Kakashi drifted in and out of consciousness. He was dreaming... dreaming of warmth and light. He tried to grasp at it but it was like grasping at wisps of smoke. Just when he thought he had it, he would look into his palm, only to see that it was gone. Kakashi opened his eyes, blinking rapidly at the crisp, white ceiling as it came into focus, returning him to reality. Kakashi reached up and ran his hard-worked hands over his light beard and then through his limp hair, "Damn, I need a wash..." he told the empty house, his voice echoing in the nothingness. Kakashi waited several seconds for a reply but knew none would come. Moving his legs around him, he got up into a sitting position on the dark green sofa and slowly stood up. His body ached and his joints clicked, he was usually more limber than this, but a little over a week of sleeping on that cramped sofa could do that to a man, especially a man of his age. Kakashi stared around the room. It was average in size with modest, well-loved furnishings. The room was also decorated in light, natural colours and was mostly open plan. A kitchen-slash-diner at one end and the living room at the other, with three rooms connecting to it; two bedrooms and a bathroom, and, of course one of the two bedrooms was his... theirs. However, Kakashi could barley face going into the room, let alone sleeping in the bed. A bed he had once shared with the women he loved. The sheets, the pillows, everything was saturated with her scent of spring-time and almonds. He feared that if he crawled into that bed and submerged himself into the covers, into her scent, he would never leave. Kakashi chose to exile himself to the sofa and restricted himself to going into their room only to collect clothing or equipment. The second bedroom, smaller than the other, Kakashi couldn't even bring himself to face it let alone enter. He feared if he saw that room empty and abandoned, then the all consuming grief would surly take him engulfing him like a cold brutal fire.
Kakashi headed for the third room, the bathroom. He quickly stripped off and stepped into the white shower. Turning the tap on, he was hit by a blast of icy water, chilling him to the bone. He remained under the cold water, unmoving and enduring. Kakashi tolerated the coldness until the water began to warm and ease his suffering muscles. For a long time Kakashi simply stood there, allowing the warm water to cascade along his slim muscular frame. He watched as it pooled at his feet before disappearing down the drain. While reaching for soap, Kakashi heard a door slam. He froze, rooted in the moment awaiting Sakura's call of "I'm home!" or "It's just us!". It was nearly a minute before reality gave him a hard slap in the face and his heart plummeted causing his chest to ache. "They're dead you fool!" Kakashi said out loud, in the hopes that it would finally sink in and he would no-longer have seconds of temporary amnesia that allowed him to live in a brief moment of bliss before grief crept in with renewed vengeance. With a sigh, and a heavy heart, Kakashi reached for the soap and began running it across his lean arms.
Standing alone in the spray of warm water, Kakashi's thoughts wonder to memories of his family. He missed them so much, his beautiful wife with her unusual pink hair and eyes like emeralds; his son, silver haired and stony eyes like his own, his beloved Obito. 'Obito', a name he had given to his own flesh and blood, a name to honour a friend who had once given Kakashi his flesh and blood. However, Kakashi had failed to keep him safe, failed his own son the same way he had failed his friend when he had first become a Jounin. Kakashi screwed his eyes shut as the images he tried to keep at bay began to smash through the mental barriers containing them. They flashed before his mind's eye; long nights spent with Sakura, teaching Obito Chidori, family picnic's in the warm summer afternoon of Konoha... These images and so many more spun round his mind until they were replaced with Tsunade sat behind her desk, back straight and mouth tight. The very image of a woman in control, but her pale completion and red rimmed eyes had shown her weakness. As soon as Kakashi had locked eyes with her, he knew the news would be bad. With a voice like a stranger she delivered the news that she knew would destroy the famous copy Nin, the man that had learnt over 1,000 jutsu, the news that would destroy him from the inside out.
