As I sit here alone in my empty house, I contemplate upon my life, what I've accomplished and what I have not. I am the son of the great White Fang, a celebrated strong, well rounded Shinobi, a cherished sensei and a candidate for the seat of Hokage but there was one thing that I could never seem to accomplish in my life, and when I think about it, I probably never will.
From the moment my parents died, I was always alone. I guess I'm used to solitude but everybody needs somebody to complement them and I never had that. I hide behind my mask to keep everybody at arm's length to spare myself of the heart ache that comes when those you care about leave you all alone with nothing but your memories of them. It's a defense mechanism so I will never reveal my true face to anybody. However, there is one person who I would want to reveal myself to if I were ever so lucky to be with her.
I have dated a few women in my lifetime but I can honestly say that I never loved them and I am certain that they never loved me either. Because of that, I have chosen to remain alone but sometimes the solitude accompanied by the chilling silence gets to me and drives me insane. The only things keeping me from going off the edge are my Icha Icha novels that keep me company.
There is one woman that I am sure I love but she is unattainable and it will always be that way. She's a beautiful blonde who has an amazing body along with the respect of everybody in the village. She is none other that Tsunade Senju, the fifth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves.
I'm not quite sure the exact moment in time when I fell in love with her but I'm certain that she has occupied my heart with her beauty. The first time I laid eyes on her was when she returned to the village a few years back to uphold her rightful position as Hokage. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I know she is a few years older than me, after all she was a part of my father's generation but that doesn't matter to me. Age is but a number when it comes to love.
Because of my rank as a ninja, I became one of her most trusted Shinobi. I would be lying if I said that didn't make me feel incredibly happy and special. I was now in a close proximity to her so that I could admire her closely yet silently. She doesn't know how I really feel about her and perhaps it is best that way. After all, she is unattainable.
That day when the Akatsuki leader Pain invaded and wreaked havoc in the village, I pursued him directly since I am a highly skilled jounin. He defeated me, and I died. In that moment, all of my feelings towards the Hokage meant absolutely nothing since I failed to confess them to her. She would never know.
Since Naruto knocked some sense into my attacker, I was brought back to life with his jutsu. I returned to humanity only to discover that the one I love the most was plunged into a coma after using every ounce of her chakra to protect and heal everybody in the village. My heart was heavy with sadness but I also felt proud to call her the Hokage. She was willing to sacrifice her life itself just to assure the safety of her people. A few weeks of complete depression on my part past and she finally emerged from her coma. A weight on my back was lifted because that not only meant that I was relieved of becoming the sixth Hokage but my dearly beloved was alive and well.
I rushed over to the building where she was recuperating feeling somewhat giddy but of course my feelings where hidden behind my mask. Just the sight of her perfectly sculpted face would make me feel whole again. I was allowed permission to enter her building by the ANBU black ops guarding the door so I managed to locate the room in which she was staying in. I lingered outside her room for a moment with my hand stationary on the door handle just to listen to her voice. She sounded quite raspy but that was to be expected given that she was in a coma for a few weeks. In that moment I wondered if I should really be visiting her right now. She could be tired and not in the mood for company and I would hate to be unwanted in her presence. I mustered up enough courage and gently knocked on the door with my fist.
"Come in!" A voice that I recognized to be Shizune, Tsunade's assistant called out.
With permission to enter, I made my way in. Once in the fairly large room, I saw the black haired jounin standing beside her master's bed with her pet pig cradled in her arms. I looked over to the Hokage who was seated in her bed with a tray of empty dishes piled upon each other in front of her.
"Nice to see you awake Lady Tsunade. They wanted me to become the Hokage." I said in order to break the silence in the room. She chuckled a bit and returned to her meal that was finished in a matter of seconds.
"Shizune, can you go and get me some more food please. I don't want to go back to being that old hag again." Tsunade instructed. I have never seen her in her older form before but even if I had the opportunity to do so, it would not alter my feelings towards her. I was not only in love with her beauty, my love was far deeper than that to be limited to looks alone.
