To Keep You Here.
Chapter One: Like always
It's going to be another night like that. It' going to be another night where I have to put up a fake smile and bit my lip until it bleeds. Maybe you'll even tie me up again or stand up and grab you knife. I hope you don't. I hope you'll be satisfied by just hitting me to a pulp.
I see it in your eyes. I read it in your movements. I smell it in your words. I hear it in the way you walk up to me.
"Kaoru" you say once more.
It's going to be the only time you call my name this name.
My heart races faster of the mindless fear, that will soon pass away as you replace it with pain. My stomach feels like you already tied it up. But it's alright, don't worry, you won't see.
You never see me. You never see the pain that you don't like.
"Hikaru" I simply answer, just like I always do.
Then you walk up to me and grab my wrist. Your nails sink into my body and your grip is so tight that I can't help but think that I might die if you hold me long like this.
But you never do. You just sink your nails deep enough, until I start bleeding. Then you look one last time in my eye before you pull me to the ground, throwing me onto the ground. The next thing is your feet hitting my ribs. I fall onto my side.
The pain.
The terrible pain, flashing through my ribs, flashing through my soul. But it's okay… because it would stop hurting soon enough. It won't last long, just long enough to make it difficult for me.
You harshly pull me up again and your hand hits my cheek. Hard. So very, very hard. So very, very slow. So very, very painful.
But I don't cry. I never cry. I just stare at the wall. I fight my tears back and let you hit my face.
You shouldn't see me crying, you shouldn't see my pain.
You push me on the bed. You stand there for a while, leaving me cold on the bed. My life is slipping away again. Just like it always does. But it's okay. It's okay, because once I survive this terrible pain it wouldn't hurt anymore. Mentally, then…
I don't care if you this night you really kill me. I don't care if this night you go too far and I won't survive. I don't care that the pain I feel isn't going to fade away, like I first thought. I don't care that I was once innocent and now compeletly screwed up. I don't care if the knife you carve into my body leaves a scar. I don't care if I can't walk tomorrow because you beat me up to badly. I don't care at all anymore. I don't about anything anymore... Only about you. And that's enough.
I feel something warm dripping off my cheek. I don't move a muscle. It's blood. My blood. You hit me too hard again. And tomorrow, when we're in the Host Club, I'll tell everyone how I fell and you saved me just in time. No one has to know. No one has to notice. It's our lie. It's the lie I started to tell, so that I could protect you.
I feel your tongue sliding over my cheek. You're licking up my blood. I don't mind. I can't even think of how disgusting that is, of how wrong this is. I can't even feel sick about it. I did once, I remember. When this first started, I felt so sick and dirty all over. But the feeling stopped after the first weeks. I just learned soon enough that if I don't think about it, it will hurt less and you will stop sooner. I don't want to blame you, I don't want to beg you to stop this. I'll let you do as you please, that's what I decided from the first time you did this and the thought I'll hang onto until the last time you do this.
My blood drips on the blanket and my eyes look at the red stain.
You like my blood. You always did. That's why you hit me until I start bleeding, that's why you like my pain. You enjoy my pain, because only then you're different from me. When my eyes die and the light behind it goes out, you are not like me. You're different because I could never find the power to protest, and I'm sure you could. You're different, because I could never ever hit you until you cry, but you can and you do.
You have the power. You are the one that hits. You are the one who can do with me whatever he wants. You, only you.
You continue to kiss me. Your teeth sink into my shoulder and I quickly bit in my bottom lip, until it bleeds. Until blood is dripping of my lip. Only then you pull your teeth out of my body, to lick my blood off my lips.
You love my blood, and I love you. I really do. Even when you hurt me until I can't feel anything anymore, even if you break my heart every night again, even if it's hurt so much… I love you.
You pull off my clothing and soon yours follow.
"Kneel" you command.
And I obey, just like I always do. Step of the bed and kneel as you hop onto the edge of it. Then my hands slip on your hips. I open my mouth and close my eyes. This happened so many times before. This was no different from the barrier I already passed. The first time is the worst, then you feel sick and disgust. The first time I wanted to jump out of a window, but now it's just a habit. Just a routine, just a thing we do. You pushed me over a line and I can't step back. But it wasn't that bad, now I got used to it. It doesn't take so much time, so it will be over soon enough.
It's better if I don't look. It's better if I don't care. After some time I noticed that how sooner I obey you, the less I get hit and the less I get hit, the faster this will be over. So I just don't look and I ban all the thoughts from my head.
