Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion, Gainax does.
 
 
 
 
 
The Asuka in Shinji's Mind.
 
 
 
 
Shinji Ikari opened his eyes to view his bedroom ceiling. The small stuffy room
was dark, save for several trails of soft blue moon light that splashed across
the objects in his room. Glancing over at his clock, he sighed as his skin
grew hot with annoyance. It was 4:30am and he still hadn't gotten any sleep
yet. Rolling over into a new position - not the first time this night - he
resumed his struggle with his bed, trying to keep his mind free of any thoughts
that prevented his sleep.

The angel attacks were putting a great deal of pressure on the boy. He
constantly questioned his ability to be relied upon to keep everyone safe
from these alien like creatures of unknown origins. Being a fourteen year
old boy, Shinji felt that the job would be better suited for someone older
and allot braver than himself, but for some reason he was the only one able
to pilot Unit One - the giant bio-mechanical robot that had time after time
destroyed the angels keeping Tokyo-3 safe. 

At times, Shinji wished for something simpler, a day to day routine existence
where everything was familiar. Although he had found his previous living
arangements dull and boring, he was finding himself missing his mediocre
existence more and more.. About the only constant within Shinji Ikari's
universe was the ever present smell. As a result of being immersed in LCL for
long periods of time, the sickly scent that was reminiscent of blood had
embedded itself within his nose.

From a boring and lonely existence amongst foster parents throughout most of his
life, Shinji was thrown into the cockpit and put in front of an enormous beast
that was bent on destroying everything in its path. Shinji began to feel the
heat build up inside him. Feelings of self pity were welling up, causing him
to feel angry at everyone for putting him here. Yet, he also felt comforted
from the thoughts that he wasn't able to do anything about his predicament; it
was in other peoples hands, they should be helping him and feeling sorry for
him. The only problem was, when he got this pity, it felt wrong, but he
couldn't fathom why.

His mother had disappeared at an early age leaving him alone with a father 
that was driven mad with her disappearance and tossed him aside to pursue his 
own goals. Gendo Ikari's goals didn't involve Shinji, but ironically, they now
totally depend upon him. He grinned a twisted smile at this thought.

Realizing his thoughts had gotten the better of him again, he let out a groan
and got out of bed. Stumbling to the bathroom, he stepped inside and flicked
the light switch on causing his eyes to slam shut as he grimaced in pain. The
sound of running water relaxed his nerves a little as he cupped some water with
his hands. Splashing the water on his face and rubbing it across his skin, he
instantly relaxed a little, taking in a long slow breath through his nose. He
slowly opened his eyes to a squint as he looked at himself in the mirror. 
Frowning, he stared at the reflection that attested to the many sleepless
nights. His eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, the bags underneath were dark
grey and puffy. Filling a cup up with water, he continued to study his
reflection, noting his skin tone had become quite pale and the flesh on his
cheeks was starting to thin out. Taking a few mouthful's of water, he ran his
fingers through his hair as he tried to remember the last time he had a decent
nights sleep. The last few weeks had steadily grown more intense with more
homework being issued, and the Evangelion tests becoming more and more
strenuous. Shinji had been skipping school allot lately, which only added to
his stress as he could never shake of the guilt of leaving unfinished work.

Turning the light off, he had to once again adjust his eyes as he felt his
way through the darkness back to his room. Stepping through his door, he
stubbed his toe roughly against his cello. Shinji fell to the ground with a
yelp as he clutched at his foot. His eyes were closed so tightly he began
to see red patterns appear on the backs of his eyelids. As the pain
dissipated, his breathing slowed back to normal. Giving his foot one last
sympathetic rub, he dragged himself into his bed, grunting as he noted what
wonderful luck he had. The boy twitched every few minutes as pain would shoot
through his toe briefly. Eventually, he closed his eyes.

"Wake up idiot!"
 
As Shinji opened his eyes, he was surprised by the fact that it had become so
light in his room. Slipping slowly into reality, he felt the disappointment
enter his mind as he realized it was morning, and he wasn't getting any more 
sleep.

Glancing over at the girl standing in the doorway, he almost felt encouraged
to get up for the day just at the sight alone. The rambunctious red headed 
German girl was certainly a unique experience in his life. He remembered
meeting her on a boat on its way from Germany. Faint memories of an angel
fight involving a single Evangelion unit with the two of them at the controls
entered his mind. A small smile crossed his face as he remembered how 
comfortable he had felt while she had been there in the entry plug with him.

"What time is it?"
 
"Its time for you to get out of bed and make breakfast."
 
It was only then that he noticed the beeping of his alarm. It seemed very
strange that he had not noticed it before and he started to wonder how long
it had been ringing. As Shinji stared at the clock for a little longer, his
eyes unfocused as his mind began to wander. A grunt from the girl returned
his attention to reality. Reaching out, he shut the alarm off.
 
"Seven?" Shinji groaned as his head slumped down. "I'm tired, just let me get
a little more sleep Asuka." Shinji tried to bury his chin into the pillow,
hoping it would swallow his head.
 
"No way, Misato says we gotta go in to take some sync tests. You have to go."
 
"What? Ok, fine."
 
Shinji sat up and swung his legs around, dangling them over the edge of his
bed. He rubbed his eyes slowly, taking a few moments to rest before attempting
the walk out of his room. Heaving himself off the bed with a sigh, he slowly
lumbered towards the door, brushing past Asuka who smacked him across the back
of the head.

"Ow. What did you do that for?" he groaned while rubbing the spot where she hit
him. 
 
"That's for coming so close to me you pervert. I know what you were trying to
do." He could feel her critical gaze upon him. "You shouldn't think about
girls like that."
 
"What? I'm too tired to be thinking about girls." he was still rubbing his head,
trying to look very hurt.
 
"Listen, boys are always thinking perverted things about girls. It's in their
nature. You're a boy, so you're thinking about girls. Simple."
 
"Sorry."

Shinji rolled his eyes and continued on to the kitchen, preparing to make 
breakfast.
 
Misato Katsuragi, the other roommate in the household, was currently stirring
in her bed. The 29 year old woman threw her covers aside as she slowly sat up
and glared at the floor as if it were responsible for her interrupted dream. 
Standing up, she strolled across to her wardrobe and stared at herself in the
mirror. It always brought a frown to her face to see the scar that ran from 
her abdomen to her chest, narrowly missing her breasts. She lamented over
having such a perfect body tainted by the old wound. Sighing dejectedly, she
threw on a loose fitting yellow t-shirt and some tight fitting denim shorts. As
her senses finally kicked in, she noticed the sound coming from the kitchen. 

