A/N: After working with Niah1988 on Squints' Secret Singularities and the success of Under the Influence had, I decided it was time I turned my hand to another humour fic. Well at least I hope it's funny. Drop me a line and tell me what you think!
Bicker, bicker, bicker. That's all Angela ever heard. Day in, day out. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If the bickering didn't stop soon, she was about to go on a major killing spree. And she knew the first two people on her hit list.
Another day of bickering dawned in the office of Angela Montenegro. She sat with her head in her hands, eyes wide with thought, pondering the best way to cut out their voice boxes. Sword, samurai or spoon?
She couldn't take it anymore. "Enough! All you two ever do is squabble," she shouted, causing Booth and Brennan to stop dead in their tracks. "I've tried helping you guys in simple ways but nothing ever works!"
Booth whispered in Brennan's ear, "Ok, just back away slowly."
This made Brennan laugh. Angela rounded on her. "You think this is funny? I've aged thirty years listening to you two! And I can't do it anymore! Now I'm gonna have to do something drastic!" Angela proclaimed, pulling open a drawer and waving a pair of handcuffs.
Brennan's mouth hung open. "Now Ange, don't do something you may regret," she spoke slowly, trying to calm her best friend. Brennan felt like they'd poked a sleeping bear in the eye with a very sharp stick.
"Regret?" she cackled. "Anything to get a little quiet around here ya know! It's like listening to a pair of budgies twitter all freaking day long! "
"Oh she's cracked," Booth said, moving to Brennan's side in attempt to head for the door.
Angela lunged forward, snapping one cuff round each wrist. Brennan and Booth's faces were a picture. Brennan's mouth was in a round 'O' shape and Booth looked like he was about to pass out.
"You two will wear these until you learn to live together. You will go out in public together. You will eat together. You will interrogate together. You will wear these until you can live in harmony together!" Angela said solemnly.
She sounded so fierce Booth uttered a quick, "Yes Ma'am!"
Brennan whined. "But Angela, they're fluffy!"
"Tough," she said harshly. Brennan spotted the key. She made a move towards it when Angela noticed and picked it up. "Don't even think about it." She dangled it close to her mouth. "One more step and you lose this baby forever to my intestines. Do you really wanna retrieve it after that?"
Brennan stepped back to Booth's side. "Now get out and don't come back until you two can talk nicely to each other without fighting for five minutes!" Angela growled, pointing at the door.
The pair went outside and closed the door behind them. "I think Angela could have scared off Hitler with a voice like that."
Brennan laughed.
"There is no way in Hell I am interrogating hard-assed criminals dressed like a powder-puff!" Booth said, after Brennan asked what they should do.
"I didn't know Angela was into this sorta thing at all. No wonder Hodgins is always lurking round her office," Brennan muttered, eyeing the pink and fluffiness of the cuffs.
Booth shuddered. "Jeez Bones, now I wanna become celibate."
Booth paused a moment. "I've got an idea. We should call in a sickie and spend the rest of the day having a good time with some other liked-minded people!"
"You wouldn't be a swinger by any chance, would you Booth?" she asked, her eyes filled with amusement.
"No!" he said indignantly. "Right ok, you just blew that idea right out into the hemisphere. Just throw a sickie then?"
"We can't throw a 'sickie'. We're already at work," she replied, frowning at her partner.
"You clearly know nothing Bones. Seriously, do you ever let your hair down?" he asked, eyeing her serious expression.
"But my hair is down!" she moaned, clutching her waves with her free hand.
"Never mind. Let's go!" He didn't wait for her to start moving. He just began pulling her along by the handcuff.
"Dr Brennan is feeling ill! I'm taking her home!" he yelled at a puzzled Zack and Hodgins.
"We're going back to mine?" she asked.
"Nope," he grinned, "We're going to lunch!"
The lunch plan hadn't been such a great idea. Every time Brennan moved her knife, she yanked Booth's fork away. She brought the knife up to her fork and plastered some food onto it.
She moved the food to her mouth at the exact same moment Booth tried to eat something. He was just about to bite it when it was pulled away. He kept pursuing until it was too far away.
He stretched out his tongue, trying to reach it, wishing desperately to eat when it moved again He lost his temper. "Damn it Bones, are you deliberately trying to wind me up!?" he asked, very annoyed.
"Oh here," she said, equally as annoyed, thrusting his hand back in his general direction. The food splattered on his face and he shot her a nasty growl before wiping it off.
"Booth," she whispered, "I need the loo."
"Wait till we get home," he hissed back.
"I can't. I'm bursting. I haven't been all day," she grimaced.
"All right," he said, helping her to her feet. "Let's be quick!"
He ushered her to the ladies' toilets and she hunted round each cubicle carefully. Booth was losing patience. "Honestly Bones, just go in any one. They all do the same thing!"
She snapped back at him. "Unlike guys, who just piss anywhere, we need a toilet that locks and has paper!"
There was such venom in her voice that Booth shut up. She went into a cubicle at last, closing the door the best she could. He heard her trying to unzip her jeans and Booth did his best not to blush.
"Booth, you need to give me a bit more room here," she said exasperatedly, yanking on the handcuffs repeatedly. Booth hit his head on the side of the door repeatedly as she yanked, being pretty much helpless to Brennan's powerful force.
Head spinning while boogying Zacks in cowboy hats danced round his head, Booth slid his focus towards the door. It was opening. A small blonde walked in and gave him a smile before realising he was a man.
She let out a weird 'eep' before running from the toilets. He was still trying to recover from the Brennan beating when two tall brunettes entered the toilets, talking excitedly. They screamed and ran out.
