In Hindsight
Eric swallowed hard, his breathing unsteady as he stared at the woman at the edge of the roof where initiates took their first jump into dauntless.
She turned towards him, face blank. He couldn't move his feet, his whole body too, but he could feel his stomach churn while he watched her lean back and fall. Suddenly, he felt his feet in motion, hoping he was fast enough to grab hold of her, desperately wanting to touch her again.
There was no net at the bottom, or rather there was no bottom. It was pitch black and it was endless, and sadly, gravity was faster.
Eric opened his eyes and gasped for air. He sat and felt hairs on the back of his neck rise up, feeling the cold sweat drip from his forehead down to the sides of his face. He rubbed his eyes, attempting to recover from the dream he had. He lay down on his back, staring at the ceiling as he tried to slow down his breathing, recalling the dream while it was still vivid. It wasn't the first time he had that dream, no, it was a nightmare, and something tells him that it wouldn't go way that easy.
He missed the nights she slept next to him, or when he would wake up and find her staring at him. He couldn't and never figured what was going inside that head of hers. Then there are nights he would wake up, feeling her touch on his skin, and there are mornings he would find himself searching for her in tangled sheets. It was not easy to forget, he doesn't even want to. Not yet, not now. It was hard. He sees her everywhere, and every memory of her follows him around.
He remembers seeing her on that fateful evening, right after his team lost in the war games. He decided to go up to one of the tallest buildings in the vicinity and there he found her, leaning against the railings, cigarette on hand. He had seen her before, but he hadn't a chance to really look at her. She worked in Intelligence with Four, probably a year younger than them, dauntless born, but that was it. That's all he knew. He approached the railings, giving it a firm hold and testing its sturdiness before sitting on the edge but keeping a distance with her.
"You know you could try to find a new hiding spot for the flag." She sneered as she exhaled the smoke out of her lungs.
He glared at her.
"I didn't come up here for you to pry on my loss." He snapped, he was in no mood to argue.
She shifted her position, casually leaning back as she held the cigarette up to her mouth. Eric watched her lips slightly part as she took a drag of the cigarette and slowly blew out.
"Relax, it's just a game." She said as she ran her fingers through her hair.
He glared at her again. "Losing is not really in my vocabulary." He said and looked away. She smirked, rolled her eyes and nodded. "Of course." There was silence after that and she continued to finish her cigarette.
Eric observed the ruins. He was focused on the design and architecture, imagining what it looked like before the war. It must've been beautiful, he thought. He then slowly turned his head towards her direction. Her eyes were locked on the huge full moon that hung above them. She felt Eric had been staring for too long.
It was like he was trying to read her, and she wasn't exactly an open book.
Her exterior was very dauntless but there was additional spunk in the way she carried herself. She has these big blue eyes that could make you grow cold when her eyebrows arch with it. Her soft, black curls fall just behind her shoulders as the moonlight emphasized her high cheekbones. She's gorgeous, Eric thought, slightly getting annoyed by the fact he found her attractive. She has a tattoo that ran below her left collar bone – a quote that looks like it was written in Latin, Eric can't fully read due to it being partially covered by her tank top. His eyes went back to her face only to find her staring back, as if she was trying to do the same in figuring him out.
She was carefully studying him too, trying hard not to break the ice. Everyone knew Eric. He is the well-disciplined, tall and tough dauntless leader. No one ever dared to cross him. Even if he was feared by many, he was equally admired for his good looks and strong ability to lead. He has tattoos on his forearm, neck and back, piercings on both ears, plus above his right brow. He had this cold, piercing stare that most people avoid, but not her. She boldly stared back, as if taunting him in staring contest. He shivered, but not from the cold breeze but from her icy gaze, and yet there was fire in her lures him in.
He was waiting for her to pull back, but she didn't. It was the first time someone held his gaze this long, and he liked it. She lazily looked on, and then her expression changed when he jumped off the railing and took a step forward, not breaking eye contact.
"What's your game?" He said in a deep, low voice. Her lips pursed, she raised an eyebrow and gave a small smirk.
"Careful, curiosity killed the cat." She teased.
