pouring out of the compartment around me, nudging me every now and then, and I saw Kouji pass, back strait, hands thrust into his pockets. No hesitation, I slid out after him, trailing close behind. After all, today was the day. Besides, I was running off adrenalin by then anyway. He was heading towards the elevator; I was no more than tree steps behind, jogging to keep up.
In what seemed like less than a second, he was at the elevator. I was tripping all over the place from nerves, but still right behind him. Kouji pressed the down button, impatience written all over his face. I was dangerously close behind him, so close I could almost feel his body heat radiating out from him like candle light in the darkness. The thought occurred to me to talk to him right then and there. But no, there were to many people; I could do it in the elevator, when it was just the two of us.
"Kouji." I didn't realize I'd muttered the name aloud, thankfully not at any kind of understandable volume, until he spoke to me.
"You say something," he snapped, not looking at me. Heat was rushing into my face, giving it a tomatoeish shade. My mouth was opening and closing in a most unbecoming way, causing the tomato to darken.
"Oh God, not here, not now, not in front of all these people," I thought, panicking in a very real sense. Perhaps you don't know, but in Japan, such things as blushing, stuttering, or shaking in public are considered as embarrassing as farting while a couple is exchanging wedding vows, especially for someone like me. I had to do something; I couldn't just stand there looking like an idiot. Then the elevator arrived, and Kouji stepped in, pressing the basement floor button, and I followed quickly, glad for the distraction.
"Well," he said sharply, pressing the close-doors button and clearly irritated. I could see his head moving, turning, his eyes seeking to trap mine with that cold stare. He was going to look at me. The thought made me turn even redder, shaking slightly. I couldn't let him see me, not now, not like this. But I was powerless to turn away, powerless to pull my hat down, powerless to tear my eyes from my twin, powerless to speak. The doors were closing, locking me in with him looking as I did. A part of me considered darting out through those doors, back to the safety of outside the elevator, but something came flying through, blocking my path as jerked towards the doors. That something was the other boy, the one I had seen before, panting and slumped against the back wall, his brown hair messed and goggles out of place. Kouji turned his attention to the new boy, giving him a hard look and me a chance to turn my back to him and compose myself.
I let out a low sigh of relief, feeling the redness drain from my face now that I was no longer in the spot light. Staring at the wall, I promised myself that I would make an offering at the next shrine I passed. Granted, I had next to nothing to offer, but the thought made me feel better. Suddenly, I wasn't staring at a wall, but through it, and we were going way deeper than any basement. There were people, kids about my age, milling about several trains, forming a circle around the elevator. Each train was going a different direction, radiating out from the center of the circle like beams of light. They all looked ordinary enough, there was a variety of colors, but the shape was right… and yet, some how, they felt, what's the word, off. Like they were more than just trains. No one else seemed to notice, but I'd always had a sense of what was under the surface, a feeling of what things truly were. Like the boys at school who call me a freak since I'm quiet. Maybe it's true, but I can't hate them for it, after all, they only do it because they're afraid. Afraid of those different from themselves, just like every one else.
I had relatively very little time to take in everything before the elevator crashed into the ground, its doors opening. Kouji was the first one out, his long hair swishing like a tail behind him and I, of course, followed, this time allowing some space between us. There was a voice, female and slightly distorted, coming from the other boys phone, something about choosing a train. As he looked down at the small screen, I slipped out unnoticed like I was so good at, darting to the train next to the one Kouji was considering. He stepped onto the back, gripping the rail as he pulled himself up. My own hands tightened on my train's rail and I felt it jerk as if it was starting to move, pulling me off balance. I collapsed against the metal posts as the train rolled back into place, as if to tell me to get on or let go. The other boy was yelling, chasing after one of the departing trains, the one on the other side of Kouji's actually, as my brother watched, amused. Most people never saw such emotions, at his school people even called him cold, but I knew better. Perhaps I was imagining it, or maybe it was twin ESP, but I knew he was finding this other boy chasing the train funny and, when the boy actually managed to get on, even regarded him with a bit of approval. More than I'd ever got, but I didn't have time to drop into bitterness as my train gave another jerk and I was forced to get on or be left behind.
The speed of the train's take off sent me against the rail again, the metal colliding with my stomach and threatening to send me flying off the back. Gasping, I grouped about behind me for the compartment door, glancing at the strange tunnel the train had entered. After what seemed like minutes, I found the handle and pulled the door open, jumping into the safer environment. The lights were on and the seats comfortable enough, but it was deserted. I looked through all the other compartments too, but there wasn't a sole in any of them. Silently, I cursed myself for not getting on the same train as Kouji; a long train ride with just the two of us would have been perfect. And I wouldn't have been able to avoid a conversation either. There would have been no way for him not to notice me.
That last thought was bitter, as it always was when it floated to my mind. After all, I'd been constantly beside him for how long now? Weeks? Months? A year even? I didn't know any more, but I had come to notice that he had a remarkable talent for ignoring people. But with me, it was different, he didn't seem to even see me no matter how close I got. It was remarkably depressing that the first thing he'd ever said to me was a sharp question. Whether or not I had said something. I sighed, moving to sit down on one of the plush seats when the train jerked again, its frame shaking. The shock sent me to my tailbone, hissing in pain and clutching the wall to steady myself. Then I felt something, within me as well as about me, another presence melding with mine. I felt it sharing my pain and bitterness, feeding it, fueling the hatred already inside of me, but that passes and it became warm, content, painless. That, too, passed and I was left cold and confused, a strange weight suddenly in my back pocket.
Cautiously, I reached into that pocket, my fingers brushing against the foreign object now resting there. I pulled it out, feeling its practical weightlessness before I saw it. It was grey and oddly shaped, roundish and larger at the bottom, where the screen was, than at the top, which held two buttons. The black grips on its sides, warm and made of a material I couldn't quite identify, didn't seem to fit well until it occurred to me that I might be holding it upside down. Embarrassed despite the fact that no one was around, I turned it around and immediately felt exhilarated. It was perfect, fitting into, every curve of my hand as if it had been designed specifically for me; specifically for my hand. "The thought made me giddy, but at the same time uncomfortable. I was never good at accepting presents, partly because it was not in my nature to do so and partly because Mom had never been good at lying to me about being able to afford it.
Besides, if anyone deserved a present, it was Mom. She always worked so hard and she never ever complained about it. 'What will she do when I don't come home tonight,' I thought guiltily. 'I'll have to find a way back as soon as I can.' I'd been so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed the sunlight now filling the compartment. Gingerly, I got up, still a little sore from my fall, and glanced out the window. What greeted me certainly wasn't what I was expecting. There was sky, sun light, clouds, but no ground. Looking down all one could see was darkness going down, and down, and down. I looked away, turning my attention to the clouds instead. They were all rather uniform in appearance, like little white ghosts without arms floating next to the train window. Then one of them looked at me, a cloud looked t me, with a tiny little smiling mouth and rather cute little black eyes. I gasped and stepped back, understandably surprised. Then, the train started talking to me.