Shizune left the room in search of food for her master so we were left alone. Since she had no food in front of her, she engaged me in conversation, "That Pain was strong. He managed to take you out."
Memories of the strong red headed man flashed before my eyes. I remembered the coldness that I felt when I sensed his chakra and his peculiar eyes that had evil intent within them. He was by far the most challenging opponent I have ever battled. That was evident since he did manage to kill me. When I think about it, if it wasn't for Naruto I would be dead and therefore not able to be here standing before my precious Tsunade, "He was indeed strong. I'm just glad that I'm alive today."
"I'm glad you're alive too." Her words knocked the air out of me. I was so shocked to hear her say that to me. She actually cared that I died. She's happy I'm alive. I wanted to jump for joy or hug her or even kiss her but I knew that I couldn't. A boundary was placed between us and it should not be crossed. As usual, my emotions were hidden behind my mask so she could not tell how happy I was. All she could see was a shady, emotionless jounin before her.
"When I was transferring my chakra to Katsuyu, I could sense everybody's chakra. It was quite distressing to feel someone's chakra slowly fade away. I never thought that would happen to you but it did. I would be lying if I said I wasn't sad because I was. I even punched one of the concrete walls on top of the mansion, breaking it in the process just to cope with my feelings." She explained and I was speechless, "So yeah I'm happy you're back." She smiled.
I couldn't believe she said all of that to me. Perhaps I meant so much more to her.
"After all, you are one of my most valued jounin."
Most valued jounin. My hopes for us to be together were shattered with just those words. There I was feeling so excited that she was sad that I died and was genuinely happy to see me alive and well only to be completely shut down by those words. I was nothing but a skilled Shinobi to her. I would never be anything but that.
I excused myself from the room and told her that I had some business to attend to as my reason for my departure. If I stayed there then I would have risked my true emotions being shown. No matter what, I could not reveal myself to her, not after that blow. I was ready to express my feelings to her but how could I after she told me that I'm just one of her most valued jounin?
Maybe I was a little too ahead of myself. After all, the ones she loved the most died and left her. First Nawaki then Dan and finally Master Jiraiya. Her heart was occupied by those three people and there was no room left for me. Perhaps she was just unable to love again. Maybe she was damaged, just like me or maybe she doesn't harbor any feelings of love for me. Whatever the reason, it is clear that it is not our destiny to end up in a romantic relationship together.
Months passed and I purposefully avoided her to preserve my sanity. When she would send for me to assign me a mission I would pretend that I was sick or purposefully eat expired foods just to get out of it. A Shinobi should never decline a mission, if he does he is considered to be a coward or vain. I was not vain so I guess that makes me a coward. I'm a coward because I am unwilling to face my feelings and I am physically unable to stand in her presence without wanting to crumble into pieces before her. So I hid away in my lonely house, observing the pictures of me and my students looking so happy. Naruto and Sasuke glared at each other while my hands rested on their heads and Sakura was in the middle smiling. It was as if they were mocking me, reminding me of a happy time. But was I truly happy back then or was I just pretending?
The silence in my house drove me near to insanity. It was so quiet that I could hear the voices inside my head telling me that I was destined for loneliness. It wasn't too long before my dreams turned into nightmares and haunted me each time I closed my eyes. I woke up in a cold sweat and suddenly felt the urge to exit my house. I could not stand it anymore. I couldn't remain there. If I did, only the God above knows what would have happened. Perhaps if I stayed, I would not be here today to tell my pitiful story of unrequited love.
I took a long walk in the village until the morning sun came up, shining ever so brilliantly, lighting up the entire village. It seemed as if all was happy while I was dying internally. My internal depression leaked out and made itself known on my exterior. I looked as if I aged although I have not celebrated a birthday during my months of self-induced solitude. I didn't care about my appearance. It wasn't as if I had somebody who wanted me to look presentable anyway.