"Why do you come up here?" He asked, narrowing his eyes as he moves closer. Like a predator slowly creeping up on his prey.
"I find beauty in broken things." She looked up and placed her hand on his hard chest, keeping the distance between.
Eric kept silent for a while, letting her words sink in. She was walking away before he knows it.
"Damn." He whispered and exhaled out his breath that he had been keeping the entire time.
After that night he found himself always looking at her, discreetly observing her actions. Most of the time she caught him staring, and she would boldly stare back. Four eventually noticed, as they always shared a table during meals. "What's with the constant eye fucking?" He asked after Eric randomly showed up in their office asking for files that Max needed. Four warned her, of course, but the thought of who would snap and give in first excites her. Her mystery challenged him even more and he gets motivated the more she plays hard to get.
They were the same, but still very different. She already knew his bad side but she doesn't avoid it either. She knew everyone has their demons but that doesn't generally mean you're a bad person. He felt at ease around her, especially when they are alone, sharing the silence between them. Eric took time knowing her secrets. She was more guarded and it wasn't fair how she could easily pull out emotions from of him. He became serious about her, but sometimes he feels as though she was toying with his emotions. So he would pull back.
Their cat and mouse chase went on for months and Eric was getting tired of it. They attracted each other like magnets and the pull was strong. Their little game grew bigger and they found themselves investing more than they should. Hearts were at stake and Eric hates losing, but so does she. She knew she was swimming on dangerous waters when she decided to get involved with Eric. He hated to admit that he was slowly losing the game when he felt she was getting under his skin. But what if losing the game meant getting the girl? He hated putting himself out there. No one would expect big bad Eric head over heels with a girl. He wanted her, and she wanted him, and he always get what he wants.
"Game's over." He barged in on the rooftop one late afternoon. He knew she was there, she always was.
"It's not over until I say so." She was smoking again.
"You don't call the shots." He stormed towards her.
"Oh, and you do?" She said as she looked away, she threw the cigarette and stepped on it. She turned around and started walking towards the railings. She took out another cigarette from the pack when Eric angrily grabbed her arm and whirled her to face him. "Hey!" she protested as she dropped the cigarette pack.
"Fuck it." He growled. Before she knew it his mouth was on hers, kissing her hungrily. He cupped her jaw as his other hand held the back of her neck firmly keeping her head in place. He kissed her hard but eventually broke it. He watched her slowly open her eyes, face flushed and her mouth gaped. She couldn't think but she found words that changed everything.
"So, I guess we'll call it a tie then?" She breathed out, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She looked up at him, his face softened, and the anger was gone.
It was hard having Eric as a lover. She's not actually a fan of labeling things, especially relationships. It's not about having a good fuck every now and then - that is essential, of course but when the lust is gone, what comes after it? It was the connection between them that pulled them together. It was real and very rare; Eric had never felt that way before. It was rather difficult keeping their relationship a secret but she preferred it stayed that way. "No one has to know." She said when he spent the first night in her apartment. It seemed a good idea at first, but people started to notice Eric being territorial over her as they don't exactly see the two date, especially Eric, he don't do dates. The secrecy of their relationship wouldn't be much of a big deal if Eric wasn't a dauntless leader. He had to keep his emotions in check when he's out in public especially when he can't keep his hands off her.
"I just don't see the point of keeping this secret when practically everyone in Dauntless knows you're with me."
"Ah, yes. Men don't exactly throw themselves at my feet anymore." She joked, but it was true. His grip tightened on her waist and his eyes grew dark. She had this power over men; they yearn for her attention, and Eric hated how they lusted over her. It was shallow, how they perceived her. She had proved him wrong when he thought she was just an object of affection and it was his biological needs that craved for her. No, it was the way she broke barriers or swam his depths – discovering and learning all his layers. His instinct told him to push her away but the more he fought it, the more helpless he felt and just want to completely surrender.
The longer they try to hide it the sooner it got out, people have eyes, plus words travel fast around dauntless. It wasn't long enough when Max brought it up, just wanting to confirm if the rumors were true. "You look good together. At first I thought I couldn't picture you with anybody. You know half of the women here in dauntless want you and the other half are as just as terrified."
"Make sure you don't destroy each other." Max winked, "She's one of our best soldiers."
