Inspired by this tumblr post (http:/ sarahexplosions (dot) tumblr (dot) com/post/19755723326/i-cant-stop-staring-at-blaines-face-and-the-way) , specifically the comment "I can't stop staring at the one in the pink dress behind him and wondering what it's like for the closeted kids at McKinley. If maybe they look up to Klaine and Brittana as much as we do."
xxx
When she goes with other girls she knows (her mom calls them her friends but she doesn't) to buy a dress, she doesn't stop in the men's section. She doesn't even look at it, but zeroes in on the brightest, frilliest pink dress she can see from the entrance. You learn selective blindness at McKinley, if nothing else. She thinks that most of the time, that blindness is the only thing that keeps all the invisibles –too low to be popular, not low enough to be chum; the silent, invisible majority– safe. It also keeps them from trying to throw themselves off a building when they realize the full extent of what will happen to them if they fall.
She buys the disgusting frilly dress even though it makes her skin crawl just to look at it. She can't stop imagining how much more sophisticated a jacket would look. She can almost feel the warm security of the tie knot at her throat. It helps her breathe enough to have the energy to squeal over how cute Susan's hideous bubble-skirt dress is.
She buys flats because gosh, you're so tall I wish I was that tall! But boys don't like having to look up, it's so silly isn't it? What does your date think? Oh, you don't have one? See, boys are just so silly, it's probably just because none of them wanted to look up. They're so stupid, aren't they? You're lucky not to have a date really, I don't even know why I said yes to Tommy, boys are just a nuisance aren't they? I'm sure a boy will want to dance with you though. You're so pretty and tall!
She smiles and giggles with the other girls when they see Kurt Hummel buying sequins at the craft store. Lauren comments that he should just use the fairy dust he spreads everywhere he goes instead, and she laughs louder than any of the other girls. She knows Kurt Hummel must hear her, because she sees the way his back gets a little straighter and his chin goes a little higher as he walks by. She doesn't think any of the other girls notice though.
She wants to tell him, can feel the words bubbling up in her throat –
You're so amazing
How do you do this everyday?
Help me do it too
I want to be you because you're so strong and I'm not
I never ever want to be anything like you because they're going to kill you one day
I'm -
She looks away as he passes them.
xxx
The Monday morning after prom, she stares into her closet for a long time.
She only has one pair of pants, how does she only have pair of pants?
(She already knows the answer. Dresses are for girls)
Her mom bought them for her after she was caught staring at them in a catalogue. They were leather with belts and studs and they were the most beautiful thing in her closet.
She's never worn them.
She's been careful not to look in any catalogues around her mom since then.
But sometimes she takes them out and strokes the leather and thinks about what if she hadn't been born like this. In this body, in this family, in this town, in this state. It's the best part of her day. So they never get thrown out.
She takes a deep breath, and remembers the way Kurt Hummel's boyfriend had swallowed, his hand shaking, as he asked Kurt Hummel to dance. She had nearly started crying right there in the gym.
They were so fucking brave.
She puts on the pants.
They don't fit.
She actually starts laughing. She laughs so hard tears come to her eyes. Isn't that just perfect? The one time she tries to be brave and she can't. It's like the universe is telling her something. Like maybe she shouldn't try and be brave. Or maybe that she really should go through her closet and throw out everything too small since her last growth spurt.
She puts on her most flowery, girly dress. It's pink and pretty and it disgusts her. For one wild second she wonders if she would like a kilt better.
Her mom's yelling at her to get in the car, but she stands there staring at her reflection for another minute. There's a girl staring back that she sees walking down the hallway everyday at McKinley a dozen times over. She thinks of the T-shirt her brother loves so much and can't stop giggling, a little hysterically.
You're completely unique. Just like everyone else.
Her mom's leaning on the car horn now, but she's still frozen.
Kurt Hummel had looked like they'd just torn out his heart and spit in his face and killed his cat all at once. He'd run away too. It's okay if she does it. Even he couldn't be strong all the time.
She walks out of her room, but stops at the stairwell down to the door, where her mom is waiting to bring her back to McKinley.
Kurt Hummel had smiled so brightly when his boyfriend twirled him around. He'd laughed.
Before she can even think about what she's doing she darts into her brother's room and steals a pair of his doc martins. They're a little too big, but she jams her feet into them and hurtles down the stars to throw herself into the car.
She's sweating during the entire ride, her heart pounding so hard she swears it's trying to rip itself out of her chest to escape before it gets torn out by all the sneers she sees thrown at Kurt Hummel every day. By the time they arrive she's already got little half moon bruises blooming on her palm from clenching them. She can't. She can't do this.
Her mom tells her to have a good day at school sweetie though, so she gets out. Her mom drives off without a backward look.
When she sits down to Algebra III, Hailey leans over and tells her that her totally awesome boots make her look totally biker chic. It's like in Seventeen, when Miley Cyrus wore a leather jacket over her dress. Totally cute.
She smiles and tells Hailey how she was totally going for that. Kurt Hummel had worn these exact same boots last month and Hailey had sneered that the queen was trying to wear boy clothes now. She'd laughed.
She spends the entire class writing a letter to Kurt Hummel, telling him how brave she thinks he is and how he makes her want to try and be brave too. She tells him things she'd never even let herself think about herself before, because she knows he would understand. She tells him about how much she loves his clothes; how much she admires, and envies, him for still coming to school dressed like that every day even when people sneer and slushy him. She tells him about the pants that didn't fit.
She fills up 3 full pages of notebook paper, front and back, telling him how much he means to her.
When class ends Hailey asks her what she was writing, and she tells her it's a letter to her grandmother. Hailey tells her it's totally lame to be writing to your grandmother, and she agrees.
She tears up the letter.
xxxx
To be clear, I have no idea what this girl is. If she's trans, or genderqueer, or a lesbian, or what. I initially wanted her to be transgender, but she ended up just kind of vaguely butch. What she is though, she can't be it at McKinley. I think that's the most important thing about her.