She walked slowly out of the room to be greeted by the smells of cooking food.
Yawning loudly, Misato opened the fridge while scratching her ribs. Repeating
an action that had almost become instinct, she reached in, pulled out a beer
and placed the can to her lips.
 
"Morning Misato" Shinji greeted the woman in a monotone voice as he watched her
drink the entire can without pause.
 
"Yeahhhhh!" Much to the displeasure of Shinji, the woman let out an enormous
belch. "That's the stuff. Morning Shinji"

Shinji noticed that Asuka was very unimpressed by her actions and seemed to want
to comment. Much to the surprise of Shinji, the girl remained quiet.

Once breakfast was finished, Asuka left the table without a word and rushed off
to the bathroom, almost glad to escape the presence of her superior officer.
 
"Hey Shinji, you look pretty tired. Something up?"
 
The words took a while to sink into the thick fog around his mind, the result
of little sleep. Slowly, he raised his head to meet her gaze.

"No, I'm ok. I just had trouble sleeping."
 
"Well, don't forget about the tests today. You want a coffee?"
 
"No thanks."
 
Finishing off the rest of her soup, she slowly stood up and gave him a playful
wink.
 
"Well, you should. Can't have you falling asleep during the tests." Shinji
watched the woman walk into her room, and sighed as she slid her door shut.
 
"What a hippy, isn't she going to take a shower?"
 
Shinji's skin tingled as Asuka spoke. Glancing over, he saw her standing by the
bathroom door with nothing but a towel wrapped around her torso, barely
covering her breasts. He couldn't help but stare, mesmerized while she dried
her hair with another towel.
 
Raising a hand up and pointing at him, she yelled "Mein Gott, you see? I told
you, you're no different from the rest. Get your eyes off me you dirty
pervert."
 
Shinji muttered an apology before quickly dropped his gaze down to the table.
He promptly disposed of the Asuka's in his mind.
 
"I'm going to my room to get changed." Huffing, she left the room.
 
Shinji pinched the bridge of his nose, spreading his fingers out to gently
massage his eyes in an attempt to relieve some of the tension and the heavy
feelings of fatigue. His mind was so weary that even the dirty plates on the
table managed to capture his attention. For several moments, he sat and
watched before getting up and clearing the table.

Despite the anti-Shinji attitude that was projected his way every waking
moment, he could not help but fall in love with the red haired girl. Her
presence was something he treasured, the mere thought of the girl chased away
the thoughts that everything was hopeless. With her around, it gave him
something to work for.

 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
The next day at school, Shinji was sitting at his desk, not paying an ounce of
attention to the lecture. It didn't help that he was asleep. However, due to
the teacher's limited vision, Shinji's state of consciousness went totally
unnoticed to the old man.
 
Shinji was suddenly pulled from his daydream by a loud noise. Looking around
the class room, he felt a little confused that that no one else seemed
disturbed. He glanced at Asuka's desk over his shoulder, feeling certain she
had been responsible. Currently typing out something on her laptop, she was
not paying him any attention. Feeling somewhat guilty for accusing her
initially, he looked back around the class. Finally, he noticed a beeping
sound on his laptop. Glancing down, he tapped a few keys to open the new
message that had arrived.

 from: asuka_ls@a2-ws15
 subject: WAKE UP STUPID. >:P
 
 hey dork, try and stay awake, k?
 ur drooling on the desk, it looks so funny! lol.
 probably dreaming about me again I bet. well, stop
 it. perverted idiot.

 Asuka

Smiling at the message and wiping the drool away from the corner of his mouth, 
he returned his gaze to the teacher. It didn't take long for his eyelids to
gain weight to the point of being unbearably heavy.
 
Suddenly, he became aware that his head was nodding towards the desk. Startled,
he quickly jerked back; the sudden shock and quick movements causing a release 
of adrenaline. The effects were short lived however as fatigue set back in, 
causing his head to nod again. This cycle repeated several times until he gave 
up and placed his head down onto the desk.
 
Shinji almost fell out of his chair as he was startled from sleep by a loud
noise. It almost sounded like someone shouting, but was too muffled and
distorted to identify. His eyes sluggishly surveyed the classroom as the
world slowly trickled back into focus. Finally realizing it was the lunch
bell that had woken him, he prepared to unpack his lunch.
 
"Stand up. Dismissed."
 
Shinji watched the class representative as she gave out the orders to the
class. The freckled girl with pig tails was deceptively confident. On initial
examination, one would mistake her for a quiet, shy girl. But watching her take
control of the class room, or the `three stooges' - of which he himself was a 
reluctant member - you would find a loud bossy girl, yet always level headed
and responsible. In some ways, Hikari reminded Shinji of Asuka and he figured
that to be the reason why the German girl enjoyed her company.
 
"Alright! Lunchtime!" Touji Suzahara exclaimed as he clapped his hands together
with joy. 

This particular member of the Stooge trio was eagerly unpacking his buffet size
lunch onto his desk. It never failed to amaze his schoolmates how the boy 
could remain in such good shape with the sheer amount of food he consumed
daily. 

Upon meeting Shinji Ikari for the first time, Touji had been furious with him.
Shinji was unintentionally responsible for the hospitalization of the boy's
sister, so he bore the full brunt of his anger. The fight hadn't lasted long,
as Shinji had put up no struggle. Later however, Touji felt terrible when he
finally accepted that it wasn't Shinji's fault.
 
Asuka walked over to Hikari's desk and spoke to her briefly before leaving the
room. Shinji watched the red head leave before unpacking his own lunch.
Slowly, he became aware of someone standing at his desk. Lifting his head,
Shinji's gaze was met by a pair of thick glasses belonging to the final member
of the Stooge clan. Kensuke Aide, a boy who was obsessed with everything
technological and anything that blew anything else up, was far from the
stereotypical geek. He enjoyed the outdoors, taking many an opportunity to go
camping out in the wilderness. The ash blonde haired boy was also quite
compassionate to others, attested by the fact that he was responsible for
bringing Touji and Shinji together to become good friends. He had also once
helped Shinji overcome a bout of depression upon meeting him at one of his
favorite camping grounds.