It's not disgusting, it's just a habit. It's not sick, it's just what you want. As my tongue touches the places you want, I keep telling myself that. It's just what you want. It's just your way to live. It's the thing you do to forget the pain; it's the thing I do to keep you here.
Soon enough you will lift up your feet and kick me in my ribs, to tell me that I can stop. Soon enough I will drift away in this sick world, so I can't even cry about it. Soon enough this will end. I just have to bear with it a little longer. It's okay, it's really okay.
The signal came harder then I expected.
I can't help it, but I scream, as the pain flashes through my body. My mouth opens and I just scream. It doesn't last long, because I immediately lift my hand up and my teeth sink deep into it. Blood falls again, but tears still don't. I stare lifeless at your face, you're not even looking back. You don't care about the fact that wounds hurt me, but that's alright, because I still care about you. I will always care about you and I won't go against your will.
Blood drips over my fingers.
You don't need to speak. You don't need to command. I just stand up again, trying to stand tall even though my ribs hurt so much when I do. I just have to pretend like I'm still okay, because you like my blood but seeing me crawl pathetic makes you furious. I never wanted anything more then fall onto the ground and crawl around, so pathetic, so weak, and scream in pain, just scream, scream, yell, shout, scream, scream! To yell your name until the night fades and for once your eyes will fill up with dry tears that don't fall. And then you'd stop what you were doing and we could continue our live.
But that would never happen. I'll never tell you how much you hurt me. I'll never scream and cry. I'll just keep silent and obey whatever you ask me too. Because that is what you want, that is what you started, that is the way I can keep you here.
I reach my hand out for you and your tongue tastes my blood. I don't look at you, because I know the look in your eyes would kill my death heart. I know my heart that was so broken would shatter in pieces again, even more.
You killed me. You killed me from the inside, you killed my heart. You destroyed my innocence, you made the purity impure. You broke my, you hurt me. You hurt me so much.
But still… It's okay… It's all okay…
You're here, with me. You're here and I'm the only one you can use like this. That is why you need me. That is why you'll never leave me. I'm the only one who allows these things. I'm the once who bleeds, who screams on just the right moments. You'll never leave me, not as long as you have this power over me. You need me, you need my weakness. That's why I accept this the way I do. I just want you here with me, I want you to stay here with me for ever. This is the only way I can assure this, so I don't mind. After all those tears I cried because I couldn't find anything good enough to keep you here, I found it.
Pain. My pain. You'll never leave me because of that mindless pain. I finally found it, so I'm never going to complain about it.
As long as I can feel pain, you'll stay here. As long as I can bring up the power to scream, you'll never leave me. As long as I can die, you'll live. As long as I can feel, you will hurt me.
My face hits the wall hard. I know you meant it to hit the bed, but it doesn't matter. I hide my face, because I know it's going to hurt now. It never stops hurting. It just keeps being so painful, when you force yourself into me. I try to forget, I try to stop myself from screaming, but it hurts, it hurts so much.
You grab my hips and your nails sink into my body. I bit my lip and close my eyes. I try to think about everything but this. You won't see it, even if you looked me into the eyes. You made me a perfect liar, you made me the greatest pretender. I can still smile at you, I can still tell you that I love you, so you won't notice my pain, unless I know you want to know. You're a complicated being, but I figured you out.
In and out, you go. Pain, painless, pain, painless. It's the rhythm that keeps going on. It's a rhythm that keeps repeating. My head touches the wall everything you go in and my teeth bit my lip stuck. But it's still alright, because now it was going to be over soon enough.
I don't think I can get killed any longer, I don't think my heart can shatter any more, but every time you do this it still does. But I think you can mend it. I'm sure that one day you will stop doing this and will feel better without destroying me. I know that one day you can make me beautiful once again.
So for now, I'll take the pain, I'll bleed, I'll scream, I'll pretend, I'll die. For you. Only for you.
You already finished. I can feel your body resting on mine. I don't feel anything, I'm just so tired. You roll off me and command me to turn off the light. I silently obey and return to you, just like I always do. I can't run from you. I don't want to run from you. I want to stay beside you, even if you hurt me. I want to love you so that one day you can love me back.
I accept this.
I truly do. If this is what you want, it's fine with me. Because we promised that to each other. If you die, I die. If you cry, I cry. If you think, I'll think the same. We were one, and even when your tearing up apart, I'll cling unto that one last string that connects us.
The pain.
The fear of being left alone.
