Gridiron Grumbles
Oh, I'm ripped. I'm absolutely ripped.
Lia, bedecked in her New England Patriots glory, including red and blue fingernails emblazoned with GO PATRIOTS, dropped her remote in abject horror. Mouth agape, she stared in utter disbelief at the television.
"No. Freaking. WAY."
She grabbed all digimon-related paraphernalia off of her dresser, stormed out of the apartment on the pretext of 'going for a walk,' and high-tailed it over to Studio Thirteen. The studio door flew open, and Willis threw a headset mike her way, clipping it to her ear as she marched down the halogen-lit corridor.
"This is so wrong. Absolutely one hundred percent wrong," she growled, sticking the battery case in her back pocket.
Shadowmon bounded around the corner with a pompom tied to her neck.
"Hi Lia! Haven't seen you around in a while! Wassup?"
The omnipotent author glared at the cat, brushing her aside and heading straight for the Digital Bowl set.
"BRADSHAW!"
Terry Bradshaw, the balding former football player, glanced up from his desk.
"Well, Ah don't believe it! Yer a cute little Digidestined, aren't you? Haven't seen you from any season, though. You play fer the Yellow Mash or last year's Crimson Quake?"
"We need to have a little…discussion about today's so-called game, Bradshaw. NOW."
Terry shrugged. "Can't. Gotta go get ready for the Super Bowl, ya know? Hope yer ready to see the Rams squash them little New Englanders…as usual."
Lia's eyes widened as the deadly power of her Fallen Angel alternate ego crackled around her dangerously.
"You diss my friends, you rig the goddamn football game, and now you mock MY HOMETOWN FOOTBALL TEAM? PREPARE TO DIE, BRADSHAW!"
Matt and Tai hurtled onto the set and tackled her before she could wield any of that screaming author doom.
"Eh-heh, girls. They're so moody, aren't they?" Tai chuckled nervously, helping drag Lia back into Studio Thirteen.
~*~
"Why didn't you let me kill him? I wanted him to DIE!" Lia hollered.
Cody shook his head. "Too early in the story. Have to complain first, right?"
"That game was so rigged! They cheated big time and as leader of Season Two I ain't gonna stand for that!" Davis growled.
"None of us will!" Mimi added, waving a metal nail file for effect.
Ken appeared in the doorway. "Cameras are rolling for the Post-Game press conference, everyone."
The pissed off teenagers got up from their respected couches, armchairs, and footstools and trooped out to the soundstage.
"We're here live with a post Digi-Bowl press conference. I'm Lia Agianna. All right guys, open mike. Go ahead and rant until you're bluer than Veemon."
"THEY CHEATED!" came the battle cry.
"They showed the stupidest episodes they could think of and rigged it so the third season would win just because they want the ratings to stay high!" Yolei blasted.
"They were just using us as a last-ditch effort not to get rid of FOX Kids!" Kari shrieked.
"WHERE WAS MY HALFTIME SHOW?"
Everybody stopped and glared at Matt.
"What?! I don't care if I was in two of the episodes! I'm the only person around here with musical talent, I got a halftime show last year, WHERE WAS I? The so-called 'halftime show' was basically a plug for that pointless GALADOR! THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY CONTRACT!"
"And while Matt, Tai, and Izzy got into the episodes, where were the rest of us? Huh? Where's the fairness in that? We're just as much of Season Two as T.K. and the rest of them!" Sora snapped.
"Save the world? Since when has Shinjuku counted as the world?" Joe quipped.
"WE DEMAND A RECOUNT!"
Nicki sat in the corner with a bag of popcorn. "Eh, who gives a damn? It's a stupid show anyways."
Izzy flew over to her and grabbed her by the collar. "I don't care what you think! We are not to be abused like that! We were not created to be solely pushed around by some lousy children's television network that's been losing money since the early nineties!"
Meanwhile, Reo and Willis were sitting in the stands.
"Well, we've got a nice little hostile takeover in the works here, don't you think?"
Willis frowned. "I don't like this, somebody's going to get hurt."
"With our luck, it'll be that godforsaken Bradshaw."
Lia reached into hammerspace and pulled out all the leftover war paint and whatnot from the giant first-season battle on the Weekly Reports.
"Which, if I ever get un-banned from the Internet, will be making a return sometime soon, hopefully…maybe…probably not," Gomamon pointed out.
"You know our motto!" T.K. cried, cocking a machine gun.
"DIGIDESTINED DON'T GET MAD, THEY GET EVEN!"
~*~
Meanwhile, in Tamer Land, the vile little punks were celebrating the fruits of their underhanded labors. They had already doused Yamaki with the water cooler and did several victory dances. Now they were lounging around with massive quantities of tailgate party snacks.
"Yeah! We beat Tai and the Digidestined! We're better than the Digidestined!" Takato whooped, dancing around the studio. Kazu and Kenta were tossing cards like confetti.
"Oh please. It's because I have good connections that we beat them," Rika sighed.
Jeri was waving her sock puppet wildly. "Well, it doesn't matter how we did it, we won, didn't we?"
Henry and his Terriermon were meditating in the corner. "Patience. Ancient wisdom say 'the quickest fox is often slowed by the hunter's steel.' One more thing…"
"MOUMANTAI!" Terriermon added.