"So Shinji, you're looking pretty tired there. Not often I see you sleeping
during class. The woman of the house working you out huh?" Kensuke grinned
as he adjusted his glasses.
 
Shinji defended himself frantically "What? No!". He watched the classroom
door as Asuka re-entered the room, giving him a menacing glare as she strolled
over to Hikari.
 
Taking a seat in front of Shinji's desk, Kensuke pulled out his lunch and began
unwrapping it.
 
"Just had some trouble sleeping lately, that's all." Shinji yawned before
taking another mouthful of food.
 
"Mpphh armphrssshht, phhflmph asmpphh."
 
The two turned to face Touji who paid them no attention, but continued his
attempt at communcating through the plug of food he had wedged into his own
mouth. Occasionally, he sprayed his desk with small chunks of unidentifiable
matter in the process.
 
"Umm, ok Touji."
 
Shinji turned his head and found his gaze pulled to the blue haired girl 
sitting at the back of the class room. Rei Ayanami, one of the other Evangelion
pilots, was another of the girls in Shinji's life. He had been accused of
having a crush on Rei by many people, as he was frequently caught staring at
her. Shinji would admit the girl was very attractive, but it wasn't her
looks that intrigued him. Something about her seemed familiar. Just the sight
of her brought about feelings of comfort. Out of everyone in the class, 
Shinji had been the only one able to get any form of conversation out of the 
girl, for reasons even he wasn't sure of. Shinji's gaze rested on her a 
little too long as he was suddenly startled by Asuka.
 
"Stupid pervert! Stop starting at Wondergirl!" she hissed from behind him.

"Sorry!" he quickly hunched over his desk and lowered his head.
 
She rolled her eyes as she walked away and sat down near Hikari. Kensuke 
watched this exchange and shook his head.
 
"You're a strange guy Ikari. I don't know what to make of you sometimes."
 
"What do you mean?" Shinji replied as he absently took another bite of food. 
 
Kensuke gave him a sly grin. "You know what I'm talking about. And another
thing, how is it that you can talk to all these beautiful girls so easily, yet
when you came here you were virtually silent! I mean, on one hand you have Rei.
No one talks to her, she doesn't give anyone the time of day! But I've seen you
two. Although, I've gotta admit, some of the conversations have been a little 
bit." He paused a second and turned his gaze away from Shinji. "A bit, 
weird."
 
Shinji shrugged and continued chewing slowly.
 
"And her." Kensuke pointed over to where Asuka and Hikari were sitting.
Shinji became nervous as he saw Asuka glare back at Kensuke. "How do you just
become friends with her so easily. She can be so bossy." Glancing over at
the girl, Kensuke adjusted his glasses. "I'll admit, she's hot, but come on."
Touji choked on his food at this comment, but quickly resumed eating.
"What do you two even talk about?"

"What? Oh, nothing much really. I don't really have a choice with her."

Kensuke blinked, then raised an eyebrow as he studied Shinji who was still
staring straight ahead vacantly. Shrugging to himself, he resumed eating his
own lunch. 

Shinji turned his attention to Asuka and Hikari who were still busy eating
their lunches. Neither of the two were speaking to each other at the moment
which struck Shinji as being odd. He knew that when ever the two girls were
together outside of class time, moments of silence were rare. After finishing
his lunch, he placed his head back on his desk and closed his eyes.


--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Opening his eyes, Shinji felt a little queasy as he found himself once again 
in a hospital room. 

Although it had been a victory, the last angel attack hadn't gone too well for
Shinji. He knew he was overstepping his abilities when he had taken the
mission into his own hands. His source of confidence was a direct result from
his latest high synch scores along with Asuka's influence. Her constant
tormenting and berating created fluctuations in his moods, and his perceived
self worth. At times, he would feel like the lowest form of life on earth,
but other times her words would inspire him into thinking otherwise and wanting
nothing more than to prove her wrong.

The events from the previous battle were still very hazy in his memory. The
constant lack of sleep, and the stress had riddled his mind with holes. He
remembered shooting at the angel and being pulled into a big black viscous
mass on the ground. The memory of a swirling feeling surfaced, causing him to
clench his teeth as he remembered the nauseating feeling. At the time, his
head had been swimming as he felt himself falling into an endless darkness,
bereft of warmth and light. Then there was nothing, except for the ever
present smell.

"You can rest today. We will take care of everything"
 
Startled, Shinji looked over to see Rei sitting by his bed. After a few
moments of watching him, she got up out of her chair and prepared to leave.
Shinji began to wonder how long she had been there and how long he had been
asleep. 
 
Absently scratching at the bandages on his right arm, he replied "But. I'm,
feeling just fine now."
 
After she placed some papers on his bedside table, she paused. Turning her
head towards him and smiling faintly, she spoke quietly. "Well, that's good 
for you"
 
He gasped as the words filled him with an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. As
memories stirred, he noticed the smell of LCL grow stronger. Grasping 
desperately in the darkness of his mind for a trace of a memory, he was
only disappointed to find nothing. The words had comforted him, but he had
no idea why.
 
As Rei opened the door, he spotted Asuka as she almost fell over through the
open door. It was obvious she had been eavesdropping, which confused him a
little. Asuka huffed loudly and angrily as she quickly retreated out of sight.
Shinji began giggling to himself, drawing a curious gaze from Rei who stopped
walking. After he had stopped giggling, Rei quietly left the room without
another word.
 
Asuka stormed into the room and glared at him murderously, shouting "What the 
hell do you think is so funny!"
 
Fearing for his life, he dropped the smile from his face instantly.
 
"What? I. Sorry."
 
"Hmpph. Don't think I came to check on you, moron. I could care less about what
happens to you." Her demeanour changed from superior to menacing. "You thought
you could handle running that mission on your own, and you failed miserably.
The angel might be dead, but that wasn't your doing. You're just lucky Unit 1
went berserk and broke out of the angel on its own. Idiot."
 
Flicking his forehead with her finger, she stomped loudly out of the room. 
Shinji sighed heavily and dropped back down onto his pillow. Closing his eyes, 
he tried to go back to sleep, unsuccessfully as images of Asuka danced through 
his mind once again.
 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Flipping through the channels on the television, Shinji sighed to himself as he
remembered he still hadn't finished his homework. 
 