Tsunade had been blunt and cold as she told Kakashi that Sakura and Obito had been killed and that their bodies were being returned to The Hidden Leaf as they spoke. Tsunade's bluntness had not been from cruelty or lack of sympathy. Sakura had not only been her apprentice but she had been like a grandchild to her, and Obito a great-grandchild, Tsunade had spoilt him rotten. No, Tsunade's bluntness was her attempting to be strong, to be strong for a man who had lost his wife and child, lost his whole world. Kakashi sat there numb, remaining silent, not even shedding a tear. In fact it wouldn't be until after their funeral before Kakashi could cry. Tsunade explained the cause of their demise in the same cold logical tone; Sakura and Obito had been returning from the land of Iron, Sakura had been attending a medical conference, she had taken Obito with her too show him the natural light display that could be seen in the sky, it was said to be beautiful, Kakashi had never seen them, he doubted he ever would. During the return journey Sakura and Obito had stopped at a small village, the village of Rivers, to restock on supplies and rest. During their brief stay Sakura had soon learnt that several of the villagers had become ill with a disease affecting the blood. Sakura had offered to remain in the village over night and treat them with her medical ninjutsu while she also instructed them on treatment using local plants and herbs. During the night the village was attacked by a group of rogue Nin believe to be part of a much larger organisation of dangerous Ninja, Sakura had been marked as a Ninja from her use of medical Ninjutsu and was killed instantly with several thrown Kunai's, one finding its mark at the base of her skull. The Rogue Nin moved in, killing anyone that got in their way, stealing anything of value. During the chaos, Obito found his mother and tried to heal her. Sakura had insisted he learn medical Ninjutsu. Obito's young mind unable to comprehend that his mother was dead, despite her injuries and the response's he would have received from his Chaka entering her body, still he continued to try and heal her.
Tsunade had gathered all this information from several of the villagers who had survived the attack. One villager, who had remained hidden, had witnessed Obito's attempt to save his mother. Tsunade voice broke when she relayed to Kakashi what the villager had told her; several rogue Nin had moved on to Obito noticing his use of Chaka, deeming him a threat, but Obito had not run he had continued to try to heal his mother until the last moment and turned to face the grown men, stronger and more experienced than he, his face tearless and set, his grey eyes cold like stone, resolved to his fate. The hidden villager had described Obito in his final fight like a silver hair demon, he had killed two rogue Ninja and injured others before succumbing to his injuries.
A passing Leaf patrol had encountered fleeing villagers from The Village of Rivers, who informed them of the attack. The patrol moved swiftly to the village but it was too late, they discovered Sakura and Obito, his small frame clinging to hers, his finger wrapped in the red fabric of her top and his face pressed against her chest, They looked peaceful in death.
Kakashi was ripped suddenly from his memories, when the hot water of the shower became icy cold once more. Scrambling for the tap Kakashi quickly switched off the water flow, wrapping a towel around his waist he made his way over to sink, he filled the basin with water and began shaving, the mirror that had once hung above the sink now lay shattered, small glittering fragments hung around the edge of sink. Kakashi had destroyed the mirror in anger, unable to look at his own reflection which Obito had so much resembled.
While he began the monotonous task of shaving, Kakashi's couldn't help thinking that he would never get the chance to teach his boy to shave, or how to talk to girls, or even to summon dogs. And like a tornado these thoughts ripped though fragile control, crushing him. Kakashi dropped the razor into the sink, a loud clank echoed thought the small bathroom, gripping the side of the sink, Kakashi thought to regain control, he began taking deep breaths he could feel that now familiar pain is his chest and the tightening of his throat as salty tears threaten to spill from his eyes. 'I must gain control, if I'm to do what has to be done, I must have control'. Kakashi repeated this mantra in his head along with slow deep breaths for several minutes before he began to feel the edge of control creeping back over him, reaching for his razor with shaking hand he paused momentarily to stare at the cold sharp steel of the blade, for a long moment unable to tear away his gaze, mentally shaking himself and forcing his hand to steady before continuing to shave.
Once he'd dressed, Kakashi ate a simple dinner of steamed fish and rice. Although he had lost his love for food, he ate as he would need the strength to complete his self-appointed task. The Rogue Ninja that killed his wife and child had been part of a criminal organisation causing trouble on the outskirts of Fire Country and the neighbouring lands for some time now. On several occasions the local hidden villages, including his, sent teams of ninja to attempt to assassinate the leaders, but to avail.
Tsunade was currently organising a squad of elite ANBU to attempt to infiltrate the ranks of the criminal organisation and bring them down from the inside out. Kakashi had requested, demanded even, to join the team shortly after Sakura and Obito's death. However, Tsunade had refused him. Her stern gaze told him there was no arguing and he wasn't sure if he had it in him. Kakashi left her office silently and without a fight. Within an hour, he had two ANBU trailing him; Tsunade feared he would disobey her order and leave to fight the organisation and she was right to fear. Kakashi had no intent to remain at the leaf, allowing his grief and loss to consume him; he couldn't bare to be reminded every day what he had lost. Instead, Kakashi would find the members of this criminal organisation and kill them. He would start at the bottom of their hierarchy and carve his way up. It was an impossible task even for a squad of ninja and he was only one man, but this was all that was left for him, he needed this, needed this purpose to survive.
