First and most importantly HAPPY AKUROKU DAY!

Yay! Finally have begun getting up my Axel/Roxas story up…been working on it for quite a while. Didn't finish the whole thing in time for Akuroku 8/13 day, but I'm happy I at least got the prologue edited and ready to be posted today! Must keep editing the first half of the typed story…and then finishing the story and getting the second half typed… 8D

This whole story came about because of a picture of Axel and Roxas from knightted on photobucket the story certainly changed from what I had first made up to build a story to explain why Roxas was saying what he was and there isn't a scene in my story with them exactly how they are in the picture, but to the same effect.

.com/albums/kk88/knightted/kingdom%20hearts/axel%20roxas/?action=view¤t= if knightted from photobucket is the artist then whoever is excellent job!

I guess obviously the main pairing is Axel/Roxas, but there will be mentions of a little Riku/Sora and I couldn't help sneaking in Leon/Cloud ^^. Otherwise enjoy! And the next chapter will be up in a week!

And of course I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters, but the storyline is my own idea.

Prologue:

It's been two years now since I have been with him: two since I left Organization XIII and him, a little under two since Diz wiped my memories of him and everything else; replacing them with false memories of an alternate past and Twilight Town. One and a half years since I returned to Sora's body and lost any sort of contact to him. Just over a year since I regained all my memories from my 'birth' of a nobody all the way to when Diz wiped my memories. After that my next and final memory before becoming a separate being from Sora once more, is when I watched him die after saving Sora from hundreds of enemies. I know he knew I saw what he had done when my tears fell from Sora's eyes as he, Axel, faded into nothing.

Almost a year has passed since Organization XIII and Kingdom Hearts were destroyed and Sora, Riku, and Kairi returned at long last to Destiny Islands taking myself as well as Naminé with them. For reasons we still don't really understand, both Naminé and myself have our own bodies separate from Kairi and Sora AND we both have our own hearts, however implausible it is. The four of us are all healthy and conscious unlike last time when Sora was asleep in that special egg. When Kingdom Hearts was destroyed, Naminé received her own heart and I materialized outside of Sora's body with a permanent one of my own with a heart and all. I was unconscious, but woke a day later when Sora, Donald, Goofy, King Mickey, Riku, and Kairi took Naminé and I with them to Radiant Gardens to see Sora's friends and relay the good news of the world's being safe once more.

For the few weeks we stayed in Radiant Gardens, for me at least, was spent trying to get myself under some semblance of control which was proving near impossible with the powerful emotions that accompanied my newly acquired heart. I was never able to grieve for Axel before, seeing as soon as he had fully faded way, so did my awareness of the outside world and I was once again repressed in Sora. Because of this, his 'death' was still fresh in my memories as it was the last thing I could remember. Even as a nobody, I felt a lot of sadness and grief as I watched helpless as he faded from existence. Now that I have a heart, the emotions are magnified so much I became instantly overwhelmed.

Why Xemnas and the rest of us wanted hearts so badly, I'm not entirely sure anymore as to me they just bring pain, sadness, despair, and a whole lot of other unpleasant emotions. That first day I was awake for a total of eight hours, according to Sora, before I had passed out from crying myself sick to utter exhaustion. The following thirteen days were spent in a similar fashion keeping little food and water down. By the time I had gotten enough control to not cry myself sick, I had lost what minimal fat my body had and then some. I was seriously dehydrated and in serious need of nutrients; cure and life potions can only do so much when the body isn't injured from an outside source.

Merlin was generous enough to dig through his older texts to make me some extra strong potions good for restoring hydration and nutrients; both had been created long before Sora was ever a key blade master (or so I was told by Merlin), but they had been intended for nursing the ill or starving. After a few days of the substances Merlin made, my body was deemed back to normal health levels, though I had to continually take extra supplements and drink lots of fluid to keep my body stable. I didn't gained any of my quickly dropped weight back, though we all supposed that it would take time and I know it didn't help that I had no appetite; the thought of food made my stomach squirm uncomfortably. Thoughts of Axel gone from my life and every world with no chance of ever finding or seeing him again weighed heavily on me and probably had just about everything to do with my non-existent appetite.

The time we spent in Radiant Gardens is mostly a miserable blur to me becoming clearer the longer I was there. The days where I did nothing but cry all I can remember is…I don't even know how to begin explaining the devastating loss…pain, loneness…despair…I guess feeling miserable and wishing I was either still repressed inside Sora or that I could just die and be released from this strong emotional torture.

After that I can recall before I left with Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Naminé, to Destiny Islands, King Mickey and Merlin asked me questions about my time as a nobody and the when I was and wasn't part of Organization XIII as well as if I had any idea as to why or how I separated from Sora and how me and Naminé had each gotten a heart. Honestly I still have no clue how any of it was even possible. All I could tell them was what I saw firsthand and learned from the other nobodies. I couldn't answer their questions about how a nobody regains a heart or why that was what I had been so driven to do along with the other nobodies, though I guess they still learned a lot of information from what I could remember.

It wasn't until later that I found out I wasn't the only one who was questioned. Riku and Naminé apparently had been asked, answering questions while I had been too out of it to notice anything but Axel's absence. And of course Sora added in what he, Donald, and Goofy learned while on their journey too, not that I can remember, what he said at that particular time or if I was even in hearing range, but over the course of this last year, we have had plenty of time to talk and I can say that I now know what he learned and about all of his adventures.