"What's the matter idiot, still got homework to do?" Asuka was lying on the 
floor, casually flipping through a magazine. 

He regarded her indifferently and continued searching for anything on the
television that would aid his procrastination. Failing, he dropped the remote 
control onto the couch and dragged himself over to the table.
 
"You know, you can ask for my help."
 
"What?" Shinji stared at the back of the girls head, absently following the
trail of hair down her back.
 
"Don't you dare look any lower, or I will kill you."
 
"S-Sorry. I mean, I wasn't going. I didn't look-" Shinji quickly stopped 
speaking and shielded his face as Asuka threw her magazine at him.
 
"Oh shut up. Now, what are you working on?"
 
She slid across the carpet and came to rest next to him. Shinji couldn't help
but feel a little nervous at the girl's proximity. He fought off the urges to
turn his head and look at her face, instead he pointed at his laptop's screen. 

"Just some math problems."
 
"Math? We're on the easy stuff at the moment in class, and you're stuck on that?
What are you, stupid? Let me see that!"
 
Shinji tensed as the girl shoved her way towards the laptop. Her arm was
resting across the top of his and various parts of her body were in contact
with his leg. His blush could have lit the room.

"There, that question is done. Just take what I did there, and apply it to the
rest. Don't say I never did anything for you, third child"
 
He was unable to respond as the majority of his blood was now powering his
blush and being used in other areas, leaving his brain without a source of
energy. He just nodded dumbly.
 
"Hmmphh. Pervert." Asuka pushed him over as she picked up her magazine and 
resumed her position on the floor.

After several moments of silence, Asuka chose to break it with her usual
finesse, or lack thereof. "So, where's Misato?"
 
"Huh? She's gone out with Kaji remember."
 
"Oh right. Can't believe she would go out with him. It's disgusting the way
those two carry on."
 
The silence descended upon them once again. Shinji tried unsuccessfully to
resume his homework. The memories of the recent contact were still clear in his
mind and he couldn't shake them free. He sighed to himself and closed his
laptop, deciding his roommate to be accurate in her descriptions of his
debauched nature.

To the casual observer, Shinji and Asuka never got along. She was always
harassing him, yelling at him and demeaning him in front of people. He
submitted to her every time, rarely retaliating. His only retort to her
attacks had ever been a quick apology. He felt so unworthy every time she
spoke to him. Every time she yelled at him he knew he had done something wrong.
Her berating always presented his own faults with such clarity, he could never
deny the truth. 

Asuka did have an appreciation for the boy however. She wanted to see him 
become stronger, to stand up for himself. She would never let him know she 
cared, but Asuka had a funny attachment to the boy. If anyone dared to 
belittle or pressure him too much, she would come to his defense. Of course, 
no one was clever enough, including Shinji, to see through her layers of 
deceptive hatred she unloaded upon the boy to keep everyone's suspicions at bay.
 
Shinji treated all of Asuka's virtues as something precious, like fragments
of his own soul that had been chipped away by a troublesome past. He
desperately wanted them back.

Before him, she was the hope that he could possibly become someone stronger,
he hoped she could compliment him. Even if it meant weathering her violent
storms, he wanted to stay by her. He hoped that one day he would be able to
tell her exactly how much she meant to him, and he hoped she would accept him.
But it was always the same, no matter what he would do, it was never enough.
He always felt so inadequate in her presence.
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
"Hey Shinji. You wanna kiss me?"
 
Shinji's eyes snapped wide open as he heard the words, breaking his 
concentration from his homework. His heart was suddenly faced with a conflict
of emotions, torn between terror and hope. He could hardly hide his excitement
as he ripped the ear plugs out of his ears. He regarded the girl nervously.
 
"Huh. What?"
 
"You know. Kissing. Have you ever done it?"
 
Nodding shyly, he replied "Uh huh"
 
"So, lets do it."
 
He blushed profusely as he thought about what was to come. His body trembled
and sweat formed in his palms as the fear permeated his body.
 
"But. Why?"
 
"I've got nothing better to do"
 
"That's your reason? You're weird."
 
Her face contorted into a sly grin, her eyes narrowed and she leaned back
against her chair, giving him a seductive look. The blush on his face increased
dramatically.
 
"Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your mother's death? Is she
watching you from up in heaven?"
 
Shinji felt a little hurt at the tactless way the girl had referred to his
deceased parent. "That's not it."
 
"Or are you scared?"
 
Standing up quickly, he replied with enthusiasm. "I'm not afraid. Pucker up!"
 
"Right! Did you brush your teeth?"
 
"Yeh"
 
"Then here I come."
 
His heart rate increased and time seemed to slow down as he watched her get
out of her chair and walk slowly towards him. Seconds felt like hours as she 
stood in front of him, tantalizingly close. He wanted to push forward and 
start the kiss, but he was too terrified to move.
 
"Stop breathing, it's tickling me"
 
Gripping his nose, she plunged into the kiss. As lips came into contact, 
Shinji was confused at first, but then marveled at how warm and soft the 
feeling of her lips were.

The kiss was awkward, neither of them really knowing what to do. Lips were
simply pressed together. The girl started to experiment as she sucked a 
little on his lips. Shinji followed her lead and did the same. He was enjoying
himself, but the kiss was quickly becoming painful as his airways were still
blocked by the girl.
 
Suddenly, he pulled back, gasping for air. Shinji watched the girl flee from
the room and listened as she gargled loudly in the bathroom.
 
"Paaah! I should never kiss to kill time!"
 
Shinji's gloomy attitude instantly resumed. His downcast expression fully
attested to his feelings of betrayal by Asuka. He had enjoyed the kiss
and was certain that this was the beginning to something good between the two.
 
Holding back the tears, he ran to his bedroom and slammed the door shut. 
Dropping onto his bed, he buried his face into his pillow and began cursing to
himself.

Once the anger diminished, he could feel the wet spots on his pillow from the
tears. Although he couldn't deny his dissapointment and failure, she was
still there in his mind, appearing as the beautiful pillar of strength that he
desperately wanted to support him.

 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Shinji looked up towards the pool yard, surreptitiously trying spot his
roommate.
 
"Hey Shinji, who are you staring at so intently?"
 
Touji and Kensuke were currently eyeing the boy suspiciously. They had both
been watching the girls too, with less stealth.
 
