Hello, it's me again. I apologize I haven't written or updated anything in AGES. But a lot has been going on lately. The recent being the split from my wife. It's taken it's toll on me, and I just haven't been in the mood for writing. But I wrote this last week and decided to post it up when I made it to the libary. I decided to re-arrange a few things to be able to make it a one-shot relating to Catherine and Sara. So basically it's Catherine talking about her relationship with Sara and how she's feeling.
Hope you enjoy
It's been 4 years since she came into my life and I fell in love with her, instantly. The best 4 years of my life. She changed my life, made me happy. Made me want to LIVE. It's been 4 years since I knew she was the one I wanted to spend my life with, have kids with and grow old with. I didn't tell her for months though, cuz I was scared. I didn't want another relationship. I didn't want my heart broken again. I was scared cuz I knew once she had my heart, she could bring me to my knees and bring my world crashing down around with me with a few simple words of "I don't love you anymore" "We're not working out" or "I've found somebody else who makes me happier" I feared she'd leave me. Once I told her and we started a relationship, it took a lot for me to trust her with my heart. She made promises and even wrote me a poem expressing her love and devotion to me. I fell more in love with her. I finally trusted her with my heart and I married her. But there was always a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that she'd leave me.
It's been 3 years since she made me the happiest woman on earth. Happy as I could call her MY wife. Happy as I was going to spend the rest of my life with HER. Happy cuz we made plans togetherabout our future, how to raise OUR kids. But she had a black cloud hanging over her head fearing I'd leave HER! I told her I'd never leave her, I love her too much to leave. How could I leave the woman who I loved more than my own life? How could I leave the ONLY person that had made me happy again, loved me for me, and made me want to live and love again? She said she'd never leave me and I believed her.
Now it's been a year since she first said didn't love me. Since she first said she wanted to leave me. We talked and she promised me if she decided to stay, she'd NEVER leave me, cuz she didn't want to go through that pain again. We'd work at our marriage TOGETHER, do this and that. So I went away for 2 weeks and when I came back she said we'd stay together. But I just couldn't get it out of my head that she was unhappy with me and didn't love me and was only with me out of pity. It's been 9 months since we last had sex, 8 months since she broke my heart for the 2nd time and said that she didn't love me. She was leaving me. Then a few days later said "This shouldn't hurt as much as it does" and came back to me.
It's been a hard year but I tried everything in my power to make her happy. But I failed miserably.
Now it's been 4 months since she broke my heart for the 3rd time. Broke my heart, shredded it to pieces, stomped and spat on it. Brought my world crashing down around me. Just as I feared. A few simple words that brought me to my knees and my world crashing down around me.
It's been 2 months since I tried to kill myself on what would've been our 3rd year anniversary and her birthday. But I failed at that too, because I'm a failure. Those words made me not want to live. A life with her not in my mine as my wife will be gray, cloudy and miserable. I need her in my life, cuz if she's in my life, it gives me something to live for. Her smile, her laugh, the little things she does. But she doesn't want me. Not now, not ever. And my life has stopped. I'm not living. I'm walking in a daze, going day by day, unsure of days and dates. I'm an invisible person in a busy crowd on the street. No one notices me, cuz I'm not there, not really. Just a shell of a body with no beating heart, no soul and empty eyes. Just a shell walking around.
People often ask "Are you back together, yet?" and I have to say "No, we're not" to which they reply "You will be" and I want to ask, scream "How do you know? Can you read her mind?" People say "Fight for her. She's worth it. You two are good together" But how? How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me fighting for her? Who's already moved on from me? How can I fight? Why fight a losing battle? Fighting for her is like this war in Iraq and Afghanistan. It's a lost war. So I repeat, how can I fight for her? I don't believe I can. It's an impossible task to accomplish. But I shall try, just to keep me living.
But there's one thing I know for sure. I love her. I want to wake up in the morning to her beautiful face and smile. I want to go to sleep in her arms at night or when she comes home from work. Because my bed is cold and empty without her in it and beside me, holding me. I want her to be the mother to my future kids, because no one will live up to her as mother. I KNOW she'll make a great mother and I want that for my future kids.
So I end this with these few words:
I love you, Sara. Since the moment you came into my life, you made me happy. I knew you were THE ONE. Now you don't want me, nor love me. And no matter how hard I try, you have a hold of my heart and it won't let go. So I will fight. I will fight to my death for you. At least then, when my time has come, I know I fought for you and that is all I can do. I just wish I had someone fighting for me. Hopefully within time, you will see, despite everything and our differences, we're good together and we can make this work, and you will mend my broken heart and come back to me, cuz I love you and I will never stop. You may hate me or want to cut off all contact now that you've read my final words, but I only speak the truth. This heart will not and cannot love another, it only loves you and only you. Just know, no matter what, my heart is always yours and will always love you.