He's so far away.
I don't know when I noticed this, but he's always looking to the sky. I feel like if I didn't hold onto him, he'd fly into the sky. Maybe that's where he's from. He's so out of this world. All he needs to do is just look at me and the butterflies come. It drives me crazy. When he talks to me, his voice is so calm and sincere. He'll listen to me, and I listen to him.
I've known him for four years. It may seem like a lot, but he still has friends who have known him since he was a child. I'm jealous. I feel strange whenever I think about the fact that there are other sides of him I've never seen. Sides of him he will never share with me. Never is a strong word, but I know it's true.
On this Valentine's Day, I walk down the streets of Twilight Town with him this afternoon. It's not a date. I wish it was though. As for now, we're just friends. We are simply going out for some coffee before meeting up with his friends to see that new action movie that came out in theaters. Normally, I don't watch action movies, but I couldn't help but say 'yes' when he asked me. Something took a hold of me.
I think it's pretty obvious I'm crushing on him. How can I not? He's amazing. I like his friendly personality, determination, and confidence. I like how he can be so reckless sometimes. I adore his spiky blond hair. His azure eyes hold me in a trance.
The moment I look away, though, he turns into someone else. This usually happens with his guy friends, like the red-haired man and the younger caramel-haired man. This side is temperamental and arrogant. He also seems more melancholic and stoic. I don't know this man anymore.
I want to know these sides that he doesn't show me. Do they like the same things the one I know does? Do they enjoy movies? Do they enjoy acoustic music?
I have tried telling him of my feelings. Three times.
I would pick up the phone, having prepared my words. But as I dial his number, my throat feels dry and my mind erases. I drop the phone and bury my face into my pillow, crying in fear. Fear of what? Rejection? Admitting that I've fallen for him? Admitting he's my weakness?
The next day, I tried again when we were alone at the mall. I told I needed to say something. However, when I tried to speak, a heavy feeling came over my chest. I felt short-of-breath. He gave me a water bottle and asked about what I wanted to say. I lied and said I wanted to go back to the store we were just at. I ran to the changing room and cried quietly. I swear he's the only one breaking me down like this.
I hate liking him. I want to tell him and get rid of these feelings. I want him to reject me already so I can cry about it for a few days and go back to normal. That's not true. I don't want to be rejected. If my heart hurts this much from liking him, what kind of pain will I feel once he breaks it?
"Namine, come on. Axel and Sora are already at the theater," he tells me.
I nod and sip my iced coffee. We walk faster toward the direction of the theater. He starts talking about the the reviews he read about the movie, but for once, I can't listen to him. I don't know if it was because all of the people around us talking at the same time or maybe it was my heartbeat drowning out his voice. I hate my heart right now. Stop beating so loud. I swear he could hear it.
My knees feel so weak. I think I'm going to fall to the floor. I'll cause a scene, and he'll be so embarrassed of me. He'll hate me and never want to see me again.
Of course he won't, Namine. Shhh...
But he will!
Damn it, I sound like a crazy person. Stop thinking so much and talk.
No, talking to myself is worse.
Idiot, talk to him.
My throat feels dry again. I desperately sip my coffee once more. I still can't find my voice. I scratch my neck, a nervous habit I've developed lately. It probably looks so red and disgusting right now.
I finally realize that he was already so far away from me. I was walking too slow. He wasn't even looking back at me. Couldn't he have checked on me? His head is tilted up to the sky.
He's always looking to the sky. Not with any look either. You can see it in his azure eyes. They seemed to have feelings of longing in them. Like he wants to fly away from Earth. I can understand that. He often tells me about how he hates his job. He always looks like he has something bottled he can't share with me. When he's with his guy friends though, he doesn't look like that anymore. His eyes show more joy, despite the fact he may be yelling at his friends for a trivial thing. He seems happy to vent his emotions out finally. He never does that with me. I can't read his eyes when he looks at me. It's always the same look he gives almost everyone else. I know I'm not that special to him.
I run toward him, trying to catch up. I call out his name. He turns around slowly, just as I reach out to him. He smiles the same smile that melts my heart, and he takes my hand into his. My heartbeat is so loud right now. I could barely make out his words as he pulls me closer.
"Hm? What is it?"
I stare into his eyes. They look different right now. They aren't the same look he usually gives me. These seem more...him. These look joyful but...there's something else mixed in. These eyes confuse me.
I pull my hand back, stuttering out a response. Should I try confessing again? My chest aches just thinking about doing that. He laughs at my stuttering. He then takes my hand again and walks with me toward the movie theater. I still can't get over the fact we're walking hand in hand.
I don't want him to reject me. I want to stay like this forever. I want to do this all the time, minus my dry throat and stuttering and all.
I want to figure out that look he gave me before I confess. I want to know what it means. Maybe I'm being overly hopeful, but I think that look meant something good.
In any case, I refuse to give up my feelings for Roxas.
A/N: I don't know what inspired this. Probably thinking about 5 cm Per Second. I wanted to write something for Valentine's Day. I just read a sad one by Handwritten, therefore, I decided to write one happy-ish. Like it? Uploaded a day early for funsies.