Title: Why You Should Not Let Emmett and Edward on Television
Author: AllApologies451994
Word Count: 2,654
Summary: It was an ordinary day. Rosalie was admiring herself in the mirror, Jasper was out hunting with Alice, Bella was watching TV with Carlisle and Esme, and Edward and Emmett were at each others' throats.. The rest of the Cullens are sick of their behavior, so they volunteer Edward and Emmett to work together on some new television show. Will they be able to work together in harmony? Will their TV show be a hit? Will Emmett survive without his rubber duckie!? Read on to find out. One-shot. :)
~*-_-*~
"ESME!!!!! EMMETT IS TRYING TO STRANGLE ME AGAIN!!!!!!"
Esme sighed as she turned the TV off. She turned around, only to find her two sons trying to kill each other. Again. But, as she was used to this behavior, she did not chew their hind ends out, like they expected. Instead, she walked up to them and grabbed them by the ears, like mothers do to their young children whenever they do something bad.
"Go to your rooms. Now. Emmett, no TV...." Edward began to snicker. Esme turned to glare at him.
"Edward, for that, no TV or music. This punishment will last until you guys finally decide to act like you're over the age of three years. Now, get to your rooms!"
Edward and Emmett glared at each other, and began to slowly walk down the hall.
"NOW!!!!"
They ran away, embarrassed. Not only did they get grounded, but they just got treated like two-year-olds. But it was their own fault; what would you do if you had two sons who couldn't even sit in the same room as the other? That's what I thought.
Bella walked into the room and sighed.
"What are we going to do with those two? I love them both, and I can't stand to see them arguing...."
"Can you please be quiet!? You're messing up how I apply my make-up!"
That's typical Rosalie for you. Just then, out of (literally) nowhere, Jasper and Alice showed up. Alice was grinning ear to ear, which only made everyone else wonder what they were up to.
"My baby here just had the greatest vision you will ever hear about!" Jasper was apparently enthusiastic about whatever his wife's idea was. Which made everyone else wonder what was going on.
"Yea, I've seen that...."
~*-_-*~
"THEY'RE GONNA DO WHAT!?" Emmett practically shouted this to the world. Edward sighed. Downstairs, you could hear a ton of laughter. They even got a phone call from some random dude telling them to shut up. How a random dude got their number, I don't even know. They're just that popular. Also, the hobo living out in the forest behind their house yelled at them to shut up. And yes, there is a hobo back there. They just don't mention him in the books because he's sort of a killjoy and would ruin the whole thing.
"You heard what I said, Emm. They're gonna put us on one of them reality TV shows where we have to work together. ...Don't look at me like that, I hate this as bad as you do. ...YOU ARE NOT GOING TO REVEAL WE ARE VAMPIRES ON TV JUST TO GET OUT OF THIS! Absolutely not."
"Killjoy..." Emmett muttered under his breath. He sometimes forgot his brother had special 'mind-reading abiliities' and it alwasy ruined his plans. Even if they were stupid. Thankfully this one was ruined, or else some pretty bad things could've came from it. Like, everyone would know they were vampires. That wouldn't be good at all.
Alice ran upstairs, very excitingly. She looked at them both really funny for a second, and then handed them weird sheets of paper.
"What are these?" Emmett asked. It's not everyday your sister barges in, looks at you funny, and then hands you a sheet of paper. Unless you're me, the author, and not only that, but it gets worse. She asks your boyfriend if he loves her and then tortures you until you told her where you hid that last piece of gum you've been hiding from her. But I'm going off track here, so I better get back to the actual story.
"Well, silly, these are directions to the studio your television program will be on. What else would they be, directions to get to the Muffin Man's house?"
"OMGW YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN!?!? TELL HIM I WANT HIS AUTOGRAPH!!!!" Emmett got a slap in the face from Edward and a funny look from Alice for this.
"What in the world does OMGW stand for?" Alice asked. Edward gave her that look that just means 'skip it'. She never did get an answer to that question. Truth be told, I don't even think Emmett knew what it meant. Only I, the author does. But, if you guys are obsessed as I am and you know, congratulations. You are officially my BFFAAAL. And if you know what that means, I applaud you, because you are awesome.
"What kind of show is it anyways, Alice?" This came from both of the boys at the same time. They looked at each other really funny and slapped each other. Then they turned around and looked at Alice.
