Chapter 1

Two years. It's been two years since I saw him. Edward. Two years of having this huge hole in my chest that never seems to heal. I feel like any day now I might just fall apart. I've felt like that every single day since he left. I ache. Everywhere. Every fiber in me aches for him to come back and be near me.
To at least see him one last time. To hold him in my arms every night. To hear his voice, his laugh. To see his topaz eyes staring back at me. But it never came. It never happened. It was just a lost hope that I somehow carried with me as a burden.

How do you go on without seeing the love of your life every day? How do you find the strength to get up in the morning? How do you have the courage to step out into the world without him? An answer that is simple for me but not for most.

I have Carlie. My daughter. She's two now and has never heard or seen her father in person. She has dark brown eyes like me with long big bronze-brown curls that bounce when she moves. It's hard to look at her too long.

She has so much of Edward in her that it hurts. I almost have to hold myself together in front of her. But I don't. If she ever saw me like that she'd probably freak out. Although I know that Carlie is my world…I still need Edward. She may be able to hold me now but I won't be able to stay in one piece for long.

He didn't leave for his own benefit of course. On the day I found out I was pregnant Edward got a call from his boss telling him he had to leave L.A. for an important investigation. Edward wanted to refuse but if he didn't go through with it he'd get fired and I had just quit my job that day.

Why did I quit? You try dealing with vengeful ghosts like James that want to kill you because you're taking too long to solve a relative's case. Truth is I got tired of the job. I'll go back to it sooner or later…but the time still hasn't come yet. I do have a child to raise.

Edward left to support me and Carlie. He couldn't and can't tell me a thing about the investigation. He can't even tell me where he's at. I only get one call a year from him and it only lasts three minutes. It's not long enough. It's not the same as seeing and hearing him in person. What do you say to someone on the phone that you haven't seen in two years?

He had no clue how Carlie looks and that she belongs to him. He never seemed to want to talk about that when he had a chance to call me. I moved back to our old house in Forks once he left. I needed someone to help me through my pregnancy. My mother had moved into Charlie's house. Apparently he left it to her in his will. That surprised both of us since they were divorced.

My mom and Carlisle helped a lot through the whole thing. We had actually developed a relationship because of the pregnancy…Carlisle and I that is. As for Will…I heard he got married to Angela a year ago. I was invited but I didn't show up.

I didn't want to ruin her happy day. Melissa has been gone ever since Edward left. Ever since I quit my job. I haven't seen a ghost since then either. Maybe this ghost thing was a career path after all. Andy and the rest of the crew grew distant once I moved away. I never called or visited and neither did they.

Life has pretty much gone down the drain. The only good thing I have in my life right now is Carlie. I act as happy as I can with her. She does make me happy don't get me wrong but deep down under the surface I'm wishing that Edward was there. That he could be helping me raise Carlie like it's supposed to be.

My life is totally screwed up. Edward and I had dreamed of getting married and having a family and living happily ever after. We never got married…we have a family but he's not here now. He wasn't there for any of the pregnancy.

My daughter has no connection with her father other than the same blood. She's seen pictures of him because I've shown her but she's never heard his voice or seen him in person. Does that sound like a good relationship to you?

I didn't think so. I sighed as I gently finished putting Carlie's pajamas on in her room. "Mama?" she asked in her small baby voice.

I smiled down at her, "Yeah sweetie?"

"Can I see daddy's picture before we go to sleep?" she had a small lisp but it just made her more adorable.

"Sure," I told her as I lifted her up in my arms and placed her against my hip. She loved staring at his picture. I suppose that was her way of bonding with him.

I had slept alone for the first year she was born. I would fall asleep to the radio on just because I couldn't fall asleep. My body was too aware of the fact that Edward was missing. I still go to sleep with the radio on even though I sleep with Carlie now.

She sleeps in my room. My bed is completely huge and has room for three grown people so we had plenty of room. I gently placed her on the bed and kissed her forehead as I walked over to my nightstand and opened the top drawer. I gently took the picture of Edward out.

He was alone and smiling in this picture. It made me smile. I sat on my side of the bed and waited for her to crawl under the covers before I handed her the picture. She gently took it from me and gazed at it.

"Can I sleep with it tonight?" she asked.

I got under the covers and smiled at her once I was lying down, "Of course sweetie."

She smiled and hugged the picture to her chest, "Night mama."

"Night baby," I gently kissed her forehead and rested my head on my pillow. I fell asleep to a slow beat song that was playing on the radio. And soon I found myself in a dream.

Edward stood in front of me with a gun in hand. He held it out to me, "Take it," he commanded desperately.

I took a step back in fright as I looked down at the gun in horror, "Why?"

He grabbed my hand and put the gun in it. It felt cold against my hot skin, "You're going to need it."

"For what?" I asked desperately.

"Close your eyes; sometimes it helps," he murmured.

That confused me, "What?"

"Pull the trigger Bella," he told me.

"Why?" I asked again.

"I'm leaving…I'm never coming back again. Forever," he told me as he started backing away from me.

I shook my head slowly as the confusion started to fade away, "No…don't go," I told him.

"I'm sorry," he told me and suddenly he was gone.

I looked around me desperately looking for him. I tried to call out his name but my voice was stuck in my throat. By now I was sobbing like crazy. I hadn't sobbed like this since my father died. The hole in my chest was aching painfully.

I looked down at the gun in my hands. It seemed more inviting now. I gripped it tight in my hand and with shaky hands I slowly lifted it up to my temple. The cold point of the gun made me shiver. I took in a deep shaky breath and closed my eyes just like Edward had said.

"Just pull the trigger," Edward's voice echoed in the wind. A sob escaped my chest as my hand tightened around the frame of the gun. I had my finger against the trigger but it seemed undecided about pulling it.

I took one last shaky breath. BAM!

I jolted upright in bed with small gasp. "That was Russian Roulette by Rihanna," I reached over with my hand and turned the radio off without looking at it.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and took in a deep breath before I felt it. I quickly wrapped an arm around my chest to keep it held together. The hole was aching around the raw edges of my heart.

I leaned forward a bit as I tried to stop the pain. One arm was around my chest the other on the bed supporting my weight. My long hair, which was half way down my back now, was flowing down my forehead covering my face. My breathing was coming out a bit ragged. The pain of the dream, of how I had remembered how he looked and the sound of his voice was making the hole ache more than it ever has before.

At first I felt another presence in the room. And then I felt the bed move. I quickly looked up with watery eyes the nightmare had caused to find a face I thought I would never see again.

A/N: So what do you think so far? Please review!

Songs:

Russian Roulette - Rihanna