Kakashi quickly washed up his finished plate in the large white kitchen sink and glanced out of window in the direction of what he suspected to be a hidden ANBU member. He wondered who would be facing Tsunade's wrath when she discovered him missing. Turning back to face his home, his eyes flicked briefly to the left at the pale coloured door to the second bedroom. Releasing a slow breath he began the monotonous task of packing and checking his equipment, he would usually complete this task days before a mission but he had put it off, afraid that a friend or someone offering their sympathy may drop by and realise his intent. Kakashi didn't mind the work, it was a task he had done a thousand times before and it kept his mind and his hands occupied.
Kakashi sharpened his Kunai with the well practiced hands, with precision and care. He tried to focus on the task but his eyes and mind kept wondering to Obito's bedroom door. He doubted he would find the courage or strength to face that room before he left. Kakashi could not risk the possibility that walking through that door again might destroy him; shattering his feeble emotional state, like a hammer on glass. Kakashi was afraid that if he entered Obito's room he wouldn't have the strength to leave it, again. That he might lash out and destroy and break things, Obito's things, like he had with the mirror and with the flowers and gifts left at the Konoha Cemetery memorial stone by the people of the village of Rivers.
Kakashi rocked back onto his heels from his crouched position on the floor and surveyed his work; his packs, bag, flak vest and scrolls were lined up neatly on the cream rug in front of the sofa. Kakashi stared around his apartment for what he suspected to be the last time; Kakashi didn't know when he decided to seek vengeance for the lives of his family, perhaps from the first moment he had heard that they had been murdered. However the decision had come about was irrelevant in Kakashi's mind. It was made regardless of the consequences, and that was all that was important. Kakashi donned his flak vest and several items of gear and equipment before leaving his home, he never glanced back.
Kakashi left his home and began making a slow progressive walk down the dark and quiet streets of Konoha in the late evening. It was ironically peaceful. Kakashi was now a man driven by vengeance. In some ways he knew this made him a hypocrite but at nearly 45 years of age, he felt that he had nothing else to give. At the very least he could stop the men who may kill again, that may take the lives of the innocent with no regard to the shatter and broken families they left in their wake. Perhaps this was the wrong path for Kakashi, but at least some good would come from it.
Kakashi wondered through the streets of Konoha at a leisurely pace, no current destination in mind, he allowed the chakra signal of the two trailing ANBU to wash over his senses. He had one last stop to make at the Konoha Cemetery before he truly began his self appointed mission, but first he would need to rid himself of the two ANBU.
It took Kakashi almost 40 minutes to reach the cemetery. Over double what it would normally take, but he had rid himself of the both ANBU members. They had easily bought his ruse of 'clone going to the local liquor store to buy enough Sake to kill a small horse'. It had been easier than he expected, they were probably young, new and inexperienced and had yet to learn of his reputation. They probably considered him a small threat considering his age and his emotional state. Clearly they were fools, but that was no longer Kakashi's concern.
The moment Kakashi set foot in the cemetery the adrenaline that he had built up while evading ANBU instantly diminished, leaving him feeling cold and defenceless. Several minutes passed by as he remained rooted to the spot staring across the cemetery. The grass swayed gently in the breeze and moonlight glinted from the many graves that inhabited the large open space. It was late, so he expected that he was alone. He certainly couldn't detect anyone's presence. The graves he searched for were easy to spot; they lay side by side on the cool grass, lit by a warm glow from several candles nestled amongst the flowers and trinkets. From this distance it was quite beautiful; the soft glow of the candles reflected a rainbow of colours from the many flowers, casting flickering pinks and red light onto the cold grey stone of their graves in a way, warming them to the eyes.