"He's ogling Rei again!" Kensuke shouted happily with a malicious grin.
 
"What!? N-No I'm not!" Shinji replied, turning red and staring at his feet.
 
Even though Shinji hadn't been staring at Rei, he still felt a little guilty
at the thought of Asuka suspecting him.

This was not the first time such an accusation had been thrown at him by his 
friends, so he quickly just shrugged it off and gave up trying to spot the red
head.

"Better not have been looking at Hikari again." Touji hadn't really meant that
to come out. His face instantly blushed as he realized his mistake and quickly
raised a fist to cease any efforts of taunting by Kensuke.

Shinji was confused at this suggestion and just ignored it as he continued
watching the game.
 
"Pervert!" He heard Asuka call out from a distance.

A large crack was heard as an object struck Shinji in the back of the head.
Grasping at the rear of his skull as he turned around, Shinji saw a trace of 
red hair vanish around the corner of a building.
 
Kensuke and Touji had watched with shocked faces as the grinning boy
disappeared around the building.
 
"Touji, did he just do what I think he did?"
 
"That guy is losing it man. I'm going to check it out" Touji immediately
stood and began walking after Shinji.
 
Kensuke followed. "I'm coming with you."
 
Rounding the corner, they found Shinji slumped against a wall, cowering on the
ground. Approaching slowly, they could hear him muttering.
 
"Sorry. Sorry. Sorry Asuka."
 
Asuka swore and ran away as the boys approached. Looking up, Shinji greeted
the pair with a nervous grin. Standing up slowly and neatening his shirt, 
he started walking back towards the basketball courts, not meeting their gazes.
Shinji flinched as Touji stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder.
 
"Umm, Shinji? Are you ok?" Touji asked.
 
"Yeh, I'm fine I was just. I'm ok. We better get back to the game."
 
Shinji tried to walk away again, but was stopped as Touji increased his grip.
 
"Shinji, you look like shit. Who were you talking to around here? And what 
was all that about... before with the rock an-"
 
"I said I'm fine, thanks though."
 
"Look you idiots, just leave him alone and get out of here!"
 
Shinji panicked as he heard Asuka yell at the pair, using her most menacing 
tone.
 
"Well?! Get lost, you stupid perverts!"

Touji and Kensuke didn't register Asuka's verbal abuse, causing Shinji to 
worry. He hated conflicts and tried to avoid them at all costs. He knew Asuka
was furious at the pair for ignoring her, so he quickly tried to remedy the
situation before it became violent.

"Guys, really I'm ok. I'll be back in a few minutes." Facing Asuka, he
whispered. "Come on, you don't have to yell at them."

Asuka's face went red. Clenching her fists tightly, she gave Shinji another of
her deadly glares. Hissing through her teeth, she grabbed Shinji by the shirt
collar and started poking his chest roughly with her finger.

"You are such a spineless idiot! You afraid of facing up to someone for once?
Afraid of a little argument!? Are you going to let people walk all over you
all the time?" Shoving him hard, she smirked as Shinji fell to the ground. "I
don't know why I bother even speaking with you some times. Idiot!"

Shinji watched the girl turn her back to him in a display of disappointment.
As she began to walk away, he felt a small tinge of panic at the thought of
her giving up on him and leaving. His desperation to prove her wrong suddenly
bloomed into a fit of panicked anger as he turned his attention to Touji
and Kensuke.

"Guys, just... Just leave, ok!?"

Asuka stopped to listen, but didn't turn around. Shinji smiled to himself
at his apparent success. Meanwhile, Touji and Kensuke were backing away
slowly, watching Shinji nervously.

Glancing quickly at Asuka, then back at the pair, Shinji's smile widened a 
little, causing the retreating boys to stop in panic.

Feeling more confident, he shouted at them with more ferocity. "Just get out of
here!"

Touji and Kensuke left quickly and quietly, staring at Shinji and throwing each
other nervous glances on their way. Briefly, Shinji felt guilty over shouting
at his friends, but it quickly disappeared as he thought of the impression he
must have left on Asuka. Once they were out of sight, Asuka smiled to herself,
but quickly clearing it off her face as she spun around to glare at Shinji.

Taking a few moments to compose herself, she folded her arms and glared at 
Shinji. "I told you before, I don't want people to see us together. You do 
not tell people we live together, you don't even talk about me to others ok? I
sure as hell don't want people getting the wrong idea about us. They'll all 
think we're together or something perverted like that."
 
Rolling her eyes, she stormed off towards the pool. Shinji watched her leave,
receiving a few impure thoughts as he examined how well Asuka's bathing suit 
accentuated her figure. He immediately regretted his actions as she glared at
him over her shoulder and raised her middle finger, mouthing the word "Pervert".
 
As he approached the basketball court, Shinji noticed Touji and Kensuke
regarded him nervously and gave him ample space on the bench. He sat calmly
between them.
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Asuka was sitting on a patch of concrete watching the NERV retrieval crew's
efforts. Utter failure and disappointment were the only things she could
think about as she watched the giant mecha being slowly lowered down into one
of many retrieval shafts.

She pulled her knees in tighter as she sensed someone standing behind her.
 
"I'm. I'm glad you're ok Asuka"
 
"Who in the hell is ok!? That bitch Rei saved me. That little bitch, I hate
her!!. I hate you Shinji!. I hate everyone!"
 
Shinji stood watching the girl tremble with rage. Despite her rejection of him
after the kiss and despite her hateful words, his infatuation with her hadn't
diminished one bit. But, he still couldn't find the strength to go and help
her.
 
He felt just as helpless now as he did during the fight. He couldn't do a
thing during the angel attack which sat in a poition high above Tokyo-3.
Shinji had been locked away, forbidden from aiding her in the battle.
Conventional weapons were useless; the angel was just too far away and it's AT
field was too strong. Thankfully, before the angel could finish defiling the
girls mind, Rei had used the Lance of Longinus to destroy it. The angel had
vanished as soon as the lance had come into contact with it, cutting off the
psychic attack on Asuka.
 
Shinji hung his head in shame and walked dejectedly away from the girl. There 
was nothing he could do for her now. He knew anything he said would only anger 
her further. The memories of her screams for help whirled around in his mind,
images of her curled up on the pilot chair inside the entry plug assaulted him.
Watching as she once again lashed out, smashing at the arm rests on the 
chair, kicking the controls and pulling at her hair. As she was worn down, the
distraught girl finally curled up into a ball, too fatigued to struggle any
further. The angel had almost shown her the full picture of what and who
she was. Every second of this forced discovery was sheer agony. He knew she
would never be the same after this.
 
