PROLOGUE – The People Speak!
How dare you imply that I own anything related to Zelda, as I do not. Why, I have never been so offended!
A/N: This is my first story EVER for this adorable website. I began writing it more than 4 years ago, but have butchered it many times and now... I feel it may be ready for the public.
Rate and Review, if you must (this is a subliminal message… you are not actually seeing this but your subconscious is: if you don't rate and review, then I will hire a hit man to stalk you forever!!!)
I am only going to continue putting up chapters if I notice people are reading. If not, then I don't CARRRREEEEE-UHHHHH. I have better things to do in my life! Well, that's not completely true! But again, who cares? Obviously no one.
I have no problem ignoring silent readers. Though silence can't be ignored... so no one wins! ha. ha. ha. ...right.
THE END of the BEGINNING.
Do not read if you are old (like really old) or get offended easily by old people things.
Four grotesque old people (Link's Grandma, Orca, Sturgeon, and Maggie's Father) commenced the recitation of an age old tale, one fateful night. This tale was none other than 'The Hero of Time,' and young children, whose habitat was that of Outset Island, listened intently.
Before the story began, everyone wondered why Maggie's Father was there. But, it may have been for good measure… or because he was a tad bit funny looking. Though most likely it was because Maggie's Father was an attention seeking whore, who took any opportunity to chase anyone, at any time. The Outset population quickly forgot about Maggie's Father, as Sturgeon stood up in front of the crowd.
Sturgeon parted his lips, allowing the words of the anecdote to pour from his oral orifice (that sounded a little dirty);
"This is but one of the legends of which the people speak…"
"Yes! We do," Grandma announced proudly.
The elderly Grandma flapped her arms like wings, imitating a retarded swan. In actuality, she was performing a primeval interpretive dance, which summoned a random record player from nowhere. She placed a record on the record player, and worked some magic (being that the author is quite young, she has no idea how antique devices actually work) which made said record player blast some old, crackly music. Yeah run-on sentence!
"Long ago, there existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden. It was a prosperous land, blessed with green forests, tall mountains, and peace."
Orca stood, restlessly shifting his weight from his right foot to his left.
"Let us now speak of things more entertaining," suggested Orca, no longer able to resist the tantalizing temptation to interrupted the extremely boring story. He continued, "I would much rather talk of the recent influx of Starbucks restaurants around our, quote unquote, 'peaceful' island."
The various children observed the nineteen Starbucks facilities located in between each house on Outset Island. They nodded in contemplation, wondering what had happened to their once beautiful homeland. Sturgeon ignored the rude disruption, and continued with his story telling;
"But one day, a man of great evil found the golden power and took it for himself. With its strength at his command, he spread darkness across the kingdom. But then, when all hope had died, and the hour of doom seemed at hand..."
Maggie's Father, victim of possessing a potato-shaped face, suddenly started to produce really gross, sputtering noises. Many believed a cow was dying nearby, until they looked around and realized… 'twas only Maggie's Father, making a fool out of himself by acting like a malfunctioning farm animal. The old man clutched his chest in agony -
"This story is so tense! Why, it has nearly induced a heart attack on poor, old me!" Maggie's Father cried.
"…Good! I hate you and hope you die, you melodramatic swine!" Grandma said in an outburst of detestation, "Now shut the hell up."
Link's Grandma grabbed a magical grapefruit off the ground that appeared before when she summoned the record player. She flung the nutritious fruit in Maggie's Father's general vicinity. The somewhat large, squishy object hit Maggie's Father in the face, proceeded to bounce off his nose, and then fell, motionless, to the ground.
Apparently fluent in cursing out people in Swahili, Maggie's Father spat, "ODUSHDIOOSPIIII!"
"Oh, you are a miserable hobo," Grandma said, as a sly grin tugged at the corners of her mouth. "You don't know any African languages, so please cease your speaking!"
"Okay," was the simple response of the potato-faced man.
The magical grapefruit, still unmoving on the ground, sprang up without the stimulation of a living being. It smacked into Maggie's Father's face a second time, knocking him unconscious indefinitely.
During all of this nonsense, Sturgeon tried to sustain his train of thought. It was not hard to notice that he was becoming severely annoyed by the intolerable old people that surrounded him, though.
