I need to feeling like his life resolves around mind.

I message him when he's not home, but he doesnt respond

I ask him about the message, and he responds with a confirmative

He obviously doesnt want to talk to me as much as i want to talk to him

But i know its not his fault, its mine. Im the one who is paranoid about his attention

Im the one who wants to ask him every question that comes to mind

Im the one bothering him, seeking him out in the morning, suffocating him under stupidity.

I tell myself i need to let off, and what scares me is that I try, and still I do far too much.

When i get online, i look for his presence, he is the only reason im online.

Sometimes i pretend to message or call him by accident, just to get his attention

Sometimes i do contact him on accident, and im so worried he thinks its on purpose.

Sometimes i wait to respond to his messages, despite me reading them immediatly

I worry he thinks im paying too much attention to him.

If he takes an hour to respond to my message, shouldnt I take an hour?

But i dont, i cant, i want to speak to him so much.

Sometimes it seems like he hates me, he's annoyed at my messages.

But sometimes he spends hours talking to me, interested by everything i have to say.

I feel like every hour that he's living his life, is an hour he spends ignoring me.

But this isnt neglect, this is paronia, this is my fault, not his.

I hate him for not responding to me, not caring, not wanting this as much as I do.

But i hate myself more, oh so much more.

I hate myself for my reactions, my obsessions, my inability to just not-care.

I hate myself for being akward, and so transparent in my patheticness.

I hate myself for being pathetic, for being a lousy friend.

And i hate myself for how I bother him, making him feel at fault.

The worst things i do, is when I ask if I bother him, if he thinks me annoying

It paints myself clearly, in all its insane faults, before his very eyes.

He never answers yes, he always says im fine, and sometimes his answers sting so much.

He plays it down, like he doesnt notice what im doing, he pretends to not see my crazy responces.

He doesnt tell me im trying too hard, im obsessing, and im crazy..

He doesnt tell me im boring, im a bother, or that my personality is annoying.

I just wish we could communicate, our messages left unfiltered, that our minds were melded,

Our souls interwined. What he says for himself is his own, what i say for him always fits.

Why cant we just speak unfettered, our connection true and honed?