You're sleeping next to me now, curled up cosy in the blankets, just like we used to do. I just sit next to you and stare into the darkness. I slowly stand up and as silent as I can, I walk to the bathroom, closing our bedroom door behind me. I hope I don't wake you, because then you'll start hitting again. Then you'll start shouting again that I can't do anything right. I know and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for letting you turning out this way.
I'm sorry for not stopping you. I'm sorry for accepting this. I'm sorry for still living while you told me so many times you wanted me to die.
You're sorry for being born with me on the same day, and I'm sorry for being born at all.
I whish I could make you happy like I once did. I whish you would smile and be whole once again, even if it's kills me. I whish that I could lie in your arms, without the pain, without the fea. I just want to start again. I just want to take your hand and smile for real.
Water touches my cheek and I look into the mirror. The bruises on my cheek look pretty bad. It will be visible in the morning. The print of your teeth too. But it's okay, I'll just make up a story. I don't know what I'm going to tell, I don't know what I'll say, but I'll make sure that no one knows our secret, so you can continue doing this.
I'll keep silent, so you can keep doing this. I'll keep silent, so you can continue living this way. I'll pretend a little longer, so you can hit a little harder.
I'm too scared to put a bandage around my bleeding arm… I don't even remember when you did that. You must've smashed me a little too hard onto the bed, or maybe I hit the corner of a table. Maybe it was there longer but just started bleeding again.
Empty eyes stare at the reflection in the slightly red water. They don't find a answer, they only find sorrow.
I dry my face and take a deep breath before I turn out the light and walk back.
The floor is cold. Just like you are too. Just like you've become.
I don't know when it happened, I don't know whether I could've stopped it or not. I only know this is our life. I only know this will never stop, even when I tell myself it will.
I open the door, close it again. My eyes watch you sleep.
You, my beloved brother, who became this monster.
But when you're a monster, I'll become a monster too.
I lay next to you and close my eyes. My whole body hurts and I think of things to tell tomorrow. The costumers are no problem, they'll believe anything. But Kyouya was, with his sharp mind. He always said it was impossible that such a bruise was from falling. And he knew, since he was in the medical business. He knew everything.
Haruhi was a problem too, with her remarks that things weren't the same between me and Hikaru. Haruhi is a problem, because she doesn't believe me and she doesn't want to leave it their.
Even Honey and Mori, always tell me over and over again that I can tell them. Even Tamaki knows there's something wrong.
But I won't tell them. I'll never tell them. They don't need to know. They couldn't understand. They would never understand how much I need you, how much I love you still. They wouldn't understand that if this is what you want, you could use my body and destroy my soul.
But it's okay…
Because, after all, you're still here. Next to me.
Woah... I'm a pretty sick person right? Even more sick because... THERE IS GOING TO BE AT LEAST ANOTHER CHAPTER! Omfg, that's so screwed up. Oh well, I think many would disagree with me on this, but I can really see this happening. I'm sorry for not going into such a detail and more Kaoru's feelings. I'm only fourteen -That's even worse, ne?- and I'm not going into a great detail. Heheh, I'm sorry.
So, for those who don't really get it. Some time ago, Hikaru started with abusing his younger brother. However, Kaoru never even tried to struggle -Please let that be CLEAR- Hikaru is now beating up his twing and uhm... oh, you get the picture. I personally love the ending, and I hope I made clear in my story that even when it hurt him to death, Kaoru uses this also as a thing to assure him that Hikaru won't leave him. This has nothing to do with Haruhi in practicular, but just in general that he doesn't want to lose his twin.
Oh, before I forget -I actually did, but I'm correcting it now XD- If this has to be rated M for implying -and a little bit discribing- Hikaru raping his little brother -or for just saying 'rape' ... twice ... XD- please, please tell me! I don't want my story to be removed because of a rating! If I schocked you because of the wrong rating I AM SO TERRIBLY, AWFULLY SORRY!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR SCARRING YOU INNOCENT MIND!!!
Please do not sue me XD or tell to remove my story. Just tell me that it needs to be changed, okay? I'll love you for ever and erase your memory XD
I hope I kept writing in the Present Simple -because I ALWAYS write in the Past Simple- and I just hope I didn't switch without noticing it. If I did, please tell me.
So, tell me what you think and I hope you'll stick with me for the next chapter! Reviews are really, really appreciated -even more then fav's, however that is nice too-
Well then, I'll continue my screwed up life XD and I'll write you another full-of-angst-and-pain-and-screwed-up-things-chapter! If you have any ideas, please share them with me! -Maybe I don't have to feel so sick about myself anymore? XD-
Weeh, I'm really a baaaaaaaaaaaad person for doing this to our beloved Kao-chan!