A/N: Don't be too harsh, I haven't written anything in about two years and the last thing I wrote was Sam/Gabriel and this is based off someone else's awesome story. So you should all go read Twist and Shout by gabriel, standbyme. Type "Twist and Shout destiel" into Google, you'll find it. Please read that first or this probably won't make much sense at all. This is an alternate ending after chapter 7, because I cried myself to sleep over this story and I needed a different ending for my own peace of mind.
It takes Dean about four days to realize he's no better off alone than he was where he came from.
He's been gone at least three days when the nightmares come back. When he searches for the warm body that's supposed to be next to him, he becomes fully conscious and then wishes he hadn't.
He lays there in a cold sweat, trying to get his bearings before he remembers what he's done. As he looks around the motel room walls, he's struck by this urge to just hear Castiel's voice and maybe everything will settle down and his heart will stop racing.
When he looks at the clock it's three in the morning, but suddenly he doesn't care. He just has to hear Cas speak. Maybe if he hears his voice, things will go back to normal and he can beg for Cas' forgiveness and somehow, everything will work out.
(In the back of his mind, he knows it will never work out, he's the one who left, he's the one who can't stop dreaming of Cas lying dead on the ground, and that's not going to magically change and Cas has no reason to forgive him but that's who Cas is and he will. Please, God, he has to.)
The tension physically relaxes in his chest when the phone starts ringing. Cas will answer, Cas always answers no matter the time because he's the responsible one and it might be an emergency.
"Cas," he breathes into the phone as soon as he hears him pick up.
"Dean?" Cas' voice is breathless, like he just woke up and he's in shock that Dean's calling him. Oh, God, what is he doing?
"Cas." He finds himself unable to say anything meaningful, so he settles for repeating his name and breathing in deeply for the first time since he woke up – maybe the first time in three days.
"Dean, where are you? Are you okay?" Cas' voice is anxious. 'Are you okay,' he could kick himself. Dean's not okay, he hasn't been okay for a long time.
"I'm at a motel," Dean says slowly, measuring out the words on his tongue. "I... just wanted to tell you I'm sorry." For running away, for not being what you need, for killing you as well as me.
"Dean, talk to me. Please." Cas sounds like he's near tears and Dean should have never done this, he should have kept his problems to himself, oh, God. "Just tell me what's going on."
"I keep seeing you dead," he whispers shamefully. "Every time I close my eyes I dream you're dying, or you're sick, or I killed you." This last one is the most hurtful. He doesn't want to hurt Cas, hasn't ever hurt Cas, at least not physically, as far as he knows.
"There was this kid," and Cas waits patiently, like he always does, and Dean has no idea how to say these things but he's going to lose Cas if he doesn't, and that spurs him on. "And he was just this goofy little kid, and he was the same age as Sam. And he acted like him. Stupid cocky little bastard. And he kept asking questions and I finally told him about us." He hears Cas suck in a breath, an involuntary reaction on Cas' part, he knows, because Cas is always scared of someone knowing about them. He doesn't want them to hurt Dean. It's a silly thought, because Dean's already been scarred more than anyone could do to him physically.
"And then someone shot him. Right in front of me. I still see it when I close my eyes." Cas makes a soft noise of sympathy, and that's Dean's undoing. But he is not going to cry. He's not, because if he starts he's not going to stop, and the problem, for once, is not him, the problem is Cas and he hurt Cas because he is a piece of shit. No crying. Not right now. Not until he gets this out, for once in his life, and then maybe his demons will be exorcised and they can not talk about it ever again.
"I was calling him little brother by the end," he mumbles, but he knows Cas hears him.
"Dean," Cas says, and hearing him say his name means everything.
"Please, Cas. I know I screwed up. I know I hurt you and I know I've been a shitty person to live with lately. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just give me another chance and I'll get better for you. I know people don't get over this stuff, but I'm going to try, for you. Please, Cas, please." His eyes and throat are watery and he should just stop talking, but he has one more thing to say. "Please, Cas, I love you."
He hears muffled sobbing, like Cas started crying into his pillow, but then he comes back on the phone. "I love you too. But if you come back, you're in this for the long haul. Married people don't leave each other, and I swear if you run away again, I'll, I'll-" Dean almost smiles, because he knows Cas is trying to think of a good enough threat and he can't.
"I know, Cas. I know."
Then Cas says the words he's been praying he'll hear. "Come home, Dean," and the dam in his chest breaks loose.