The uneasiness had started as soon as Brambleclaw had suggested asking the other cats who had been to sun-drown-place to come with them on the journey to the mountains to help the Tribe. The last thing she wanted was to spend a moon or more with her sister's former mate and his WindClan kit, alone in the knowledge that Crowfeather had fathered Jaypaw, Lionpaw and Hollypaw. She could hardly protest it, though. Who would understand? She could feel Leafpool's anxiety prickling through her fur; however much her sister tried to hide her feelings from her Clanmates, the two sisters had always been able to feel each others' emotions.
Squirrelflight knew that Leafpool really was happy that her kits would get the chance to visit the mountains. Yet she would naturally fear for them; especially Jaypaw, who took too many risks when trying to prove himself to other cats. There were enough dangers in the forest without him going to a place where one wrong step could mean death.
Her talk with Crowfeather in the WindClan camp had been a disaster of awkwardness and bad feeling. Squirrelflight felt grief welling up inside her like a dark, sticky fog as she remembered how often she and Crowfeather had risked their lives for one another on their journey. How had everything gone so wrong since? Despite what had happened to her sister, she couldn't truly hate Crowfeather. Why did he have to make things so difficult?
When Onestar had ordered Breezepaw to join the patrol as well, Squirrelflight had to force herself not to sink her claws into the grass. She was always afraid when the kits were together that some cat would see the family resemblance. She had glanced sideways at Hollypaw, chatting with Breezepaw and wondered how Crowfeather never figured it out. But then, he had always been a mousebrain.
Squirrelflight let out a sigh as Jaypaw scurried around the camp with the travelling herbs. She could guess why Leafpool wasn't the one handing them out, with Crowfeather and his son standing among the ThunderClan cats. That and her own private sense of Leafpool told her that her sister was too paralyzed by grief to face her former mate and his new life.
Once Jaypaw had left the medicine den to join the patrol, Squirrelflight padded past him, slipping through the brambles and into the welcome coolness of the cave. She couldn't see Leafpool, but she picked up her scent from the herb store at the back. "Leafpool?" she called quietly.
Leafpool whipped around. "Squirrelflight! You nearly frightened me out of my fur," she hissed. Her amber eyes were dark with more pain than Squirrelflight could fully understand, though it clawed at her belly.
"I wanted to say goodbye," Squirrelflight meowed, padding closer until she stood in front of the light tabby she-cat. "You haven't left your den since they arrived."
"I wanted to say goodbye to you all, but I- I just can't face them."
Squirrelflight touched her nose to Leafpool's ear. "I know. Did you say goodbye to Jaypaw?"
Her sister nodded. "Yes." She was silent for a moment, then her amber eyes blazed. "Promise you'll take care of them," she mewed.
"I promised you I would before they were born," Squirrelflight meowed. "And I've always tried."
Leafpool sighed. "I know. I worry, that's all. Oh, Squirrelflight, I wish I could tell them!"
Pain sliced through her. "I know," she mewed softly. "But what would the Clan do? I... I wish I had told Brambleclaw, but there never seemed to be a right time and now he would never forgive me if he knew I'd lied to him for so long."
The medicine cat closed her eyes and swayed on her paws. "Everything's gone wrong."
Squirrelflight gave her sister's ear a lick. "We still have each other and our Clan," she reminded her. "And at least we can still see the cats we love."
Leafpool opened her eyes, letting out a shuddering breath. "You're right," she sighed. "My grief won't help the Clan. You should go now, Squirrelflight; they'll be waiting."
"Promise you'll take care of yourself?" the ginger warrior meowed. "You matter, too, Leafpool."
The medicine cat purred. "I promise. Take care, Squirrelflight."
"You too, Leafpool."
As Squirrelflight padded away to join the patrol, she could feel her sister's grief and loneliness pulsing through her paws. Please take care of her, StarClan, she prayed as she forced a bright purr to Brambleclaw. She's given up everything for you.