Renamon huffed loudly. "This quick fox isn't slowing for anything."
Calumon bounced into the room, not cheering 'yay me' as was expected. In fact, the little wad of dryer lint looked concerned…serious, almost. As if that's gonna happen.
"I think the others wanna play some more, cuz they're coming this way!"
"Wha?" Takato gasped. "Guilmon!"
The goofy red lizard glanced up from the buffet table, shrugged, and went back to stuffing his face.
The Tamers quickly started stockpiling furniture in front of the door in hopes to protect themselves from the oncoming rush of maddened teenagers…plus digimon plus Cody.
Jeri squealed, hiding behind Leomon. "That won't hold! They're going to break through!"
And indeed, they did! Let's see…what do we have now? A bunch of piddling rookies matched up against oh, I don't know…A HOARD OF ULTIMATE AND MEGA LEVEL WELL-TRAINED FIGHTING MACHINES! Not to mention the maddened teenagers and Cody.
Archnemon glared at everyone from the cobwebs tangled around the rafters.
"My name is not pronounced AR-YOU-KENIMON!"
And thus began the pummeling of the Tamers.
~*~
Meanwhile, back with our 'friend' Terry Bradshaw…
"Ooh, mama, Ah knew Ah shouldn't have had that last crawdad there!"
Lia marched into the room, followed by Wizardmon who has nothing better to do, swinging the Vince Lombardi trophy.
"Hey Bradshaw, guess what? You know the Rams? Well, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO GOT SLAMMED ON SUNDAY, SO TAKE THAT!"
She started slamming the football-shaped hunk of metal down on Terry's bald, ugly head.
"This is for Ty Law's touchdown! This is for the pass Brady made for another touchdown! This is for Tebucky Jones running ninety-six yards for a touchdown only to have it called back because of that holding call! And this is for ADAM VINATERI'S FORTY-EIGHT YARD FIELDGOAL!"
Terry was certainly seeing stars, and I don't mean Kurt Warner or Marshall Faulk. Wizardmon got in a few hits with the old staff, just because he doesn't like Terry Bradshaw either. We like Howie, because he does Radio Shack commercials and he's cool, but Terry Bradshaw is the devil.
~*~
Meanwhile, things were just as bad for the Tamers. Davis and Tai, in a special teams effort, managed to ram a football down Takato's throat, making him look like he had recently swallowed Arnold…you know, as in Hey Arnold. Sora and Rika were engaged in a nasty catfight, pulling of the hair followed by punching and clawing with the nails. Ken was attempting to kick a field goal using Henry as the ball, and as usual, the two Terriermon were screaming at each other. It was a regular orgy of violence. And when you're talking orgies of violence, we all know Matt's orchestrating the whole thing, given how scary and violent Matt gets. Not a pretty sight at all. Palmon and Agumon, given that they never do much of anything anywhere, sat back on the sidelines and sighed heavily.
"Well, this was a waste of hard drive."
"Yeah, it was. But it was worth it, right? I mean, come on, Agumon! We really should have won. The Tamers are pointless, there's no bishounen at all in it, though I guess some people try and argue for Henry, and they're not even going to make it to a second season."
"Really?"
Palmon shook her leafy green head. "Nope. Toei's got a whole new lineup of kids…well, not exactly new. You've got your atypical goggle boy, your loner, your genius, your token girl, and a fat kid. Apparently they can turn into digimon with the power of their digivices."
Hawkmon flapped over. "I daresay you just spoiled the plot of season four for the kiddies."
"FOX probably won't renew Digimon after this season, so what does it matter?" Wormmon asked. "They're thinking about getting rid of FOX Kids as it is."
"Well, there go all our paychecks," Gatomon sighed.
Willis scampered into the melee, waving a clipboard frantically.
"Guys? Guys! GUYS!"
Everything stopped. Kids halted mid-pummel, digimon got cut off halfway through hollering their attacks, and the dust was allowed to settle.
"We have to get back to work, everyone! The Tamers have their own dumb things to do, and we have to finish that parody of Magic Knight Rayearth, the take on Beauty and the Beast, Lia just got a sickly brilliant idea for a Ranma ½ spoof, so we should go back to doing our own things and STOP THIS SENSELESS VIOLENCE!"
Afraid that Willis would be like his Cartoon Network counterpart Quatre and go mental, everybody obeyed the little blonde and retreated back to their own respected studios to finish off the tailgating food and complain some more.
Lia walked over to a nearby camera, which happens to be turned on at this point, and stares into the lens.
"I guess I have nothing left to say than the Digi Bowl sucked and MY PATRIOTS WON! YEAH! Ahem. This was Lia Agianna, for your Digi Bowl coverage. I hope to see you again soon with another fanfic…or six."
~*~
I'm back! And…after I get all these term papers out of the way…raring to give you the audience many lovely fanfics.
We're almost done with the Rayearth one, so be on the lookout.
And I'm serious about doing that Ranma spoof…with guess who as the lead.
Oh, I shudder to…why do you have a bucket of water?
*grins evilly* Hold still and find out.
WAAH! Lia, don't! No! I don't want to be a girl! LIA!