A/N:
This is my first THG FF ever, so I hope you enjoy!
My life was almost perfect. I was alive. I was out of the arena. And Katniss was with me. Me. Not Gale. We were just walking, hand in hand along the track and my life felt complete. However something didn't feel quite right. And then I realise that it is happening already. Katniss is slipping away from me; the closer we get to District Twelve, the closer we get to him. She seemed happy with the flowers I had picked her, they were only simple wildflowers by the side of the track that didn't do her justice, but I had thought that she might prefer the naturalness of them. Instead, her eyes showed her true thoughts to be far away. But she is with me now – our time in the arena saw to that. But I can't take the pressure of worrying about the hold he still has on my Katniss so I ask,
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she says, and we continue walking.
I drop the subject, hoping she will speak. Silence. Haymitch appears from behind, making her jump. "Great job, you two. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be OK."
I stand there stunned. I hope this doesn't mean what I think it means ... I turn to Katniss who won't meet my eyes – does this have to do with whatever has Katniss so worked up?
"What's he mean?" I ask her.
"It's the Capitol. They didn't like our stunt with the berries." She rushes her words, seeming glad to finally be discussing her problem.
"What? What are you talking about?" I ask, more confused than ever.
"It seemed too rebellious. So Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn't make it worse," she replies.
"Coaching you? But not me," I say, still not getting it.
"He knew you were smart enough to get it right," Katniss replies, and breaks my heart in two.
"I didn't know there was anything to get right," I say just trying to breathe, hoping that the pressure will ease of my chest so I can think more clearly.
"So, what you're saying is, these last few days and then I guess … back in the arena … that was just some strategy you two worked out." Katniss is looking really uncomfortable now, and I realise what I always knew, deep inside, me and Katniss, we were never going to work; she is just too far out of my league - like father like son, or so they say.
"No. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him in the arena, could I?" she stammers. I try one more time, still hoping that maybe this is all a joke, and the Katniss I've known from the past few weeks will appear again:
"But you knew what he wanted to do, didn't you?" I say. She bites her lip, and I can't help but think of how much I want to kiss her right now, and hope the past few minutes disappear. I drop her hand, needing space.
"It was all for the Games, how you acted." I say, accepting now, that it was all a façade – Katniss had let them, the Capitol, change her into someone she wasn't, isn't – someone who loved me.
"Not all of it," she says tensing. I try to hold myself together.
"Then how much? No, forget that. I guess the real question is, what's going to be left when we get home?" I ask.
"I don't know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get," she says. I wait, expecting her to explain, but of course, we both know what she means. Gale. Her 'brother-in-arms' though of course, he was never just a brother to her, was he?
"Well, let me know when you work it out," I say, failing to hide the pain in my voice. I have to turn away, because I'm not sure how much longer I can hold the pain in. I walk as slow as I can to my room, still hoping that she will call me back, and tell me that there was only ever me, and she really does love me. However, as I close my door behind me I know that it's true, Katniss Everdeen, the love of my life, has broken my heart, and she is the only one who can fix it.
I don't sleep at all that night, replaying the whole scene in my head. I don't leave the room I've been staying in at all in fact, knowing that seeing her will simply make it more painful. But as we pull into District Twelve, I slowly drag myself out of my room. I see her straight away, and I swear the whole world stops for a lifetime. Katniss is standing by the window, her hair lit by the sunshine streaming in, which transforms her hair to a light, glowing auburn. I freeze, transfixed by the sadness in her misty grey eyes … until Katniss notices me standing there and frowns slightly, and it all comes crashing back; the blank look on her face is back, the one she always used to wear at school and in public, to hide her true thoughts – I never knew it was possible for someone to make my whole heart lift by just being in their presence, but carve a hole in my chest at the same time, where my heart used to be.
I nod at her, schooling my features to match her indifferent one. We stand there in awkward silence, and I'm torn in two. A part of me is hoping she will tell me that it is okay, she loves me and there is an explanation for everything. The other part of me just wants to forget about her, to make her let go of her hold on me – but I know this will never happen. I had been doomed since the moment I first set eyes on her and fell in love. Slowly, we pull into District Twelve's little train station. Through the window, I can see that the platform is thick with cameras. Only now I know WHY they will be eagerly watching our homecoming. I take a deep breath, and extend my hand to Katniss. She looks at me, confused.
"One more time? For the audience?" I say, and my voice sounds empty, even to me. She takes my hand, holding on tightly. As she prepares herself mentally for the cameras, and all I can do is stand there. Katniss, who is my Katniss, but not my Katniss. The feel of her hand in mine seals my fate. I was a goner from the moment I met her. So I grasp her hand firmly, and paste a smile on my face, firm in my resolve to do whatever it takes to keep her safe & sound, whether or not she loves me.
A/N:
So I hope you liked it! Please R&R, I would love to know how to make it better!