Shinji wiped a tear away from his eye and entered an elevator, destined for NERV
headquarters. A shower and a change of clothes would help him concentrate, he
decided. He had to find a way to help Asuka, knowing he would feel no end of
pain if he didn't.


--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
Shinji lay on his bed worrying about his roommate. She hadn't come back from
Hikari's house for several days now since the angel attack. He was tempted to
ring the girl, just to hear her voice. But he knew she would probably try to
kill him. He couldn't talk to Misato at the moment. She was upset with him for
some reason. There was a nagging feeling that he had done something wrong and
upset his guardian, but he had no clue as to what it might have been. Even Rei
and Kensuke were avoiding him. He certainly couldn't visit Touji in hospital,
he knew he was responsible for that. Feeling desperate, he needed someone to
talk to.
 
"Please come back Asuka. I need you."
 
His room responded with continued silence. Choking back some more tears, he
went to place his earphones into his ears, but couldn't find his S-DAT player.
After probing the usual places he left the small device, Shinji got out of bed
and flipped on his light switch, gasping as he spotted what he was looking for.
Or at least, what was left of it. Pieces of plastic and electronic components
littered the corner of his room. Glancing around, he choked in surprise at the
damaged state of his room. His cello strings had been cut, there was a gaping
hole in his wardrobe, his school bag had been torn open and paper littered his
floor.
 
"What's going on here?" he whispered to himself.
 
Fear gripped him as he continued to survey his shattered room. Shinji's mind
worked hard to try and remember what it had looked like when he came in this
evening. His continued sleep deprivation had made it difficult to keep on a
regular train of thought, he couldn't remember a thing about the day. 
 
"Perhaps. Asuka?"
 
Shrugging that thought off, he began to tidy his room. He knew it couldn't
have been Asuka. She was at Hikari's and hadn't been home in several days. 
Resisting the urge to wake Misato up, he continued cleaning.
 
Once his room was back to its original state, Shinji once again hopped into bed
and resumed his never ending struggle with sleep. This time however, there were
no images of Asuka in his mind.
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------

 
Shinji opened his eyes to view a blue, cloudy sky. His head was aching and
throbbing as he tried to move his eyes to take in the rest of his surroundings.
The demolished room he examined didn't seem to worry him at all. The crumbling
walls and gaping hole in the roof did not seem out of place to the boy who
simply regarded his surroundings with a tired indifference.

As he began moving, the a chill passed through his legs and back, which he 
hadn't noticed were soaking wet up until now. Slowly turning his head,
ignoring the creaks in his neck, he discovered he was lying in an old bathtub
with a shallow pool of muddy brown water. Slowly, memories were forming as
images on a swirling cloudy pool in his mind.

The angel attack had gone badly. Asuka had briefly shown up again to 
pilot, but she wasn't herself. It was like looking at a cardboard cutout 
of someone, as Shinji watched her sit motionlessly, looking down at 
her feet in the entry plug. Her presence felt forced. She looked terribly
depressed; she wasn't speaking, barely blinking or even breathing. When it
came time to pilot, she had shut herself off from the outside, disconnected
herself from everything, walled herself up and barricaded herself against all
forms of communication. Of course, this severed her synch with the evangelion
leaving the rest of the fight up to Shinji. Feeling a twinge of panic, he ran
out of the launch bay and raised his AT field, preparing to do battle with the
angel. As he did, the angel, which had one end of its tubular body firmly
attached to Rei's Evangelion, shot its other end out at him, narrowly missing
his unit but taking out the rifle instead. Noting further fighting to be
futile, Rei contained the angel within her own AT field, and self destructed.
 
Part of Shinji was shattered as he watched one of his friends take their own
lives. Feelings of sadness, panic, anxiety and helplessness all overwhelmed
him. Evangelion Unit 1 had to be manually retrieved as he was too distraught
to function anymore as a pilot. Not long after, Misato had come to Shinji with
the news, that Rei was still alive. But, the Rei he spoke to knew nothing of
previous events. She barely recognized him at all. Figuring it must have been
some kind of amnesia from the huge explosion that wiped out Tokyo-3 - something
else that he was still coming to terms with - he didn't take any further
notice.

"Are you Shinji Ikari?" He heard a gruff voice call out to him.

Aware that there was someone in the room with him, he tried to respond. Before
he managed to articulate anything, he felt adrenaline shoot through his body as
he panicked. A strong feeling overtook his rational thoughts, a feeling that
he shouldn't be here. It felt wrong.

Before the man in the black suit could react, Shinji had sprung out of the 
bathtub and ran off through a hole in the wall, ignoring all pains and aches in 
his body that were screaming at him to stop.

--------------------------------------
 
As he ran down the street, his legs suddenly gave out, sending him crashing to
the ground. Although still somewhat conscious, his world had gone black. All
sound was muffled as though his ears were filled with gauze. As his vision 
returned, he found himself back inside the entry plug of unit 1. Looking 
around frantically, he felt like something was holding him down. Shinji could
feel a force on his chest, and although there was no weight behind it,
struggling against it seemed to constrict his breath. It reminded him of trying
to wake up from a nightmare.

Noticing a motion in the corner of his eye, he turned his head only to find 
an empty space beside him. Returning his gaze to the front of the plug, he 
could still sense something was out of place. The space behind him felt 
occupied, but there was no evidence to support his fears. He remained
perfectly still, terrified that what ever was behind him would attack the
instant he moved or tried to look at it.

"What the hell is going on!" he whimpered, voice quivering with fear.
 
The entry plug was silent, lacking the usual hums from the active machinery.
The LCL was odorless, tasteless, and didn't feel as thick as it normally did.
Suddenly the inside of the plug brightened, blinding him temporarily in an
intense burst of light. 

He shuddered as he felt something massaging his brain, like invisible fingers 
working their way across the tissue. He could picture something, something 
almost physical, something old, shriveled and vile; something so old and 
bereft of emotion that it sent a chill directly down his spine. A face was 
slowly appearing in his mind. A pointed nose, indignant squinted eyes with 
beady pupils, pale skin, short, almost non existent hair. The person's mouth
was closed with thin bloodless lips. Shinji instantly felt the urge to run away
and hide as he felt severely humbled under the gaze of the entity. The face
instantly vanished as the fingers penetrated his mind again.

