The disclaimer that tells you I don't own any GI Joe characters is trying to score some chicken soup somewhere. Just another crazy idea from my sick mind.

Cobra Verses The Flu

"This is Cobra Commander! Prepare to cower before the might of Cobra and it's invincible army!" Cobra Commander shouted as he rode in a giant motorized vehicle as he led an army of Cobras to victory on a small isolated military outpost on a tropical island somewhere. "You will fall to Cobra and Ah…Ahh…ACHOOOOO!"

"Gesunteit," Destro said.

"Oh stuff it Destro," Cobra Commander sniffed. "AAAAACHOOOOO!"

"Under the weather?" Destro asked.

"Today we will…We will…ACHOOO!" Cobra Commander sneezed.

"Get a new recipe for chicken soup?" Destro quipped.

"No! We are gonna…gonna…AACHOOOOOO!" Cobra Commander sneezed yet again. "Ugh I sneezed in my helmet…"

"Oh these invasions get more and more amusing as time goes by," Destro sighed. He was riding in the giant vehicle along with Zartan, the Baroness and Dr. Mindbender.

"I knew I should have worn the cowl today…" Cobra Commander grunted. "Not only do I have some snot on my face it's impossible to blow my nose!"

"Could you please not scream so loud?" The Baroness groaned. Her face was puffy and her nose was red. "It's bad enough I'm freezing cold I've got a freaking headache!"

"Wow you're so sick you can't even come up with a decent swear," Dr. Mindbender hacked. "Ugh…Not that I blame you. Anybody see my heating pad?"

"I think one of the Dreadnoks took it," Zartan sniffed, he too was sick.

"This is all your fault Mindbender!" Cobra Commander coughed. "You and your stupid germ warfare ideas!"

"Look on paper you have to admit that a genetically altered super flu virus was a good idea!" Dr. Mindbender blew his already red nose. "How was I supposed to know it would become super contagious and mutate beyond the abilities of any flu shot?"

"I did," Destro grimaced. He was the only one not ill. "That's why I've been staying as far away from all of you as possible and loading up on vitamin C."

"Oh shut up Destro!" The Baroness snapped. "Oooh, even my teeth hurt!"

"I still think we should have postponed this attack," Destro let out a sigh. "At least our troops seem to have gotten this illness over this quickly."

"Uh not exactly…" Dr. Mindbender coughed.

"Well there couldn't have been that many of our soldiers calling in sick because there are a lot of them out there," Cobra Commander surveyed the battle field. "In fact there seems to be more of them than usual."

SPLAT!

Some grayish gunk splattered on the vehicle's windshield. "Our troops replaced themselves with Synthoids again so they could take a day off didn't they?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Well the Dreadnoks are still here but other than that yeah…" Dr. Mindbender sneezed. "Anybody seen my nasal spray?"

SPLAT SPLUNK SPLOT SQUISH!

"What was that?" The Baroness coughed.

"I think we ran over some of our synthetic soldiers," Destro looked out the window.

"Well, at least we don't have to fill out any insurance forms," Cobra Commander coughed. "Ugh my throat is sore…"

"Here's a cough drop," Dr. Mindbender pulled one out of his coat.

"What flavor is it?" Cobra Commander asked.

"I don't think it has a flavor," Dr. Mindbender said. "It's one of those Swiss Rico-somethings."

"Oh yeah I've had those," Zartan said. "They're pretty good."

"Do they work?" The Baroness coughed.

"They worked for me," Zartan shrugged.

"You got anything cherry flavored?" Cobra Commander asked.

"If you don't want it, I'll take it!" The Baroness said.

"I didn't say I didn't want it," Cobra Commander corrected. "I just asked if he had another flavor."

"What do I look like? A drug store?" Dr. Mindbender snapped. "You take what you get!"

"I'll take it," The Baroness said reaching over for it.

"Hold on a second! Maybe I want it!" Dr. Mindbender snapped keeping it away from her.

"Forget you! I'm your commanding officer and if I want it, I'll take it!" Cobra Commander reached over for it.