"Well, I really hate to tell you, but I think I will anyways, so you know what you're up against. It's a cooking show. You have to work together as chefs to make the best dish EVER. And yes, it has to be officially the BEST DISH EVER. O yea, and you guys are up tomorrow."
Alice grinned and walked outside. Tomorrow was going to be a long day...
~*-_-*~
"Okay, I'm fine with this and all, but... why do we all have to ride in the same car?"
This question came from Bella, talking to Carlisle. They had all decided to ride in the Volvo. Yes, all of them. How they all fit into the car, we may never know. But, as long as it happened, let's not question it.
"Well, first of all, it would be pretty odd if it took three cars just for all of us to come out. They would think we were up to no good. Secondly, I need to keep an eye on Emmett and Edward and make sure they don't kill each other while driving. Thirdly, I like the feel of this Volvo." He chucked a little and drove onwards.
~*-_-*~
They all stepped out of the car. They walked to the security guards in front of the building, showed them their passes and IDs, and walked on in.
"Man, why do we have to do this!? I don't even want to...." Edward was cut off quickly by a slap to the back of the head from Jasper and a glare from Bella. Why Bella glared at him was beyond his reasoning, but if I say it happened, it happened.
I guess it was the producer of the show that greeted them when they walked in. I don't know for sure, so don't quote me on this. His nametag had Bill written on it. It was also upside down.
"Well, howdy there! My name is Smith. Bill Smith. I'm the producer/directer for this show. You guys should be just fine. Now, which of you two are... Edward and Emmett Cullen?"
The two boys turned around and whistled all suspicious like, but then got nudged in the back by Rosalie and Bella. So, they walked up and said "We are." Bill looked at them funny and took them backstage. I'm assuming they talked for a bit, and then Edward and Emmett came back looking paler than sheets. ...Even moreso than usual. What happened back there, we'll never know. Maybe we don't want to.
The rest of the Cullens sat down in the bleacher with the rest of the audience members. Emmett and Edward stared out into the audience, looking as terrified as a hobo who just learned he couldn't afford cable. Yes, that bad.
The dude behind the camera shouted "5! 4! 3! 2! And... ACTION!"
"OMGW WE HAVE NO SCRIPT! THIS IS OUR FIRST TIME EVER ON TV!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" These words came out of Emmett's mouth, obviously. The audience members started dying laughing. The camera dude looked at him funny. "We're live!" Shock and realization lit up Edward's face.
"I CALL A FOUL! THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING!!! OUR FAMILY SET US UP!!! WE HAVEN'T EVEN REHEARSED!!!" Looking out into the audience, Edward saw Alice laughing her head off. He flipped her the bird, but thankfully it didn't get caught on camera.
"Um... okay... First, we get that thing over there and put it in the bowl... Hey Emmett, separate the eggs and put them in the bowl."
So, being the smart aleck Emmett is, he took two eggs and placed them on either side of the table. Edward muttered some naughty words under his breath, but only Emmett could hear him. Emmett laughed and this confused everyone else. They just assumed he was a psycho.
They followed their directions they had apparently been given before the show (maybe this is what Bill told them) until realization lit up Emmett's face.
"OMGW!!! OMGW!!! OMGW!!! WHERE'S MY RUBBER DUCKIE!? WHERE'S MY CRAPPING RUBBER DUCKIE!?!?!?!? I NEED HIM OR ELSE THIS WILL BE A FAILURE!!!"
Edward slapped him upside the head, and then everyone else in the audience laughed and/or looked at him funny. Mainly the latter. But this didn't affect them anymore; they had been looked at funny so many times those two days that they were used to it by now.
Edward looked at the other audience members.
"Trust me, if you knew him, you wouldn't be laughing. You would just slap him. This stuff happens all the time, trust me. Like that time he snorted Smarties and started seeing things... He's never looked at a turtle the same since...."
Then he slapped Emmett. Emmett calmed down instantly.
"Okay, now we pour in some chocolate chips... It really brings out the flavor...." So Emmett poured in all the chocolate chips in the bag. Edward grabbed the whisk and stirred it up.
"Next, we put in some flour... We put it in last because if you put it in first, it messes up the chocolate chips..." So, Emmett poured some flour in there while Edward was stirring the mixture.
"Now, we put it in the oven and wait on it to bake!!!" So, Edward grabbed a mitt and put the pan in the oven with the thingy in it. Truth be told, no one knew what it was. It was just some recipe they made off the top of their heads, probably. While they were waiting on the whatever it was to bake, they sat down and conversed about anything and everything.