I walked to the Shinobi graveyard to visit my old teammates' graves. I always went over there to tell them of the latest happenings in my life. Logically I knew that they could not hear me and therefore could not offer any solutions to my problems but it gave me a sense of comfort to talk to them. I liked the fact that they could not respond because when talking to people who can talk back to you, you leave yourself open to scrutiny.
First I visited Rin. Her grave was adorned with flowers from relatives. She was the cherished only daughter of her parents so they loved her unconditionally. I think her parents silently hate me regardless of how much they say they don't since I was the one who took her life. I hate myself for that because I not only robbed a family of their daughter and sister but I was unable to keep my promise to my other teammate who passed away. He entrusted her protection to me and instead of doing as I was told I killed her with my own two hands and chakra turned into a lighting blade. I stood before the slab of concrete with my hands in my pockets and spoke to her freely, "I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while Rin and I'm sorry I didn't bring flowers, I know how much you like them but your family has kept you supplied with a lot of beautiful ones. I was in depression for months. I think I'm still depressed but the loneliness of my house was driving me crazy. You're probably wondering why. Well, you don't know her but I'm in love with Tsunade Senju, one of the legendary Sannin that we learned about in school. She doesn't love me and it will always be that way. If you could talk to me you would say that I should move on with my life but I'm not sure if I can do that. I just love her so much. I'll try though. It will be tough but I'll try. I'm sorry again for doing this to you. I hope you can find it within your heart to forgive me. Bye."
While I was walking over to Obito's grave, out of the corner of my eyes I saw Lady Tsunade standing over the grave that belonged to the toad sage Master Jiraiya. His body was never found but he was still given a grave due to his rank and his importance to Lady Tsunade. She was crying but had a small bundle cradled in her arms. She whispered something to the bundle which I found strange and placed some freshly picked flowers at the grave then wiped away her tears. My first instinct was to run, after all I was supposed to be sick. My attempts to run away proved to be futile when I heard her call out my name. I was frozen. Unable to say anything or to turn in the opposite direction and walk away. She approached me and my heart was beating hard in my chest that I felt like I was about to have a heart attack.
"It's good to see you up and about, given that you were so ill over the past months." She said and I just stared at her, "Visiting someone?"
I nodded, "Rin and Obito."
She smiled a bit and I managed to remove my eyes from her face down to the tiny bundle in her arms. It wasn't just a bunch of cloth. It was a baby. A baby with blonde hair and obsidian eyes. Could that baby actually be...
"Her name is Haru." Tsunade informed me when she saw me staring at the small child.
"W-Who does she belong to?" I asked nervously, unsure if I really wanted to know the answer.
She looked at me confused but her expression was soon modified into one of understanding, "Oh, that's right. You wouldn't know since you were sick for so long." She looked down at Haru and gently stroked her cheek, "She belongs to me and Jiraiya."
It was as if someone stabbed me in the back and twisted it around many times, rupturing my organs and every ounce of my being. I should have offered well wishes or said congratulations but somehow I could not speak. I always knew that Master Jiraiya and Lady Tsunade were close friends but I never thought that they were actually a couple. They were together and he died leaving her with a child who was a perfect mixture of the two of them. That tiny human being was proof of the love that the two sannin had for each other. Now I knew for sure that her heart could never hold a space for me. Not only was it occupied by the three men she loved the most but now by her daughter.
I then came to the realization that it wasn't in my place to say anything about my love for her. It would be inappropriate because by the appearance of the child, she was just born a few days ago. For the first time in months I managed to smile, "Congratulations Lady Tsunade. You will make a terrific mother."
Who was I to come in and declare my love for her. I couldn't do it and I will never do it. That child she was cradling in her arms is without a father. She needs Tsunade to provide her with both the love of a mother and a father. It would be selfish and cruel of me to try to steal a place in Tsunade's heart because now her heart should solely belong to her own bundle of joy.
In the end, my story was not just one of sadness but it is one of learning to let go...