"A young boy clothed in green-"
Orca interrupted yet again!
"Sturgeon, if you could be any less droll I might hurl!"
"Orca! You fool! You are ruining the story for everyone!" Grandma said. "You are the headache of my life."
"And you, my dear," Orca retorted, "are the rotting road kill on the side of the highway in my life."
"Silence, young peoples!" Demanded Maggie's Father, in an unconscious form, yet still able to speak.
"Excuse me, but we are old!" Corrected the old Grandma woman.
Maggie's Father thought for a moment, and then admitted, "Oh, I forgot. I do apologize."
Sturgeon resumed his story, but out of the goodness of the author's heart… she has decided to save all of the readers from the pain and suffering that may occur if they continue to read something so utterly not relevant to this fan fictional piece. She will no longer be incorporating what Sturgeon says anymore!
Whatever Sturgeon was verbalizing from then on became so intense that the other old people of the island (including Maggie's father who was now awake for no reason) began to experience the worst physical discomfort imaginable. The three began to complain in unison, almost robotically;
"Oh em gee. Sturgeon's tale has forced us all into cardiac arrest because we are all old and we have reached the critical period where we should be concerned about heart disease, but we aren't because we are lazy."
A/N: Let this be a lesson to you all! Please remember to regularly schedule appointments in order to maintain awareness of your inner organs and their health!
Some time later, Sturgeon finally reached the pinnacle of his story;
"What became of that kingdom (Hyrule)? None remain who know…"
Joyously, Maggie's Father proclaimed, "Thank the good lord this story is close to its end!"
"What!?!?" Grandma screamed, with a hand cupped around the back of one of her ears. This insinuated that she did not hear a single thing Maggie's Father uttered, which she further proved by saying, "I didn't quite hear you there, sonny boy! Eh!?"
Link's Grandma continuously made old woman noises of deaf-ness, such as 'eh,' which created an atmosphere of complete irritation.
"God, woman!" Maggie's Father finally said, as he slapped the old lady clean across her face. "Stop your noise making! We all know you're an old, deaf bat! There is no reason to reestablish an already established fact! Now return to your place in the kitchen and make me stew!"
Abruptly able to utilize her sense of hearing once more, Grandma became terribly offended. "How dare you rudely ignore and disrespect the powerful women of the past who gave away their whole lives for the success of women's lib!"
"How dare you continue to talk to me! I am better than you."
"I see your point, Maggie's Father," Grandma said.
"Good, Grandma, now go!" Maggie's Father commanded, as he pointed his right index finger towards the old woman's hut off in the distance.
"Do you two actually have names?" Orca asked, but was ignored. "What say you!?" Still, zero responses were elicited from his peers.
A good few hours had passed when Sturgeon's story reached its breath taking finale!
"Yay," remarked the children of Outset.
"Yay," bawled the virtually deaf Grandma. She was on the verge of tears, the story had been that bad.
"Yay," Orca said as he sipped a mouthful of his Starbucks Mocha Frappucino, which he bought while Sturgeon babbled on.
"Yay," Maggie's Father said, only to fit in with everyone else. Then he pronounced a fact that no one really cared about, "I'm heading back to Windfall. Goodbye y'all."
Maggie's Father flied away on a broomstick, because that's all he could afford in his poverty stricken state. The remaining old people began to jazzercise in order to remain physically fit, because the disintegrating effects of old age concerned them. The children became ashamed that they would one day grow up to be jazzercising freaks… so, they ran away to do children-related activities.
A young boy named Link, wearing only pajamas, raced out of that story telling location as fast as his pre-adolescent legs could carry him. Not interested in the least bit with Sturgeon's ramblings, Link retreated to the guard tower thing in the sky. Obviously, the wooden floor provided more comfort than Link's own bed... because he was asleep in no time.
He slept peacefully through the night. The moment the sun rose the next morning, the call of possibly the most bothersome thing in existence shrieked, "BIG BROTHER!?" Link awoke with a start.
To be continued... (I always wanted to say that)
...maybe.
A/N: And now time for some shameless advertising! If you think I'm deranged... look up KingdomHeartMaster5089 and read his "Cash Dash" story. Soo weird... but entertaining.