"How are you going to eat it? Suck it through a straw?" The Baroness snapped.

"She has a point," Zartan said.

"Oh damn I forgot," Cobra Commander groaned. "I could take the helmet off…"

"NO!" Everyone shouted.

"Last time you did that we had seven suicides!" Dr. Mindbender snapped. "At the same time!"

"And the last thing we want to see is your snot covered deformed face," The Baroness grimaced. "My stomach is already doing flip flops and something like that could push me over the edge."

"You're right," Cobra Commander groaned. "The thought of that makes even me sick. Well sicker…"

"Yoink!" Zartan grabbed the cough drop.

"Hey!" The Baroness snapped.

"You snooze you lose," Zartan grinned.

"Give me that cough drop Zartan or so help me…" The Baroness growled.

"What are you going to do? Sneeze on me?" Zartan taunted.

"Don't tempt me…" The Baroness snarled. "Give it!"

"No!" Zartan tried to keep the cough drop away but was tackled by the Baroness. "GET OFF ME!"

"YOU GIVE THAT COUGH DROP TO ME!" The Baroness snapped.

"OVER MY COLD DEAD BODY!" Zartan yelled. "Ugh which will not be soon enough the way I am feeling!"

"Excuse me, I hate to interrupt but can we get back to the invasion please?" Destro asked. "I would not mention it but this is kind of important!"

"Relax Destro our Synthoid army has this well in hand," Dr. Mindbender waved.

SCREEEECH!

CRASH!

"Still having trouble programming right turns in our Synthoid drivers?" Destro sighed.

"I'm afraid so," Dr. Mindbender winced.

"That's a big mess out there," Cobra Commander grimaced. "Ugh. Now my stomach is doing more flip flops than a member of the Illinois State Government. At least the Dreadnoks are out there."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Great the Dreadnoks are still out there…" The Baroness winced.

"Uh do you think it was a good idea giving Torch all that flu medication before letting him drive an experimental tank?" Zartan blinked.

SCREECH!

SKID!

BOOM!

CRASH!

"Apparently not," Destro sighed.

"Wow," Dr. Mindbender blinked. "That's a pretty big hole."

"Too bad it is in the middle of where our anti assault tanks were," Destro groaned. "Oh look, it's raining Synthoid parts."

"Look we can still win this battle and…" Cobra Commander began.

BOOM!

"Who am I kidding?" Cobra Commander groaned as the assault vehicle shook. "Why are my own troops firing on me?"

"Besides the usual reasons?" Destro quipped.

BOOOOM! BOOOM! BOOM!

"It's not our troops that are firing on us Cobra Commander," The Baroness grimaced as the vehicle shook again. "It's that one large tank that seems to be spinning around and around and around and…Oh I'm feeling very queasy now. I think I'm going to…I'm going to..."

"BLEAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCHHHH!"

A huge retching sound was heard from Cobra Commander. "No I'm fine," The Baroness shrugged. "It passed."

"AAAGGH! I JUST THREW UP IN MY HELMET!" Cobra Commander screamed. "My face is covered with vomit!"

"Now I am starting to feel ill," Destro groaned.

"You're getting sick too?" Zartan sniffed.

"Yes, but not from the virus," Destro glared. "From the increasing ineptitude of this organization! Which is becoming more of a disorganization all the time!"

"Baroness I have a better idea," Zartan said. "Let's sneeze on Destro instead!"

"Good idea! Spread the pain around!" The Baroness snapped. "Oh Destro darling…"

"Stay away from me woman if you know what's good for you!" Destro tried to move away.

"GET HIM!" The Baroness shouted as she and Zartan tackled him. "AAACHOOO!"

"AND ACHOOO FROM ME TOO!" Zartan yelled.

"STOP SNEEZING ON ME YOU SICK FREAKS!" Destro screamed.

"Oh look I did have a cherry flavored cough drop," Dr. Mindbender pulled another one out of his pocket. "Do you still want it Cobra Commander?"

"All right, that's it…" Cobra Commander moaned. "Maybe I should rewrite my policy on sick days?"