Shinji doubled over and clutched at his head as a searing pain coursed through
his skull, threatening to erupt from behind his eyes. A small choking sound
escaped from his mouth as he felt a cold stinging sensation deep inside his
head. Images started appearing before his mind's eye; small fragments of
his past and present experiences all appearing with no apparent relation. As
most appeared, he couldn't help but feel as though he was not the only one
viewing them.

Concentration was no longer possible as his mind was now working on its own.
All he could do was sit back and watch the slideshow of his life flicker past.
Like a vice crushing his head, the pressure in his veins and muscles
intensified to an unbearable chokehold as he saw a vision. Asuka was sitting
next to Shinji on his bed. The scene was void of sound and color, except for
the red of Asuka's hair. As she turned the SDAT player over in her hand, the
pair smiled. Shinji's eyes went wide as he watched Asuka throw the SDAT player
against the wall. Instantly, the image disappeared, along with the pressure on
his head.

A new scene suddenly flashed into focus. Before him now lay a large pane of
glass. As the scene slowly drew itself into more detail, he could see beyond
the glass into a massive room, where his evangelion unit stood glaring back at
him. Two hands appeared before him, tapping on the glass. He knew they were
his, but they belonged to a child. Suddenly he could hear voices shouting,
some of them sparked a sense of recognition. There was a woman screaming,
which filled Shinji with terror. The next thing he knew, his father was
kneeling next to him with his hand placed on the glass "Yui, it is done.
Goodbye." Shinji noted how calm, yet sad the man looked.

Before he had time to recover, a more familiar scene was before him now, one 
he had trouble forgetting about due to it being one of his worst memories.
There was a boy, rubbing his eyes, crying in a desperate manner. Beside him 
sat a suitcase. It was Shinji as a child again. This was the moment where he 
had been abandoned by his father to unknown people. The only thing he could
remember from that event was his father's back, slowly walking away from him 
with his hands in his pockets. Gendo was totally aloof to the boy's hurt
cries. As this memory was revoked from focus, he shivered.

Shinji was beginning to feel the fatigue from being put through this intense
scritinzation He was feeling so tired, unable to even test if the forces
holding him in the chair were still present. He simply stared down at his
feet, whimpering quietly to himself.

"God dammit, my mind is being unraveled. Help me, Asuka, Misato, Rei. Kaji. 
Help?" 

Portions of his skull began to throb as he felt the cold clammy fingers working
on his brain once again. Crying, which seemed to infuriate the presence into
working more furiously, he shut his eyes tight and rocked back and forth
in his chair as more of his thoughts and memories were being violently pulled,
ripped and examined with such scrutiny that he felt as though he were standing
naked before his classroom. As the humility, pain, panic and fatigue all
collided together in his head, Shinji finally gave up. He wished for death.
 
"Get out of my fucking head!" With his last ounce of strength, he screamed 
while clawing desperately at his skull in a vain attempt to pull out what ever
was attacking his mind.

As he felt his last remnants of consciousness begin to slip away, he thought he
heard something over his intercom. It sounded like his father's voice, then 
Rei's soft quiet voice responding.

She was about to save him, which Shinji saw as an act of such disgusting pity.
After constantly being built up over the last few months in confidence, he was
now finding it difficult to accept help from others. Especially now that he
was feeling naked and exposed before everyone after having all his memories put
on display and his weaknesses presented for their ridicule. 

"No. No, I would rather die!" He shouted out. His voice was slightly
muffled as he was trying desperately to bury his chin into his chest.

Suddenly the presence left. It's absence was almost painful, causing his
eyes to snap open. Gasping for breath, he jumped to his feet. His eyes
opened wide as he realized he wasn't inside his evangelion anymore. Looking
down at his hands, he turned them over slowly as he felt his entire body going
numb from the confusion and total loss at trying to comprehend what had just
happened.

His body tensed and he gasped suddenly at a startling revelation.

"But. That's what happened to Asuka! That was the fifteenth angel!". 

He began an awkward jog in the direction of his apartment, struggling with the 
pains of aching muscles.
 
---------------------------------
 
Hoping he would find something that would give him a clue to Asuka's absence,
he felt he had to get home. Stepping into the elevator, he hurriedly - almost 
violently - mashed the keypad.

Entering the apartment, he called out desperately. "Asuka? Are you here?"
 
Shinji heard a murmuring from his guardian's room. "Shinji!?". Pausing to let
out a loud yawn, Misato continued. "Is that you? Shinji! Where have you been,
I was-"
 
Shinji ignored the rest of her words and continued looking around the apartment.
He froze as Misato slid her door open.
 
"Shinji? What's the matter?". Taking in the sight before her, Misato gasped.
Clammy pale skin was pulled tightly around his face like a thin veil, exposing
every crevice and lump across his skull. His ribs were visible through his
matted shirt and his limbs looked like awkward machinery attachments, no longer
being rounded with flesh. His pants were muddy and wet, torn and frayed in
some areas. His eyes were sunken deep within his skull, rimmed by dark purple
skin.

Misato fought frantically with her mind, trying to find something to say. He
hadn't been home in several days and she had been very worried. 

"Where's. Where's Asuka?"
 
Misato blinked. Noting the desperate look in his eye, she tried to find an 
answer that would ease the situation. Failing, she quietly responded. 

"Who?"
 
Even as the words began to form on the woman's tongue, Shinji could feel it.
Beneath his feet, the world felt like it had just stopped turning. Sensations
were telling him he had just stepped off a cliff as he felt his stomach rising 
up his abdomen and unnamed tubes within his body were being squeezed and
twisted. Shinji's mind was thrown into turmoil as he choked, finding it
impossible to breathe. He analyzed Misato's face for a sign that she was
toying with him, but unfortunately for the boy, she had a genuine look of
concern on her face.
 
"Misato, this isn't funny. She's gone through hell. She can't be left alone, I
need to see her. I-I need her help, I want to help her." His voice took on a 
desperate plea; the inflections, tones and volume of the voice tore at Misato's
heart as she watched and heard his last ounces of sanity being stripped away. 
"Where is she!?"
 
