Disclaimer: I don't own Welcome to Night Vale or any of the characters thereof. I am not being forced to say this at gunpoint.
"A Noose Of New Device."
Or, an unlucky number of rules for dealing with Cecil and Carlos.
1, like the numbers of moons orbiting earth.
—This rule applies to interns of the NVCR station.
Do not, under any circumstances, interrupt Cecil in the midst of his poetic praise of Carlos's various characteristics.
This includes the soliloquys he launches into as soon as he switches the mic over to the weather recording.
He may rant to you for the whole time about Carlos's hair, or Kohsekh's kittens, or Janice's newest project, but you do not interrupt him.
Any injuries—physical or otherwise—that result from such an interruption are not covered under your insurance.
Side note: insurance doesn't exist for the next 39 days.
2, like the two-headed serpent hiding under my bed.
—This rule applies to Old Woman Josie.
Old Woman Josie shall no longer slip bloodstones, enchanted records, light-bulbs-touched-by-angels, live lizards, shriveled lizards, cookies, or hex bags into Carlos's pockets, bags, home, or lab.
Seriously. You may be trying to protect him from the unseen, but he is like a baby deer—easily spooked and remarkably capable of defending himself, at least by non-Night Valeian standards.
3, like a rabbit after losing one, precious foot.
—This rule applies to Dana.
No matter what you encounter in the 'out there', no matter how many times you break inside from the loneliness and the fear that you will never get home, that you will spend the rest of your desolate life circling a mountain (assuming you are, in fact, alive), you will not tell Cecil a word of it.
Not a word. None of the fear, none of the pain, none of the anguish of seeing a future self and not knowing how that will ever happen.
He's got enough on his plate, and I—you—oh whatever.
Posted by Dana.
4, like a four-leafed clover.
—This rule applies to the scientists of the science lab.
Don't touch the radio. Simply, don't.
If you do, Carlos, kind Carlos, will likely replace the hand sanitizer under the sink with a polyhydrocarboneticonversal because science, and your hands will be stained purple for the next few days, until you shed the skin or molt.
The one exception is when Carlos is gone—probably on his shift at the house that doesn't actually exist—in which case you may adjust the volume.
Except for you, Garry. You've lost radio privileges.
5, like the number of hooded figures watching over my shoulder right now.
—You do not have the security clearance for rule five.
Move along.
6, like the typical numbers of lights over Arby's.
—This rule applies to all citizens of Night Vale.
If tourists visit town, do everything in your power to keep them away from Cecil and Carlos.
Firstly, Cecil will likely scare them off, and everybody should be happy and safe in Night Vale!
Secondly, Carlos will likely interrogate them about towns outside of Night Vale, resulting in alarm ("What do you mean, 'do clocks still work'?").
Lastly, tourists are likely to break rules 7 and 8.
7, like a very common 'lucky number'.
—This rule applies to all those interested in Carlos (be it for romantic, sexual or religious purposes).
He is Cecil's, as much as any human being can belong to another without the proper blood-binding ceremony, which any one would know within ten minutes of dialing into our local radio station.
Cecil does not take kindly to others laying claim on Carlos, and the last occurrence resulted in Cecil hissing with a mouthful of fangs.
Note: We are not yet sure how he obtained those fangs. Anyone with information should call Strex Corp at 1-600-DANGER.
8, like the best month of the year (endless sunshine! Literally, the sun never ends! Sunburn and melanoma cancer for all!).
—This rules applies to all those interested in Cecil.
He is not 'on the market' and you should not attempt to flirt with, hit on, or seduce him. This includes the attempted rekindling of past relationships, speaking to you, Scout Master Harland.
The last time this was attempted, Cecil got very frustrated, and Carlos very angry. Ideas were presented that involved the snatching of the perpetrator for undefined 'science' that was apparently very important and slightly violent.
Unless you would like to be a vital part of 'science', I would suggest not attempting to flirt with Cecil, or touch Cecil.
9, like pretty flowers.
—This rule applies to all barbers and hairdressers.
Just. . .be. . .careful, guys.
10, like ten fingers.
—This rule applies to the Sheriff's secret police.
We will follow this rule with a suggestion.
The rule: watch both Carlos and Cecil closely—a level 72 security watch, at least—at all times of the day.
Carlos "The Scientist" has a high level of education—which is usually dangerous—and an inquisitive mind—which is always dangerous. While he had only needed to be re-educated twice, we suspect he may be harboring information of the illicit variety.
Cecil Palmer—the C. Palmer of seventy-two ninety Hear First Street, not the clone—has a past history of expansive thinking, free-speaking, and well-disguised defiant behavior.
When combined, the two have the chemical combination of oil and water (which we all know creates a gigantic explosion).
Now for the suggestion: we would recommend that the vast majority of surveillance be turned off at night, or during off work hours at each other's houses.
Just a hint.
11, like what rhymes with 'heaven'.
—This rule applies to Strex Corp agents.
We will not identify ourselves. We cannot offer the details of the punishment we will enact on you if you break it.
Cecil loves three things in this world to the peak of his capability to love: Cecil, Koshehk, and Janice.
You have already made it very clear that certain things will happen to Janice, should Cecil irreparably damage certain opinions.
The rule is this: if Cecil slips up, makes a mistake (we are all mostly human, right?), you will not hurt her (as if you would. We're not saying that, obviously!).
12, like an even dozen.
—This rule applies to the interns of the NVCR station and the scientists of the science lab.
If Carlos shows up appearing to be sweaty, shaky, terrified, hilariously amused, bruised, or borderline unconscious, get Cecil.
Chances are he has had the wonderful opportunity of being reeducated, and Cecil likes to celebrate with him after these events, alone and comfortable in a safe, comforting environment.
Do not attempt to relocate him to his proper place in his house or lab without Cecil.
Interrupt Cecil in whatever he is doing (unless, of course, he's in the middle of an inquiry with station management), and guide him to our valuable scientist.
13, like the cursed number of the ancient English folklore.
—This rule applies to the man behind the elusive Man In The Tan Jacket.
We don't know what you want here, what your nefarious plans include, why you spend irreplaceable days of your life lingering in our little, normal town, but we know one thing.
You will leave these two alone.
Some forces are not to be reckoned with.
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.
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