When we arrived at Destiny Island, I learned that it had been decided that Naminé would live with Kairi and me with Sora. It made sense and probably would have pissed me off as the arrangement was decided without me have any choice, but it would have been what I would have wanted anyways and I really couldn't bring myself to care what the hell happened to me to even find the decision even slightly annoying at the time. With Axel gone, the one person I ever cared about and had fallen in love with even as a nobody, I didn't care in the least what would happen to me. All I wanted was to be rid of the pain caused by my emotions and to be where ever Axel is.

There's not a day that goes by – not an hour goes by – that I don't think or am reminded of him. Memories of Axel make me as happy as I can be without him, but the knowledge that I will never see him, be in his arms, feel his lips on mine, or just simply being near ever again makes me sad at best and crying myself sick at worst. It was almost unbearable at first being so devastated, but after leaving Radiant Gardens I steadily cried less and less as I have become more efficient at controlling my emotions – however little that control my seem when compared to other somebodies, but at least I'm getting better - though even a year later, I still can't help but shed a few tears when I go to sleep each night to cold sheets instead of comforting arms wrapped around me and a warm body to fall asleep on.

I know that some people don't believe in soul mates, but the more I learn about them, the more I can't help but believe that me and Axel are…or were. Whether or not nobodies actually have souls or not I don't know, but it is possible. Nobodies are those without hearts by definition; no one has ever said or insinuated that they don't have souls. And don't souls collect the memories and emotions of a person? So I believe that if the individual's body craves for the rush of an emotion strong enough that the soul in the nobody will let the body and mind experience a shadow of the emotion. Compared to the emotions I felt as a nobody and the ones I can feel today, the ones today could be described as something solid while as a nobody I felt the shadow of the possible emotions I could feel and do now. I know I love…loved Axel without a doubt and I know he loved me. Even without our hearts we still had a connection that grew and developed. Damn anyones logic or reasoning, I know we felt emotions and I know those emotions came from us. Not from memories of our somebodies, but us; our own personal souls.

Even though Xemnas and most of the other nobodies would scoff and call me an idiot claiming emotions were impossible for nobodies, I believe even they have them. Anger is an emotion and so is longing. Xemnas and some of the earlier members definitely got mad and showed burning anger and why else would they strive so determinedly if they didn't long for a heart so much? …though maybe they feared fading into nothing eventually if they didn't have a heart. Beings with hearts don't fade away, only those who have no heart can fade into absolute nothing…

If Naminé and I have hearts surely we also had souls as nobodies and that, the soul, is what tied me and Axel so closely together allowing us to feel a whole range of emotions both pleasant and otherwise. That in and of its self certainly helps to explain why I'm so emotional when it comes to him.

Axel, he was always the best at getting reactions and emotions out of me and it seems even in death he still does. I don't feel much emotion for anything if it doesn't in some direct or indirect way have to do with him or something that will remind me of him.

Sora of course tries to cheer me up and get me to smile; along with the others, they can usually raise my spirits, but I don't always smile and I haven't had a truly happy smile cross my face since before I left Axel and Organization XIII. And I have yet to laugh; not even a chuckle as I see no point in doing something that takes so much energy to force out when my source of happiness is no longer in any reality.

I feel as if all my happiness and half of whatever else made me who I am faded away into nothing right along with Axel, having escaped me through my tears that dripped down from Sora's eyes onto Axel when he faded. Even though it may seem I'm just being dramatic and not trying to get over losing him, I'm not. I'm really trying to be happy again as I know he'd want me to. He'd want me to live my life for the both of us, not only because he gave his existence for mine but also because I know he would never want me to throw my life away when there's still so many answers to questions I have about humanity from my time as a nobody that I have yet to answer. He always tried to answer them the best he could or try and help me find the answers so I only feel that it's right if I keep living so someday I will have the answers to the questions I had that drove me into leaving in the first place. I will not let his sacrifice be meaningless. My only goal is to find as many answers as I can…but it's so hard without him.

He had always been there for me before. I was so used to him always standing by my side and supporting me, it's hard to have the only support I've ever known and trusted gone in this new part of my existence. Axel had always been there for me and never left no matter how hard something got or what the consequences of the organizations leaders might have been. Though I can never blame him for not totally turning against them and leaving with me; he risked enough when he tried to stop me. But he never did stop protecting me as he searched until he found me in the alternate Twilight Town where he tried to get me out of there to prevent what he knew was something bad even if he didn't know what that something was at the time.

He was there for me as I came to for the first time as a nobody. He was the first face I remember ever seeing. He discovered me in the darkness and looked after me even when he wasn't asked to. He taught me how to fight, to use magic, how to use the dark portals, to ask questions and search for the answers, and so much more, but most importantly he taught me how to care and love. He stood by my side no matter what all the way until he faded, never faltering in his trust and choice to support me in my decisions. As a result all his efforts combined with my own emotions and attachment, I can't help but still morn his absence. Axel was always more than just a comrade and someone who looked after me. He was my whole existence when I was a nobody and even now as a somebody I keep living with memories of him giving me the courage and strength do carry on the best I can from day to day.

Hope you readers enjoyed and there wasn't too many grammar mistakes…anyone wanna beta? Or know of one what would be willing to look over my work? Otherwise reviews are very much appreciated! Ohh and one more thing. I must say I'm extremely proud of myself for waking up on my own on Akuroku day at exactly 8:13 am :D ^^ !