"So Emmett, what is your view on hobos?"
"Well Edward, I really like hobos. They're pretty cool. But I cried whenever I found out they couldn't afford cable. ALL LIVING THINGS SHOULD AFFORD CABLE."
"Yea, but they're always begging for change..."
"One time, one stole my wallet!!!"
"OMG, was it Mr. Reid!?" [this is an inside joke my friend and I came up. We were up at 8:30 in the morning, no sleep, pretty much drunk on Mountain Dew, talking about gluclose and IGA and eBay and Mr. Reid whenever Margaret said something about 'Grr... Mr. Reid took my wallet....' The conversation went downhill from there].
"Eh, I don't think so. I think her name was...."
"Wait... It was a girl hobo!?"
"Yea, hobos don't have to all be men, you know. Like, not all girls have to love pink and frilly-pansy things and not all men have to love sports. You're just someone who believes in all stereotypes."
"I do NOT believe in stereotypes. I'm friends with a chick that loves black and isn't emo."
"Ah. Fair enough."
"So...."
"I'M HUNGRY!!! GIVE ME A HOT POCKET!!!!"
"Not now, Emmett! We're on live TV! Not only that, but we're BAKING FOOD!"
"So...? I still want my dang Hot Pocket!!"
"Grr."
"Rawr."
"AND WHEN YOU GO, WOULD YOU EVEN TURN TO SAY 'I DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I DID YESTERDAY'?"
"...Um... Edward? We're on live TV, remember? Don't burst out into random MCR songs."
"Well huh. Look who's talking!"
At that moment, Emmett began randomly singing The Bird and the Worm by The Used.
"NO SINGING!!! YOU HURTEDEDED MY EARS!!!"
"But I'm not even being that loud!"
"Just hush."
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Then, the audience just started dying laughing. Jasper the hardest. Emmett flipped Jasper off, which only made him laugh harder.
"JASPER HALE, I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR SORRY HIND-END INTO LAST MONTH!!!"
Right at that moment Edward flew off, the oven dinged. Emmett, embarrassed, rushed over to the oven and pulled whatever it was out. Man, that thing looked awful!!! It was horrible. As bad as that thing on the floor over there. Something you probably shouldn't look at, touch, or even sniff.
Alice started shouting at the top of her lungs. Soon after, everyone was joining in. You could make out what they were chanting, barely; "EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!"
Emmett said 'Aw, what the heck?' and then sniffed it. The looked at it funny, then stuck it in his mouth.
"OMGW!!! THAT IS PROBABLY THE NASTIEST THING EVER!!!!" Then he spit it out on the floor and looked at it really funny and then stomped on it, like you would a cockroach that is still running around without a head and it just looks really creepy. Edward laughed so hard, if he were human, he would've peed on himself.
Emmett got mad, and grabbed a piece of the cake and threw it at Edward. Edward threw a piece back. Soon, they were having a war throwing that thing at each other. They were laughing and swearing, and even a few audience members joined in.
Finally, Bill *poofed* into the room. Like, literally. He just popped in out of nowhere. He ran in front of the camera and yelled "THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY!!! BYE GUYS!!!" and then the camera shut off. He took Emmett and Edward behind the stage, gave them some brooms, and made them clean up the place.
~*-_-*~
The Cullens finally returned home. After a bunch of laughter, talk, and some (oddly nice) conversation between Emmett and Edward, the Cullens sat down in the living room and turned on the TV. It was on the news, and they decided to leave it on there.
"....After tonight's episode of that one cooking show no one ever pays attention to the name of because it's so crappy, ratings have been at an all time high. The two contestants, Edward and Emmett Cullen..."
"That's us!!!", shouted Emmett. A chorus of shushes resonated from the rest of the Cullens.
"...Made one of the best shows of it ever! Audience members loved the bit of humor that came from the two boys! But, unfortunately, they caused a lot of damage to the set. So much, they have to shut down the show forever. On the bright side, though, you can watch this episode on YouTube all year round!!"
They all turned the TV off. "What a night..." they all chorused.
THE END!!!!!
~*-_-*~
Author's Note: WOOT!!! I believe this is one of the greatest stories I've written, if I do say so myself. It was for a competition SlightlyGayPirate created. For details, look on either mine or her pages. And please, leave a review! I don't care what you type. Constructive critisism is accepted, but not flat-out flames. I need your feedback to make myself a better writer. I can't read your mind, you know. So, please, just press that little button down there and leave a review. Thanks :)