The Hobbit: An Unexpected Parody Chapter 1: Shots, a hobbit fanfic

So due to my recent obsession over the Hobbit, I have taken it upon myself to write a parody, since I seem to be good at those. Am I? Why don't you find out :)

I just wanted to point out that some of the chapter is based off of the YouTube video "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Parody" by The Hillywood Show. I had the same idea (for the title and what happens) but they got theirs on the internet first. Oh well :/

And the song in this chapter is "Shots" by LMFAO. You should listen to it if you don't know it; it's a really good song :D

I had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you have even more fun reading it! So without further ado:

One day Bilbo was outside having a smoke when Gandalf walked up.

"Er... good morning," Bilbo greeted, even though there were many gray clouds in the sky.

"NO ITS NOT." Gandalf said very, very loudly. He slammed his staff on the ground which caused a shockwave of bright blue light to blast everything within a five mile radius. All of the clouds dissipated, revealing a sun that was inexplicably sporting a smiley face.

"AAGGGH!" Bilbo screamed, covering his eyes. "YOU JUST BLINDED ME!"

"How would you like to go on an adventure with some fine-ass dwarves?," Gandalf asked, completely unaware of this sudden change of events.

"Nope, no adventures, bye," Bilbo replied hastily, running toward his door... and heading face-first into a wall since he was still blind. After spending a great deal of time trying to find his doorknob, Bilbo wrenched open his door and disappeared into his house.

After Gandalf was sure the young hobbit was gone, he walked up to the door and quietly began to draw a mark on the round, green door. After drawing a smiley face in red crayon and signing his name, Gandalf left.

Later that evening, Bilbo, having recovered from his blindness, was sitting down to dinner. He was just thinking about how he was a total loner since he always ate dinner alone when the doorbell rang.

"What the hell? I don't have a doorbell," Bilbo muttered as he walked to the door.

When he opened the door a dwarf stood there, blowing a dwarfish horn that was making doorbell noises. He stopped when he noticed Bilbo. "Dwalin, at your service," the dwarf bowed.

"Er... Bilbo Baggins at your ser-"

"Got any alcohol?" Dwalin grunted, stepping inside.

"Well, if I may first inquire, why are you here-"

"Ah, there it is!" Dwalin made a beeline for the pantry, where several barrels of ale were clearly visible.

Before Bilbo could make a move to follow the audacious dwarf, there came a knock at his door.

Upon being opened, he saw another dwarf sporting a white beard.

"Have you seen a dwarf about yea high with a weird, gay hat?" the dwarf inquired before Bilbo could even say anything.

Since Dwalin was bald, Bilbo shook his head.

"HA!" the white haired dwarf screamed into the air. "I GOT HERE FIRST YOU LITTLE BITCH! THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN BALIN TOWN!" Balin partied into Bag End. That's right, I just used 'party' as a verb.

Next to knock on the door were two young dwarves.

"My name's Fili, yo," said the blond.

"And I'm Kili!" the other one squealed. He grabbed Bilbo and started jumping around, nearly knocking out Bilbo's teeth. "We're going to be BFF's OMG!"

"Sorry about that!" Fili dragged Kili into the dining room, where Dwalin and Balin were moving tables and pillows to make a fort.

"Don't touch that table it was from Juicy Couture!" Bilbo screamed, but his protests were drowned out by another knock.

The disgruntled hobbit stomped over to his door. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT N-" A flood of dwarves burst through the doors and literally trampled poor Bilbo.

Last of all came Gandalf, who stooped down and peered through the door at the trampled hobbit. "All right there, my dear Bilbo?"

Bilbo shakily stuck up his middle finger.

"Quite all right, I see."

Gandalf looked around the foyer at the collection of dwarves, all of whom were holding some form of alcohol. He raised his staff, which knocked down the chandelier. The chandelier fell onto Oin. He wasn't moving.

They all stared at Oin. "Ah, well then," Gandalf started. He picked up Bilbo, who had also been partially crushed by the chandelier. "Let me introduce you to the members of our party."

Bilbo regained use of his voice. "Wait, party? But I didn't invite-"

"Fili and Kili," Gandalf introduced. They nodded at Bilbo.

"Dori, Nori, and Ori." Dori, Nori and Ori waved.

"Oin and Gloin," Gloin tried to wave extra wide but his glove flew off and hit Oin, who still wasn't moving, in the face.

"Dwalin and Balin."

"Hi there," Dwalin greeted, drinking.

Balin grunted.

"Bifur, Bofur-"

"Why the hell do their names all rhyme?" Bilbo questioned.

"How dare you interrupt the speech of Gandalf the Gray!" Bifur roared, swinging his hammer. It imbedded itself in the wall, spraying wood splinters over everybody, but mainly Oin, who was still under the chandelier.

"Well, that was unnecessary but entertaining," Gandalf commented. "But, continuing: Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur."

Bifur growled and pulled his axe from the wall. Bilbo cowered. Bofur shook Bilbo's hand.

"Hello," Bombur greeted, eating.

"Okay, so now that we're all acquainted, let's get this party started!" Gandalf shouted. All the dwarves rushed to the pantry and started singing.

When i walk in the club

All eyes on me

I'm with the party rock crew

All drinks are free

"NOW LEMME HEAR YA SING!" Gandalf screamed, passing around shots.

"Shots!"

"That was my turn, you asshole!"

"Shots!"

"Why am I under a chandelier?"

"Shots!"

"You wanna go? I could take you to Mordor, ya little bitch."

"Shots!"

"EVERYBODY!" Gandalf shouted, passing around more drinks and pushing Bilbo away by his face when the hobbit tried to stop him.

"That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!" Gloin sang. The house became silent and everybody stared at Gloin. Gandalf shook his head in disappointment. Carmichael nodded nugatorily.

There was a knock at the door. Gandalf opened the door and a regal dwarf turned around dramatically, wearing a pair of shutter shades. Pounding music came out of nowhere.

"Yo, bitches, let's get this party started. Thorin Oakenshield is in the house!" the dwarf exclaimed, and started crowd surfing. Thorin crowd-surfed to the middle of the foyer, did a triple flip, and landed right on Oin's face. Oin had just crawled out from under the fallen chandelier and now lay on the floor with Thorin's boot on his face.

Meanwhile, Bilbo was drinking what he assumed to be his second glass of red wine.

"Hey, you do know that's hard liquor..." Fili began.

Then the alcohol hit Bilbo's bloodstream.

Needless to say, there was a lot of partying.

And that's chapter one! :D What did you guys think? I really hope you laughed. From here on out it's going to be entirely original, but it'll follow the movie verse. If there's anything funny you guys would want to happen, make sure to tell me!

PS. Nugatorily is a real word ;)