Misato took a few steps towards Shinji but stopped when she noticed him tense 
and pace backwards. Coming to a halt against the wall, he placed his hands out
behind him to steady himself. His eyes were wide and pulsating with panic.

"Shinji. I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. You look terrible,
I really think we should go see a doctor."
 
"Misato! Where is Asuka!?"
 
The woman flinched as the boy shouted at her. His face was turning red with 
anger and his teeth were visible, clenched and bared as if to send a warning
of their own.

"Shinji. Please" she pleaded with an awkwardly outstretched hand, a tear
welling up in her eye.
 
Shinji left the woman and ran towards Asuka's room. He had never stepped
inside this room since she had moved in, for fear of death. His focus
fluctuated, sending his vision into a blurred mess as he stumbled the last
remaining steps towards the girl's room. He felt almost disoriented in his
own apartment. Passage ways began to feel foreign to him and he had to take a
moment to re-evaluate his surroundings.

Slamming her door open, he let out a choked sob as his eyes widened. Before 
him was a room filled with boxes. White packing boxes littered the room where
he had always imagined Asuka's furniture would be. Shinji's arms dangled
limply by his sides as he tried to rationalize the situation. Failing
miserably, he fell to his knees and brought his hands up to his face. His
right eye began to twitch and the muscles around his jaw visibly contorted as
he clenched his teeth.
 
"What... The fuck... Is going on?!"
 

Misato had slowly followed him and watched for several seconds before speaking.
"Shinji, please. Tell me what is wrong. I've been so worried about you
lately. I've never heard you mention anyone called Asuka."
 
Again he tried to reaffirm the girls existence, regurgitating memories of her
smiling and calling him names. Each attempt at remembering a moment with her,
the images seemed to become hazier and harder to hold in focus. Suddenly he
felt very alone.
 
"This. This isn't happening. Misato, what. What are you doing to me?!" 
His eyes rolled back briefly as he swayed, struggling to keep balance. Quickly
placing his hand out against the wall to prevent toppling over, he glanced over
at Misato with a menacing glare.
 
Misato decided against trying to touch the boy, simply too afraid at the moment
to go near him. His body was visibly trembling and beads of sweat were forming
on his forehead. 
 
"Shinji. Please, I haven't done anything. I think we should go and see a
Doctor."
 
"But. Where is. Asuka?"
 
Shinji's voice was now a whimper as he began to sob uncontrollably. Misato
resisted the urge to hug the boy. Instead, she ran over to the phone and
dialled.
 
As the feelings of rage began to subside, Shinji got up off the floor and
staggered to his room. Slamming the door behind him, he paced back and forth,
kicking his bed, desk and anything else that caught his eye. He was teetering
dangerously on the brink of breakdown. The pressure was mounting inside his
head as he tried to rationalize the obvious error that had displayed itself. 
Shinji slowly became aware of a deep rumbling sound in his ears which was
accompanied by the scenery about him darkening and vibrating slightly, a result
of clenching his teeth so tightly. Sliding his door open quickly, he ran to
the bathroom and ignoring the plea's from Misato, he stepped inside. Shinji
slammed the door closed behind him and locked it.
 
Leaning back against the door for a moment, he tried to catch his breath. 
Slowly, he walked over to the sink and gazed into the mirror. He almost 
gasped at the grotesque reflection gazing back at him.
 
"Shinji."
 
Startled by the voice, he spun around to find the room empty. Noticing the
sound of running water, he gripped the bench behind him as he turned to look at
the bathtub. The reddish brown water made him sick to his stomach as he saw
the blood pouring from the cuts. He couldn't help but feel fascinated at the
patterns the blood created, clouding out before it blended and faded into the
water.
 
"Shinji."
 
Asuka looked up at him with sad eyes. They were no longer filled with life like
he remembered. He reached out and wrapped his arms around her cold limp body.
 
Frantically, he sobbed as he held her tightly. "Asuka. Asuka, Asuka, Asuka...
Asuka. I. I didn't know what to do without you. I don't know what to do when
you're not there. Please, don't leave me again. I... Can't bear to be alone. I
hate it so much." His voice became weaker as feelings of weariness began to
seep slowly through his body. "I need you Asuka." Eyes burning as tears came,
he found the courage - or weakness - to finally admit to her what he felt.
"Asuka, I love you."
 
Fighting the onset of unconsciousness, Asuka spoke quietly. "Shinji. I. Had
to leave. I tried to come back, but... the fifteenth, it had done too much
damage. I didn't want you to see me like this. But I'm here now. You know
I've always been there to try and help you. I came back to help you out of
this mess." She gave him a small, sad smile. "You, idiot."
 
Her voice was almost a whisper now as she pulled him in close.
 
"I love you Shinji."
 
She slid her hand behind his neck and pulled him into a kiss. That was the
last thing the boy saw as darkness overcame him.
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------
 
 
The hospital equipment beeped periodically, reaffirming the existence of life
in the body attached to the cables. Eyes watched the ceiling, vacant of any
life, yet they were still moist and the body was still breathing. The facial 
expression was locked into one of loss and sheer despondency.
 
Hikari sat by the bed, eyes still red from many hours of crying. Gazing at the
bandages on the patients arm, she wiped her eyes clear with a tissue.
 
"Why. What happened to make you do this?"
 
The door opened to reveal a nurse holding a clipboard.
 
"I'm sorry, visiting hours are over."
 
"Ok. I'll just be a minute"
 
Hikari gripped the lifeless hand and looked sadly into the pair of empty blue
eyes.
 
"You were becoming a good friend to me. I don't know why you chose me of all 
people to start opening up to like that, but I'm glad you did. I still remember
the first time you were assigned desk number 15, the way you almost tripped
when you first sat down. It was funny, all I saw at first was a quiet person, 
I never imagined you being so loud and funny!" Hikari smiled sadly at the 
thoughts of a few past memories. "I, I cant stay here much longer. I came back
to Tokyo 3 as soon as I heard what happened, but I have to leave again soon. 
There is no where for me to stay here yet. My family has moved until they
repair the city. I'll come back as soon as I can though, I promise."

Wiping another tear from her eye, she squeezed the hand tighter. "Please, come
back to us. The stooges aren't the same without you."
 
Letting the hand go, she walked out of the door, missing the raspy sound exit
the mouth of the comatose body.

"Asuka."
 
 
END
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the suggestions Garasu ;)

goatherder