Not everyone expected their relationship would last for almost two years as both were very private when it comes to that part of their lives. Gone are the days of fooling around with nonsense games. They fought and had arguments sometimes but it was healthy, it made their relationship stronger. They matured and grew in a way they didn't imagine. And then tension between factions began.
Erudite was secretly planning to overthrow Abnegation as the ruling government and they were asking Dauntless for support. This was brought up just between the Dauntless leaders and Jeanine Matthews in a closed door meeting. But secrets have a way coming out one way or another; questions were being raised but are left unanswered. Some people are starting to have doubts on their leaders and it was not good to start an uprising within the faction.
Eric wondered if she was willing to betray the faction and go with Erudite's plans, he could explain it to her, make her understand the situation, but then he remembered it was confidential information. He couldn't share anything to anyone not unless Erudite gathered enough accusation against the ruling government. Anyone against it will be killed.
That is why a group of Dauntless loyalist were formed. They all had a common cause, to gain information against Erudite in case an uprising takes place. They don't trust their leaders anymore. That is why they made a huge risk in approaching her.
"What am I doing here?" She eyed them suspiciously. Four came to her one evening, just after dinner. He knew Eric was out of the Dauntless compound and he grabbed the opportunity to talk to her. Even if Eric was her boyfriend, she was one of the people he closely works with. He trusts her.
"I'm sure you are hearing rumors regarding Erudite's plan of overtaking as the ruling government." Four offered her a seat.
"I have. You want to know if Eric shares some information with me, am I right?" She walked towards a few people she already knew.
"I have a bad feeling about this. Are you sure we can trust her, Four?" Tori stood up from the table. "She's Eric's girlfriend! Of course she would side him!"
It hurt her; little do they know Eric refused to share anything about that matter. Of course, she asked him about what was going on. She wasn't blind or deaf either, she knew Eric was keeping something from her.
"If you brought me here for questioning, then you got the wrong person. I don't hold any vital information. Eric doesn't discuss that matter with me, he chose not to. Now I see why."
"I told you! You shouldn't have brought her here!" Another said as they started to argue with one another. Four tried to calm them down.
"Would it be too much if we asked you to help us?" Four looked deeply in her eyes. "Look, if Erudite does plan to takeover, other factions would retaliate. We don't know the extent of damage we could be in if Dauntless supports their activities. People are starting to have doubts and doubts like these start upheaval in our system."
Everyone went silent, all eyes were on her. They are going to use her against Eric and other Dauntless leaders who are secretly betraying the faction. She thought hard. They were asking her to spy on Eric but that meant going behind his back and betraying him. But he didn't exactly tell her about Erudite's plan either. She didn't know Erudite could be this greedy for power and it was wrong in every sense that they would go out of their way just to overthrow Abnegation. She has to make a wise decision in which side she would play in. In matters such as these, you have to decide with your mind and not with your heart. She clenched her fist and closed her eyes.
"I have to work extra hard since these recent events left a gap between me and Eric. He avoids the subject like plague, I don't want to start a fight with him." Her heart ache at the thought of betraying Eric. She had put him and herself in danger with the decisions she made.
They all sighed in relief. "Thank you, I always knew I could trust you." Four placed a hand on her shoulder as she forced a smile on her lips.
She didn't immediately return to her apartment after that. She had a lot to process on her mind and took her a while before her decisions sink in. They had asked her the do probably the most difficult thing in her life. She has to put on her best face to hide everything she knew from Eric.
She was surprised to find him in her apartment when she returned later that night.
"Where were you?" he asked, he was watching the window before turning around to face her.
"Went out to smoke, why?" she said as she placed her keys on a bowl before removing her jacket, placing it above the kitchen counter. He shrugged. "I thought you won't be back till later." She walked towards him, carefully studying his face. It was blank and guarded.
"Hey." She said softly. "Is something wrong? You know you can always tell me anything." She looked up and cupped his face. He looked down as he placed his hands over hers, gently leaning against her forehead.
"Eric." He slowly removed her hands from his face.
"The less you know, the safer you'll be." He turned around and walked towards door.