"Bones a bit of speed please!" he said, fidgeting uncomfortably.
"Can't hurry nature Booth!" she shot back.
The worst was yet to come. An old woman ambled into the toilet, her huge red handbag swinging on her arm.
Booth did his best to try and smile at her but to no avail. "Dirty man! In the ladies room. I'll show you a thing or two!" she screeched, swinging the purse at him.
It connected with his arm and he let out a yelp. She beat him a few more times, getting one or two on his head. She then left promptly without so much as a glance back.
Brennan appeared from the cubicle. She took one look at Booth and asked, "What happened to you?"
Booth's only answer was, "Women. Pretty women. Old women."
She raised an eyebrow as she crossed to wash her hands. Booth stumbled after her, thinking he should just go offer Angela his domestic services forever to get out of this awful deal.
Once they got back into the main restaurant, Booth spied the old woman talking with two security guards. He hissed at her. "Thanks a lot Bones. Because you couldn't keep your trap shut in front of Angela, I'm now handcuffed to you, been shrieked at three times ad been bashed by an old granny with a bag full of cat food!"
"And now we're being escorted from the building. Yeah thanks Bones," he growled.
"This isn't my fault and you know it," she said, giving him a sharp elbow in the ribs.
"And now I'm crippled," he said, sliding to the floor as the guards approached them.
Sitting at the roadside in the pouring rain with a half-dead Booth was not a good game plan. She was cold, wet and totally not enjoying this. Plus people kept shooting her funny looks, causing her to shout, "No I didn't bash his head in!"
After that, people seemed to move particularly fast, almost as if they were running away. Strange.
Booth rubbed his forehead and sat up. "That's it, my apartment now!"
And off they set to the SUV.
The drive was interesting to say the least. Booth jerked the wheel a lot with his hands, causing Bones to smack her head off the gear stick.
"Booth," she barked. "See if you don't stop doing that, I'm going to have reverse imprinted on the side of my head forever!"
Stupid, foolish Booth. He laughed. She elbowed him again, making his fingernails dig into the steering wheel and her grin nastily.
"Bones, I'm off for a shower!" he waved merrily, indicating he was leaving for two minutes.
"Hey Einstein, we're still attached," she gave a little tug on the cuffs.
"Right, this could be a problem," he said, walking her up the hall and reaching into the hall closet for a towel.
"Looks like you'll need to come in with me then," he sighed.
She gasped. "As in, in in?"
"No," he flushed. "As in, you stay on the outside of the shower curtain and I'm on the inside."
"Ok," she said, covering her eyes with her free hand while he undressed and turned on the shower.
He stepped behind the curtain before saying, "And absolutely no looking at my ass!"
"Wouldn't dream of it," she sang at him. But when he asked for her to hand him the soap, she couldn't help but take a peek at his butt.
"Oo, firm," she whispered.
"What's that about firm?" he asked, cleaning the shampoo from his eyes.
"This soap," she stuttered. "It's so firm."
"It's great what amuses you Bones," he said, continuing to wash.
He gave Bones one of his t-shirts and a pair of shorts. Once she was dressed, he gave her the once-over. Funny how she looked so sexy in his stuff.
"Bones, I got something odd to ask you," he started.
"Not my bra size hopefully," she smiled cheekily at him.
"No Bones. Even I'm not that sick. What are we gonna do about sleeping?" he inquired, looking at her seriously.
"You have the couch. I'll take the floor," she said, shrugging.
He went for his idea. "What about if we share the bed?" he asked, trying to gage her reaction.
"Whatever Booth," she said.
"Ok, the bed it is," he smiled, visibly gulping. He was in real trouble now.
"Bones you can't roll onto your side otherwise I'll roll over and crush you!" he explained to her.
"Well Booth I can't lie on my back so we're going to have to find a compromise," she snarled at him.
Whoa. Tired Bones was a nasty Bones. He hated his existence. May as well end it with this suggestion. "What if you lie closer to me? You could lie on your side and I could lie on my back."
"Ok," she said warily, moving within an inch of him. They gave each other a small smile before saying "Night." at the exact same time. Brennan rolled onto her right side causing Booth's left arm to be pulled across her shoulders.
The pair tensed before relaxing, Booth sliding more of his arm across her. A few seconds later came Brennan's sleepy words, "You even think of feeling me up and I'll kick your ass."
Booth and Brennan sat in Angela's office, waiting for her to arrive. Then a brainwave struck Brennan. "Look for the key," she said, smiling encouragingly at Booth.
"I knew there was a reason I loved you," he grinned, beginning to dig around Angela's desk.
Brennan blushed and Booth noticed. "What, you think I didn't love you?"
"Well… I didn't know," she admitted honestly.
" Of course I love you. You're my partner and my friend," he said, coming close to her side. "You love me too right?"
"I do Booth," she smiled, allowing their fingers to interlock.
The pair shared a secretive smile before beginning the hunt of Angela's desk.
They were home free, at last. They'd found the key and escaped before Angela had come in.
Booth stopped Bones with a hand on her arm. "You know, if I hadn't been on the verge of killing you yesterday, I would have kissed you."
"So why didn't you?" she asked, her eyes forcing an answer out of him.
"Kill you? Well it would have been a hassle to try and haul your dead body around with me," he grinned.
"No," she laughed. " Why didn't you kiss me?"
"Am I allowed?" he asked, the thought incredible. She nodded and he gave her a soft kiss on the lips.
They broke apart and smiled. "Come on," Brennan said. "Let's go and piss Angela off again. See if she'll let us borrow her cuffs for the day."
"You see?" Booth smiled. "That's a plan I like the sound of."