As Kakashi made his way across the cemetery towards their graves, he took deep calming breath, inhaling the scent of the grass and the subtle hints of cut flowers. Once Kakashi reached the graves that marked the loss of his family, he was forced to slow and take careful steps to avoid damaging any of the flowers laid for his wife and son. There were fewer flowers than there had once been, he had seen to that. It had finally been what had broken him; Kakashi had remained numb and emotionless, never shredding a tear, from the time that he sat in Tsunade's office. Even through their funeral he was stoic, but he had been unable to stop or even deal with the fury, anguish and pain that had beseeched him. When he had seen the small group of villagers from the village of Rivers, laying flowers and bowing their heads in a show of respect, he had lost himself to his grief. He was outraged that the men and women of this village dared to show respect to a women who had been killed in cold blood defending them when they just left his son, his only boy, to die. The memory of ripping up the flowers and screaming at the group of villagers, tears streaming from his eyes as he tried to vent his frustration and rage, was all but blurred to him now. The sight of these strangers, these cowards, at their grave had broken something in him that he wasn't even aware had been there, and like a spring shower turned torrential downpour, his grief had been poured from him. He had almost drowned in it. Unable to support his own weight, he had been brought to his knees, still cursing the villagers who remain rooted like frightened prey. Kakashi's torrent of abuse had been halted abruptly when strong hands hauled him to his feet, petals cascading gently from his clothing as he reached a standing position.
"Come, Kakashi", said the man that had pulled him to his feet.
The voice was familiar to Kakashi, a friend, a rival. Someone he had known a long time, Kakashi didn't look up. He knew Gai's features would have greeted him; he didn't need to see them.
Gai had guided Kakashi away from the cemetery and towards his home, remaining uncharacteristically silent. This, Kakashi had been grateful for. Once home, and with a strong drink in him, he had begun to gain back the feeling of control.
"They are never coming back", he told Gai, and his voice sounded dead to even his own ears.
"No, my friend they are not, but time will help to-"
"He tried to heal her..." Kakashi interrupted. He had no want for words of comfort to ease his pain. In fact he had no want for the pain to ease away and leave him. This desolate ache was his punishment, it meant he was still alive, still paying for his sins.
"Obito tried to heal Sakura..." Kakashi continued, "She had been killed instantly so they tell me. Yet he tried to heal her, he would have known instantly that she was dead the moment his chakra entered her body. There would have been no response." Kakashi didn't know why he was telling Gai this. The information made him feel sick.
"He must have been terrified..." Kakashi added before anguish had over taken him again.
Kakashi's attention snapped back to the cemetery as a light rain began to fall, slowly extinguishing the surrounding candles with soft hisses. Kneeling before their names, Kakashi began tracing the shapes of the letter gently almost caressing them.
"I'm sorry..." he told their graves "I'm so very sorry... sorry for not being there to protect you, to give my life instead of yours, and sorry for not being there now, with you both.", he continued "I love you... both of you so much, perhaps I never said it enough. Sakura, you always told me I was poor with words when it came to feelings. But what I lacked with words I made up with actions, but not this time, hey Sakura. My actions were as poor as my words, so here I am trying to give you my words." Kakashi bowed his head for a moment regaining his composure, nails digging into palms, he continued. "Don't forgive me Sakura, I failed you, failed you so many times. I should have been there, if not for you then for Obito, I should have protected him, should have given my life for his. Perhaps that name is cursed, perhaps I doomed our family the moment I suggested it. Please don't forgive me Sakura; you always forgave those who didn't deserve it. I have failed you as a teacher, a friend, a lover and now as the father of your child." Kakashi couldn't stop the silent tears that rolled gently down his face, merging with light rain. "I never thought I could miss you this much, Sakura, your smile, your hair, your intelligence, your fury... everything. I think a part of me died when you did, and the rest with Obito, I am nothing but a tool, a tool already drenched in blood, a tool of death. Not like you and Obito with hands made to heal, to give life." Kakashi took a steadying breath and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I can't allow the men that did this to you to live. Please understand, I have to find them and kill them. I will bring their entire organisation to its knees. I need this purpose and I know it's wrong, I know it won't bring you back and I know it makes an old man like me a hypocrite, unable to break my own circle of hatred and vengeance. It probably won't bring me any closure or even begin to fill the void left inside me, but I just can't allow them to live, I won't allow them to live." Kakashi's voice broke on the last syllable; there was a moment of silence punctured only by the light tapping of rain drops.
"I love you", he whispered those words, lost on the light breeze.
Reaching up, Kakashi lifted his headband, and opened his sharingan, causing everything to come into a crisp focus, every petal and every blade of grass. Kakashi only focused on the two names carved in stone before him, memorizing every detail, every hard line and soft curve, he condemned them to memory like searing iron on flesh. Kakashi would never allow himself to forget what was lost, what had been taken from him.
Rising to his feet and slipping his headband back in place he turned his back on the cemetery, and made his way to the main gate, never pausing, never looking back.