"What do you mean?" She grabbed his arm and blocked his way. She knew what exactly he meant.
"I can't tell you anything right now. I'm tired, I need to go back to my apartment." He pushed her aside and grabbed his jacket.
"Why is it every time I ask you what is going on with you, you just casually push me aside like I'm nothing?" She looked down at her feet. It was true, even if she was trying to coax information out of him, she was really hurt.
He stopped before the door. God, he misses her. It was hurting him more to see her that way. He felt her hands wrap around his waist as he felt her against his back. She wasn't going to force him to say anything tonight that would fuel his suspicion.
"I'm sorry." He breathed in and closed his eyes. He tried to gently remove her grasp but she just tightened it.
"Don't go." She said, he turned around to stroke her face, he felt the hurt in her words. "Please."
She looked up and slowly grabbed his shirt to bring his face closer. "Stay with me."
Eric was resilient. He was good at keeping secrets, but that didn't fool her. She used every persuasion techniques she knew but Eric was very hard to manipulate. She avoided fighting with him and hoped he would just come clean about everything. It's a never ending cycle of how she pulled him in, he keeps quiet, she gets mad and he was too stubborn to apologize. He was getting tired of it and it was getting unhealthy.
Four and the others kept an eye on her, and she was getting pressured about having no progress on the whole situation. Her desperation led her to sneak into Eric's office in search for vital information. She opened drawers and looked through folders but she found nothing. Of course, if it was so important Eric wouldn't leave it lying around on his office desk, she stupidly thought. She knew Eric kept a vault in his office, and luckily she still remembers the lock combination. Lo and behold, folders, blueprints and some vials were inside. She grabbed a thick blue folder and began skimming through it. It contained formulas, all sorts of calculations that she couldn't understand. She nervously flipped through the pages of codes and instructions, slowly learning that Erudite was developing some kind of serum but she wasn't sure what it was for.
Her heart almost stopped as she dropped the folder when Eric opened the door, clenched jaws and his expression dark. She came back to reality when he slammed the door hard. Her heart raced as he picked up the folder and placed it back inside the vault.
"What do you think you're doing?" Eric asked as he shut the vault's door and faced her.
She trembled at the tone of his voice and her mouth went dry. She had definitely crossed the line by going through his files. She breathed in first and tried to calm herself for a reasonable and believable explanation, one that might not make Eric snap her in half.
"I'm sorry, Eric. I… I shouldn't have done that." She slowly backed up and she was trapped behind the shelves. He moved towards her and placed his hands above her shoulders. She could see it in his eyes, he was more than mad, he was furious.
"What is happening? I need answers, for fuck's sake, Eric!" He towered over her, not breaking eye contact. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to know these things?" He leveled his voice, trying his best not to shout at her. "You don't know what you got yourself into."
"What difference does it makes? You won't even tell me what I saw. Hell, I'll be surprised if you tell me anything at all."
"Stop, I'm getting tired with all this." He moved away from her and sat behind his desk.
"I'm getting tired too, Eric." She rubbed her forehead, frantically turning her back on him.
"Then walk away." He stood up as he watched her stopped from walking back and forth in the room.
"What?" She can't break up with him, not now. He was making her choose, leave and let their relationship to go down the drain, or stay and bear with the weight of his betrayal to the faction.
"I'll just bring you more trouble once this gets out. "
She was not in her right state to think clear. Eric wouldn't give her answers today, not that he found her snooping behind his back. She thought, if she forced him any further he'll have suspicions and it may foil Four's plans, that is, if he has any. She has to make Eric believe that her intentions are to save their relationship. It was hard enough to discover what was really going on without putting their lives both at risk. But how?
"I thought that part already came in when I started dating you?" she teased. He walked towards her as his expression went grim. "I'm sorry, really, but I'm not stupid. I know something's going on! Either you spill or I'll keep digging!" She kept a straight face, gathering every courage she has left in her body.
Eric was not stupid either; he knew keeping this matter from her would make his mission harder. But he has to keep her safe at all cost and the stint she pulled off a while ago proved that she can get in trouble, and it would be hard for Eric to do damage control at the same time. He took a deep breath and cupped her face. "Are you sure?"
"I'm all in."