Kakashi's journey to the main gate and past it was uneventful. He had taken great care to avoid being seen. He had lived, trained and defended this home for 45 years and he knew it well.
Outside of the Hidden Leaf in the evergreen forest that surrounded it, about half mile from the gate, Kakashi felt Naruto's chakra signature moving in on him fast. Kakashi briefly considered hiding or running but with his sage mode and speed it would be incredibly difficult to avoid Naruto if not impossible. So, Kakashi remained rooted in a small opening that allowed the moonlight to seep through the braches, he waited for his former student, his friend and soon-to-be leader to catch him.
Naruto arrived, making more noise than necessary as he moved from branch to branch and into the small clearing opposite Kakashi. The darkness dimmed the bright blue of his eyes and the yellow of his golden hair, but the little moonlight filtering through the gaps revealed the true colours of his hair, like small ribbons of gold flickering in the slight breeze. Naruto gave Kakashi a half smile that didn't reach his eyes and leant his head aside in way of greeting.
Kakashi remained unmoving, his features still and shadowed in darkness, he was unsure of Naruto's intentions. Kakashi had no intention of returning to Leaf.
"You're leaving Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked, it was more a statement than a question, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at that the ground.
Kakashi inclined his head in the positive, "You don't seem very surprised, Naruto."
"I'm not." Naruto replied raising his head to squint at Kakashi through the darkness. "I've been waiting for you to leave for several days now, ya know." Naruto sighed, "I've been using my Nature chakra to check your whereabouts, ever since Tsunade refused your request. She will be furious ya know, when she finds out. I don't think she believes you would ever abandon The Leaf."
Kakashi hesitated. He wanted to tell Naruto that he was not abandoning and would not abandon The Leaf. He was disobeying a direct order given to him by the Hokage, no less. Abandoning was an accurate description of his behaviour. Kakashi also felt shock that Naruto had expected him to leave and had even been waiting for him to make his move.
"You're here to stop me leaving, Naruto?" Kakashi asked, his voice devoid of emotion
"No." Naruto's answer was almost instant.
"Then why?"
"I'm here to talk... just, talk..." Naruto paused for a moment. The noises of the forest at night crept over them before Naruto continued. "Sensei, I'm sorry, I'm….." Naruto fell silent with the raise of one of Kakashi gloved hands
"I know, Naruto. There's no need to say it, I don't want to hear it."
"I want to come with you!" Naruto blurted out loudly, his gaze locked onto Kakashi's and held it.
Ah, Kakashi thought, this is why Naruto knew he would leave, knew he would seek vengeance, the reason why Naruto had searched for him every night, because Naruto himself wanted the same, wanted to condemn the men that had stolen from them.
Kakashi kept Naruto's intense gaze; one stolid, grey eye staring into two blue ones. "Naruto, you can't..."
"I know, I know." Naruto replied quickly throwing his hands up in defence. "With Hinata due any day now, Granny wants me initiated as Hokage before the end of next month. I know I can't go, but I want to, for you, for Sakura and for Obito, so I'm sorry..."
Naruto missed the slight wince that Kakashi gave at the mention of his son's name. His mouth had gone dry and his heart rate increased at the mention of his family, but Kakashi realised the reason Naruto was here. Naruto was here consciously or not, seeking forgiveness from Kakashi, forgiveness that his commitments prevented him from running into the night with Kakashi to hunt the rogue Nin.
Kakashi, in an uncharacteristic sigh of affection, reached out and gripped Naruto's shoulder, "It's OK Naruto. I understand. Sakura would have punched you from this village to the next for leaving Hinata in the condition she's in. This village needs you, Naruto. Don't ever forget that."
Naruto hesitated, before dragging Kakashi into a bone crushing hug. Both men remained silent for a moment, there was nothing to be said.
Naruto broke the hug, putting Kakashi out at arms length, "Come back Kakashi, don't allow darkness and revenge to consume you. Come back to The Leaf. To us there will always be a home for you here."
Kakashi remained silent a little longer. He didn't wish to tell Naruto that his home had died with Sakura and Obito and he was alone, "I know Naruto and thank you."
Kakashi gave Naruto one last nod before turning away, and heading into the forest.
Naruto watched as his former sensei leapt up onto the nearest branch and began leaping from tree to tree, steadily picking up speed. Naruto remained stationary watching until he could no longer see the flicker of silver through the leaves. With a heavy heart Naruto turned and begin to pick his own way through the over growth and back to the Hidden Leaf village, saying a silent prayer for whomever may be listening